The Adventurer's Guide to Successful Escapes

by Wade Albert White

  “Reasonably so, as long as you don’t accidentally drop one and send yourself someplace random. Some years back we had a professor of literature who did that. We haven’t seen him since.”

  When they reached the far side of the warehouse, Copperhelm opened a door and led them through. The room beyond was dim. One side was filled with empty weapon racks. The other side was lined with empty shelves. Copperhelm walked over to a bin filled with broken swords and shields and searched through it.

  “This room contains the outfits and weapons,” said Jocelyn. “As you can see, we’re currently a little low on supplies.”

  “It looks more like zero supplies,” said Penelope.

  Anne bumped into something. She turned to look and stumbled back. A suit of armor that reminded her very much of an iron knight stood in the center of the room. It was smaller than the knights at Saint Lupin’s but had the same small white stone in the center of its helmet.

  “Is there a problem?” asked Jocelyn.

  Anne pointed at the armor. “What is that doing here?”

  “We have a first-rate collection of antique Keeper’s armor. Unfortunately, this one is missing some pieces. The better exhibits are on display around the campus.”

  “You put them on display?”

  “Of course. They add to the overall aesthetic.”

  “But—but—what if they come to life?” said Anne.

  Jocelyn laughed. “Come to life? It’s a harmless suit of armor, my dear. They don’t just get up and walk around on their own.” She rapped a knuckle on the breastplate and it echoed dully. “See. Completely hollow.”

  “If you say so,” said Anne, but she stayed well away from it.

  Jocelyn handed each of them a dull yellow cloak. “Remove your dirty old coats and put these on instead.”

  Anne held up her cloak. On the back in bold black letters were the words:

  The three of them donned their cloaks. As Anne transferred the contents of her pockets to her new cloak, she noticed the cover of her book now read The Adventurer’s Guide to Fashionable Adventure Wear. Flipping it open, she discovered it contained several pages of ads for dashing outfits and matching weapons. She tucked the book away in the inner pocket of her cloak as Copperhelm returned carrying several items.

  “We have one usable sword,” said Copperhelm, holding up a worn leather sheath with a plain-looking hilt sticking out of the end. “And one dagger,” he finished, holding out a small blade.

  “Isn’t that a letter opener?” asked Hiro.

  Copperhelm handed it to him. “Congratulations for correctly identifying it. That makes it yours. May all unopened letters tremble in fear before you. And who gets the sword?” he asked, turning to Anne and Penelope.

  “I guess that should go to our fighter,” said Anne. Penelope squealed with delight, snatched the sword from Copperhelm, and immediately unsheathed it. Anne suddenly realized that with her pocketknife now lost in the Saint Lupin’s moat, she was the only one without a weapon.

  “Hey, what gives?” said Penelope. “This thing has a wooden blade.”

  “It’s a practice sword,” said Copperhelm. “That’s standard issue for a first-year student with no training.”

  Jocelyn handed them each a small pack filled with a few rations of crackers and cheese and a canteen of water. Then she had them stand together in a group: Anne with her gauntlet, Penelope holding the wooden sword, and Hiro holding the Special Order Spell Catalog. Hiro had tucked his letter opener into his boot. Jocelyn stood back and dabbed the corner of her eye with a handkerchief. “Oh, what a lovely group you all make. You know, it reminds me of my first quest—”

  Copperhelm leaned over. “If she starts reminiscing, run for your lives.”

  “Not necessary, Captain. I’m well aware the clock is ticking.” Jocelyn clapped her hands together. “So, you’re all equipped and ready to go. Now comes the best part of any quest.”

  “Breakfast?” said Penelope hopefully.

  “No, dear. Research.”

  “Research?” said Penelope. “But when do we get to fight something?” She took a swing at the suit of armor but lost her grip. The sword flew out of her hand and, despite being only a practice sword, nevertheless embedded itself a full three inches into the doorframe between Copperhelm and Jocelyn.

  Copperhelm looked across the blade to Jocelyn. “Still convinced this is a good idea?”

  Anne awoke with a start.

  They were in the library, a spacious three-story building packed with bookshelves, various artifacts, and at least a dozen suits of armor on display. Despite Jocelyn’s assurances that the armor was not alive, Anne had picked a spot at the table farthest from them. She’d fallen asleep on top of an open book, and her face had stuck to a page with her own drool. She peeled herself off and wiped her cheek on her sleeve.

  Jeffery appeared in a burst of light. “Just so you know, that’s really gross. Also, your nose whistles when you sleep.”

  “Thanks for letting me know,” said Anne. “But how did you appear? I didn’t summon you.”

  “Yeah, I know. Usually I can only appear when my Keeper activates me, but I was just thinking about how great it would be to come out, and voilà, here I am. I think that scratch in the medallion might have wedged open the door, so to speak. Which is great, because now I can come out whenever I want. Like if I want to complain about something completely arbitrary. Or if I’m just really restless, like now. Honestly, have you figured out the riddle yet? Because even my boredom is getting bored.”

  “Not yet.”

  Although Jocelyn had claimed research was the best part of a quest, Anne had found it to be equal parts excruciating and frustrating. Except for a couple of hastily eaten meals in the dining hall, they’d spent the entire rest of the day in the library and had yet to turn up any information about a tower with no door. They’d read about a tower made of all doors, and a tower with no windows, and even a tower in a wealthy kingdom with no doorman, which had apparently caused some sort of national scandal. The book Anne had fallen asleep on was entitled Towers of the Hierarchy and the Vegetables They Most Resemble. It had proven especially worthless and had left her with an unexplained craving for radishes.

  Penelope was curled up in a large armchair, snoring loudly. Hiro sat at the other end of the table surrounded by stacks of books and piles of scrolls. He was currently skimming through a thick reference book. The instructors weren’t in the library. Hours earlier, Copperhelm had excused himself to attend to the cat, and Jocelyn had gone to help Sassafras find his fuzzy slippers. But shouldn’t they have returned by now?

  “What time is it?” asked Anne.

  “Nearly midnight,” said Jeffery. “You’re almost down one whole day.”

  Anne slumped back in her chair. “We’re going to waste all of our time in here just trying to figure out where to go.”

  Tired of digging through ancient tomes written in languages she couldn’t understand, Anne pulled the red-covered book out of the inner pocket of her new cloak on the off chance it had anything useful to offer. Unfortunately, the cover was blank, as were the pages.

  “Oh, a new book?” said Jeffery.

  Anne held it away. “No eating,” she said.

  “Aw, shucks.” He looked up at her. “What’s it about?”

  Anne gave the book a shake. “Nothing at the moment. It’s kind of been helping me, but I guess it doesn’t know anything about a tower with no door, either.”

  “Helping you?”

  “It’s given us some advice, and even a passenger ticket when I needed one, although I never did get to use it.”

  Jeffery stared wide-eyed at the book. “You have a copy of The Adventurer’s Guide?”

  Anne shrugged. “Which one? It keeps changing titles.”

  Jeffery hopped over and sniffed the book. “It is the guide! Wow, I thought they’d gone extinct. Adventurers relied on these all the time to help them with quests, but for some reason the publisher stoppe
d making them. They can be super useful, though. They’re filled with all kinds of information.”

  “Well, it’s not offering anything right now.”

  Jeffery sniffed the book again. “Hmmm. This one’s pretty old. That might explain why it’s not working quite right. Let me try giving it a little boost.” He laid a wing on the cover and his feathers pulsed briefly with light, but rather than simply fade away, the light seemed to get sucked into the book. After a moment, a title appeared: The Adventurer’s Guide to Towers of the Hierarchy.

  Anne hastily flipped the book open and squealed. There on the first page, drawn in fine, delicate lines, was a map with a large oblong shape in the exact center with a picture of a dragon over it. She jumped out of her chair and ran down the length of the table to Hiro.

  “Take a look at this,” she said, plopping the book in front of him.

  Hiro examined it. “That definitely looks like a tower. I think these other markings are some sort of ancient runes. When Jocelyn gets back, she might be able to decipher them. And this dragon symbol here is—”

  “—the exact same as the image on the medallion,” said Anne. “I know.”

  Hiro snapped his fingers and dug out another book from one of his piles. “I found the symbol in here, too, while you were asleep. It’s actually not very common. In fact, as far as I can tell, it’s never been used on a quest medallion before. It’s called the Sign of Zarala.”

  “Who’s Zarala?”

  Hiro shrugged. “I haven’t been able to find anything more.”

  Penelope stirred in her chair. “Why are people being loud?” she mumbled.

  “The Adventurer’s Guide has a map in it,” said Anne.

  “That’s great. What’s The Adventurer’s Guide?”

  “The book, Pen. This wonderful book.” For the first time since they’d learned about the quest, Anne felt a glimmer of hope. “I’ll go find Jocelyn and let her know we found a map.”

  “I’ll go. I’m a lot faster,” said Jeffery, and he leapt off the table and flew out through an open window.

  Penelope sprang out of her chair and over to the table. “Excellent! The book strikes again.”

  “Again?” asked Hiro.

  “It’s done this before,” said Anne. “It’s from the Saint Lupin’s library.”

  Hiro’s eyes widened. “Wait, you’re saying you stole this?” He eyed it as though it might burst into flame.

  Penelope shrugged. “She is the thief of the party.”

  “No, I’m the blacksmith, remember? And I only borrowed it,” said Anne. “Er, although possibly indefinitely. Look, I think it really wants to help us. It gave me a ticket, and now it’s showing us this map.”

  Hiro flipped through the pages. “There’s no mention of the author.”

  “So?”

  “So we’re not permitted to use a magick item unless we know it’s been approved,” he said in a lecturing tone.

  Anne didn’t want to begin their quest by breaking rules, but the book contained the only clue they’d been able to dig up so far, and the quest clock was ticking. Hiro might know more about quests and academies and official guidelines, but Anne knew all too well from experience that sometimes you simply had to make do with whatever you had on hand.

  Penelope snatched the guide out of his hand. “It’s Anne’s quest, so it’s her call.”

  Hiro snatched it back. “It’s against the rules.”

  “What is it with you and rules?” said Penelope. “The book belongs to Anne.”

  “Actually,” said a cold voice behind them, “I believe the book belongs to me.”

  Anne’s heart nearly stopped.

  In the doorway of the library stood the Matron.

  There’s no reason to panic. Everything is all right.

  —lyrics from “Everything I Tell You Is a Lie” by bardic legends Pompf and Company

  The Official Antagonist

  No one moved.

  Anne glanced past the Matron, hoping desperately to see one of the instructors returning, but the corridor was empty. She willed Jeffery to deliver his message quickly.

  “Who are you?” asked Hiro before either Anne or Penelope could stop him.

  The Matron strode into the room, her cane clicking with every other step. “I’m the person who’s come to reclaim what belongs to her. Starting with that book you’re holding.”

  Hiro hastily dropped The Adventurer’s Guide onto the table. “Anne was just explaining how she had borrowed it.”

  The Matron smiled. “Was she now? And did she also happen to mention ‘borrowing’ one of my prophecy medallions?”

  “She might have left that part out,” said Hiro, his voice cracking slightly.

  Anne snatched the guide from the table. “The book wanted to come.”

  The Matron raised an eyebrow.

  “Or, well, it’s been helping us,” Anne elaborated. “The medallion chose me, too.”

  “That prophecy belongs to me.”

  “Well… well, you’re too late. The quest has already been activated.”

  “Oh, I’m well aware,” said the Matron, reaching into her vest pocket and drawing out a small card. She placed the card on the table and slid it across.

  Hiro picked it up and read it. “This says she’s the Official Antagonist for the quest.”

  “The what?” asked Penelope.

  “It means she’s the bad guy,” said Anne.

  “No, it means I’m your opponent,” countered the Matron. “Which of us is truly the ‘bad guy’ is yet to be seen. I’m not the one who broke the rules of an institution that provided her with food and shelter for thirteen years, who refused to accept discipline for her actions, who robbed a poor woman of her rightful property, and who attacked an innocent marine animal.”

  “But… that’s… that’s ridiculous,” Anne protested. “You locked me in a dungeon. And that zombie shark tried to eat us! And how did you become the Official Antagonist, anyway?”

  “Simple. I applied for the position. Now all I need to do is defeat you, and then the gauntlet and the medallion will be mine once and for all, without question.”

  “This seems highly unusual. I—I think we should ask one of the instructors about this,” said Hiro.

  “Oh, no,” said the Matron. She held out her cane, and it flattened itself into a thin blade. “You’re not getting away from me this time.”

  “Oh, I rather think she might,” Jocelyn said from the doorway. She was holding a rapier in her hand in a manner that very much suggested she knew how to use it.

  Anne let out a huge breath.

  Jeffery flew over and landed on the gauntlet. “Mission accomplished,” he chirped, and disappeared in a flash of light.

  The Matron lunged at Jocelyn with her blade, but Jocelyn parried her strike. Both Jocelyn and the Matron retreated, weapons at the ready, as Jocelyn circled around next to Anne and the others.

  “Get out of my way,” said the Matron. “I’m here on official business.”

  “So I heard,” said Jocelyn.

  “You would dare to interfere with a quest?”

  “Of course not. But as I’m sure you know, academies are neutral ground. If you attack a Keeper here, you risk incurring a serious penalty. And we are permitted to offer our assistance.” As if to emphasize this, she adopted a new defensive stance.

  “I don’t care about penalties,” said the Matron. “I. Want. That. Medallion.”

  Jocelyn laughed. “And you expect her to simply hand it over? I say, did you complete your villain’s diploma by correspondence? If you want it, you’ll have to follow the rules like everyone else.”

  The Matron lunged a second time, but Jocelyn blocked her again.

  “You can’t stop me forever,” said the Matron.

  Captain Copperhelm and Sassafras appeared in the doorway.

  “Actually, I don’t think I’m your biggest concern at the moment,” said Jocelyn.

  The Matron lifted her metal hand
and made several intricate gestures. Throughout the library, the suits of armor sprang to life. The small white stones in the center of their helmets glowed red, and they stepped heavily from their pedestals and drew their swords.

  “And I don’t think I’m yours,” countered the Matron, springing to the side out of the way.

  One of the suits of armor surged forward, and Copperhelm rushed in to meet it. He blocked its swing with his axe and countered with a sweeping cut, lopping off one of its legs. The armor tumbled back into the two suits behind it. Sassafras leapt spryly onto the table and sent out a weaving cluster of tiny balls of light. They converged on one of the suits and exploded, blowing it to pieces. With each light, a hummingbird appeared, and these immediately flocked together and attacked another suit of armor.

  Keeping her rapier pointed at the Matron, Jocelyn stepped close to Anne and lowered her voice. “Jeffery said you found something.”

  “A map,” Anne whispered back. “We think it leads to the tower.”

  Jocelyn nodded. “Then go. There’s an exit at the back. Follow the main path down into the valley and locate Nana. Her lair is in a cave near the bottom. She can send you wherever you need to go.”

  “But—”

  “I’m sorry we couldn’t offer you more, but know that I have every confidence in you and that I believe you’re going to make a wonderful Keeper.” She gave Anne a warm smile. “Now be off. Quickly. You don’t have a lot of time.”

  Anne ducked under the sweeping cut of one of the suits of armor. Jocelyn ran her rapier through its helmet and beheaded it with a flick of her wrist. Then she charged forward and reengaged the Matron.

  Another suit of armor ran at Anne. She raised her gauntlet and the armor froze, but a second suit of armor came stomping around the other side of the table. She couldn’t freeze them both. As the suit reached for her, the bookcase next to it toppled over and knocked it to the floor. Penelope and Hiro were standing on the other side of the bookcase.

  “Come on!” shouted Penelope, moving toward the main entrance.

  “No, follow me,” said Anne.

  She led the others full speed toward the back of the library. As they threw open the door and charged out into the night, the Matron yelled.