The Choices We Made

by Lexie James

  Glancing at the bed he decided that as much as anything else, getting into the bed with him was fuelling her fears. The rest of her words finally penetrated his consciousness, and he pulled back slightly from her, so that he could look into her eyes, as he waited for the answer that meant so much to him.

  “It’s been so long since we have? Or since you last?”

  He couldn’t finish his question, the look in her eyes told him all he needed to know, and his heart soared.

  Folding her gently against his body as if she was the most precious thing he had ever held he whispered.

  “Emme we have a lifetime of nights ahead of us. Finally I have you here to hold in my arms after all this time, which is more than I ever thought I deserved. That’s more than enough for us tonight, there’s no need to rush into anything else just yet, I promise you.”

  Tenderly, still holding her close he led her over to the bed. Climbing in beside her, he pulled the cover over them both and cuddled her, keeping her warm and safe, as she continued to weep on his chest. Try as much as she could Emme couldn’t control her sobs.

  Not quite how he had envisaged the end of the evening, he smiled ruefully to himself, but one step at a time, he wasn’t going to run any risks this time, by rushing her. He turned his face so that he could kiss the top of her head inhaling the scent that was such an integral part of her and knowing in the deepest recesses of his heart that he was home.

  Emme lay where she had dreamed of being ever since that fatal morning, finally accepting that they were together again and all would be right with their lives from this moment on.

  Gradually he became aware that she had stopped crying and her fingers were gently stroking his chest. The heat of her touch was playing havoc with his control and the poignancy of the moment, conversely made him want to cry. She raised her head, her hair tantalising his skin with its silkiness. Tentatively, a shy smile began to embrace her face, turning up the corners of her mouth.

  “Tell me what you are thinking.” She whispered, as her fingers began to circle lower.

  His eyes glowing with love he told her. “After what I’ve just promised you, you don’t want to know.”

  He tensed as her fingers circled lower and lower till they found what they were seeking and he began to breathe faster.

  Looking deeply into his eyes she smiled sweetly and asked him. “Is that because of what I’m doing now?”

  He caught her hand stilling it, “Yes so please don’t start what you don’t mean to finish.”

  She shuffled closer to his chest, her leg coming to rest over his thigh and looked at him with love shining brightly in her eyes.

  “Because?” Then, before he could frame a reply, she leant forward and so lightly kissed his lips.

  “Because?” she asked him again, whispering huskily.

  Goaded almost out of control, he gathered her into his embrace, turning them together until he was leaning on top of her. Holding her face gently between his two hands, he gazed with reverence upon every beautiful precious feature of her face, before slowly lowering his own face and tenderly skimming her lips with his own. She sighed softly, a welcome home as his lips touched hers, sliding her hands behind his neck, she twined her fingers in his hair, pulling him closer. From that moment on he was totally and completely lost.

  Finally in the deep of the night, in total accord they finally came home, together.

  The magic had begun again.

  SNEAK PREVIEW: THE SECRETS BENEATH

  CHAPTER ONE

  There is no greater glory than love, nor any greater punishment than jealousy.

  Lope de Vega 1562-1635

  Wednesday 17:35

  Nicholas stood with his hands against the window frame as his dark eyes stared unseeing into the lights of the London streets far below him.

  Worlds of people were moving through their daily routines and somehow it seemed to him that as the lights connected each and every one of them it made him even more aware of how isolated from the rest of the world he had always felt.

  The cold from the glass crept insidiously along his fingertips before stealthily engulfing his arms until it could immerse itself with the block of ice that encased his heart. Finally as they joined all he felt was cold, cold to his very core, frozen in such pain that he doubted if he could ever again feel warm.

  He had honestly hoped that he would never again feel like this, yet here it was, once more hitting him right between the eyes and only serving to remind him of what he had always known, had known forever. The one fact that he had been foolish enough to believe was in his past.

  He was truly unlovable.

  For hadn’t his mother proved that to him as she had left their home, and his father had proved it to him every day since then by always treating him as if he were invisible.

  Then after them there had been Maggie and what she had done to him.

  He vividly remembered the morning that his life had disintegrated. Like a film seared into his childhood memory, he could still hear the raised voices, the screaming; he had sat on the bottom stair beside his brother as Jonathan had held him tight, trying to protect him. His mother had rushed from the library, he vividly remembered that her face was twisted as if in pain. She had looked at them both but it had been Jonathan that she had hugged, she had not even looked at him, nor said a single word. She told Jonathan that she loved him, that she would always love him, holding his face and staring into his eyes she told Jonathan that he was to look after him always.

  At last she looked at him and with the tears streaming down her face she had finally moved closer to him, her hands shaking as she reached out to touch him.

  “Don’t touch him! Leave now before I forget what I have agreed to.” His father’s voice echoed around the hall and his mother dropped her hands back to her side and moved away from him defeated.

  She never spoke to him, never told him she loved him; and then she was gone, forever.

  Wasn’t a mother supposed to love all her children, what had he done to her that she didn’t love him? Why tell Jonathan she loved him and not tell him the same? What was so wrong with him? What terrible mistakes had he committed that had stopped her loving him?

  Whatever it was he had done to her his father must have felt the same, for from that day on his father hardly ever spoke to him, truth to tell he barely seemed to tolerate Nick’s presence in the same room. Thus proving that there was obviously something fundamentally wrong with him.

  He was unlovable.

  Jonathan was always there for him, his family, and his rock and love was what he thought he had found with Maggie, how wrong had he been there. They been friends at school, the three of them, he, Gregg and Maggie, but it was he that she had wanted to kiss, not Gregg, it was he that she had said she wanted to marry. He remembered their wedding day with such clarity now, Maggie’s gentle smile, Gregg’s congratulations, he couldn’t believe that he had been so lucky and she had chosen him over Gregg. She was his friend, his lover and she soothed his long held belief that he was unlovable; for she had wanted him, loved him, and had made a home for them.

  How could it have gone so wrong? She had promised to love him; she had stood beside him in church, before God and all their witnesses and said it. So when the pictures were sent to him anonymously he had felt utterly betrayed. And Gregg, he had stood there too in church, hell he had been his best man, how could they both have betrayed him so completely?

  When he had confronted her she had stood stock-still, a total look of disbelief and shock upon her face, tossing her head as if in denial of it all as he continued to rage at her. Finally she had run out of the room sobbing, shaking and refusing to answer him. The next thing he had heard was the sound of tyres squealing upon the stones of the drive and the front door slamming. He presumed that she must have called Gregg, he recognised the car as he watched the tail lights disappear down the drive at a ridiculously dangerous pace.

  The police had arrived hours later; ther
e had been some black ice on the road. The car had skidded out of control and ploughed down the embankment, neither of them had survived.

  He had never even been given the time to ask her why, what was so loathsome about him that she couldn’t love him.

  After that he had been determined never to risk his heart again, but then…

  Sarah had bowled into his life and knocked his equilibrium sideways, Sarah, of the beautiful eyes and purple hair, sweet, gentle, soft and so very lovable Sarah.

  Because of her he had felt that he had been mistaken, that everything that he had ever felt about himself was wrong. It was possible to be loved, he saw it in her eyes from that very first moment when he had fallen into the depths of those glorious turquoise eyes.

  That love that you read about in romantic stories, which you see in films, the happy ever after type that cynics insist on telling you it is not for real, that it’s just an idiot concept dreamed up by writers trying to sell a story.

  Well they were wrong because it existed, he saw it in her eyes, he knew she saw it in his eyes; that this was their moment to hold on to, forever, for they were meant to be together.

  He had known it, it was there he had felt it, he had tasted it, so why had his life fallen apart again? What had he done that he shouldn’t have done? Damn it, he had been so sure she loved him, as he loved her, so how could she have betrayed him like this?

  At least this time it was Jonathan confronting the woman, he still shuddered at the words he had thrown at Maggie before she had left him and then been driven to her death. No matter what Maggie had done her death was on his conscious forever.

  No he could not have stood and looked and spoken to Sarah and risked such a thing happening again.

  He turned from the window and stood looking over at the table where the evidence of how, yet again, his life as he knew it had exploded into smithereens. He let his mind drift back to an hour ago when he had been…. been what? Happy? Content? He couldn’t even think of the right word to describe the feeling that had coursed through his being when she had answered the phone.

  He had dialled her number the moment he was through the airport willing her to answer quickly; he was desperate to hear her voice again. She had answered on the second ring with a lilt in her voice, and he knew that she was smiling even though he couldn’t see her.

  “Nick, oh no! Please don’t tell me you’re home yet? I wanted to be there first so that I could greet you home properly.”

  Nicholas grinned; he was looking forward to however she intended to welcome him home. Work had taken him to Australia and it had been the longest three weeks apart.

  “Now that sounds eminently promising.” He heard her infectious giggle and his heart lurched, in fact every part of him lurched, three weeks, twenty-one days, five hundred and four hours and he resented every single one of them for keeping him apart from her.

  “But I’m not home yet, I’ve had to stop off at the office; Jonathan says there’s something important he has to talk to me about tonight. You know him, it’s probably nothing that couldn’t wait until the morning but then he’s not married is he? So he can’t understand how much I need to see you.”

  She let out an audible breathe, her voice becoming breathless as she asked him, “How much you need to see me?”

  “Yes, how much I need to see you, I’ve missed you every hour of every day. I am never leaving you alone again ever, ever, again. Next time you come too.”

  “Nick, that’s so romantic, who would have believed that I could pick the one guy that is not too proud to be sloppy, I’ve missed you too every single minute you’ve been away. Our bed is too big when there is only one person in it.”

  Nick swallowed struggling to find his voice as pictures of Sarah naked in their bed invaded his mind, quietly he replied.

  “Well it won’t be big enough tonight.”

  She was silent and he wondered if she had heard him then he heard her sigh. “Oh Nick, you are just so perfect, do you realise that? But we have to talk first, there is something important that I have to tell you.”

  “Sound’s serious; I hope it entails a bottle of champagne and our bedroom.”

  She laughed uncertainly. “Part of it does, but not necessarily for the reasons you think, Nick.”

  He glanced up as the car stopped. “Sweetheart I’m sorry, much as I don’t want to stop talking to you I’ve arrived at the office. The sooner I deal with Jonathan and his supposed problems the sooner I can be home and we can continue this conversation. How about we make a date? Six fifteen? You me, the phones turned off, in our bed, with no clothes and a bottle of champagne. How does that suit you?”

  There was that giggle again “I’ll be there by six o clock. Nick, you do know I love you madly, deeply, forever, don’t you. No matter what I tell you, you’ll never forget that will you?”

  Nickolas smiled even as he felt a stirring of concern for the serious tone that he could hear hovering in the background of her voice.

  “I know you do and I love you too the same, for ever and even more than that. I’ll see you at home.”

  He put the phone in his pocket squashing the flicker of concern that he had felt at her change of tone. After all he knew that she loved him, there was nothing in this world that she could tell him that wouldn’t be trumped by that. Maybe she hadn’t finished all her course work and he would have to keep playing second fiddle to it, but in the grand scheme of things what did it really matter? He was still lucky, lucky to have found her after all the shit life had thrown at him, though truth to be told he still couldn’t work out how it had happened and he had the most beautiful girl in the world in love with him, only him; but he did and they had the rest of their lives to enjoy each other.

  Six o-clock could not come quickly enough for him, trust his brother to have no understanding of the fact that he had been apart from his new wife for too damn long. He should have insisted Jonathan went to Australia instead of him, after all Jonathan was just as capable of opening the new office as he was plus he didn’t have a new wife. Nicholas whistled tunelessly to himself as he entered the elevator and rode it to the twentieth floor.

  He walked into the office, surprised that Chloe wasn’t sitting at her desk, frowning he continued on down the corridor and strode into Jonathan’s office. Jonathan and Chloe were both there and as he walked in Chloe took one look at him and immediately burst into tears.

  “What’s going on?” Nicholas turned to Jonathan in bewilderment to find he looked just as upset as Chloe.

  “Nick I am so sorry.” Jonathan started to speak but Chloe interrupted.

  “Don’t Jonathan, don’t try and take the blame after all it’s all my fault. If only I hadn’t thought I could help, we wouldn’t never have known.”

  “Known what? What on earth has got into the both of you? You’re seriously beginning to freak me out.”

  Jonathan came and clasped him a hug before Nick could stop him.

  “You know I’ve looked out for you all life you’re my brother, I love you, and it’s what big brother’s do. Remember how, just before you left you told me Sarah seemed so preoccupied, you thought the stress of getting her college work together was consuming her every moment. I couldn’t stop thinking about it after you left and when I tried phoning her a couple of times she wasn’t there and Hildy was so vague about where she was or when she would be back. I’m sorry Nick I began to worry, I just kept thinking about Maggie. I didn’t mean to tell Chloe but she knows us both so well she knew I was worried about something. She said she was sure Sarah loved you and I was worrying unnecessarily but to put our minds at rest she knew a guy who could, you know.”

  Jonathan paused uncertainly, looking at Nicholas with both worry and compassion. Knowing there was no way his brother was going to be happy with the notion that Chloe had had someone spy on Sarah and knowing how the outcome of what they had found out would devastate him.

  “You had someone follow Sarah?” Nicholas was incredulou
s, how could they do that?

  “I did it.” Chloe was still sobbing. “I didn’t think there would be anything to find out but, oh Nicholas, I am so very sorry.”

  Nicholas began to feel sick, physically sick and so very cold, this could not be happening to him again, it just couldn’t, he had just spoken to Sarah, she had sounded happy, she told him how much she had missed him, this couldn’t possibly be happening to him, not again.

  Then he remembered with absolute clarity that she said she wanted to tell him something, he had sensed uncertainty, fear? There had been something in her voice that he knew at some level, deep inside of him that had worried him.

  “Just tell me what you’ve found out.” He finally managed to ground out to Jonathan.

  He stood so still he wondered if his heart had actually stopped as his brother emptied out a large envelope onto the table and pictures of Sarah with another man danced before his eyes. Then he felt pain he thought he would never experience again as his gut twisted trying to tear him in half, then he knew he was alive, awake, the nightmare was really happening to him again.

  “I’m sorry Nick but there is more.”

  Jonathan pressed a button on a tape machine.

  “I can’t tell him, not yet, please don’t ask it of me, I’m not ready to face it all.”

  “I know you don’t want to but you have to tell him, you can’t go on like this. You’re living a lie and each day it gets worse, it’s tearing you apart. He needs to know about everything, he needs to know who you are, what you really do, what happened, and most especially he needs to know about us. You can’t keep hiding us, pretending we don’t exist, don’t we deserve more than that?”

  Sarah was crying softly. “I know I can’t go on like this but I’m so scared of owning up, telling him the truth.”

  “Sweetpea I know you are, but I’ll help. You know how much I love you I won’t let you down.”