by Nicole Dykes
“I think he felt trapped.”
She shakes her head, her throat flexing with sadness. “He’s trapped in grief he’s never dealt with. I think you could help him with that if he would just let you.”
“We aren’t right for each other.”
“Only you two can decide that. But know I'm team Ash and Viv.”
I laugh, fighting back tears, knowing that’s impossible. “Thank you for today. I learned a lot.”
“No problem. You have class tomorrow?”
“In the evening. Yes.”
She smiles. “Soon you’ll be teaching me.”
I push the car door open. “I doubt that very much.” I turn back to her. “Thank you for being a friend to me when you didn’t have to be.”
She smiles. “You need to forgive yourself for that.”
She’s referring to Colt. “I didn’t know you, but I still didn’t do it to hurt you.”
She takes a deep breath and then manages a smile. “I loved Colt, but we were the ones who weren’t right for each other. You didn’t come between us because we weren’t truly together. Something was missing.”
I push the door open and climb out, thinking about what was missing with me and Asher and feeling numb because it felt so perfect until it wasn’t.
“Viv?”
I turn toward Penelope before shutting the door. “Yes?”
“The only people who came between you and Ash were yourselves. The answer is right there.”
I stare at her, unsure what the hell that means as I close the car door, and she waves with a smile before backing out of the drive.
The answer is right there.
What the hell is she talking about. We are the reason we aren’t together.
Of course, we are. Isn’t that how it works?
I sit out on the back patio, staring at the ocean in the distance and thinking about what it would be like to wade into the water and never come back.
The dark thought is washed away with the sound of the sliding glass door followed by Viv’s cautious voice. “Asher?”
I don’t turn to look at her. Instead I tuck one hand under the back of my head and continue my lazy gazing toward the ocean. “Yeah, I'm out here.”
I hear her moving, sitting in the lounge chair next to me. “Baz?”
I use my other hand to point to my phone that’s connected to the monitor in his room. He may not be a baby, but that doesn’t mean we don’t keep an eye on him. “He fell asleep like twenty minutes ago.”
Her voice is quiet, and I still can’t look at her. But I hear her shift, lying back further into the chair. “Thank you for taking care of him today. I’m sorry it’s so late.”
“It’s no problem.”
There’s a silence now, a long stretch of quiet I wish I could say was uncomfortable, but it’s not.
“I didn’t intend to be gone all day, but I knew Baz needed it.” She turns, and I can feel her eyes on me. “I knew you probably needed it too.”
My throat is dry, and my voice reflects that when my head slides to the side to glance at her. “Don’t do me any favors, Viv. But yeah, it’s never a problem to spend a day with my nephew.”
She seems defeated tonight. Her fire from this morning is doused, and she looks tired. “You did me the favor today, but I knew Sebastian was in good hands. So, thank you. It’s still not easy for me to leave him.”
Why is she telling me this? I look away and up toward the sky. “He’ll always be safe with me.”
Did she forget about this morning? About the terrible things I said to her? She’s being too kind to me, and I don’t like it. I want to stew in my anger.
“I know.”
I huff and turn to look at her again. She’s still dressed for work in a black skirt and red sleeveless top. She definitely shows a lot more skin these days. “What is this?”
Her face scrunches up in confusion. “What?”
“Why are you being so nice?”
Her eyes roll. “I’ve always been nice to you.”
I beg to differ. My mind going through several times she wasn’t so nice. The day she left me at the forefront, but I don’t throw it out. “I don’t like nice, and I told you this morning I'm not here to be your friend.”
“We were friends once though.”
Jesus. She needs to go back to hating me. “I told you exactly what we were.”
“And you were wrong.” I stare at her, and she only kicks up her shoulder in indifference like she doesn’t care if I believe it or not. “I wasn’t with you because you were easy. In fact, it was the opposite, but it didn’t make me stop wanting you.”
My heart is racing from her words, and it only makes me angry, my body betraying me. “We were never together.”
She nods her head in agreement. “You’re right. We weren’t. You didn’t want that, but I did.”
I swallow, trying to wet my still parched throat that feels like sandpaper. “You didn’t know what you wanted.”
“Oh, that’s what every woman wants, Asher. A man to tell us what we want.”
I roll my eyes at her now, but I’m happy she’s at least fighting back. I wasn’t buying that defeatist attitude. “You wanted company. You wanted an orgasm. And you got all that you needed until you were bored with that and left.”
Her mouth drops open, and she stares at me, horrified. “You really do believe that, don’t you? You think that’s all you were to me?”
Fuck, I wish I was high right now. Or drunk. Fucking something. I don’t want this discussion. But I had to stay sober since I was the only one watching Baz today. Lola is staying at Hayden’s tonight. “I don’t want to talk about this. I’m over it.”
She scoffs loudly and sits up to face me, her ankles crossed, and her legs tucked back elegantly. “You aren’t over it. You’re angry.”
I sit up too, leaning in toward her “Of course I'm angry. You didn’t even give me a chance.”
She tilts her head to the side, thinking that over. “What are you talking about? I did. I wanted to try. You didn’t. And then we went back to being friends, and you lost your shit when I went out with Sawyer.”
“My so-called best friend.”
“And what exactly did he do wrong, huh? Why was it so wrong for us to go out on a date?” She gestures with her arms out wide and then points her finger at me. “If you and I were never anything more than just fuck buddies, then why did you get so angry?”
“Because you don’t fucking do that, Viv.”
“Do what? You’re telling me that you and Sawyer never slept with the same woman before?”
She knows we have, or she wouldn’t be so confident. “How often do you and Sawyer talk about me? Jesus.”
This is all too much. I stand up and strip my shirt off, leaving me in my swim trunks and Viv stands too. “We both care about you, so you naturally come up.”
I lean in close to her, way too fucking close because her scent is still intoxicating. “And is that with your clothes on or off?”
She looks irritated, but then shrugs her shoulders. “Both.”
A growl bubbles up in my throat. “I don’t ever want to be part of your foreplay.”
Her eyes roll again. “He didn’t want to lose you, and of course, we talked about where we went wrong. He wanted to talk to you before we went out on the first date.”
Yeah, he told me the same bullshit. “Well, he didn’t.”
“Because I told him you had no claim over me. And you didn’t.” This time, she’s the aggressor, and she leans in close, her lips a mere inch from mine. “Because you didn’t want that claim, and you told us both over and over that you didn’t.”
“So, he’s fine with being the consolation prize.”
“Oh, you’re no prize.” She pulls back, folding her arms over her chest. “Believe me.”
“So then, why are you trying so fucking hard to be my friend?”
She surprises me when she uncrosses her arms, placing one hand on my c
hest. My flesh sizzles from her touch as her eyes meet mine. “Because you were my friend, and I can’t stand you hating me.”
I want to push her away, but I stand still, staring into her eyes, missing her and hating it. “I can’t be your friend. I tried that and got burned.”
“I left because I couldn’t take being near you.”
“You took Baz too. You left me behind like all the rest of them.”
I can’t take the look of pity on her face. I grab her wrist, surprising her, but I don’t hurt her. I only push her hand away and walk to the pool, jumping into the deep end, needing space.
When I pop back up, I’m hoping she’ll be gone, but I know better and see her heels first before my eyes slide up her toned legs and all her curves before my eyes meet hers. “We live together again, Asher, because you wanted to. You’re going to have to face me sometime.”
I brush the water off my face with one hand. “Not tonight.”
She nods her head slowly, taking a deep breath. “Thank you for watching Baz today.”
“Anytime.”
I sink back under the water, and my thoughts go back to never resurfacing.
But I’d never do that to Baz. He’s my reason to keep going, and I want to be better.
But I have no idea how to do that.
It’s only been a few days since I tried to talk to Asher by the pool. My conversation with Penelope made me want to try, at the very least, to be his friend. But he made it pretty clear he doesn’t want that.
Baz is spending the night with Nora tonight, and Lola is staying with Hayden. I guess I didn’t want to be alone in the house with Asher, or maybe I don’t trust myself, so I sent a text to Sawyer.
I missed him this week, and he has a rare night off. So, he came over, bringing rum, cola, snacks, and the best part of all, his smile.
He doesn’t hate me. He isn’t all broody and pissed-off. His smile is bright, beautiful, and genuine.
I take a drink of my rum and cola, mixed strong enough to forget about this week and lay back in the lounge chair out by the pool with Sawyer kicked back in the chair next to me. He came over this evening wearing swim trunks and a t-shirt that clings perfectly to his sinewy muscles.
I think I'm staring. I don’t remove my eyes from him as I sip my rum, and a giggle escapes my mouth. He looks at me curiously, his own drink in hand. “What’s so funny?”
I shake my head and take another drink. “I honestly have no idea.”
He laughs, shaking his head at me. “You already buzzed? I told you, you should have had more dinner.”
Oh yeah, he brought dinner too. See? Things with Sawyer are just so damn uncomplicated. Except for the whole “we aren’t in love” thing. I laugh again, light and airy. and he laughs with me, taking another drink.
I didn’t go to parties in high school, and in college, I was a single mom, so I didn’t go to them then either. So I guess a part of me is enjoying letting loose with Sawyer out by the pool. It’s summer after all, and I know Baz is in very capable loving hands. I turn up the music on my phone that’s connected to a speaker and tap my feet at the end of the lounge chair.
“I like you like this, you know?”
I swivel my head to look over at him again. “Like what?”
He finishes his drink and stands up. “Free. Happy. You’re a lot of fun when you aren’t being a tightass.”
I roll my eyes and finish my drink, handing him my cup, knowing he’s going for a refill. “Gee, thanks.”
He chuckles as he takes my cup and his over to the outdoor bar. He hands me my now-full glass, setting his down on the table between us, and slips his shirt off over his head.
My foggy brain, of course, notices he takes his shirt off exactly the same way that Asher did the other day . . . reaching one hand behind his neck and pulling it off effortlessly. He looks good. He always looks good.
He raises an eyebrow, noticing me gawking at him and tosses the shirt at me as he goes back to lounging next to me. I catch his shirt with one hand, my drink sloshing in my glass, and toss it down onto the cement. “What?”
His shoulders lift with laughter as he grabs his drink, taking a sip. “You can touch. You don’t have to just look.”
I smile, taking a drink of my own and feeling my cheeks heat. “I know, but why?”
He looks over at me like I'm nuts, “Because it’s fun.”
I laugh and take a big gulp of my drink, definitely feeling the alcohol in my system. “No. I mean, why aren’t you more pissed-off about seeing a hickey on my neck?”
I guess I shouldn’t have expected him to be jealous, but not even a hint? He shrugs, tucking one hand under his head and looking out at the sunset. “I’m not him, Viv.”
I look at him suspiciously, wondering what the hell he’s talking about. “I know you aren’t. I don’t want you to be Asher.”
His eyes meet mine slowly, the brown near a golden color. “You sure?”
My cheeks are flaming now, and I’m hoping it’s just from the alcohol. “Of course.”
He shrugs his large shoulders, taking another drink and looking out at the sky as the sun sinks down, casting a beautiful purple and orange glow. “Okay. I just mean, I know I don’t own you, Viv. He may not have known that, but I do. You’re allowed to fuck around as much as you want.”
I swallow another large gulp, and Sawyer grins at me before doing the same. When we finish our drinks he stands up, taking our cups and placing them on the table and reaching for my hand.
I take it as he pulls me from my comfy spot on the lounge chair and turns up the music. “You too drunk to go for a swim?”
I shake my head slowly as he lets go of my hand, and I lift my dress off and toss it behind me. Tonight, I'm not wearing a “mom appropriate” suit. Instead, I opted for a teal string bikini top that ties behind my neck and black bikini bottoms, leaving nothing to the imagination. And it’s clear Sawyer appreciates it as his eyes drag over my body slowly. “Fuck swimming. Let’s go to your room.”
I laugh at that and shake my head. “No way. I’ve been drinking, and you might take advantage of me.” I pretend to be frightened of him, and he laughs, picking me up and slinging me over his shoulder.
I like me like this too. The playful side of myself is one I hardly ever let escape.
I laugh and pretend to struggle, even though I don’t mind his arms around me at all, especially with the rum running through my veins. “Put me down, you ogre!”
He smacks my ass with his palm, and I laugh again, still struggling. “Come on, Viv. You know I’ll make you wetter than the pool.”
I giggle at his ridiculousness because I love this playful side of him too. “You keep spanking me, and I will be,” I growl into his ear, and he groans.
“Fine, you win.” He walks over to the steps, and I squeal, still playing like I want him to put me down. He ignores me as we both laugh, and he wades in. Soon I feel my feet go under, and then he slowly pulls me from his shoulder, lowering me into the water before him. I don’t know how to describe what I have with Sawyer. He makes me hot. He makes me slightly goofy, but the best way I can describe what we are is friends that sometimes have really great sex.
“You’re fucking great, Viv. You know that?” He looks into my eyes, grasping my cheeks in his hands as we both stand with our feet touching the cement bottom of the underground pool.
“So are you.” My finger traces the “P” over his chest as he leans forward, and his lips capture mine. The embrace is warm, comfortable, and fully returned by me until I hear the sliding glass door whoosh open.
We both turn in that direction, but Sawyer doesn’t drop his hands from my face. Asher is standing at the pool’s edge, his eyes like hot daggers piercing through me, and inexplicably my heart starts to race.
“Can you guys keep it down? Jesus fucking Christ.” He looks even more moody than usual as his hand runs through his thick brown hair.
I’m frozen in place as Sawyer drops his hands, us
ing one to pull my body to his side so we both face him head-on. “Oh, calm down, Grandpa. Did you really fucking forget how to party?”
“Maybe I’ve grown the hell up, Sawyer.”
“Do you mean you’ve gotten really boring? Because I agree.”
I suck in a sharp breath at Sawyer poking the vicious bear. “Fuck you, Sawyer.”
Sawyer’s large shoulders just shrug before he dunks under the water briefly, leaving Asher’s angry eyes to meet mine before Sawyer pops his head back up. He shakes his wet hair vigorously and splashes up at Asher. “Grab a drink. Get your trunks on and fucking live again.”
There’s no way he’s going to do that.
He’s so furious with the world and with me and Sawyer. His jaw ticks as he watches us, and Sawyer’s arm wraps around my shoulder as he leans over running his tongue over my earlobe, making me shudder. My eyes close as I lean into him, and I hear a growl from Asher.
“You want to party, Sawyer? Like old times?”
Sawyer lifts his head, his eyes meeting Asher’s with a cool smile playing on his handsome face. “Unless you’re scared.”
Neither one of them backs down from the intense stare-off, and one thing is for sure . . .
I’m definitely scared.
Fuck them both. Their music is loud as shit, and it’s making it hard to concentrate on anything. I saw Sawyer’s car pull up to the house earlier, and I decided to give them space. I stayed in my fucking room like a good boy, studying for my teacher prep program, but these two fuckers make it really difficult to do that.
Especially when I heard Viv squealing happily.
I couldn’t take it anymore, and when I walked outside, the first thing I saw was his lips on hers. I should have left. But if I did, Sawyer would win. He’d love to believe that this bothers me.