The Swap

by Megan Shull

Jett shakes his head, letting out a smile. “Captain’s not here, bud. He left for work.”

  “Are you sure?” I ask.

  “Dude, you’re my little brother,” Jett says, his eyes fixed on me. Reaching out his hand, he pulls me to my feet. “I’ll always look out for you. I love you, man.”

  52

  JACK

  AT HOME, I SMELL LIKE lake.

  “Honey,” Summer calls up to me from the bottom of the stairs.

  I look down, waiting by the banister until I see her face.

  “You should really wash off.” She laughs and wrinkles up her nose. “I need to too. We both smell like—”

  “Slimy lake weeds,” I finish, and laugh, picking a stringy green vine off my leg.

  “Make sure to really wash your hair well,” she tells me. “Oh, I bought you some conditioner at Devon’s. It’s in my bathroom. Go ahead and use my tub, hon. Take a nice bath.”

  A bath.

  “Okay,” I say with a shrug and a grin. Twist my arm!

  When I step into Summer’s bright, sunny bathroom, my eyes kind of pop. It’s, like, entirely white and really, really clean. Calming. And the tub? The tub is massive! I could fit three of me in here and there’d still be room.

  It takes me a little bit to get it all dialed in: figure out the fancy faucet, holding my hand under the water till it’s hot, stripping down to Elle’s sun-crusted, lake-smelling underwear and bra. Waiting, watching the water slowly rise. Last, before I climb in, I pick up one of Summer’s seven bottles nestled in the corner on the white tiles: “‘Love Bomb Bubble Bath, pure spruce essential oil,’” I read aloud, shrug, and quietly laugh. What the heck! I dump it right in. And bam! Bubbles! Instantly the air is filled with the most soothing scent, clearing my nose as I breathe it in. It smells like orange peels, plus Christmas.

  I finally shut off the water and test the temperature with my toe, easing my body in nice and slow until I’m sitting like a king, surrounded by Christmas tree–scented bubbles! The water feels so good, so warm. I would never have imagined three days ago that I’d be here, soaking in a hot bath underneath a skylight. I look up through the window at the dusty blue sky, the afternoon sun. Only Summer would think of putting a window above the bathtub, right? I laugh. Awesome.

  I lather up with the bar of soap and breathe it in too. It’s like some sort of flowery goodness. Potent.

  Okay, I’ll just say it. It smells like—

  Girl.

  I smile, lean back, and rest my head against the edge of the tub. The water is up to my chin. I’m, like, smiling ear to ear. I mean, c’mon, man! Can you see me! In my bra, my girlie flowered undies. I’ve become totally soft. As Stryker would say, “Butter.” And you know what? I shake my head and laugh. It’s weird, but whatever, man, I’m honestly okay with that. I learned a lot from Elle.

  I play over the last three days in my mind—starting with the fight, Porter, the nurse, seeing Elle crying that first time. I think it’s safe to say I’ve changed. We both have. It’s crazy. Nothing has turned out the way I thought. I literally did not know how hard it was to be a girl. Seriously. It’s not easy, it’s harder than it looks!

  I relax and close my eyes, and I feel this deep peace wash over me, like—somehow, everything that has happened was meant to be, and for the first time in a long time, I’m not scared, I’m not afraid. I dunk under, feel the water glide over my skin, the tingle of the heat. And as I hold my breath, smiling, under a thousand white magical bubbles—out of nowhere I feel this energy rumble through my body from my toes right through my chest. This big surge. It feels totally weird, but it feels totally good! And look, the lights don’t flicker. There is no sonic BOOM! But the next thing I know, I’m—

  Shooting up out of the water and it’s—

  Freezing frickin’ cold!

  It’s like something out of a movie, the way I come up for air, my mouth open, water splashing, spitting out water. This rush of adrenaline shoots through my heart and I look wide-eyed all around.

  “It’s so friggin’ COLD!” tumbles out of my mouth. It only takes a second for my eyes to focus, my head to adjust—I’m standing in a garbage pail full of ice! I look right down the line, Jett, Gunner, Stryker, standing in ice baths, chest deep—

  “It will get better, balls out, big guy!” says Jett, overcome with laughter.

  “Settle down, Nancy,” Gunner says, shaking his head, grinning.

  “Easy, Butter,” chirps Stryker from the very end.

  I can’t get over the sight of my brothers—each of them bare chested, ice up to their nipples! I’m back! I’m back! I can’t stop smiling. I don’t even care how cold it is! I don’t even care how the heck it happened.

  “WOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOO!!!” I throw my head back and let out the biggest yell. “I’m back, man! I’m back!” I say, splashing the icy water with my hands.

  “Holy smokes, dude, settle down!” Jett looks at me, smiling, “You okay over there, big guy?”

  My heart is racing and I have to dunk under the water again to calm myself down. I plunge under. I count to three. Then I whip back up, opening my eyes, and yes! I’m still here. I’m back in my body, smiling this big goofy smile. I feel up around my neck and grip my mom’s pendant—the one we all wear. I hold it up to my cold, quivering lips and kiss it. And I know, I’m back. It’s real! The looks on my brother’s faces, their reactions looking at me are pretty funny too. You can probably guess. Jett catches my eye, smiling, shaking his head. “You’re crazy, kid,” he says with a laugh.

  Yeah, I think, smiling and sinking down into the water. You have no idea.

  After a few minutes, the ice works to calm me down. My heart returns to a normal thump. I just relax. I don’t fight the cold. I picture Elle, laughing, back in my hot bath. For a few minutes it’s real quiet; the four of us just sit. It doesn’t really get better than this. Four brothers. Like I said, we all have the same dream.

  Gunner breaks the silence. He’s looking square at me. “Took a lot of courage to do what you did.”

  My stomach kind of flutters. Do I want to even ask? I brace myself and look back. “Uhhh, yeah, what do you mean?”

  Gunner’s eyebrows raise. “After hockey, dude?”

  Elle went to hockey! My heart starts to race. I bite my lip.

  Gunner shrugs both his shoulders, gives me a nod. “Maybe you don’t want to rehash it. That’s cool. Couldn’t have been easy though, bro. I’d be lying if I said I haven’t wanted to say pretty much exactly what you said.”

  It’s kind of quiet for a minute, then—

  I can’t take it. “Uh, what’d I say?”

  Jett laughs, “Bro, stop playin’. You okay?”

  I mix in a grin, I keep my mouth shut. I swallow hard and brace myself.

  “Dude,” Gunner goes on, “I wish I had said what you said. I watched you in the kitchen, man. You told him how you felt.”

  Gulp. I’m pretty sure I know the him they’re talking about.

  Gunner winks. “You’re the youngest and the strongest, man. I’m proud of you, bud.”

  Whatever Elle said, the boys seem impressed.

  Stryker nods, then kind of laughs. “Just let The Captain cool off more before you have to face him. Go to bed early, before he gets back.”

  “Okay,” I say, and nod.

  Jett locks eyes on me. “I’m sure it was hard to hear, man, but I don’t know. I think he respected it.”

  I can’t even imagine what Elle said. I’m kind of proud of her, and also a little bit nervous. Talking back to The Captain? Nobody does that. Man. I can pretty much kiss hockey good-bye. I forgot to write my goals down last night. I didn’t do my push-ups or my sit-ups. I didn’t say the prayer.

  I take a deep breath and look at my brothers. I love them so much. And I’m here, I’m back. I feel like I got a second chance. I sink down into the icy water as far as I can, all the way up to my neck. I let Summer’s voice run through my head—“It’ll be okay, things are going to get be
tter.” I think that should be my new mantra.

  Jett’s voice snaps me back. “Just be prepared, bud. Captain’s probably going to come down hard on you tomorrow when he picks you up at school.”

  I just nod. I bite on my lip.

  Jett’s eyes brighten. “It is what it is, and you gotta deal with it when it comes, bro. He’s gonna be heated.”

  “Yeah.” I exhale.

  Jett reaches out and rubs my prickly, wet head. “The only way to go through anything is to go right through it, little man.” He winks and gives me the softest smile. “It’ll be okay, bro. I’ll be right there with you.”

  53

  ELLE

  YES. YOU COULD SAY I am in a state of shock! One second I’m soaking chest deep in our ice-recovery garbage pail, and the next? I’m all of the sudden up to my chin in hot water, immersed in a gazillion sudsy white Christmas tree–smelling bubbles!

  “Oh my gosh!” I say it aloud. I’m pretty sure I look like a cartoon, the way my eyes pop out of my head, the way I frisk my own body with my hands, checking to make sure I’m me again! “Oh my gosh!” I practically yell. I’m laughing, like, loudly, when I figure it out. The fact is, I’m wearing underwear and my little white bra in the tub! So just like Jack. Always the gentleman, I think, shaking my head, smiling. Yep. I’m squealing, I’m splashing!

  “Honey? Ellie, honey?” I hear my mom outside the door. “What’s going on? Is everything okay in there?”

  “Everything is SO great! Mom, I love you!” I exclaim, much too loudly. I feel this rush of relief when I hear her voice. When I picture her smiling behind the door.

  “Well, good,” my mom calls back. “I love you, too, and I’m glad you’re enjoying yourself in there!”

  “I am!” I sing, smiling ear to ear. Still in the tub, I wiggle out of my bra and I’m-not-even-gonna-ask mud-streaked underwear, and I toss them out of the tub onto the tile floor. I lean back and, with my toes, turn on the water—hot—and let it run until I feel the heat tingle all the way through my body, up to my chest. Then I soak, exactly like that.

  I think about Jack. I think about the boys. I can just picture how happy he is to be back with them. Joking and laughing in the backyard in the sun.

  I’m glad I left his boxers on! Ha!

  “Unreal,” I whisper into the bubbles, and go all the way under. When I pop back up, my heart kind of pangs. Like, am I really back? I feel up around my head, my long wet hair. Still me. Still here. I smile and breathe it all in. So much has happened. So much has changed. I feel like I have a new start. A new chance. It’s like, I’m me, but I kind of feel, I guess—

  Stronger.

  I rest my head on the edge of the tub and close my eyes, and I just soak and think about how happy I am. How excited I am for school, for everything! I open my eyes.

  “Mom!” I yell.

  There’s quiet for a while.

  “Mom!!!” I repeat.

  “Honey?” I finally hear.

  “Come on in!” I tell her. My entire body is submerged under the bubbles. Just my face is popping out.

  The door opens, and god, I’m so happy when I see my mom’s eyes, her face, her awesome smile.

  She puts the toilet seat cover down and sits on the edge. “What’s gotten into you, hon? You’re full of energy, huh? Feeling better?”

  I look back at her with the biggest, brightest smile. Half of me wants to jump out of the tub soaking wet and hug her so tight. But I stay right where I am. I take a deep breath. “Mom, I just wanted to tell you . . .”

  She sits, just smiling, waiting, her eyebrows arched. “Yes?”

  “You’re seriously the best mom in the world. Don’t ever leave me, okay?”

  “Oh, honey pie,” she tells me, looking down. “I’m your mom. You’re stuck with me.” She laughs. “I’m all yours. I’m not going anyplace.”

  After my mom goes back downstairs, I stay in the bath until every inch of me is wrinkled and clean and soft. I wrap the big, cushy white towel around my naked body. When I enter my room? My jaw actually drops.

  “Whoa!” I say, walking in. Then—“Jack.” I laugh.

  The entire room is absolutely picture-perfect. My bed is made, my teddy bear perched happily on the pillows. I scan the walls. Everything’s put away. I open my closet and stare at the shirts—coordinated by color and all pointing just so, in the same direction. I find my pajamas, neatly folded, and head back to the bathroom. For the first time in my life, I actually carefully hang up the towel. Then I stare at myself—my real self—in the mirror. I’ve never been so happy to see my own reflection. I lift my hand up to my face and run my fingers over my cheeks. My freckles! I smile at myself. It’s weird, but I think you can understand my excitement. I brush my hair, and I leave it down. I quietly look in the mirror for the longest time. I don’t mean this in a way that’s like, stuck-up or conceited, but I actually feel really kind of pretty. I take a deep breath and slip into my clean undies—and . . .

  “Mom!” I shout. I shout at the top of my lungs. “Mom!!!” I am half laughing, half crying.

  My mom bolts upstairs. “Honey, what in the world is going on—”

  I don’t have to say a word. My mom is so awesome. She’s not embarrassing or dramatic. It’s crazy, but it’s not at all awkward. She just takes one look at my face and glances down.

  “Oh, honey,” she says, smiling. She’s almost laughing too. “This has been a weekend to remember.” She walks over to her cabinet and takes out some, um, products. She hands me a cottony pad. “Just take off the sticker off and—”

  “I know,” I cut her off. “I mean, thanks.” I smile. Okay, I’m a little bit embarrassed, but also feeling so lucky. Not because I got. You know. That. More because my mom, she’s—

  I throw my arms around her waist. I do. Standing there in my underwear, in front of the sink, in her big, white bathroom.

  “I love you so much,” I say into her chest. I hug her so hard. I let the tears kind of flow. I don’t hold them back.

  My mom just holds me. She doesn’t even have to talk. But after ten seconds or so, I feel her familiar kiss on the side of my head.

  “I love you too, honey. So, so much.”

  54

  JACK

  MONDAY MORNING I’M THE FIRST one up, bed made, ready. Racing to the mountain, I’m up front, right behind Jett. Gunner’s behind me, then Stryker. We run in a pretty tight pack.

  “That’s it, bud!” Jett says as we sprint up, up, up, in the early morning shadows. I feel this superhuman energy. I’m even stronger than I was before. It’s like, I’m back and I’m better, lighter. I’ve accepted the fact that The Captain is probably going to punish me from now until forever. I’ve already pretty much given up on being allowed to play in my first game tonight. I won’t see The Captain until he picks me up after school. I’m not expecting a miracle. I’ve prepared myself. From the sound of it, it’s probably good I don’t see him yet. Let him cool off.

  I beat the boys, all of them. It’s a full-on jockeying for position, elbows and all. I go all out the last ten seconds, blow past them.

  “Got it!” I shout, my hand lunging to be the first to touch the rock, broad smile.

  “Not so fast, little man,” Jett says, laughing, grabbing me by my hoodie and yanking me back. Dude’s a tank, he’s strong. He easily pulls me back from the rock, throws me down on the ground. I look up at all three of them laughing, the morning sun behind us turning the sky a pinkish orange. And I’m thinking, I can’t complain. I’m lucky. They’re tough—they bring out my greatness. I don’t let it faze me. I just jump back up. I stand with them, right there in front of Jett and Gunner. Stryker’s on the end. Jett plants both his hands on my shoulders, and the four of us catch our breath for a few long seconds, looking out at the view as the morning light rises. I still feel it. The peace I came back with. The gratefulness. The calm I felt with Summer—I took it back with me.

  “Dude! Look at that hawk!” Gunner exclaims, breaking
the silence.

  I look up at the orange sky. “Where?” I breathe.

  Only the next thing I know, my sweats and my boxers are ripped down, bunched around my ankles.

  “Got ’em!” Gunner hollers. The three of them take off laughing, leaving me standing alone, shaking my head, bare butt, straight up smiling.

  I can hear their voices echoing through the morning air, taunting me.

  “Figure it out, bud, get gritty!” shouts Jett.

  “C’mon, big guy!” Gunner yells. “Let’s see how it goes!”

  “Let’s go, Jackie Chan!” Stryker calls out. “Run somebody, bro!”

  I take my time, I don’t freak out. I pull up my boxers, my sweats. This time I tie a tight double knot. And when I take off down the mountain, I push the pace, sweating, smiling. It only takes me a few minutes. I catch up.

  After, we hit The Cage and lift. I shower and dress in my favorite broken-in jeans—Jett’s hand-me-downs—and my black Bruins hoodie. It smells like hockey.

  Breakfast is a feast. Stryker’s this morning’s chef. He cooks us each a made-to-order omelet, and Jett is a ninja with the blender, mixing up a batch of The Captain’s famous protein shake: seven raw eggs, extra spinach, and bananas. The boys all watch me as I dig in, shovel it into my mouth.

  “Dude, slow down.” Jett grins.

  “Little man’s got a growth spurt.” Gunner laughs.

  Stryker pours half his green protein smoothie into my empty glass, burps loudly, blows it in my face, and stands. “Jackie Chan’s probably growing hair down there, if you know what I mean, boys.”

  Jett shakes his head. “Dude, c’mon, man, I’m eating. I don’t want to talk about hairy nuts.”

  I keep my mouth shut, but I just watch them. Secretly? I’m loving every second.

  When I get on the bus, Owen and Sammy practically make me deaf, talking in both ears. They have entirely different concerns. Sammy is obsessed with the fact that I “got some lip action” on the playground.

  “Dude, I thought about it all weekend. I could not think of someone more perfect than Ellie O’Brien, red-haired rocket. I hear she’s sick at soccer.”