How to Love
Page 3
LONELINESS AND SEX
Sometimes we think that if we have sexual relations with someone, we’ll feel less alone. But the truth is that sexual relations don’t relieve loneliness. There’s a Vietnamese poem in which the young man has the impression that he must sit very close to his beloved to relieve his loneliness. We have the impression that if we sit close to each other we’ll feel less alone. If we’re separated by five meters, that’s too far. Four meters is better. Three meters is still better. But even one millimeter is still too far. When our bodies are very close, we feel it will relieve this loneliness. But if we don’t share our aspirations and what’s in our hearts, then even if we live together or have children together, we can still feel very alone.
DEEP LISTENING IN A COUPLE
When I meet a couple who live together and are happy, I propose that they set up a regularly structured time of deep listening to help them stay happy together. Deep listening is, most of all, the practice of being present for our loved one. We have to be truly present for the person we love. In the person we love there is suffering that we haven’t seen yet. If we haven’t yet understood that person, we can’t be their best friend; we can’t be someone who is able to understand them. It’s like when an excellent musician finds someone who understands his music; they can become best friends. Someone who can understand our suffering is our best friend. We listen to each other. We are there for each other. Otherwise, the coming together of two bodies becomes routine and monotonous after a time. If you have the impression that you know the other person inside and out, you are wrong. Are you sure that you even know yourself? Every person is a world to explore.
FULFILLMENT
We should practice in such a way that every moment is fulfilling. We should feel satisfaction in every breath, in every step, in every action. This is true fulfillment. When you breathe in and out, there is fulfillment. When you take a step, there is fulfillment. When you perform any action, there is the fulfillment that comes from living deeply in the present moment.
NATURAL HAPPINESS
If you walk with true awareness of every step, without having a goal to get anywhere, happiness will arise naturally. You don’t need to look for happiness. When we’re in touch with the wonders of life, we become aware of the many conditions of happiness that are already there, and naturally we feel happy. The beauty around us brings us back to the present moment so we can let go of the planning and worries that preoccupy us. When you look at the person you love, if he is absorbed in anxiety, you can help him get out. “Darling, do you see the sun? Do you see the signs that spring is coming?” This is mindfulness; we become aware of what is happening now and we are in touch with the conditions of happiness that are there inside us and all around us.
MEDITATION
Meditation consists of generating three kinds of energy: mindfulness, concentration, and insight. These three energies give us the power to nourish happiness and take care of our suffering. Suffering may be there. But with the energy of mindfulness, concentration, and insight, we can embrace and take care of that suffering and nourish happiness at the same time.
THE ART OF OFFERING HAPPINESS
In a friendship, we try to to offer our friend happiness. Sometimes you think that you’re doing something for someone else’s happiness, when actually your action is making them suffer. The willingness to make someone happy isn’t enough. You have your own idea of happiness. But to make someone else happy, you have to understand that person’s needs, suffering, and desires and not assume you know what will make them happy. Ask, “What would make you happy?”
THE RIGHT GIFT
In Vietnam there is a fruit that many people love called durian. It has a strong smell and it’s quite expensive. Many people like it very much, but I don’t like it at all. Someone who sees me working very hard might think, “Oh, Thay must be very tired; I should offer him some durian.” But if you forced me to eat it, I would suffer a lot. So to love someone, you have to understand the real needs of that person, and not impose on her what you think is needed for her to be happy. Understanding is the foundation of love.
FLOWER WATERING
When we practice the art of mindful living, we water the positive elements in ourselves and each other. We see that the other person, like us, has both flowers and garbage inside, and we accept this. Our practice is to water the flower in our loved one, and not bring them more garbage. When we try to grow flowers, if they don’t grow well, we don’t blame them or argue with them. Our partner is a flower. If we take care of her well, she will grow beautifully. If we take care of her poorly, she will wither. To help a flower grow well, we must understand her nature. How much water and sunshine does she need?
NO SELF
Often, when we say, “I love you” we focus mostly on the idea of the “I” who is doing the loving and less on the quality of the love that’s being offered. This is because we are caught by the idea of self. We think we have a self. But there is no such thing as an individual separate self. A flower is made only of non-flower elements, such as chlorophyll, sunlight, and water. If we were to remove all the non-flower elements from the flower, there would be no flower left. A flower cannot be by herself alone. A flower can only inter-be with all of us. It’s much closer to the truth. Humans are like this too. We can’t exist by ourselves alone. We can only inter-be. I am made only of non-me elements, such as the Earth, the sun, parents, and ancestors. In a relationship, if you can see the nature of interbeing between you and the other person, you can see that his suffering is your own suffering, and your happiness is his own happiness. With this way of seeing, you speak and act differently. This in itself can relieve so much suffering.
LOVE AS AN OFFERING
To love is not to possess the other person or to consume all their attention and love. To love is to offer the other person joy and a balm for their suffering. This capacity is what we have to learn to cultivate.
THE GREATEST GIFT
One of the greatest gifts we can offer people is to embody nonattachment and nonfear. This is a true teaching, more precious than money or material resources. Many of us are very afraid, and this fear distorts our lives and makes us unhappy. We cling to objects and to people like a drowning person clings to a floating log. Practicing to realize nondiscrimination, to see the interconnectedness and impermanence of all things, and to share this wisdom with others, we are giving the gift of nonfear. Everything is impermanent. This moment passes. That person walks away. Happiness is still possible.
SHINING THE LIGHT
When we love someone, we should look deeply into the nature of that love. If we want to be with someone so that we can feel safe, that’s understandable, but it’s not true love. True love doesn’t foster suffering or attachment. On the contrary, it brings well-being to ourselves and to others. True love is generated from within. For true love to be there, you need to feel complete in yourself, not needing something from outside. True love is like the sun, shining with its own light, and offering that light to everyone.
LETTING GO OF NOTIONS
The notions and ideas we have about happiness can entrap us. We forget that they are just notions and ideas. Our idea of happiness may be the very thing that’s preventing us from being happy. When we’re caught in a belief that happiness should take a particular form, we fail to see the opportunities for joy that are right in front of us.
NO SAINTS
Don’t say, “Love, compassion, joy, and equanimity are the way that saints love, so since I’m not a saint, I can’t possibly love that way.” The Buddha was a human being, and he practiced as we do. At first, love can be tainted with attachment, possessiveness, and the desire to control. But with the practice of mindfulness, concentration, and insight, we can transform these hindrances and have a love that is spacious, all-encompassing, and marvelous.
FRIENDSHIP
Be a friend to yourself. If you are a true friend to yourself, you can be a true friend to a loved one. A romant
ic crush is short-lived, but friendship and loving kindness can last very long and continue to grow.
LOOKING IN THE SAME DIRECTION
Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, the author of The Little Prince wrote that, “Love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward in the same direction.” But when two people suffer and look in the same direction, it is often the direction of the television! Over time, looking at each other and speaking with each other has become difficult and no longer brings joy. Disagreements have gone unresolved and tension and unhappiness have continued to grow. How can we bring love and happiness back into the relationship? First, we need to reflect on how we have contributed to this situation. Then we need to have the courage to turn off the television and take time to speak and listen to each other. As a true lover, the direction you look in is peace.
A LASTING COMMITMENT
Without the pressure of other elements, what you are now calling love may turn sour very soon. The support of friends and family weaves a kind of web that helps keep a relationship strong and long-lasting. The strength of your feelings is only one strand of that web. Supported by many elements, your relationship will be solid, like a tree. To be strong, a tree sends a number of roots deep into the soil. If a tree has only one root, it may be blown over by the wind.
THE ART OF CREATING HAPPINESS
What is the nature of joy and happiness? How can we touch true joy in every moment of our lives? How can we live in a way that brings a smile, the eyes of love, and happiness to everyone we encounter? Use your talent to find ways to bring happiness to yourself and others—the happiness that arises from meditation is not the same as the feeling that comes from the pursuit of pleasure seeking. Meditative joy has the capacity to nourish our mindfulness, understanding, and love. Live in a way that encourages deep happiness in yourself and others. You can vow to bring joy to one person in the morning and to help relieve the suffering of one person in the afternoon. Ask yourself, “Who can I make smile this morning?” This is the art of creating happiness.
A SLEEPING CHILD
There are times you may sit and look at a child when she’s sleeping. While the child sleeps, she reveals tenderness, suffering, and hope. Just contemplate a child sleeping and observe your feelings. Understanding and compassion will arise in you, and you will know how to take care of that child and make her happy. The same is true for your partner. You should have a chance to observe him when he sleeps. Look deeply, and see the tenderness that is revealed, the suffering, the hope, and the despair that can be expressed during sleep. Sit there for fifteen minutes or half an hour and just look. Understanding and compassion will arise in you, and you will know how to be there for your partner.
LEARNING LOVE
If our parents didn’t love and understand each other, how are we to know what love looks like? There aren’t courses or classes in love. If the grown-ups know how to take care of each other, then the children who grow up in this environment will naturally know how to love, understand, and bring happiness to others. The most precious inheritance that parents can give their children is their own happiness. Our parents may be able to leave us money, houses, and land, but they may not be happy people. If we have happy parents, we have received the richest inheritance of all.
FORGIVENESS
Many of us wait until it is too late to see what really matters to us. Sensual desire can feel so overwhelming that it’s often not until later that we see the many important things that have needed our attention. Everybody makes mistakes, but you can’t keep asking people to forgive you again and again. For example, instead of just saying, “I’m sorry I shouted at you,” you can train yourself not to shout so often. Instead of a quick apology, take the time and make the commitment to practice seeing the roots of your behavior.
20 QUESTIONS FOR LOOKING INTO YOUR RELATIONSHIP
1Are you in love?
2Are you still in love?
3Do you want to reconnect with the person who used to be the one you love?
4Do you think that this person is happy?
5Do you have the time for each other?
6Have you been able to preserve your true presence for yourself and for the other person?
7Are you capable of offering him or her freshness every day?
8Do you know how to handle the suffering in yourself?
9Are you able to help handle the suffering in the other person?
10Do you understand the roots of your own suffering?
11Are you able to understand the suffering in the other person?
12Do you have the capacity to help the other person suffer less?
13Have you learned the way to calm down your painful feelings and emotions?
14Do you have the time to listen to yourself and your deepest desire?
15Do you have the time to listen to him or her and to help him or her suffer less?
16Are you capable of creating a feeling of joy for yourself?
17Are you capable of helping the other person to create a feeling of joy?
18Do you feel you have a clear spiritual path?
19Do you have the feeling of peace and contentment within yourself?
20Do you know how to nourish your love every day?
PRACTICES FOR NOURISHING TRUE LOVE
THE SIX MANTRAS
ONE: I AM HERE FOR YOU
The greatest gift we can make to others is our true presence. “I am here for you” is the first of the Six Mantras. When you are concentrated, mind and body together, you produce your true presence, and anything you say is a mantra, a sacred phrase that can transform the situation. It doesn’t have to be in Sanskrit or Tibetan; a mantra can be spoken in your own language. “Darling, I am here for you.” If you are truly present, this mantra will produce a miracle. You become real, the other person becomes real, and life is real in that moment. You bring happiness to yourself and to the other person.
TWO: I KNOW YOU ARE THERE, AND I AM HAPPY
“I know you are there, and I am very happy” is the second of the Six Mantras. When I look at the full moon, I breathe in and out deeply and say, “Full moon, I know you are there, and I am very happy.” I do the same with the morning star. When you contemplate a beautiful sunset, if you are really there, you will recognize and appreciate it deeply. Whenever you are truly there, you can recognize and appreciate the presence of the other, whether that is the full moon, the North Star, the magnolia flowers, or the person you love.
THREE: I KNOW YOU ARE SUFFERING
The third mantra is: “I know you are suffering. That is why I am here for you.” When you are mindful, you will notice when the person you love suffers. If we suffer and if the person we love is not aware of our suffering, we will suffer even more. Just practice conscious breathing to produce your true presence. Then sit close to the one you love and say, “Darling, I know you suffer. That is why I am here for you.” Your presence, in itself, will already relieve some of her suffering. No matter how old or young you are, you can do this.
FOUR: I AM SUFFERING
The fourth mantra is the one you can practice when you yourself suffer: “Darling, I am suffering. Please help.” There are only six words, but sometimes they can be difficult to say because of the pride in our hearts, especially if we believe that it was the person we love who caused our suffering. If it had been someone else, it wouldn’t be so difficult. But because it was him, we feel deeply hurt. We want to go to our room and weep. But if we really love him, when we suffer like that, we have to ask for help. We must overcome our pride.
FIVE: THIS IS A HAPPY MOMENT
The fifth mantra is, “This is a happy moment.” When you’re with the one you love, you can pronounce this mantra. It’s not autosuggestion or wishful thinking; it’s waking up to the conditions of happiness that are there. Maybe you’re not mindful enough, so you don’t recognize them. This mantra is to remind us that we’re very lucky; we have so many conditions of happiness, and if we don’t enjoy them, we�
��re not wise at all. So when you’re sitting together, walking together, eating, or doing something together, breathe in mindfully and realize how lucky you are. Mindfulness makes the present moment into a wonderful moment.
SIX: YOU ARE PARTLY RIGHT
The sixth mantra is, “You are partly right.” When someone congratulates you or criticizes you, you can use this mantra. I have weakness in me and I also have strengths. If you congratulate me, I shouldn’t get lost and ignore that there are negative things in me. When we see the beautiful things in the other person, we tend to ignore the things that are not so beautiful. We are human, so we have both positive and negative things in us. So when your beloved one congratulates you, and tells you that you are the very image of perfection, you say, “You are partly right. You know that I have the other things in me also.” In this way, you can retain your humility. You are not a victim of illusion because you know that you’re not perfect. And when another person criticizes you, you can also say, “You are partly right.”