by Nicole Dykes
I don’t want to fucking think or talk.
I just need an escape from her.
“So, has he been nice?”
I look at Lola across from me at the table. She’s been trying this new “not butting in” thing, but I actually prefer her slightly overbearing presence. It’s more her. “He hasn’t been anything.”
I don’t think she believes me, but it’s true. I haven’t seen him since he left for his date last night.
“Let me know if he’s being a douche, okay? I mean it.”
I nod my head and hear the doorbell ring. “That’s Sawyer.”
I stand up from the table as Lola drinks her coffee, looking down at her phone. “How does he feel about Ash being here?”
I shrug my shoulders as I start for the front door. “He hasn’t said anything.”
We haven’t really talked since he left here either. But going off his male dominance display yesterday, I’d say he’s not thrilled.
I make it to the front door and open the door for him, smiling as he pulls me into a warm embrace. “Hey.”
“Hi, Sawyer.”
He releases me, and I see his eyes automatically darting around the room, looking for Asher. “I don’t think he’s here. Or he’s not awake yet.”
His brown eyes meet mine. “Has he behaved?”
I laugh and close the door behind him. “Yes. It’s been fine. He went out on a date last night, and I don’t think he’s come home yet.”
“Good.” His smile is back, and he’s returned to the playful Sawyer I know. “Where’s Baz?”
“He’s playing in his room. We already ate breakfast. Let’s go get him.”
He happily follows me to Baz’s room. He’s playing with his toy airplanes and stops, running over to Sawyer instantly. I smile, watching them together. Sawyer and Baz had an instant connection, and I'd be lying if I said it wasn’t one of the things that attracted me to Sawyer.
He always seemed like a conceited prick in high school—and he was—but to see this softer side of him has been really nice.
“You ready to go to the zoo, buddy?”
“Yeah!” Baz is definitely excited, and I grab a tote bag with essentials before we head out.
After I get Baz into his seat, I close the door as a convertible pulls up and Asher hops out. The blond behind the wheel eyes me with curiosity before giving Asher a flirty wave and driving off.
I see Sawyer visibly tense as Asher strolls toward us, his neck bruised and purple from, I’m assuming, the blond chick’s mouth.
“Classy look.”
I shoot Sawyer an annoyed look, but Asher just smirks. “I could say the same.” He nods in my direction and then snickers as he walks toward the house. “You lovebirds have fun.”
Sawyer climbs behind the wheel, and I follow suit, falling into the passenger seat and closing the door. “Why do you taunt him?”
“Really? Me?”
I turn to look at him, keeping my voice quiet. “Yes, you. I hate what happened between you two. Don’t you miss him?”
Sawyer starts the car and backs out of the drive. “Of course, I do. He was my best friend, Viv.”
My stomach aches, knowing it was all for nothing and forever ruined. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t do that.” He peers over at me for a brief second while his car stops at a stop sign. “I made my choice, and I would do it again. I just wish I would have talked to him first. I owed him that.”
“You did though.” I look in the back seat, seeing Baz happily playing with his tablet and not paying attention to us. I turn back to Sawyer to see his focus has returned to the road as he drives. “He told us both how much he didn’t want me. He can’t have it both ways, Sawyer. He can’t not want me and then not want me with anyone else.”
He sighs heavily as he navigates the streets. “I know.” I notice his tight grip on the steering wheel. “He was always more than capable of it only being a physical thing. But I had no idea he’d fallen for you. I tried to see if he had.”
I scoff at that and look out the windshield. “He didn’t fall for me, Sawyer. He’s just a child who doesn’t want someone else playing with his toys.”
“I’m not so sure, Viv. Not after his reaction.”
“I’m sure now more than ever.”
And I am. Asher made it very clear to me that he didn’t want a relationship. That he was afraid we would turn into his parents, and he was probably right. But I’m only human. I was in love with him, and it hurt when he rejected me.
And even though we said we could go back to a friendship, we never really did. He avoided me more and more. I was lonely, and I found Sawyer. Sawyer, who may be an asshole, but he owns it. He may be afraid of commitment, but he owned up to that also.
We weren’t sure what we were. All we knew was that we liked each other and that he was good with Baz. He wanted to be there when Asher couldn’t be. And I care about Sawyer. I can feel he cares about me even if it isn’t love.
“Well, one thing’s for sure . . .” I look at his handsome profile as he speaks with a grin on his perfect lips. “I’m not going anywhere.”
I smile and lean back in my seat.
That statement offers the comfort I desperately needed.
Lola left a moment ago to go somewhere with Hayden and the house is totally empty now since Sawyer, Viv, and Baz were making their exit just as I was coming home from my “date” with Claudia.
She was fun, and she gave me her number in case I’m ever back in town, but I’m not keeping it. I have no interest in seeing her again.
And for Sawyer and Viv not being in a relationship, they’re sure spending a hell of a lot of time together. But what the fuck ever. I change into swim trunks and go outside to Lola’s pool, laying out in the sun.
I pull out a joint—a parting gift from Claudia—and light up as I lounge, soaking up the rays and hoping the world will stop, even if only for a little while.
My eyes are closed, but I’m annoyed by a presence over me and look up to find my brother standing in front of me, casting a shadow on my day and killing my buzz. “Linc.”
“Ash.” His eyes trail to the lit joint in my hand. “You okay?”
“I’m fine.”
I wish he’d go away, but he’s a pain in the ass and takes a seat next to me, his knees bent as he remains sitting up straight and eyeing me with suspicion, which I don’t like. “You’re getting high in the middle of the afternoon. Alone.”
I take a long drag from the joint pinched between my pointer finger and my thumb and slowly let the smoke roll out of my mouth. “Yeah. Another win for California. This shit’s legal here.” I offer it to him, but he passes.
“You know a kid lives here.”
“That kid is on a playdate with a dipshit and his mother.”
His hand caresses his jaw, and he nods. “I’m assuming that’s Sawyer.”
I nod and raise an eyebrow. “Why? Is there some other dipshit hanging with Viv and Baz?”
I’m trying to seem cool and collected. Like I couldn’t give a fuck, but I doubt he’s buying it. “Not that I know of. Viv isn’t going to have that kid around a stranger.”
I scoff, taking another hit, waiting for my body to relax. “Right. Because she knew Sawyer so goddamn well.”
His irritation is palpable as he leans forward. “You did. And she trusted you, dipshit. And I believe they’d been hanging out for what? A year with you before they tried dating.”
“Don’t you have to work?” I groan and stretch my free arm up into the air. “You’re killing my high.”
“Nah, real estate. I pretty much set my own schedule.” He grins, clearly proud of himself, and I have to fight the pride I feel for my big brother kicking ass out on his own. “Plus, my little bitch boy handles a lot of it.”
I smirk. “Sawyer?”
He nods his head, laughing. “Yeah. He’s really not bad though.” I groan and lay my head back with my eyes closed.
“Ah,
fuck it.” I hear and then the joint disappears from between my fingers, and I hear him inhale deeply before letting the smoke out.
I chuckle, thinking about what Colt would think of this. He never even drank. Okay, so he drank two fucking times that I know of. The night Viv got knocked up with Baz and the night he died.
A cold chill falls over my body as Linc settles back into his chair.
Fuck, Colt would be pissed about this shit.
I turn to look at him, momentarily wondering if I murmured that shit out loud, but I didn’t.
He turns to look at me, a sad smile on his face. “You aren’t the only one who thinks about him all the time, man.” I watch him swallow tightly and take another hit, letting the smoke slowly flow from his lips and up into the air. “All of the time.”
The ache inside me only worsens. “You don’t show it.”
“Because I married Penelope? And because I'm happy most of the fucking time? You honestly think he would want us all miserable?”
“I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t want you fucking his girl daily.”
He doesn’t flinch. “She’s not his.” He tucks an arm under his head, totally relaxed. “There was a time I felt so fucking guilty, and maybe I still do, but Ash,” his eyes meet mine, “she was always mine. Always.”
I feel bile rise in my throat and take the joint back from him, taking a quick puff and looking over at him. He’s different now. Mature. Settled.
Hell, he’s happy.
I shouldn’t hate it. I’m not even sure I do anymore.
“Why the fuck did you hire Sawyer?”
He shrugs. “I knew him. I know he has a good background for this shit, and he was fairly impressive in his interview.”
No one charms Linc. That shit is fucking crazy. “Not just to fuck with me?”
He laughs. “Nope. No one needs to fuck with you, Ash. You’re doing a pretty damn good job at doing that by yourself.”
I look up at the blue sky. “Right.”
“They aren’t dating, you know?”
I don’t want to talk. I want to lay in the sun and ignore the world. “I don’t care. I didn’t ask.”
“Well, they aren’t.”
Fuck, Linc. When the hell did he get so chatty? “It sure seems like they are. Considering all the dating they’re doing.”
“They aren’t committed. Not at all. He said she doesn’t want a relationship, and he doesn’t either.”
What the fuck? Why? It makes no sense at all. They were all ready to move out here and date. Then, fucking what? They decided . . . nah?
“I didn’t ask, Linc. Why are you telling me this?”
He sits up and looks directly at me. “Because you should know if you still want her, you still have a chance.”
I fight the laugh and roll my eyes. “I never wanted a chance with her in the first place. That’s why she moved on to Sawyer.” My shoulder lifts. “Although, I guess he didn’t cut it.”
“You’re such an asshole.”
Well, if that isn’t the pot calling the kettle black. I stare at him, and he shakes his head, laughing.
“For whatever reason, they didn’t work out the way they thought they would. And you can tell yourself you don’t want her all you want, but I saw the way you looked at her at my wedding. I saw the torment in your eyes after Hayden hit you, and it wasn’t because of your swollen face.”
“Linc, drop it.”
“Fine. I know for a fact that Colt would want us all to be happy, and we’re getting there. It doesn’t mean we don’t wish he was here too. But we can’t just sit around waiting to die, living a miserable existence.”
I sit up and face him. “I can’t turn into Dad.”
He doesn’t say anything for a moment. Then his hands grab my head, and he forces me to look at him, really look at him. “You are not Dad. None of us are. You also aren’t me.”
I swallow tightly, wanting to look away but his hands hold me in place. I’ve struggled for so long to find my place in the world. When Viv left, and my entire family was here, and Colt was long gone, I thought maybe I would. But I’d never been more lost.
I went back into my old ways of getting fucked-up, of finding solace in warm bodies who didn’t know or care to know my name. Drinking and fucking my way into a downward spiral. I wanted Colt back. I wanted to feel carefree again.
Nothing worked.
“If I ended up with Viv, I would be.”
“Bullshit. You’re stronger than our fucked-up genes. It’s a choice how we end up. And once you get that, everything will be clear. Dad chose to be miserable. He chose to cheat and be a shitty husband and father. It is a choice.”
“What if I'm not strong enough to make the right choice?”
“You are. You’re Asher Sterling. Linc, Lola, and Colt’s little brother, but you’re so much more than that and always have been.”
“You’re really fucking up my high.” I should say something better than that. Thank you would be good, but that’s all that will come out of my mouth.
He smiles, releases me, and ruffles my hair before shoving my chest back. “You’re welcome.”
Fuck.
I don’t want to feel good. I don’t want him to have said exactly what I needed to hear for so long.
But damn if he didn’t do just that.
Linc left a little while ago, and I walk in through the sliding glass door just as I hear the front door open and Baz running in like the whirlwind he is.
“Uncle Asher!” He grabs me around the waist and then looks up at my attire, which is only swim trunks. “You went swimming without me?”
He looks so offended. I shake my head. “Nope. I was waiting for you. Never got in the water.”
“But you reek.” I look over to see Viv with Sawyer right behind her. They sure look together to me.
Baz scrunches up his nose and steps back. “You do stink.”
I forgot about the joint, the slight remainder in the pocket of my trunks. “Sorry, buddy.”
He shrugs and looks back at Viv. “Can we go swimming?”
She nods her head, her arms folding and pushing up her full tits in her sundress. I try not to notice. “Yes. You can go swimming with your Uncle Asher.”
Baz doesn’t look too happy and shakes his head. “No. I want all of us to go!”
Sawyer and Viv both look uncomfortable, but I'm sure as fuck not going to be their babysitter while they go and bang each other’s brains out. “Sounds good to me.” I wink at Baz and feel the heated gaze of his mother that I refuse to look at.
“Please, Mommy!”
I hear Viv sigh loudly, but I already know she’s given in. “Okay, come on. Let’s go get changed.” She shoots Sawyer an apologetic look before taking Baz’s hand and leading him toward the bedrooms.
And then his eyes lock on mine. Once he was my best friend, but now he looks at me with the same contempt that I look at him with.
“Hear you two aren’t an actual couple. What the fuck’s that about?”
His eyes dart toward the bedrooms and then back to me. “She told you that?”
I knew they were all full of shit. Is this news to him? “Yup. And so did Linc.”
His confidence is back as he shrugs and takes a seat on the sofa in the living room. “Why the hell would she tell you that?”
He doesn’t believe me, and I walk further into the living room. “I think she’s just fucking with me as per usual.”
His eyes roll as he leans back into the white couch in Lola’s living room. “No. She’s not. There is no actual commitment. There never was.”
I try not to let my jaw drop. “So then, what was that all about? You moved her here just to prove you could take her from me?”
He stands up, acting like he’s sick of my shit. “You really think that all of this is about you, don’t you? Jesus, Asher. Get over yourself.”
“Fuck you.” He doesn’t flinch. “You two aren’t together? Then what was all of that shit about l
iking her?”
“I did.” He corrects himself quickly, “I do. I just don’t . . .” He grips his hair with one hand, looking slightly tortured, but I don’t feel bad for him. “I don’t love her. Not like that. And she doesn’t love me.”
I don’t want to hear any of this shit. I just want to hate them both and go on about my life. I grit my teeth. “Then why date her?” I don’t let him answer. “Why the fuck did you warn me about dating a single mother with no intent to commit to her? Why did you encourage me to be with her? And then fucking date her yourself with no intention of committing to her?”
I mean, how fucking hypocritical can you get?
“I had every intention of getting to know her more and see if that’s what we both fucking wanted, Asher. Which I would have explained to you if you would have just talked to me.”
“I think there’s more to it.”
He takes a step closer to me, pointing to his chest. “We’ve known each other since we were kids. Do you really think I have some evil plan? That I wanted to fucking hurt you?”
I don’t know anymore. “Why were you trying to push me toward her only to take her away?”
“You told me over and over again that you didn’t want her. I tried like fucking crazy to get you to think about actually committing to trying. I wanted to see if one of us was actually fucking capable of a real relationship. Love, marriage, babies, all that normal shit.” He looks distraught, his voice raising which is odd for Sawyer. “And it turns out, no. Neither of us are.”
“What the hell made you think you could with her if I couldn’t?”
“It just happened, Asher. I didn’t expect to like Baz so damn much. I hate kids.” That’s definitely true. “But I did. And I just got used to hanging out with you all. And I thought Viv was this stuck-up prude . . .”
She’s definitely not, but I remember all his little comments to that effect.
“When you were avoiding her as much as possible, I was still there, hanging out with Baz and her, and it just fucking happened. She’s beautiful and smart. But also strong and determined. A great fucking mom. I wanted to want her, to see if maybe she was the one.” His shoulders sag. “But it turns out I’m just a broken motherfucker like you.”