House of Straw
Page 41
Suddenly Bree’s legs began to tremble beneath her. Her heart began to race as she looked down and faced the reality of her situation. She seemed to be higher now, so much higher than before. It was too high, she thought, this is too high. Her body began to shake, she started to feel giddy. In an instant her fearlessness had been replaced with total panic. All her bravery had vanished, she grasped tightly onto the barrier and pulled her legs carefully over the railing to safety. Her heart sank deep into her chest and large tears appeared in her eyes. This is not what she wanted, she needed to be with him today, she wanted to feel his touch and hold him tighter than she ever held him before. She had planned this day for so long, but she couldn’t find the strength to go through with it, not now, not knowing that Jess might be there too. She didn’t want to share her brother with her, not again.
Bree tried to find an escape route, some comfort in the fact that she might have something to live for now. ‘I can’t be with you, Jamie,’ she shouted at the blackening sky, as though her brother might be looking down, waiting for her to fulfill the promise she had made to him. ‘Not today. I can’t be with you now, Poppy needs me now, I need to be here for her. I need to help her, Jay. She will get to like me one day.’ Her lip began to tremble and her voice became shaky as she faced the harsh reality of her cowardice. ‘She may even love me one day, love me like a real sister. I have to be here for her now, you understand, Jay, don’t you?’
The dark skies opened wider, unleashing a further torrent of heavy rain. It fell harder and louder on the rooftop around Bree’s feet. She pulled her bright yellow raincoat tightly around her neck but seemed to be fighting a losing battle to stay dry. Her dampened face began to show some signs of real concern. She didn’t want her brother to think that she had let him down, she hoped in her heart that he would see why she could not go through with her plan. But now she was lost, she was in no man’s land. She couldn’t join him, but she didn’t want to stay here without him. Her mind was full of confusion, her heart was full of pain.
Bree was now deep in thought. Her head was a minefield of bitterness and bewilderment. The more she thought about the past, the angrier she became. There was something more that she needed to say. It broke her in half to do so, but she knew that she could not leave this rooftop until she had told him everything.
‘I know you saw me, Jamie, I know you saw me do it. But I wanted you to hurt, the way that I was hurting inside, I wanted you to know what it felt like. What it felt like like to lose someone, someone special. But she was no good for you, Jess was no good for you.’
Bree pushed her soaking locks of hair back behind her ears and looked back up at the darkening storm clouds above. ‘You lied to me, Jay, you lied to me when you told me that you loved me, you lied when you said that we would always be together. Why did you want to go away and leave me again? If you really loved me, you would have been there for me. So you lied, Jay, I knew you were never coming back.’ Bree became tearful and her voice trembled. She had to shout now to be heard above the constant downpour. ‘God, I hated you so much that night, Jamie. She was there again, Jess was back in your thoughts. Why, Jamie, why? Everything was changing again, you were leaving me on my own. After all I did for you, I sacrificed everything to be with you. I never wanted anyone else but you, Jay. I never knew anyone else but you. How could you have been so cruel to me, if you really loved me, like you said you did?’
Suddenly, amidst the swirling rain and fading light Bree found a smile, a sinister self-satisfying smirk that beamed across her soaking wet face. She looked up and laughed at the sky. ‘They still think that you did it, did you know that, Jamie? They all think that you wanted to end it all, because of what happened to her, because of what happened to that stupid bitch Jess.’
The tears left her eyes and grew bigger as they rolled down her cheeks. Bree knew he had to hear everything if he was to understand, after all, she was the only living soul that knew what really happened that tragic night at the Maple crossing. ‘You were always the weak one, Jamie, always so weak. I couldn’t let you go, not when you were still thinking about her. You would have told someone, you would have told them what I did.’ Bree’s body began to shake violently as she tried to justify her actions. In her bitter and twisted mind she had convinced herself that he might understand. ‘But you know that I wanted us both to go, Jay, I meant for us both to go together.’ Bree stopped for a second or two. She had lived with the torment of her actions for so long she was still finding it hard to say the words that might free her. ‘I am sorry I never came with you, Jamie, I am so sorry I got out of the car. I never meant for it to be that way, believe me, I wanted to come with you!’
Bree shook her head and began to laugh loudly at the sky. It was the laughter of a soul with no conscience, a bitter and twisted girl that knew that she had wronged her brother but had no sense of true remorse. And now she aimed her vindictive bitterness at the woman who had sacrificed everything to bring her into the world. ‘She will soon know the truth, that bitch will soon know what really happened. Our mother will know that it was all her fault, everything was her fault. I hope she feels as much pain as I have felt these past years, I hope it rips her up inside, Jay, I hate her so much.’
Bree moved back towards her car, her feet trudging slowly through the deepening puddles. She did not feel like singing along or dancing to the song playing through her speakers anymore, she felt inside as if her life had already ended. She knew that she no longer needed to make that sacrifice. ‘I want to be with you, Jay,’ she said, looking back up through the gloomy storm that surrounded her. ‘But not now, Jay, not now.’ She stretched out her arms and screamed as loud as she could at the howling skies above. ‘I can’t be with you, Jamie! Not now I have Poppy, do you understand? She needs me, she needs me, my sister needs me, I have to be here for her now!’
As the skies grew darker, Bree bowed her head. Her windswept hair began to take the full force of those punishing rains. The dark clouds loomed to the left of her and to the right. There were dark clouds above her head and dark clouds inside her head. She could see no escape from this torture. Her soul was to be terminally condemned. She prayed for some respite. Maybe the gods would show her some mercy.
But the gods lurking in those dark clouds above were not here to absolve her of her sins for her treacherous acts. These heaven-sent rains could never cleanse the soul of someone so damaged and heartless. No, these rains were here to remind her that they would always be there, watching over her, never ever letting her forget. The angry gods in those black skies above her would never forgive her for her sins.
The End