Sinning Again

by Heidi Lowe

  Her moans were glorious, her frenetic shouts of "yes” even more so. Gone were my concerns about my ability to perform with the strap-on.

  I pounded and pounded, and she murmured and cried. And her climax, when it finally came, was loud and powerful. I felt it in my own body.

  I stayed inside her while she caught her breath. I kissed her back.

  "How was it?" I asked, even though I already knew the answer.

  She laughed. "So good I wonder why it took you so long to do it."

  An hour later we were still naked. It seemed like our default state these days. I never saw any reason to wear clothes in the evening, because she would only take them off soon after she woke up.

  We were sitting up in bed, and I was in her arms, leaning against her chest. I could feel her heart beating against my back.

  "Do you still have those nightmares?" I said. It was nearing dawn, and she would soon have to leave me for her long sleep. I thought about this every time our night drew to a close, sad that she would have to endure her memories.

  She sighed. "I'll always have them, Lissa. That's the punishment. One of them, at least."

  "I'm sorry."

  "You don't have anything to be sorry about, my darling. Because of you, when I wake up, I have a reason to smile. So the nightmares don't harm me anymore."

  She'd told me about how she had to relive every bad decision she'd ever made, see all the wrongs she'd done, repeated ad infinitum. It sounded excruciating. I didn't know how she could still be so full of cheer in the evening. Maybe I really was the light to her dark.

  "Do they all get them?"

  "I've never spoken to anyone else like me, but I would assume so, yes."

  This brought me to another thought. About the meeting that was taking place in a few days, in our house. Robyn had arranged it, and though Jean had been reluctant to be a part of it at first, my attack had changed her mind.

  The alliance were coming, and Jean had joined. I didn't know much about them, just that they fought for justice for vampires – justice for themselves. And their latest issue was the repeated platting incidents.

  "Sunday will be a first for both of us, then," I said. It both intrigued and frightened me to meet other vampires. To have them under my roof. But I'd suggested the manor as the meeting place. I wanted to be supportive. And my curiosity about them was all-consuming.

  "I can get the venue changed, sweetheart, it's no trouble. I want you to feel comfortable."

  "No, I want to meet them," I said. "I want to know what they're like, if they're like you."

  "There won't be many of us there. You'll be safe the whole time, I promise. Just keep the dagger that I bought you close."

  She didn't trust her own kind any more than the human population did. It made me wonder if she saw herself the way she saw them. Was she also something to be feared, to not be trusted?

  She buried her face in my hair, sniffed my scent in, and let out a happy sigh. "I love you so much."

  "I love you, too."

  "And I hate to leave you."

  "I'll count down the hours until we see each other again," I said.

  She gently pushed me forward to signal that it was time for her to get up and leave.

  She collected her clothes off the floor and put them back on, while I watched on and we smiled at each other. I wanted to tell her not to go, as though that were an option. Human lovers had the privilege of asking, of getting those extra hours in bed together. We would never have that. So the hours that we did have had to count.

  "Sleep well, my love," she said, blowing me a kiss.

  We were taking Diane's car. The air was foggy and damp from the rain earlier that day.

  The four of us crossed the street to where the Range Rover was parked, running to avoid being knocked down by the passing cars.

  I called shotgun.

  "You can sit wherever you like, Lis', seeing as you're paying for dinner," Raymond said as he and Camille climbed into the back.

  "I'm definitely paying her too much," Diane laughed, strapping herself in.

  The details of the invitation could wait until we got to the restaurant. The big reveal could wait till then, too.

  "It's the rich girlfriend, isn't it?" Camille inquired. "You got back together while you were recovering. You came to your senses."

  "Yeah, and accepted the biggest diamond I've ever seen!" Diane chimed in.

  I laughed at them. I'd only been back at work a few days, and all the usual crazy speculations about my love life were already flying about. They couldn't help themselves. As soon as their gaze landed on the ring taking up my whole hand, I knew I wouldn't hear the end of it.

  So I'd made a decision, something I should have done a long time ago, when I'd started working with them. I was finally righting my wrongs.

  "What's the name again?" Diane said, starting up the car.

  "Island Spice," I said, and gave her the directions.

  The Dirty Dancing soundtrack had been playing in Diane's car, and Hungry Eyes was still in my head even as we parked up outside the restaurant.

  "I know this place. Where do I know this place from?" Camille said, looking at us for the answers.

  I didn't tell her she'd probably seen the bad press, that a vampire had scared away half the clientele. I simply shrugged and walked ahead to the entrance, sucking in a giant breath. My hands were shaking as I pushed the door open.

  She was already there, waiting to greet us at the door.

  "Hello, my love," she said, pulling me into a kiss that was far too passionate for this time of the evening.

  I felt terrific being greeted this way, and I threw my arms around her. The place was packed, and my colleagues, probably stunned, stood behind me. Yet Jean and I had become the only people in the world. That was how it was when we were together.

  She was the first to pull away, otherwise I didn't think I ever would have. And she chuckled.

  "Don't you think you should introduce me to your friends?"

  My friends. Just as I'd suspected, when I spun around to look at them, they were all wearing identical, open-mouthed stares, all directed at Jean.

  "Diane, Camille, Raymond," I said, gesturing to each in turn, "this is my girlfriend, Jean."

  She came forward, extended her hand. "Hello." She smiled as they each shook her hand. Awed? Scared? I didn't know, nor did I care. I wasn't going to keep the love of my life a secret any longer. I owed it to her, and to myself, to come clean. They knew within seconds of seeing her what she was.

  I watched Raymond carefully, saw the color drain from his face. He could have given Jean a run for her money in the pale stakes.

  "N–nice to meet you," he said, the final one to take her hand. I wondered how true that was.

  "Diane, Lissa tells me one of your donors pulled out," Jean said. I loved how business-like she sounded when she talked to others. It was one of the sexiest things about her. "If you like, after dinner we could talk about me becoming a future donor?"

  Diane's face lit up in a way I'd only ever seen when she was drunk. "That would be swell. Just swell." And she was using words like "swell", which meant she was nervous.

  Nadine joined us moments later, and everyone introduced themselves. My two worlds were finally merging, and so far, so good.

  Once we were seated, and had ordered, our food didn't take long to arrive.

  "That was really nice of your girlfriend to offer to be a donor," Camille said.

  Diane moaned in agreement, mouth full of rice and meat.

  "She thinks it's a good cause," I said. I forgot to add that she had devoted her life to making me happy, and would sink her money into anything if she thought it would achieve that.

  We talked amongst ourselves about everything but the big, fat elephant in the room. And throughout dinner, Raymond stayed uncharacteristically quiet, not adding much to the conversation.

  It was only once the meal had finished and we'd gravitated to the bar, and Diane an
d Camille had nipped to the ladies' room, that he finally spoke to me.

  "Lissa." He took me aside, away from the bar, away from ears. There was a pained look on his face, and I noticed that he couldn't look me squarely in the eye. "Why didn't you say anything?"

  I knew what he was talking about. "The longer I left it, the harder it got. I didn't know how everyone would react, and I just wanted things to be simple for once, you know."

  "I feel terrible." He looked troubled, truly troubled, and bags had formed under his eyes. "Look, I didn't mean those things I said. It was stupid, and ignorant, and I'm deeply ashamed–"

  I touched his arm. "Ray, it's fine. I get it. A year and a half ago I would have said the same things about vampires. I did say the same things, and worse."

  "She's great, you know."

  We both looked at Jean, who was talking to Nadine and hadn't seen us.

  I smiled, my heartbeat speeding up as I watched her. "I know."

  THIRTY

  What outfit did a human wear to a meeting for vampires? That was the pertinent question.

  I knew it mattered, even though Jean insisted it didn't. I wanted to make a good impression, to look worthy by her side.

  As the day wound down, I realized that time was running out to decide on something. The blazer and jeans with polo sweater always made me look like someone to be taken seriously. I'd stolen the look from Jean herself.

  I heard someone entering the house just as I was finishing up with my makeup.

  Robyn sighed when she saw me appear on the stairs.

  "You're not coming to this, are you?"

  I smiled to myself. "Of course I am." A detail which she already knew. This whole pretense of being annoyed with my presence, that was the nature of our relationship. She had to keep it up because it was the only thing she'd ever known. Being the ice queen, the mean woman who never had anything nice to say to me, was the only role she knew how to play. But I saw the distinction. There wasn't real animosity in her voice, no hatred in her eyes.

  "Great! That's all we need."

  I trailed behind her as she went into the kitchen, helped herself to some orange juice in the refrigerator. "Do you want one?" she asked, reaching for a second glass.

  I nodded. "You do know this is my house, don't you?" I said.

  She snorted a laugh. "What, your shelter money pay for it, huh? I didn't know that cleaning dog crap up paid so well."

  I took the proffered glass from her. "I don't need it to pay well. I'm a gold-digger, remember? I found a rich sugar-mama to support me," I joked.

  "Just confirming what I always knew about you." She sipped her drink, eying me with amusement. "I don't want you bothering them tonight."

  "What are they like? The others, I mean. Are they like Jean? She just seems so...I don't know...normal. Human."

  "I've only met a couple of these ones. They're mostly very serious people. They're not going to like you."

  "What do you mean? Everyone loves me. You included," I teased.

  She glowered at me from behind her glass, didn't dignify it with an answer.

  I followed her into the living room. Something occurred to me, something I had for the most part avoided thinking about. And now it troubled me.

  "What are they going to do when they find the Weres?" I asked.

  She sighed impatiently, rolling her eyes. "What do you think they're going to do, invite them round for dinner? With any luck they'll exterminate the whole pack of vermin."

  I had every right to want Dallas and her friends taken out, after what they'd done to me. They wouldn't have thought twice about killing me that night. In fact, it had been their intention. But this, being a part of the task force that sought to slaughter them, didn't sit well with me. How could it sit well with Robyn?

  "I can't allow that," I said.

  Robyn looked at me as if I had jello on my head. "What do you mean? It's not up to you. And I would have thought you of all people would want them taken care of."

  "I want them punished, not murdered. Thrown in jail or something."

  Her laugh was cruel and cold. "That's not how these things work. Stop thinking like an idealistic child, Lissa. The world is a dark and dangerous place."

  "Well, I'm not going to be a part of it. And I'm not going to help them. I don't want anyone's blood on my hands."

  She shrugged. "Whatever."

  Jean emerged from her lair forty minutes later, smelling fresh and delicious, as always. I ran into her arms when she found me in our bedroom.

  "I missed you," she said, kissing me all over my face. She said it every evening, following our daily separation – which seemed to last an eternity. I liked winters the most, as the nights lasted longer.

  "Jean, I don't want you and the others to harm the werewolves."

  She held me away from her, regarded me with a furrowed brow, as if I'd gone mad. "Where is this coming from?"

  "That's what this meeting is about, isn't it? To come up with an extermination plan."

  "Lissa, they tried to kill you!" She didn't so much shout it as shriek it. "They're dangerous, honey."

  "People think you're dangerous, all of you. But you wouldn't want them to wipe your race out." Actually, I wasn't so sure about that. Jean hated what she was, and as such, hated what they were. There had been times in the past, before the truth about my mother came out, when I'd thought she wanted to die. That she believed she and the rest of the vampires were a plague to society.

  "My job is to keep you safe, and that means that anyone or anything that poses a threat to your life must be annihilated."

  I wrenched myself away from her. "My life is no longer in danger. I haven't seen Dallas in weeks. And there hasn't been another platting attempt in weeks. You don't have to do this. They don't deserve to die."

  I heard her let out a long breath. She ran her fingers through her long, black mane, looking stressed.

  "What am I supposed to say to them now? Those vampires that your friend and her pack killed, those were their friends. And they want justice."

  I didn't like the way she referred to Dallas as my friend. She was inadvertently condemning me for the friendship. It made me think that she would never forgive me for losing my way, for bringing Dallas into our lives.

  "Wrong. They want retribution. Justice would be taking them to the cops."

  Just as Robyn had, almost in the same cruel way, Jean laughed. "The police don't care about our problems. You should know that by now. Serving and protecting was never meant to apply to us, only against us."

  And then I was crying. It happened so suddenly that it startled both of us. Everything became too much. We were fighting now, and I didn't like how cold she was being.

  "Can't you see that I don't want their blood on my hands...or yours? I don't want my girlfriend to be a murderer."

  My tears were like Kryptonite to her. And even though I hadn't purposefully let them fall, I was grateful for them.

  "Oh, honey." Her arms embraced me, and I let her hold and comfort me. "Please don't cry. It's all right."

  "I don't want to see you like that again." I had once, and it was the worst time for both of us. It had taken so long for me to get back to a place where she was just the woman I loved, not this dangerous monster who could kill at will.

  I sobbed into her shoulder and she whispered words to soothe me.

  "I'm never going to be that person. I'm never going to do anything that will make you afraid of me, or stop loving me." Once I'd calmed down, she looked at me, her expression intense. "I promise I won't harm them, okay?"

  "And what about the others?"

  "As long as I'm with them, no harm will come to the wolves."

  "What if they don't listen to you?"

  "I'll make them listen," she said, unblinking, determined.

  I believed her because I had no reason not to. Even if I knew that what I was asking her was a tall order, may have even been impossible. I believed her because she meant it, I could feel
it.

  The bell rang just as we were cuddling again. They were here.

  She looked at me. "Are you still up to sitting in on the meeting? I want you by my side. You give me strength."

  I nodded. I felt her body tremble a little, and it startled me that meeting her own kind, to talk about something as important as their survival, made her so nervous. More nervous than I was.

  We went downstairs hand in hand, and I felt proud and special beside her. Like I belonged.

  Robyn had let them in and was waiting with them in the living room. Six in total, only one woman among them. She was older than Jean, maybe mid-fifties, short, demure, with an Angela Merkel – the German Chancellor – look about her. I fully expected her to open her mouth and speak with a thick German accent.

  The men were a mixed bunch, but they too had that air of importance about them. There was a handsome bald guy in an expensive suit, and he looked like he'd never smiled before. They all seemed so serious.

  All, that is, bar one. The youngest of the group. The youngest person in the house. A boy of no older than twenty, but with the stance and dress sense of someone who had seen much of the world. He'd clearly aged everywhere but his body. I wondered how long he'd really been on Earth.

  They were all looking at me, looking at my hand in Jean's. It unnerved me so much that I tried to let go, but I felt Jean's resistance. She wouldn't let me.

  It was the young boy who spoke first. "Who's the girl?" There was something sort of cunning in his eyes as they sparkled. Why was I something to gawk at, when I wasn't the only human in the room? Robyn was there, pouring red liquid from the blood bags into fancy glasses. Had they come directly from Jean's own supply, or had she picked some up especially?

  "The girl is Lissa, my life partner," Jean said petulantly, defensively.

  "Now that is certainly original," he snorted, an eyebrow pricking up. "Her life or yours?"

  It took mere seconds to conclude that I didn't like him, to see him as a troublemaker. Maybe it was his youthful appearance, or the way his dark hair was slicked back with gel to look like a rebel from the fifties. Whatever it was, I failed to warm to him.