Winter Blues

by Jade Goodmore

  The corridor that leads to her apartment is long, but not long enough for me to counter a clear plan. I stop, hands in my pockets, and I lean my head against the wall. Water from the rain outside drips to my feet, but the wetness does nothing to chill the fire in my resolve. Banging my head several times knocks no sense into my thick skull, so biting the bullet, I decide that playing it by ear is as good a plan as any.

  My hand hovers over the door, stopped from knocking by the sweet sound of Darlene’s laughter. It seeps through the door and surrounds me, giving me that hard kick up the ass I need to see me through his.

  Two sharp thumps on the door sees the giggling silenced. I hear a relay of voices, one definitely being Reid.

  Good, he’s there.

  The door swings wide open, revealing Darlene smiling bright. That smile lasts even less time than it takes for her to shut the door. Not all the way, but enough to hide me from Hubby.

  “What are you doing here?” she bites.

  Even pissed she’s cute. Barefoot, she’s tiny and her hair is piled high on her head. Pink cheeks and bare legs let me know what the giggling was about and I’m both sickened and hot. Her legs are uncovered all the way up to her thigh, where a long sweater hides her panties. With eyes so big and clear I’m sure she can see right through my bullshit. So why bother.

  “You know why I’m here. I need to speak to you.”

  “Ever heard of a phone?” she snaps.

  “Would you have answered?” I snap right back. She rolls her eyes, defeated.

  “Who is it, baby?” a voice from inside calls, annoyance ringing out so obviously. Darlene looks like a deer caught in headlights, especially with those big old Bambi eyes. I almost feel bad for my intrusion, but no pain no gain.

  “Nobody, it’s...” The door is pulled open and Reid glares at me. As if that wasn’t territorial enough, his arm immediately wraps so tightly around Darlene that I’m surprised she can breathe.

  “Blue,” he says, although the way he speaks it, it sounds more like a curse. I notice a faint scar on his left eyebrow and immediately feel gratified.

  “Reid.”

  “Can we help you?”

  “Can I come in?”

  “We’re a little busy at the moment,” he explains, planting a telltale kiss on Darlene’s temple. She accepts it with a tight smile before looking back at me guiltily.

  “Well, I guess we can always talk here.” I make sure to slip Darlene a look that tells her I mean business.

  She cracks. “No!” Ducking from Reid’s arm, she moves away from view. She comes back just a moment later wearing jeans and a jacket and pushing her feet into those damn cowboy boots.

  “We’ll take a walk. Five minutes, tops. And then we can...carry on.” She slows down enough to issue Reid with a loud kiss on his lips. He offers nothing in return. No, he’s too busy burning me with hatred.

  “Hurry back,” he mutters as she walks through the door. She stalks off down the corridor, expecting me to follow. I do, obviously.

  “Elevator’s out,” she calls, taking the stairs. What a crock. I came up in that elevator. I know damn well why she doesn’t want to ride in it with me. Temptation.

  Not stopping at the bottom of the stairs, she carries on over the road, battling the rain with little more than the hood of her jacket. It’s suddenly clear where she’s going. The park. No words are said. No looks exchanged. I can’t gauge her reaction on anything other than the heaviness of her feet on the wet pavement. She’s not happy.

  Turning sharply, she faces me, her features shiny from the rain. I don’t have time to stop. Chest to chest we stand, but only for a second before I am harshly pushed away. Two hands hard against my stomach attempt to thrust me backwards. There’s no real strength behind them, but I humor her and back off.

  “There had better be a death, a fire or an equally serious reason for you to have intruded on us like that!”

  “Okay, calm down.”

  “NO!” A sharp finger jabs me in the chest before she throws her hands in her hair. “I thought we’d said our goodbyes and agreed not to speak again?”

  “We did. I tried. I can’t.”

  “You can’t?”

  “I can’t,” I repeat, stepping closer. She steps back. “I can’t stay away from you anymore. It’s too hard and I’m too weak. I want you, for keeps.”

  “You’re delusional.”

  “Delusional, in love. Same thing, right?”

  Sitting down on a bench nearby, tired or defeated, she shakes her head. “Blue, you’re not in love with me. You need to stop saying that shit.”

  “Yes, I am. And you feel it too. If you didn’t then why would you risk your marriage like that?” I ask, moving closer as I feel the anger subsiding with the rain.

  “Because...I’m selfish, I was in need. It’s a cliché, but it’s true. You were nothing more than a stand-in, Blue. I’m sorry.”

  “That’s bullshit.”

  “That’s the truth.”

  I’m staring into the very eyes that have beckoned me to bed, the lips that have branded my own with kisses that I’ll never be able to forget, trying in vain to see a fault in her words. Nothing.

  “You’re either a really good actress or...”

  “I’m a terrible actress.”

  Shaking my head, fighting the outrage that comes with her persistent denial, I throw my hands behind my head. “You’ve ruined me.”

  “You’re being dramatic.”

  “I gave you everything and you took it again and again!” My pumping blood is loud in my ears and my face is impossibly hot. I’m embarrassed and enraged that it has come to this and she still pushes me away.

  “I know that, Blue, and I’m so grateful and I’m so sorry.”

  “I don’t accept that.”

  “You have to,” she pleads, standing and unleashing those powerful blues on me.

  “No, I can make you happy, Darl. Just give me the chance.”

  “I’m already happy!” she lies. I know she’s lying. She has to be.

  Desperation consumes me. I can’t let this last opportunity slip by. Needing to remind her of our connection, our chemistry, our love, I take her face in my hands. Still fighting, she tries to pull away from me. It only makes me hold her tighter.

  “Stop fighting me,” I order, my teeth clenched to combat the hurt.

  “No, Blue.” Her fists hammer at my chest like ping pong balls, with aim and intent, but no strength. My lips are drawn to hers easily but I’m thrown off by a roaring voice behind me.

  “Let. Her. Go!”

  Immediately placing a voice to a face, then a face to a name, my suspicions are confirmed by Darlene’s wide eyes and trembling chin.

  “Reid,” she breathes like his name is a relief in itself. Pushing one last time, she frees herself. Shoving past me, she moves to stand between us. “Reid, let me explain. Nothing’s going on.”

  “Don’t lie,” I contest, turning to face them both.

  I’m defeated. My hopes for a future between Darlene and I has been trampled on with cute, but very real cowboy boots. Nothing I can do or say can resolve this. Persuasion has failed and romance has died. While Reid is still an option I will never be her first choice. However, if Reid doesn’t want her then I guess that ups my chances.

  I’m not too proud to win by default.

  “Blue,” Darlene warns, her defiance annoying the hell out of me. Why does she insist on protecting him from this? He’s an ass who has given her nothing but pain since I have known her.

  “Enough, Darlene. Enough bullshit!” I look to Reid, standing there without a jacket. His thin shirt is all but see-through from the constant rain. A puffed out chest and clenched fists don’t bring me an ounce of worry. I could take this fool with my eyes closed. Again.

  “Blue!”

  “Darlene and I? We’re together.”

  “No,” she cries.

  “We were together.”

  “Oh my God,” she wh
impers, crouching to the floor and hiding behind her hands like a child. You can’t hide anymore, Pilgrim. I steadily walk toward Reid, expecting fireworks but finding only restraint. Pretty good fucking restraint.

  “It’s been going on for weeks,” I push, wanting a reaction. “I love her, and she loves me.”

  Crack.

  My jaw is knocked unnaturally to the right, sending a sharp pain through my entire face. More contact square on the nose and I’m blinded, flying backwards and falling over something, or someone. Darlene. I shake my head trying to clear my blurred vision and manage to make out Reid towering above us. Darlene scrambles over me with a chorus of no’s, halting Reid from his assault. I don’t know what hurts more, my face or the fact that I have been floored by this asshole.

  “Please stop, Reid! Don’t listen to him, just let me explain!”

  “You don’t need to,” he grinds.

  “I do, I do,” Darlene cries, standing to plead with Reid. My vision clears enough for me to focus on her. Her hood has fallen and the rain is already coating her face with her escaped curls. Desperation controls every part of her; her trembling hands, her tear-ridden eyes, and her quivering voice. You’d think her clear need to make this okay with Reid would be enough to make me see that she wants him. Instead, it only makes me want her to feel that way about me.

  Clawing at his wet shirt as she waits for him to say something, anything, she waits a long time. The slackening of his shoulders comes with a loud sigh, but his fists remain tight. I stand, wobbly, preparing to pounce when Reid finally speaks.

  “I know.”

  “What?” Darlene asks for both of us.

  “I already know. I’ve known all along.” Reid’s voice is only a whisper but it echoes over the pounding rain and Darlene’s soft sobs. Her hands drop from his shirt and she steps back in a daze. I catch her shoulders before she walks into me. Reid stiffens once more at my touch. Stiffen all you like asshole, you won’t touch me again.

  “I don’t understand,” she says, shrugging out of my grasp.

  “I don’t want you to understand. I just want you to know that I know, and that it’s fine. We’re okay.”

  I fucking knew it!

  His hatred for me always seemed unjustified. I should have realized when he came storming into the bar that day looking for Darlene. He knew then and he was expecting her to come down the stairs, not Nina. Ha! I bet that easy lay confused him.

  Darlene is rendered speechless. Me? Not so much.

  “You’re sick. You knew all this time and you were just fine with it? With your wife screwing another guy?”

  Reid winces at my words before stepping closer, menacingly. Darlene places a firm hand on his chest and it seems enough to placate him. He looks at her. He’s a broken man. That much is obvious.

  Darlene finds her voice. “I don’t understand…”

  “Then let me explain…”

  “No.” She glances at me briefly. “We’ll talk about this inside. Alone.” She stalks away, heading back to the apartment. Reid throws me a smug look before following her. Then, stopping dead, Darlene turns slowly and pads toward me, arms folded as if only now does she feel the chill that came with the rain.

  A flicker of hope sparks in my gut as I imagine her choosing me. Even now I can delude myself with ideals. Her eyes stay fixed on the floor, hiding what she is feeling, what she is about to throw at me.

  “Pilgrim...”

  At that word, that name, that reminder of our brief but impassioned history, her eyes lock with mine. Moments pass, wordlessly, but the silence says more than any words could. I see regret, I see anger, I see vulnerability that makes me want to shield her from the world and Reid. But most of all I see disappointment. I don’t know what I could possibly do or say to remedy that.

  With a resigned sigh Darlene opens her mouth to speak and I no longer hold onto any hope. “Goodbye, Blue.”

  39

  DARLENE

  Reid is already pacing the room by the time I make it back to our apartment. He has a towel in his hand, which when he sees me he tosses for me to catch. I take off my soaked through jacket and take a seat on my favorite chair. With the towel pressed hard against my face I try to sift through what has just happened, how it came to be that my life got flipped upside down.

  He knows.

  “When did you find out?” I ask, working the towel through my hair.

  Looking at me as he removes his wet, clingy shirt, he raises his eyebrows. “Does it matter?”

  “Yes,” I answer without missing a beat. “I’m confused by this all, Reid. I don’t get it…I…you’ve known for how long?”

  “Darlene, all that matters is that I don’t care,” Reid says, dropping his voice as he steps closer, but I step back. He doesn’t care? He doesn’t care that I’ve been having an affair, that I’ve slept with another man and had feelings for someone that isn’t him?

  What does that say about our relationship?

  “Look, I’ll explain, okay? I’ll tell you everything but you need to hear me out. No interruptions.” He waits until I nod before he continues, returning to pacing the room like he’s running tracks through his mind. “I’ve known since I got back from New York. I came to watch you perform and I saw it, the two of you gorging on each other from across the room. I waited around and saw you kiss.” He runs his hands harshly over his face, pulling at his eyelids, his mouth. “I thought it was over between us. You’d done the unthinkable.”

  As Reid collapses onto the couch, his elbows supporting him on his knees, I think back to that very night and what he must have seen. I’m humiliated and so incredibly ashamed.

  “I was waiting to confront you the next day and I...I couldn’t. We argued, you remember? And I realized how much of a role I had to play in it...in the affair.” He says the words like they’re painful to speak. They’re painful to hear. “I all but wrapped you in a bow and gave you to him. How could I blame you without blaming myself?”

  “You should have told me. Straight away. I would have finished it.”

  “Exactly. But you wouldn’t have wanted to. You would have finished it because you’re a good person and because that’s what would have been expected of you.”

  “I would have finished it because I love you.”

  “Not enough. And that’s my fault. I had to win it back.”

  “You had to win my love back?”

  He nods.

  “From Blue?”

  He nods again and I feel sick.

  Wiping the tears from my eyes, it is me who is pacing now. Confusion is making way for upset and anger that for weeks we have been lying to each other. While I know it is I who is in the wrong I can’t shake the feeling that his reaction lessens what I thought we had.

  With unconcealed irritation I ask, “Was this a competition?”

  “What?”

  “You and Blue. It was a pissing contest the moment you first met. Was this just an extension of that?” My voice is high and broken by the restrained lump in my throat.

  “No, this was about me deserving your love again. About you making the right decision, not the forced one!”

  “I don’t believe you. I think this was more about your ego than it was about me.”

  “You’re wrong, Darlene. If it was about my ego I would have left you!”

  “You should have! You should be mad at me! That you have been able to live a normal life with me despite knowing what you know makes me wonder if you really love me at all. How could you be so calm about me sleeping with someone else? Weren’t you upset? Weren’t you angry? You get pissed at me for forgetting my phone but this you can overlook?”

  His eyes burn with his own fury and I welcome it, I encourage it. I need to feel something from him, anything other than this coolness. “Trust me, you fucking someone else has not been overlooked.”

  “Really?” I bite on an eye roll.

  I can almost see the red flush over him as he interjects my pacing. He grips
me by the shoulders so much that I wince. Those eyes, so emotive and telling, speak of weeks worth of frustration and I find myself believing him before he even speaks.

  His voice loud and broken, he yells, “You want to hear what I’ve been through? You want to hear what has been going on in my head? I’ve fought with the image of you fucking like rabbits every time I close my eyes! I’ve dealt with questions that no husband should ever have to deal with! Does he make her scream like I can? Does he appreciate how amazing she is and not just how amazing she is in bed?…Does she love him?”

  Tears pool in his eyes and it breaks me to see him so beaten. He looks up to the ceiling in anger, trying to control his emotions, but he’s failing as much as I am. “I am a broken man, Darlene, and the only thing that has held me together is the hope that we can work through this. I had to believe that we could work through this because I wouldn’t have survived if I didn’t. I hated you…”

  I shove him with all I can but he holds me tighter, shaking me enough until I stop struggling. I can barely see him through my abused, wet eyes, but I can feel his power, his desperation.

  “…I hated you…but I loved you so much more.”

  I sob into his chest. It’s not a choice. My body has taken over. I’m barely audible as I say, “If you loved me you should have told me to stop. The fact that you didn’t scares me.”

  “The fact that we are still together is a testament to how much I love you! That I have been able to work through this with you, to still find you the most amazing woman I have ever met should show you how insanely in love with you I am!”

  “Or just insane,” I mumble. “Jesus, Reid.”

  I pull away and he lets me.

  Time passes as we stand facing each other, hovering over the broken pieces of our marriage and wondering if we can even begin to put it back together again. If my affair doesn’t end us, then surely this knowledge will.

  I think back over the weeks past and judge Reid’s actions when he knew I was at The Nest, and then when he banned me from going, and the argument with James. It all starts fitting together in a sordid jigsaw of our betrayals.

  Then the last piece slots into place.