If You Can't Stand the Heat...

by Joss Wood

  It was her fault. She’d allowed them their freedom. But enough was enough. She was done, and if they didn’t step up she’d collapse under the weight and Pari’s would come crashing down.

  She would not let that happen.

  Ellie opened her eyes and as she did so took a step towards Merri, grabbed her wrist and pulled her across the bakery to her table.

  ‘What is wrong with you?’ Merri demanded when they reached Jack, rubbing at her wrist in irritation.

  ‘You! You are what is wrong with me!’ Ellie snapped back, and then she pointed her finger to her mum, on the other side of the world. ‘And you! Both of you are going to listen to me!’

  Jack cocked his head and stepped back. Clever man, Ellie thought. Get out of the area about to be firebombed.

  ‘You first.’ Ellie looked at Merri. ‘You either work here or you don’t. You aren’t allowed to walk into my bakery if you don’t and do quality control.’

  ‘I was just...’ Merri’s words trailed off.

  Huh...Ellie thought. My scary face is actually scary! She steeled herself to say what she needed to. ‘I love you, Merri, and I desperately want you to come back to work. Next week is the beginning of a new month. Either get your ass back to work on that day or get fired. Have I made myself clear?’

  ‘Ellie, let’s talk about this,’ Merri replied, in her most persuasive voice.

  ‘We’re not talking about anything! That’s the way it is. Be here or don’t bother coming back.’ Ellie held her stare until Merri turned away and flounced off.

  Round Two, Ellie thought, and looked down at her mum. This next conversation would be just as hard, if not harder. She bit her lip and looked for the words. ‘Mum, I know that I told you to take this time to travel, to live your dream, but I’m yanking you back. I need you here. I cannot do this alone.’

  Ashnee looked at her for a long time and Ellie held her breath. What if she said no? Refused to give up her travelling? What would she do then? Ellie felt panic rise up in her throat at her mum’s long silence. Just when she didn’t think she could stand it any more Ashnee’s huge smile filled the screen.

  ‘Oh, thank God!’

  Ellie blinked once, shook her head and blinked again. What was she so excited about?

  ‘I didn’t think I could stand another minute!’ Ashnee cried. ‘I’ve been desperate to come home! I’m sick of the heat and the crowds.’

  ‘But... But...’ Ellie looked at Jack, who was quietly laughing, obviously enjoying every minute of this drama. ‘I don’t understand.’

  ‘Me neither!’ Ashnee said cheerfully, dropping her bare feet to the floor. ‘All I know is that I’m catching the first plane I can. Which might take a couple of days, since I’m somewhere near nowhere.’

  Ellie sat down on her chair and looked bemused. ‘Okay. Good. This is a bit overwhelming.’

  ‘Love you, baby girl!’ Ashnee blew her a kiss. ‘I’ll e-mail you as soon as I have some flight deets.’

  And with a wink and a grin her mum was gone.

  Ellie stared at the screen for a moment longer before looking up and around. Her mum was gone and Merri was nowhere to be seen. She rubbed her hands over her face, feeling slightly sick at her actions and her words. The impulse to go after Merri was overwhelming...what if she didn’t come back? Ellie half stood and felt Jack’s strong hand pushing her back into the chair.

  ‘Don’t you dare go running after her.’

  Ellie looked up into Jack’s laughing eyes and hauled in a deep breath. ‘What have I done?’ she whispered.

  ‘Something you should’ve done ages ago,’ Jack replied. He hooked a friendly arm around her neck and chuckled. ‘And I have to say...when you finally decide to kick ass you don’t take any prisoners.’

  * * *

  A few evenings later Jack wandered into the kitchen as Ellie took a plastic container from the fridge and placed it on the counter. After kissing her hello and getting a lukewarm response he sent her a keen look, trying to work out what was wrong—or more wrong than usual. He knew that she was super-stressed at work, and he suspected that their undefined relationship added another layer of tension to her.

  They were reaching a tipping point, he realised. Soon one of them would have to fish or cut bait.

  Leaning his forearms on the counter, he peered through the clear lid at tuna steaks covered in a sticky-looking marinade. In the past couple of weeks he’d had more home-cooked meals than he’d eaten since he left home, and fresh fish, properly done, was a treat he never tired of.

  Ellie rolled her head and he knew that the knots in her neck were super-tight. ‘Spit it out, El. What’s wrong?’

  ‘Apart from the normal?’ Ellie tipped her head back and looked at the ceiling. ‘Horrible day.’

  ‘What happened?’

  Ellie placed a strange vegetable on the wooden board and removed a sharp knife from the block of knives close by. He didn’t recognise the vegetable and wrinkled his nose.

  ‘Bok choy cabbage. It’s good for you,’ Ellie stated.

  ‘If you say so. Your day?’

  Ellie tossed the cabbage into a frying pan. ‘Psycho bride, late deliveries, flood in the upstairs toilet. Samantha wrenched her ankle. Elias is sick.’ Ellie took a huge sip of the wine he handed her and sighed with pleasure. ‘I need this.’

  Ellie pushed a tendril of hair back from her face as she heated another pan for the tuna. Working quickly and competently, she took the tuna steaks to the stove and tossed them into the hot pan. ‘Will you get some spring onions out of the fridge, please?’

  The steaks sizzled and the room was filled with the fragrant aromas of soy sauce, ginger and garlic. Grabbing his own knife, Jack sliced up the spring onions and asked her where she wanted them.

  ‘In the pan with the bok choy,’ Ellie replied. ‘Can you get plates?’

  Jack handed her the plates as directed. ‘Did you manage to get to chat to your mum about the new premises at all?’

  Ellie rubbed her eye with her wrist. ‘I took her to see the place and showed her the plans that James the architect drew up. She likes it—likes the building, the plans. I’m not quite sure if it’s the travelling or the jet lag or her spiritual journey, but she shrugged off the issue of me not having enough money in my trust fund to buy the building at Mrs H’s price and do the renovations, insisting that it’ll all work out.’

  Ashnee had smiled, hugged her and told her that she just had to have faith—a commodity Ellie had run out of a long time ago.

  She was also on the brink of losing her mind, and her life was a pie chart of confusion. The segment labelled ‘Jack’ was particularly large. Ellie looked at him, sitting at the kitchen table, savouring his wine, his long legs stretched out and his bare foot tickling a dog’s neck. She knew that she had only days, maybe hours left with him, and every time she tried to envisage life without Jack in it, her breath hitched in her throat.

  She’d never felt fear like this before... What she felt for him terrified her... This was true fear, being confronted with a life without Jack in it. He was only ever supposed to be a fling...when had he turned into someone so damn important? Someone she thought she was in love with?

  Thought? Bah! Someone she was horribly, unconditionally, categorically in love with. Dammit...he had her heart in his hands and she knew that when he left he’d drop-kick it over a cliff. It was going to hurt like hell.

  Ellie shoved her fist into her sternum and hoped like hell that she was confusing what she was feeling with indigestion. Well, she could always hope...

  Ellie quickly plated the tuna steaks and sprinkled sesame seeds over the bok choy before putting them onto the plates.

  She gestured to his plate. ‘Eat. It’s getting cold.’

  Jack, looking thoroughly healthy and relaxed, eagerly took her advice and concentrated on his supper, which he ploughed through. He caught her look of amazement at his empty plate. She was barely halfway through hers.

  ‘Hungry?’

>   ‘For food like that? Always.’ Jack stood up and helped himself to the last piece of tuna steak and the other half of the bok choy cabbage.

  ‘By the way, your mum phoned the bakery today, looking for you.’

  Jack lifted his head and frowned. ‘What? Why?’ He picked up his mobile and shook his head. ‘My mobile has a signal. What did she want?’

  Ellie smiled. ‘That’s the odd thing...nothing, really. We had a perfectly pleasant chat about the bakery and what I do and...’

  ‘And she was sussing you out. I told her I was staying with you.’ Jack leaned back in his chair and sighed, frustrated. ‘Sorry—only child, doubly over-protective mother because I was so sick for so long. She nursed me through it all and can’t quite cut the apron strings.’

  ‘I enjoyed chatting to her. Luckily I can talk and ice at the same time, because it was a long call. She said to remind you about Brent’s memorial service. He’s the donor of your heart, isn’t he?’

  ‘Mmm. He died when he was seventeen. It’s been seventeen years...’

  ‘Your mum said to let his family know if you can go. She said that they’d understand if you were on assignment.’

  ‘That’s code for we’d rather not have you there,’ Jack sighed. ‘It’s a gracious invite, but I suspect that seeing me would be incredibly difficult for them. I imagine they’d feel guilty for wishing he was alive and not me. I feel guilty for being alive...’

  ‘Oh, Jack.’ Ellie rested her chin on her fist. ‘Survivor’s guilt?’

  ‘Yeah. Are you going to say something pithy about me not needing to feel that?’

  ‘I wouldn’t dare. How could I, not having walked in your shoes?’ Ellie toyed with her fork. ‘So, are you going to go?’

  Jack’s eyes flickered with pain. ‘I really don’t know. But I do know that I have to be back at work some time next week.’

  ‘Ah.’ Ellie felt a knife-point deep in her heart. So he’d be gone within the week? Her heart stuttered and faltered and felt as if it would crumble. She had only days more with him. Days to make enough memories to last her a lifetime.

  ‘El, don’t look at me like that.’

  ‘Like what?’

  ‘Like you wouldn’t say no if I took you right now,’ Jack replied.

  Ellie cocked her head, pretending to think as heat spread into her womb. She had such limited time to make memories that would have to last her a lifetime so she figured she might as well start immediately. ‘I wouldn’t say no.’

  Jack’s eyes widened and Ellie laughed at his shocked face.

  ‘You’re joking,’ he said, his voice laced with disappointment.

  Ellie fiddled with the edge of her top and sent him a slow smile. ‘What if I’m not?’

  Jack’s fork clattered to his plate. ‘I think my heart just stopped.’

  He lifted his hand, leaned across the table and, as per usual, pushed back a strand of hair behind her ear. Ellie shivered as his finger rubbed the sensitive spot there and trailed down her neck.

  ‘No going back, Ellie. Right here, right now,’ Jack muttered, his eyes on her mouth.

  Ellie leaned back in her chair and grinned at him as she pulled her tank top over her head to reveal a white, semi-transparent lacy bra.

  Jack clutched his chest. ‘Heart attack imminent.’

  She stood up and walked around the table, standing in front of him while she undid the button that held her soft wraparound skirt together.

  ‘Well, I will slap you later for joking about that—right after I’ve had my way with you.’

  Jack’s eyes dropped as the skirt fell to a frothy puddle on the floor, showing her amazing long legs and the smallest scrap of white lace. Placing his hands on her hips, he turned her around. His finger traced the line of her underwear.

  ‘Good God, I’m a goner,’ he muttered, placing his mouth on the sensitive dip where her spine met her bottom.

  ‘No, but you will be,’ Ellie promised as she turned back. She gave him an impish look. ‘Are you game to see how much this table can actually take?’

  * * *

  ‘Next week’ was here. Despite her not wanting it to, it had crept stealthily and inexorably closer and had finally arrived. Despite her every effort Ellie had not been able to hold back time, and Jack was booked on a flight to London later that morning.

  It was time to face reality, pay the piper, face the music, bite the bullet...to stop using stupid idioms.

  Jack’s clothes were on her bed, his toiletries were in a bag and not on her bathroom shelves, and he was preparing to walk out of her life. Ellie sat on the edge of her bed, sipping a cup of coffee she couldn’t taste and wondering what to say, how to act.

  It was D-day and she knew that she would have to break through the uneasy silence or else choke on the words that she needed to verbalise. Because if she didn’t she was certain she’d regret her silence for ever.

  He was too important, too crucial to her happiness for her to let him waltz away without discussing what he meant to her, what she thought they had. Courage, she reminded herself, was not an absence of fear but acting despite that fear.

  She had to do this—no matter how scary it was, how confrontational it could become, he was worth it. She was worth it. They were worth it.

  Too bad that her knees were knocking together and her teeth were chattering. She’d practised this, she reminded herself—had spent the past few nights lying awake, holding him, while the words she wanted to say ran through her head.

  All she could remember of those carefully practised phrases was: I’m in love with you and Please don’t leave me.

  Ellie put her coffee cup down on the floor next to her feet and crossed her legs. She sat on her hands so that he wouldn’t see how much she was shaking.

  ‘Jack...’

  Jack looked at her and she sighed at his guarded expression. ‘Mmm?’

  ‘Where to from here?’ Ellie asked. She winced, hearing the way that the words ran into each other as she launched them out of her mouth.

  She saw him tense, caught his jaw hardening. He picked up a pile of shirts and shoved them into his rucksack. ‘Between you and I? Ellie, I’m coming back. I mean, I’d like to come back between assignments. To you.’

  Well, that was better than him saying goodbye for ever, but it wasn’t quite enough. Ellie sucked in her bottom lip. ‘Why?’

  Jack’s eyes flashed in irritation. She could see that he’d been hoping to avoid this conversation. Tough luck, Chapman.

  ‘What kind of question is that?’

  ‘A very reasonable one,’ Ellie replied. ‘Why do you want to come back?’

  ‘Because there’s something cooking between us!’

  Ellie stood up and walked over to the window, staring out at the sunlight-drenched garden. ‘“Something cooking between us”? Is that all you can say?’ Ellie demanded.

  ‘I don’t know what you want me to say!’ Jack was quiet for a long time before he spoke again. ‘Okay...I’ve never felt as much for anyone as I do for you.’

  Ellie shook her head and her ponytail bounced. Seriously? That was all he could come up with? Where had her erudite reporter gone—the one who relied on words for his living? Where had he run away to?

  Well, if he wasn’t going to open up she would have to. Courage, Ellie.

  ‘Jack, this has been one of the best times of my life. I’ve loved having you here, with me. I don’t want it to end but I am also not prepared to put my life on hold, waiting for you to drop back in.’ She pulled in a breath and looked for words, hoping to make him understand her point of view. ‘I can’t spend my life wondering if you’re alive or dead, worrying about you constantly. I don’t want to deal with crappy signals and brief telephone calls and even briefer visits home. Living a half-life with you, missing birthdays and anniversaries and special days!’ Ellie stated. ‘I’ve lived that life. I hated that life.’

  ‘That was your father, not me! Stop judging me by what he did and said. We are nothing
alike!’ His expression was pure frustration. ‘I am not your father and I don’t make promises I can’t keep! When I say I’ll do something, I’ll do it. And might I point out that technology has made it a lot easier to stay connected.’

  Ellie sent him an enquiring look.

  ‘We have mobiles with great coverage, and when I can’t get a signal on my mobile I’ll have a satellite phone. I could be on Mars and still be able to call you. There is internet access everywhere, and we could talk every day—hell, every hour, if that’s what you needed. And I couldn’t survive only seeing you every six weeks. A week, two at the most, and I’d be home.’

  ‘But you can’t guarantee that!’ Ellie shouted.

  ‘Nobody can, Ellie! But I’ll do my damnedest!’

  Ellie swallowed. She wanted to believe him. She really did. And she believed that he believed it—right now. But without a solid commitment, a declaration of love and trust, it couldn’t last. Long-distance relationships, especially those tinged with danger, had a finite lifespan. If he couldn’t make a commitment then she had to let him go now, while she could. Now—before she completely succumbed to the temptation of heaven and hell that loving him would be.

  Heaven when he came back; hell when he was away.

  No, that grey space in between the two, purgatory, was the safest place for her to be. It was the only place where she could function as a semi-normal person.

  Ellie shook her head. ‘I’m sorry, a mostly long-distance relationship is not an option. I...can’t.’

  Jack threw up his hands. ‘I don’t understand why not.’

  ‘Because all you’ve told me so far is that I am somewhat important and that you’ll come back when you can. How can you ask me to wait for you when that’s all you can give me?’

  Jack pushed both his hands into his hair and linked his hands around the back of his head, his eyes devastated.

  ‘Ellie, I’m doing the best I can. There’s never been anyone who has come as close to capturing my heart as you. Ever. But I won’t tell you something you want to hear just because you want to hear it. I’m giving you as much as I am able to. Can’t you understand that?’