Firsts

by C. L. Matthews

  “So fucking beautiful, Lele.” He trails soft touches to my panty clad pussy, and then he’s rubbing his face between my legs. His short scruff grits against my skin and I love it. It’s erotic and dirty, and it’s mine. It’s ours.

  When his eyes find mine again, they’re dazed. He lifts my hips, pulling my panties down. Then his mouth is on my cleft, and he licks long and hard strokes. My legs involuntarily close around his face, wanting to keep him there forever.

  “Brax,” I moan hoarsely. For a guy that I swear hasn’t been with a woman, he sure knows how to go down on one. He lifts my legs over his shoulders, then grips my thighs and pulls my pussy to his waiting lips. He wastes no time to shove his tongue inside me, while his teeth grind into my clit, making me nearly jump with all the sensations.

  I’m lost in him—a goner, and I’m perfectly okay with it.

  As soon as my orgasm climbs and I’m about to jump off that euphoric cliff, the door is slammed open. It hits the wall with a loud house shaking crash. You’d think with as many times this has happened, I’d be used to it. I’m not. It’s just as scary as the first invasion, and I can’t help but let out a yelp.

  I attempt to cover myself, but Brax, ever the gentleman, does it himself, shielding me from whoever busted in.

  “Out!” Sy yells at him. “Get the fuck out before I make you.” He directs all his anger at Brax. After having what looks like an inner battle, Brax places my dress over my girlie bits.

  He moves up to my face, which is soaked in my juices, and kisses me dramatically. I’m putting everything into that kiss before remembering we have a dragon breathing fire five feet away. When Brax pulls back, we’re both smiling. He gets up, blows me a kiss, and leaves. And even by the time Brax’s walking out the door, he hasn’t wiped his face.

  I beam triumphantly.

  THIRTEEN

  LEIA

  “GO, SY. YOU STOPPED MY devirginizing, now you can leave.” I start to sit up, but he stops me. When his palm rests on my chest, I raise my gaze to meet his. Jealousy rages in his eyes as his breaths come out in pants. Leaning over me, he takes his thumb and swipes my mouth before taking it with his. I can’t tell if he wants to replace the flavor of Brax, or he wants to savor the flavor of me. But he doesn’t stop until he’s had his fill, and I’m breaking free for oxygen.

  He gets up, taking me with him. Soon after, we go back downstairs and Brax is nowhere in sight. I search for him, checking every room, and am sad to find he’s gone.

  No one has seemed to notice my absence, and a lot of people are toasted already. Going to Azalea’s kitchen, I spot her with Sy. They’re talking really closely, too closely. He’s whispering in her ear, and rage boils inside of me.

  But it isn’t until I hear, “mi corazón,” and it’s directed at her, that I’m furious.

  My heart pinches, and I know its jealousy. I hate that it’s jealousy. When I open the liquor cabinet, I pull out a bottle of Jose. Then it hits me, that letter. Maybe it was never for me, maybe, just maybe, it was for Azalea, and I’ve been stuck in this fantasyland for too long.

  I uncap it and take a huge swig, and spit part of it out.

  “Um, no,” Azalea and Sy say in unison.

  “We’re celebrating my eighteenth birthday, legal drinking age in Puerto Rico is eighteen. Suck it,” I growl, wiping my mouth of excess liquor.

  “Well, you’re not eighteen,” Sy explains, and Azalea nods in agreement.

  “That’s just too fucking bad,” I admonish, taking the bottle and leaving. Tossing the cap somewhere, I drink down another massive gulp, gagging it down. Brax still isn’t anywhere to be found, but that doesn’t stop me from searching for him while drinking too much booze.

  Getting dizzier by the moment, I feel like crying. Brax left, he hates me, he knows about Sy and hates me. And Sy, he’s with her. Being close to her, whispering into her ear, and probably kissing and doing God knows what else.

  I keep chugging, no longer able to taste the sour rotten flavor the cheap tequila offers. Heading to the dance area, I sway to a sad song. It’s probably not sad, it’s probably a love song, but it’s in Spanish and it sounds like Sarah McLachlan song, which makes me think of those heartbreaking dog commercials. And now I’m crying uncontrollably, and no one bothers to see why.

  Is this normal, emotional teenage behavior? I realize I’m overreacting, but he’s probably making up his own conclusions about me and Silas. And I’m just supposed to act fine.

  And since I’m a tainted play thing, Sy’s probably finding solace in my auntie. Fuck. Stop thinking about it. My stomach churns, and my mind reels for reality and some type of peace it hasn’t felt in a while.

  After I’m stumbling, drunk as a skunk, and ready to go do stupid shit, Sy comes up to me.

  “Let’s go,” he demands, pulling at my elbow roughly. I realize I probably look like a mess and am acting a fool, but he never chooses me. All the men in my life leave, and he’s going to leave too. When he’s used me up, when I’m no longer useful, and no longer fun, he’ll walk away. I’m about to argue how he’s dumb and to leave me alone in this uncontrollable grief. But one look into his eyes, and something's there he hides often. Worry.

  I let him lead me out of the backyard, and when the cab comes to take us to his family’s place soon after, I don’t argue.

  Do you know when you say your final goodbye? Do you have it plotted to the very last detail? Knowing that it is the very last time you’ll give a person a tiny piece of yourself? I do, and tonight is that night. It’ll be the last time I give any piece to my stepfather, any piece to the man that has plagued my mind and heart since seeing him, and the very last time I’ll allow myself to be selfish.

  Tonight is goodbye, and I refuse to dwell on it. He won’t own anymore parts of me after this. I know my choice before I’ve made it. Meeting his unhinged face, I swallow the dryness in my throat.

  “T—this is the last part of me I—I’ll ever give you, Sy. T—this is it, and we’re d—done,” I stutter over the simple words. It’s either the alcohol, nerves, or both.

  “You don’t decide, corazoncito.” But I do, and he knows that.

  I can’t believe I’m doing this. I can’t believe I’m doing this when my pussy is still wet from Brax earlier, my mouth still sodden with Brax’s, mine, and Sy’s flavor mixed together. It’s wrong, it’s taboo, it’s all he’ll ever get from me. I’m letting him go and learning to live without him. And when all is said and done, I’ll beg Brax to forgive me. If he can, we will move forward in this fucked up situation I’ve put us through.

  When we get to his place, Silas carries me wedding style inside his home. It’s empty, and then he’s taking me to a room in the back of the house. He sets me down, climbs up me, holding my neck in the next moment. He grips it while pulling my dress away from my chest with his other hand. My breasts fall free and he sucks a bud into his mouth in the next moment.

  Dirty. Dirty. Dirty. My mind protests this, my heart panics with the repercussions I’ll experience when I’m sober tomorrow, and my soul aches for this poor decision. But I don’t stop, when it comes to Sy, I never stop. He’ll take until he’s had enough, and I’ll let him. I always let him.

  “Sy,” I groan, hating that I enjoy even a second of this. I don’t owe him anything, I don’t owe anyone. Brax is going to hate me.

  “No puedo respirar cuando no estás cerca,” he admits. And I’m not sure if I understand what he said. I’m not only a little plastered, I’m not fluent in Spanish.

  “What was that?”

  “On all fours, mi corazón,” he instructs, smacking my thigh. I still, not sure if I’m ready for this. Ready to give myself to any person, especially Sy. He’s not going to ask twice, he’s going to take what he wants.

  Instead of second guessing my choices, I flip over and get into his desired position. I can’t see him, he never turned on the lights, but I hear shuffling. Sy fumbles, then my dress is tossed to the floor. Now, all that’s left is t
hat embarrassingly white lingerie set, sans panties.

  Rip. There was that white lingerie set. Wiggling, I try to turn and see what he’s doing, but he smacks my ass. “Quédate quieta,” he demands, kissing where he spanked me. Then he smacks twice more and groans in response. “No me puedo controlar.”

  The heat of his breath as he soothes the pain, brushes my cheeks, making me tremble. Silas tongues my globes, licking in slow unhurried circles, then he’s nipping soon after. Each one makes me bow in, and in return my ass gets another whack.

  My pussy is already soaked, the wetness trails down my inner thighs. Sy’s breath blows over my clit and I’m writhing in anticipation. I need this. I need him.

  No matter how wrong this is, I want it. I’ve wanted it for years, and I’m finally giving in. And for once it seems like he does too, like he’s choosing us for tonight.

  Sy interrupts my wandering mind and licks from my clit to my puckered hole. He’s slow, but deliberate with his exploration. The motion shocks me, causing me to jerk. Another smack, another bite, and then he’s back at my tight hole. He strokes again, and again, swirling, and I’m writhing beneath him. It’s dirty, it’s wrong, but it feels fucking incredible.

  “Sy, stop!” I squeal, he shouldn’t be doing this. I shouldn’t let him do this. Oh, god.

  “I’ve wanted this for too long, corazoncito,” he breathes out heavily. And then his tongue is penetrating the tight ring. I feel pressure, it’s not too tight, but it feels like the most gratifying experience I’ve ever had. Forbidden, but so good.

  He spears my hole while shoving two digits into my wet heat. I arch into him, but he pulls out of me, holding my hips while titillating me with his mouth.

  “I need you to fuck yourself on my tongue,” he commands, bringing my hips back to show me the movement. It’s so wrong. So wrong. So fucking dirty.

  No way. No fucking way.

  “No.”

  “You’re going to fuck yourself, and you’re going to like it. And you’ll thank me by coming on my fingers.” His voice is demanding, it’s pure gravel, cynical even, and it’s only making me hotter, needier for this man I shouldn’t want.

  I push back into him, feeling his tongue breach my hole again. “Fuck,” I say on a moan. I rotate my hips while pushing back. His fingers are back at my pussy’s entrance, but they’re still, so I have to move more to get them to fuck me.

  “That’s right corazoncito,” he praises. “Buena, niñita. Just like that.” He moves his mouth to my pussy, grinding his teeth into my cleft. I’m coming fast, my orgasm starting from my stomach and spreading to my toes, making me ache everywhere. It’s such a rush.

  “Sy, Sy, Sy,” I chant while I continue to ride the high and his fingers.

  After it starts to ebb away, he flips me over. I wish I could see his face, see his expressions as he touches me. His warm skin is perfect, it’s what I want.

  He doesn’t waste any time, he rubs my clit while rubbing his tip against my entrance. It’s like he’s preparing himself more than preparing me.

  “I’m going to fuck you now.”

  “O—okay,” I stutter, still trembling from my orgasm. “I’m ready.”

  He eases in, and when it pinches, I cry out. Tears stream down my cheeks, while he seats himself inside of me. “Fuck, corazoncito. So fucking tight,” he groans, holding still between my thighs. I feel a wetness between us, it’s sticky and I’m suddenly grateful for the lights to be out. If not, I’d probably see the blood.

  He takes his left hand, palms the wetness, and rubs it up and down my inner thighs. Swirling the blood and cum mixture all over, he lets out the lowest growl. Like he’s putting on war paint for a battle, and in turn, I clench around him.

  Silas, brings his hands toward my face, brushing his messy fingers across my cheeks. It’s the softest he’s ever been to me, and yet, it’s still feral and filthy. Then he’s thrusting into me, and I’m screaming and arching again. The pain is swift and brutal. My pussy tightens around him, squeezing his cock and aching while doing so.

  “Mía! Mía! Mía!” he yells while thrusting into me. He just called me his. Sy fills me to the hilt, making me feel whole and complete. His balls slap me with each thrust, and the more he takes, the more I want.

  I yell out as his hips jackhammer into me, another orgasm flying through me. My body feels used and abused with his strong hold and untamed fucking.

  His cock stabs me brutally, owning me, penetrating me, keeping me, stealing every piece of me. And when Sy comes inside of me with another powerful thrust, I feel him filling me—filling me with his seed, his very bare and hot seed. Nonononono. He didn’t wear protection. I’m not on birth control. Fuck!

  He continues his pace until every last drop is in me. He doesn’t say a word as he pulls out and his essence spills from my sore body. I don’t know how a woman is supposed to feel after her first time, but I feel guilty.

  Dirty.

  Wrong.

  Terrified.

  I. Fucked. Sy. I fucked my stepfather.

  What have I done?

  ***

  WHEN YOU’RE SO FAR AWAY from home, you can’t help but be reckless, like you’re invincible. It’s the only conclusion to the situation I find myself in this morning.

  Like being naked in a bed, having just fucked my stepdad all night. My stepfather, my mom’s husband, a man as old as my dad. We may still be in the States, but being nearly three thousand miles away from home, it feels like an entire different country to me.

  What have we done?

  My stomach curls, my mind is stuck on Brax. How could I have gone from almost making love to him, to straight up dirty fucking with Sy.

  What have I done?

  My heart feels like it’s severed into two equally demented halves. One side is Sy, my first love, my darkest desire. The other—Brax. My best friend, my new love, and my sweetest pleasure. He’s never going to forgive me.

  Where do I go from here?

  THE END, FOR NOW.

  ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

  Every time I write a new book, I feel this sense of gratefulness for the ones that I’m surrounded by. The list gets longer, my appreciation for human kind grows, and my heart swells like the grinch’s, and I feel it deep in my bones.

  There’s so many things I can say in thanks to my husband, but the most important, is for not giving up on our love. The love that was looked down upon for years, scrutinized, where everyone who didn’t matter had an opinion on something they knew nothing about. I love you so much. I’m always prideful whenever I think of you, of us, of our story. You had faith in me then, and you continue to show me that faith is still there.

  Grandma and Tonya, I miss you and love you both. I’ll never not acknowledge that, and the fact I wouldn’t be where I am today without either of you.

  To my coach, Jessi, for believing in me and pushing me every single day to be the best me. I’ve never had such a strong support system with anyone (other than hubs) until you. You’re singlehandedly my longest friend in this community, and I wouldn’t have explored writing as a full time career without you.

  My betas, ladies, you are so incredibly amazing. I’d be lost without you, and your antics which makes my days brighter. Rumi, Summer, Paige, Dianela, Heather, Tracey, Eva, Jenn K, Jenn D, Dona, Ofa, Helen, Jenz, and Crystal, you guys are absolutely amazing.

  To my tacos, Dianela, Helen, and Geynar, you have helped me beyond words, and I thank you so much.

  Allana, my constant cheerleader, my soul sister, and constant shoulder to talk to. You support me so much, I’m surprised you can handle all my jokes. And you encourage me in every endeavor, and for that, I’ll be forever grateful for you.

  Rumi, girl. You’re a special kind of crazy, one I cherish every time we talk. I’m glad we found each other through Leigh, and I hope you never change.

  Summer, thank you for listening to my antics, my crazy talk, and my doubts and complaining. I appreciate you.

  Leigh, you
may not know this, but you have pushed me to work for what I love, to be better, and not fear myself or the words I write. I love you completely, and hope you stay forever, because I’m Shen-high. Hahahaha.

  To my darling, Giana. You’re amazing, sweet, and so damn supportive. I love you, and the constant love you give back.

  Len Webster and Ella Fields, my lovely Aussies. Y’all don’t even realize how much you’ve been here for me. Ella to check in and make sure I don’t burn out, and to Len for constantly telling me to live without fear. Thank you for everything.

  Alexis, we just found one another, and I feel like I’ve known you my whole life. You just get me and my crazy, and I love that about you. I hope this is the start of the longest friendship.

  Dani R, I’m incredibly happy you pushed me to write anything my depraved mind can conjure. You are amazing.

  To Sonya, my taco bitch for sending me to Cassia and formatting for me. To Cassia for editing my book and feeling emotions along with my character.

  All the bloggers, Aurora H especially. I’d be nowhere without you, girl. Thank you so much. I appreciate you all and wouldn’t be able to live my dream without your support!

  Nadège, Hibby, and Elizarey, thank you for giving me the courage to explore POC characters, and growing my brand and confidence.

  To everyone else that has pushed me and helped me grow, thank you. Thank you! Thank you!

  Table of Contents

  Copyright

  Table of Contents

  Glossary of Terms

  Firsts

  One

  Two

  Three

  Four

  Five

  Six

  Seven