Who Knew Felix Marr?

by Paul Kelly

  However, even stranger than fiction. .. I bumped into Andy at the railways station where he was with his wife and children., I think they were going off somewhere on a holiday but they did look very happy and I mentioned to him that I hoped to be married in a few months time to Smokey’s sister of all people when Smokey came out of prison and he was delighted to hear the news, suggesting he might be best man at the wedding and adding just as we were parting... that he thought I was gonna be a bachelor for the rest of my life as he knew I had never kissed a girl in all of my life and although we had never discussed my age in prison as I didn’t know it, he guessed by the way I was dressed that I was OVER TWENTY-ONE.

  I knew I was a shy person for all I was a bastard as a youth who did exactly what he wanted to do and told the world to go to hell and maybe worse of all, for all my stupid and evil ways I had never ever kissed a girl or even cuddled one as I consider all that to be crap and very unmanly but now that I was deeply in love with Emily, I could never imagine life without her being close to me and that included cuddles and hugs with kisses and more.

  Life for me was a dream from the moment I knew that Emily truly loved me and that was everything to me. I wanted to shout about my love from the rooftops and in particular to tell all those who knew me before my ‘conversion’ that they would be very welcome to come to my wedding, in particular all the gang members, but it seemed such a long time that I had seen or heard from any of them, that they could still be in existence, but I did so want to go back to Mansfield Road and see for myself if they were all there or if not, perhaps I would be able to contact them elsewhere and then I thought they may all have reached ‘conversion’ themselves, although I doubted very much if this would apply to Angus wherever he was or to Sheba and the girls as I felt they had enjoyed their ‘freedom’ in Mansfield Road so much living rent free and without being involved with paying income tax and then I thought that my anxiety to meet my old ‘friends’ could be a vanity as I no longer felt or wanted to live as they did and All my dreams of ‘manhood’ had been dissolved with my love for Emily and I decided to leave the Mansfield crowd to themselves and wished them All a happy and successful life and that was that... but destiny will run its course and whether I wanted to meet any of my old friends or not, it was destined that I should, when one afternoon, I was ‘accosted’ by a lady of the streets who told me she could let me ‘have it for a fiver. .. and when I stopped to see who was talking, I met none other than Sheba herself, but strangely enough she looked quite different and it was quite a few moments before I recognised her and realized that she was playing a game with me. She was very much better dressed than she had been before, even if the clothes she wore could never be described as ‘stylish’ but her hair was brushed back with a knot of hair sticking up from her skull and she had just a ‘smattering’ of make-up on her face and this is the reason why I had difficulty in recognising her as she used to be very much a ‘painted lady’ and would wear make-up to an extraordinary extreme which she thought at that time was what ladies should do if they were to get anywhere in this world, but we laughed together and she told me that she was engaged to a banker of all people and for a moment I cruelly suspected the worst of her intentions and thought that money was the object of her love, but whether she suspected my suspicions or not, she put her hand in the air and assured me that she was truly in love with this man whom she called Kenneth, but she told me also that they had no intentions of getting married but that she was living with him and that was all they each wanted out of life. I congratulated her and asked about the other two girls who had been in the ‘gang’ but she had lost touch with them and told me that there was none of the gang living at Mansfield Road as that house had been bought by a property developer and they had all scarpered to different places when they realized they had to get out. Of Angus, she knew nothing, but I could see her face change when she mentioned his name and I am sure she spat on the pavement before she smiled again at me and made a sincere apology for her actions which was so completely different to the Sheba I had known. We went on our ways, but when I looked back, I could see much of what I had known of Sheba in the past as her arse had got even bigger and moved from side to side as if she had perfected this action... as ladies did.

  Emily and I spent a lot of time together and we talked a lot about having a nice home of our own where I would be able to do any of the repairs and decorating that might have to be done, but I was also looking around for a possible job as I knew I could never live forever on the money I had received in compensation from the courts which because of the house price and other similar necessities at that time had radically decreased in my bank account which was a new venture to me as I never had any money previous to my prison sentence and I had never ever considered having a bank account with my pennies and shillings and bugger all else. I can well remember when I had first seen a five pound note with the queen looking at me suspiciously as I am sure even she thought I must have stolen the bloody thing a I had never earned it.

  But jobs are and were very ad to find until once more destiny took over and I met Andy again after he had come from holiday. He and his wife and children had only gone for a week to Rothsay and he was just scaffolding down a building as I was walking underneath.

  I dodged the body coming down a ladder and he recognised me straight away and when we got talking, he escorted me into a nearby café for a coffee together as he was on a ten minutes break and I told him I was looking for work and he suggested that he might be able to help me as his boss had been his cousin Freddie, but that Freddie was in New York at that moment as he was interested in a lady who lived out there and whom he had seen on the internet.

  I knew nothing about building, but Smokey had taught me quite a lot about reading and writing and Andy knew there was a job going in the office which he felt sure would please Freddie, who knew me well from our prison sentences together and I gathered hope as I waited for Freddie to return from the USA... if he did return as he could well have stayed on there with his new love from the internet, but I had hopes and when I told Emily what had happened to me after I had met Andy again, she seemed very enthusiastic too and told me that Everard was due to be released from prison in three weeks time and we planned our wedding for a date following that of Everard’s release.

  Emily and I enjoyed many afternoons and evenings together as she was on holiday from her teaching job where she taught infants with English and mathematics and I waited anxiously for Freddie to return from America, which fortunately wasn’t too long a wait and Freddie came home to announce that the lady in America was not the lady he had seen on the internet and therefore the meetings out there were off. The lady he had seen on the screen of his computer was not the lady he met when he arrived in at the New York airline. He went to a hotel where they had arranged to meet and found that the lady whom he had thought to be Catherine was a woman about seventy odd years of age and her name was Matilda. What dreams... and what surprises can await us when we think we are living the life... however when I met Freddie again he was delighted to see me and thrilled when I told him that Emily and I were hoping to be married very soon and that Andy had asked us if he could be best man, but Freddie sniffed when I told him that and asked me what was wrong with him... was he too old or not handsome enough and we had a good laugh at that. Nothing had been arranged as yet about a best man for our wedding and after all, we were waiting for Smokey to come out of prison before we could decide anything like that, but Emily and I had discussed the plans for our wedding as she was a practising Christian and I didn’t believe at all in God, so what were we to do about that? We discussed it and all was overcome with our love for each other. Emily would continue to be a practising Christian and according to her, as this was her judgement and not mine, I would remain a good man and maybe God would understand our love for each other and that was what we decided. Whatever else, we wanted to be together and hoped... and I repeat hoped to have many c
hildren together... although I felt I might have to go to some classes about having kids as I was totally ignorant of what I would have to do in order to bring children into the world as I had been brought into this world in a very strange and totally mysterious way where I didn’t even have a name.

  I went to visit Emily’s home and met her father for the first time after Emily and I had been seeing each other for nearly a month as I feel sure that she wanted to do that in order to be sure that I meant what I said, that I did indeed love her, because by the way that her father greeted me, with such welcoming cordiality it was like I had known him All my life. He was charming and I could tell by the way he addressed me as Felix that we were going to get on well. He insisted I should call him Alfie, short for Alfred and we had dinner at his house and he apologised for the absence of his wife, but I already knew that she had died a few years back, but it seemed that Alfie could never forget his wife and that he regarded her to be still with him and even set an extra place at the table where she would have been sitting. I thought this was a very loving attitude for Alfie to have and I felt that the love he had for his wife was something quite special.

  We discussed plans for the marriage and Alfie smiled every time we spoke of the subject, suggesting that as I was waiting to go into a new home, I might like to stay with him at his house as one of his sons, Adrian was visiting a relative in Cornwall and would be away from the family home for another two weeks, but Already the moving into Somerset Close was finalized and I had access to the house immediately if I wanted it. Together with this good news, Freddie had asked me to accept a job in his company as a progress chaser in the office which meant that I would have a sitting down position, (and I hope that wouldn’t make me fat. .. ) where I would contact customers by phone either to tell them when the building job they required would be done at a certain date or when a job could be done if they were new customers and although I knew I was the most ignorant of educated men, I felt I could do this job with reasonable satisfaction for Freddie and he was sure I was the right man for the job, but only time would tell and I rolled up my sleeves and set about the work with enthusiasm knowing that I didn’t deserve any of the good things that were happening in my life, but thankful to whoever was in Emily’s kingdom up above somewhere hoping and wishing that he or she might take me under his or her wing from now on.

  Chapter Eleven

  Smokey was released from prison on October 12th and that was a Saturday, so Emily and I joined her father Alfie and his son Adrian to greet Smokey, whom we now had to refer to his own origin name given to him by Alfie and his wife... the name of Evererad, with a lovely meal at a top restaurant to welcome him back into ‘reality’ He didn’t look any different to me, except that his cheeks seemed to be a little bit fuller, but I thought he looked about the best looking of his other brothers although you could never ever say any of them were ugly. I had still to meet the brother Adrian when he returned from his visit to Cornwall, but the evening went off well and we had champagne to follow the meal.

  Everard told me that there were several more prisoners in the prison since I had been there, but none of them had made any contact with him and he wasn’t exactly thrilled that they didn’t take to him as apart from one younger man, the rest were a pain in the butt. I told him of my meeting with Sheba and although he had never met her, he knew who I was talking about and we laughed heartily when I told him of her new appearance and lifestyle, but that her arse was twice the size as it was when she lived at Mansfield Road.

  Emily heard us laughing and came into our conversation where she mentioned the fact that her brother’s disastrous association with Anna had resulted in the former model getting herself pregnant TWICE and that she too had an arse like an elephant. Everard asked Emily if Anna had married now that she was a mother, but Emily sighed and looked to the ceiling and Everard knew the answer to his question by his sister’s silent reply.

  When dinner was over and we were All leaving the restaurant to go home, I stayed at Emily’s place as the house at Somerset Close was still without some furniture and I had arranged for everything to be suitable for living in by the following Thursday and that meant I could stay at Alfie’s house for a few more days. Together with this, Emily and I had arranged to get married in two week’s time in a Registry Office as Emily was a Christian but I was not quite an aethiest, having a great respect for Emily’s religion and my ‘wavering’ love of God and this seemed to be the best plan according to Alfie, Emily’s father, who knew that we were very much in love and that a union of any kind seemed to be suitable to everyone in the family.

  I moved into the house at 15 Somerset Close on the Thursday before the wedding on the following Saturday and got everything prepared for the great day with the best furniture and accessories I could find, with a very suitable double bed in the large bedroom and Everard had agreed to be our best man, while Freddie and Andy insisted that they would be at the wedding, just to hold me up... and Emily and I became man and wife on Saturday October 26th 1968 Emily was twenty seven years of age and I was twenty five. She looked beautiful in her white wedding dress and her extra long veil that was spread out for about a yard behind her as she walked and her father had told me that every good Scotsman was married in the kilt and that was what was done. I hired a kilt and all the bits that went with it from a firm that sold hired attire for weddings and Emily was surprised when she came down the aisle to meet me but she was also very pleased and thought I looked ‘dashing’. That was an expression I had never heard before and certainly not one that I would have attributed to myself, but I was pleased. Well who wouldn’t be? I would hardly say I had the legs for a kilt, but when I looked around at the other kilted gentlemen, I thought I didn’t look so bad... as long as I kept looking ahead... but when I reflected on how long it had taken me to get dressed for the wedding where as I was to look just like a Scotsman should look, it was nearly two hours... and yet it took me only five minutes to get the bloody stuff off.

  Chapter Twelve

  We spent the next two weeks in Edinburgh as my court money had run out although I was now working and having a normal salary but I could never have afforded a honeymoon abroad as we had both hoped for... well, I did, but Emily was more understanding of the situation and was pleased and happy wherever we went, so Edinburgh it was. Freddie had given us a very substantial amount of money as a wedding present as he thought that would be better than giving us flowers or anything like that and we were very grateful. Together with this we had been given several lovely and appropriate presents from the family and very fortunately for us too, the weather was wonderful for the two week’s that we were in Edinburgh which was very surprising for the normal weather of Bonnie Scotland.

  We spent our time eating out and going to the cinemas and theatres of Scotland’s capital and spent many a happy hour wandering around the castle, feeling very tired by the time we got back to our hotel and went to bed with dreams of a happy future together.

  I had never understood the meaning of the word ‘honeymoon’ until I experienced a honeymoon myself and I thought it was wonderful to have such a relaxing holiday and not just on your own as I had previously known, but with the one you love. The one person who means EVERYTHING to you and who loved you so completely. It is hard to comprehend for me as my youth had been nothing but SELF when everything was concentrated on ME. I felt ashamed when I reflected on these times and then when I thought again about the prison, I had more remorse of conscience. With my life as it was now to what I had been in the past was a total contradiction and I hated what I had been and hoped with all my heart that Emily would not ever ask me to tell her about my past. I think she must have known quite a bit about that as she had been in touch with her brother Everard when he was in prison, but what Everard or Smokey as I knew him did to deserve his prison sentence was nothing at all like mine. Rape was rape and that was serious enough, but MURDER... That was the ultimate and the guilt of t
hat crime in the post office will be with me until the day I die. I often would think about Mrs. Madden and what her family must have gone through... if she had a family. I knew nothing about her and being the ignorant bastard that I am I didn’t even bother to find out if she had left someone grieving or not. The only very little consolation I could have was to consider that both Smokey and I did not actually commit those crimes, but records today and forever would say that we did. I was having this thought about my wicked past when Freddie came up to the desk where I was sitting, awaiting another call about someone who wanted to change the date of the builders coming to their house and he asked me how I was getting on and was I happy with the job. Well, of course I was happy. I had never ever had a job like this as a ‘progress chaser’ and I didn’t even know what that term meant until Freddie explained about it to me and I felt quite confident I would be able to do the work that was required, but I had never had a ‘paying’ job before and I knew nothing about the tax I would have to pay and Freddie explained all that to me and told me that I would soon be moving into an office on my own as this was a particular post that he had just recently made and he had arranged for a desk and chair etc. to be put into this little office, just situated off the main large office where I would have my own phone and filing cabinet with which to do the job, BUT I knew bugger all about computers and that was something Freddie would have to show me when he had more time, but for the time being I was content and happy to know that my new job absorbed me so much that it took away many of the bad memories of the past. It was such a new thing for me to work from nine to five and my hours corresponded greatly with Emily’s as she left school every day at four o clock, but it gave her time to get something ready for dinner for both of us and as weren’t great eaters, she found that a very simple task which she also enjoyed doing.