Firsts

by C. L. Matthews

  Dad has always been all big and burly, and showed me so much love. But, he'd also always leave. He didn’t stay long, and he ripped my heart out when each visit ended. I stopped calling him mi oso, stopped answering his calls and texts, and though I still read his occasional letter from lock-up, I never replied anymore.

  He broke my spirit. Being abandoned so many times, its easy to get addicted to attention from others, and hate the attention from the one who left you behind.

  A heart can only be broken so many times. A father is supposed to be the one man to never break it.

  Dad reminds me of Idris Elba. He’s scary, in the tough-dad-gangster sort of way. Mamá warned me he was into dangerous and illegal things. It wasn’t until I got older, that I realized what his activities were. My dad is for all intents and purposes—a drug lord, a thug. That’s why he’s in and out of prison constantly.

  I’m scared to know why he told Mamá and Brax that we can stay with him. Are he and Mamá talking again? I need to know if that’s why her and Sy tied the knot. What's going on, and why am I always the last to know?

  When I get home, there’s a note on the counter.

  Won’t be home tonight feel free to order in. -Mamá

  So, she is still avoiding me. I’m not sorry for how I acted. And as childish as that sounds, she should understand that I’m not okay with it. My feelings for Sy aside, I didn't want a man that has never shown affection for Mamá publicly to marry her. She deserves more than that.

  They act like best friends, not lovers. I’ve never even seen them kiss on the lips. I mean, I can see Sy wanting to hide that from me, but I’ve never witnessed anything more than admiration. No sexual tension, love, or adoration.

  He all but said they fucked, but I don’t believe Sy, I can’t.

  Believing him means he’s a liar, an asshole, and a cheat. I can’t even kiss another boy without feeling like I cheated on him, but he sleeps around like it’s nothing? It’s hard for me to swallow, and the more I try, the more anxious I get.

  By the time I’m showered and headed downstairs to catch up on Lucifer, my stomach is queasy, and food is the last thing on my mind.

  Instead of not eating, I order in some Thai food from the place a few minutes away. When it arrives, I’m still not hungry, but pay for it and sit at the kitchen island. Lucifer has already started, but instead of drooling over the hunkiest British guy around, I’m sulking.

  Everything’s wrong, and Sy makes no sense to me. I barely touch my food before heading to bed.

  At around three in the morning, I hear the door open downstairs. My heart races in my chest, but then I remember Mamá didn’t say he wasn’t coming home, just her.

  I get up, forgetting I’m naked from the waist up, and stumble down the stairs. When no one’s home, I prefer to sleep mostly nude. It’s hot as hell in Arizona all times in the year, and if I’m home alone, it doesn’t seem to bother anyone.

  SILAS

  I’VE JUST GOTTEN HOME AFTER the longest fucking night. Xo hasn’t come home, told me she needs a few days. It’s perfect timing since we’re headed to Texas anyway. I haven’t broken the news to Leia, knowing she won’t take it well.

  I undo my boots and slip off my work shirt. Whenever I get done at Cynosure, I feel gross. There's no windows in the place and its full of greasy dudes that like hanging around. In result, I feel dirty, similar to when I go to Vegas and immediately want to take a shower when I'm home.

  I shuffle, trying to find the light switch so I can see better. After tripping over what must be Leia’s boots, I stumble.

  “¡Puta madre!” I howl in the dark room, stubbing my foot on the stairs.

  “Do you kiss your Mamá with that mouth, Sy?” Leia jokes while flipping up the dimmer to halfway. My eyes immediately catch sight of her perky breasts. Jesus. She can’t just come down the stairs nearly naked like that. Her mom—or an absolute stranger could have walked in and attacked her.

  A low growl leaves my throat, and I stalk toward her. “Mi corazoncito,” I speak huskily, stuck between wanting to fuck her and the desire to punish her for her thoughtlessness. What’s more prominent is the need to slam her ample body against the wall and take that precious virginity away from her. As if she knows my thoughts, she backs away slowly, like a scared little doe. All while attempting to cover her breasts.

  It’s too late, I’m too riled to pull back this time. I’m weak for her.

  When I close the distance between us, her skin is flushed and hot. I reach for her left breast, palming it roughly. When I pinch the tight little bud, she cries out, “Sy!” And I’ll do anything in the world to hear her scream my name on repeat forever.

  I bring my mouth to her nipple, licking it slowly, swirling my tongue around the peaked flesh. Leia grips my hair roughly. Trying to stop me or pushing me forward, I’m not entirely sure.

  I’ve never wanted a woman as badly as I’ve wanted my stepdaughter. My stepdaughter, I inwardly groan. This is every shade of wrong, but I can’t help myself. I want her so badly, and I’ll break all the rules to have her.

  Lifting her up by her nearly bare ass, I carry her up the stairs to the room where it all started. The room where I nearly gave in to her—the room I decided I’d do anything to have her, and give her my babies. And now, I’m giving in to a little portion of that. Taking risks I shouldn’t take and breaking rules that could easily put me in prison with her father.

  Fuck. Danté. He’d kill me with his own bare hands...if I didn’t kill him first. That fucker will die from my own fingertips if he tries taking mi corazoncito away from me.

  He’s lucky I haven’t come for him, for threatening me after the best night of my life.

  I toss Leia on the bed, shaking the angry thoughts away. It’s me and her right now; no one else exists, no one else matters.

  “Sy, w—we sh—shouldn’t,” she pants, scooting up the large bed. I remember nearly fucking her, and I know what I want now.

  Spreading her thighs, I kiss and lick her from her inner knees to her ankles, relishing in the taste of her. She’s groaning now, as if in pain, but I know that’s not the case.

  When I begin crawling up her body, biting along the way, her skin rises with goosebumps from the motion.

  I’ve never met a more beautiful woman. No one has her coloring, the perfect shade of brown that’s both beautiful and exotic. A mixture of her mother and father, but uniquely her. I’ve never wanted anyone like I’ve wanted her, and I’ve never dreamed of someone as much as I’ve dreamed of Leia.

  “Sy, is this where w—we,” she stutters, wiggling beneath me, “where y—you fuck me?”

  I can’t help the nervous laugh that escapes me, she’s unbelievably naive, and that proves she’s saved herself for me. She hasn’t given it up for anyone. Her virginity is mine for the taking, her cunt is mine for the claiming, and I’m savage for it.

  Her eyes watch me warily, like she’s angry, but intrigued. And her eyes at this very moment remind me of the sky. They’ve always been barely there blue, but right now they’re a storm of blue skies over a sea of turmoil. Mi cielo bonita. My beautiful sky.

  “When I finally fuck you, and I will, mi cielo, it’ll be in your bare cunt,” I bark, slipping her lace panties to the side for better access. She’s sopping wet, her heat welcoming my eager fingers, begging for me to take her. “There will be no barrier between us, you understand?”

  I gently ease my finger into her, trying to avoid breaking her hymen. When she bleeds for the first time, I want to see it all, to relish in the victory. It won’t be tonight, it has to be special.

  “This is mine, Leia. My cunt, my body, my virginity to take,” I chant, thrusting into her, wanting nothing more than to replace my fingers with my cock. It aches in my dress pants, throbbing in the tight confines of the fabric. It’s hungry for her, and I’m fucking parched too.

  But she practically pulls away a moment later. It’s like something clicks in her mind from me claiming her with words
, a clarity of sorts. I know immediately, she’s gone from eager to anxious. Not from changing her mind on giving into me, but from knowing I’m married to her mom.

  She defiantly turns her head away, but even with her pretending, her pussy doesn’t lie.

  With my free hand I grip her throat, and fuck, I’ve missed her silky, swan-like neck. It’s perfectly arched, and my hand wrapped around it only makes it sexier. It’s an aphrodisiac to abate my growing deprivation of her.

  “When I come inside that pretty little pussy of yours, Leia, my seed will fill you up. And, then you’ll have my babies. Your womb will carry my children, and you’ll be mine.” I bite her lip, pulling it into my mouth. “You’d like that, wouldn’t you?” I demand, forcing her to respond.

  She stares at me, the anger and arousal both very present in those eyes. “The fact that you think I’ll let you fuck me is laughable.” Leia replies humorlessly, then continues her rant. “You married my mom, Sy. This will never happen. This should have never started. You’re going to ruin me.” She retreats, making my hold on her neck drop.

  “You’re right. I’ll destroy you, niñita. I’ll make you desperate for me and what only my cock can give. And, by the time you’ve realized this, you’ll be begging me to let you come, to let you take my hard dick inside you.”

  In response, I grip her pussy tighter, entering another digit in her in one quick thrust. “Oooh,” she releases a gasp, softening to me.

  “That’s right, baby,” I praise her. Again, holding her, but this time, taking her chin so she’s forced to stare back into my eyes. Her barely there baby blues are icy, they never hide her emotions like most people. Barriers don’t exist in her crystalline eyes. It’s one thing I love about her, but it’s not the only thing I love.

  I’ve made many mistakes lately, and she’s trying to fight the conflict she must be warring with. She wants this, she just hates me too. Ella es todo para mí.

  Thumbing her bottom lip, I feel her plumpness with the stroke. Then she’s biting me angrily, and I bask in the pain. Leia reminds me of my carnal side, and what I hold back, she gives when I take, and takes when I refuse to give.

  I ache to have her choke on my cock, and watch as she attempts to swallow my seed. Because she will swallow, and she’ll drink it up as if it’s the finest liqueur. She won’t be able to the first try, but she will eventually. My aching shaft jumps at the knowledge.

  I visualize her. Imagining my cum spilling down her chin, and then down between the valleys of her breasts, makes my balls ache with yearning. The promise of our future has me shaking with adrenaline.

  I’ll have this soon. I’ll have her soon.

  Her eyes watch me with so much passion. They’re soft and weepy. She’s truly upset about Xo and I, and there’s nothing I can say to fix her pain. Not even to ease it a little. It’ll be easier to stay away if she thinks I’m not interested. I just need to push her away again.

  But then she’ll run off. Of that, I don’t doubt. She’s headstrong, and would do anything to put me in my place.

  “Go to bed, corazoncito. I’ll be at Cynosure all day tomorrow, and probably won’t be home for a few nights. Xo and I will be heading to Texas. I expect you and her to patch things up before we leave on Friday.”

  “How do you do that?” she asks, exasperated, glaring at me. I raise an eyebrow at her, not understanding her meaning.

  She throws her arms up in frustration. “Go from nearly screwing my brains out to—” she gestures to us. “To chastising me like a good stepdaddy, in attempt to fix my fucked up relationship with Mamá.”

  “Language,” I growl, nipping her lip.

  “Fuck you!” she practically spits. The constant battle with her has me weak with desire and constant aggravation, too. Even if I told her, she wouldn’t understand. No one would, only Xo understands, it’s her plan after all.

  She rolls away from me, and I let her. It’s the only thing that’s keeping me from dragging her back here and owning her in every way. I’m so fucked, and in over my head with this.

  EIGHT

  LEIA

  DAYS HAVE PASSED SINCE THE last incident, the almost fucking for the fifty-millionth-time incident. And now, with both Mamá and Sy gone, I can breathe.

  Mamá has still been avoiding me. I planned on fixing whatever immature battle we’re having, but she’s like a child, and hasn’t been home when I’m awake. I’m at my wits end with trying.

  It’s bad enough her husband can’t keep his hands to himself, now I’m debating about giving my virginity to someone else to avoid giving it to him.

  I meet Guadalupe and Mariana at Cynosure. Mamá and Sy aren’t here to stop me, and shouldn’t be home until at least the morning. They’re opening an exclusive club in Dallas, one a little different than Cynosure. It’s for high-ballers as Lupe likes to say. They're naming it, Excision, and the irony isn't lost on me.

  “Aye, mamacita,” Mariana squeals happily. When I came to her wanting tips on dancing, she was all for it. We were practically raised together. She’s five years older than me, but we’re fairly close. She took me under her wing when we were kids, and it sort of just stuck.

  I wanted to learn to pole dance, and she agreed to teach me. Technically, she wanted to teach me years ago. But Mamá wouldn’t be up for it whatsoever. She’s tried everything to keep me from following in her footsteps.

  If I don’t get into The University of Puerto Rico for my Addictions and Abuse Bachelor's degree, I need a backup plan. Mamá will never go for it. And Sy wouldn’t either, but it’s my life, not theirs.

  “I’m so excited!” I shrill, jumping up and down. I’ve never been so excited about anything really. Lupe jumps with me, while Mariana just smacks our asses and leads us to the Treehouse. That’s where the dancers put on outfits, change for performances, and do their makeup.

  As soon as I get in there with my bag, a few regulars eye me suspiciously, but it’s Margarita that questions me.

  “What is this Tiger doing in our jungle?” she hisses. I’ve heard the term before. I’m not an outsider, I grew up in these clubs. A tiger is a woman that’s too good to be true, like she’s not meant to be here. And, I can see she’s jealous since I’m at least half her age.

  “I’m here to learn,” I rebut with a contempt filled smirk. “When Mamá retires, I’ll own this place. You better be respectful.” It’s almost as if my spine is fully erect, and the backbone that's always missing with Sy is on full display for these bitches.

  “Ugh, whatever,” she lets out before heading to the main floor.

  I glance at the other ladies, some watch with humor, others with approval. Only one regards me with disdain, and her name is Cherry. She’s always rude to me, she’s jealous of my Mamá, and how much attention Sy gives me. All these girls want Sy, it’s brutal when they dance all over him and I catch a glimpse in passing.

  She and the rest can go fuck themselves.

  “Now, back to it,” I reprimand, fitting right in. Mamá will flip her shit when she finds out I’ve been here. But it’s not her I’m worried about. It’s Silas and his painful punishments. Just the thought has me shivering involuntarily.

  “Damn, Leia! That was amazing!” Lupe hollers.

  Mariana throws in a little, “whoop.”

  I change into an outfit to make me look innocent. It’s tasteful, unlike many things I’ve seen here. Mamá’s club isn’t like many, she doesn’t do full nudity. And it’s not skeevy, there are no extras going down in her club. I’m not sure about her other clubs, but this one seems okay.

  “Wow,” Mariana says on an exhale.

  Lupe whistles and swats my ass. “Damn, girl! You’re one hot Puerto Rican!” I roll my eyes at her, and head to the private rooms with Lupe. She’ll be teaching me a lot, and Mariana is going to help when her shift ends.

  After four hours, my body aches and I’m realizing just how much effort goes into pole dancing. Stage dancing, lap dances, and air dances are the easy part. But
pole dancing is horrendously tiring.

  Mariana got me a stage dance in a few hours. She’s going to announce that I’m new. Technically, this is illegal. Okay, it’s fully illegal, but they’re going to cover for me. They say there’s no touching allowed, and I’m good with that.

  Mariana warns me that I’ll easily get requests for lap dances and bed dances, but I have the right to decline. Mamá and Sy are definitely going to lock me up forever after this.

  It’s show time, and I’m doing a Belle from Beauty and the Beast dance. I’m extremely nervous, but I’ve been told more than once that it’s the most empowering feeling to have every man and woman in a room watch as you dance.

  I strut on stage keeping the innocence lively. I’m wearing glasses and pigtails to make me appear even more pure.

  As the song comes on, and I start the routine Lupe taught me, all eyes are on me. Literally, everyone. All the Jane’s the servers, the Jill’s the dancers, and bouncers have turned their attention to me. I’m suddenly feeling like a deer in the headlights, until I see Brax in the back. What in the ever-loving hell is he doing here?

  He shoos me with his hands then gives a thumbs up. I’m suddenly feeling a little more grounded. He’s my best friend, after all. Lupe must have given him the heads up. And for that, I’m so grateful. He vacates the back couch and finds a floor seat.

  You can do this, he mouths. With that encouragement, I start my routine. People are watching me with lust. Seeing so many eyes burn with desire and need has me getting wet. Is this normal? I never thought I’d get aroused from their carnal needs showing in their pants.

  I peer down at Brax and he’s sporting a rather handsome bulge, and his eyes are swimming in something I’ve never seen from him—desire. My heart beats faster as I slowly lose my clothing. Mariana gave me pasties just in case I got courageous enough to do topless.