All or Nothing

by S Michaels

  ‘No! Absolutely not Bella why would you say that? Will you do me one favor though?’ I request.

  ‘Sure’ she regards me expectantly.

  ‘Don’t discuss me and Grant with Mike. Don’t taint your relationship with our drama’

  ‘Ok’ she glances at her fingers, ‘I haven’t taken his calls today’ she admits.

  ‘Bella, no! Go talk mush to your man’ I instruct, ‘this has nothing to do with you and Mike he seems like a great guy go enjoy your relationship please’ I plead and she nods rises from the sofa and enters into her room.

  It would have been better if I hadn’t seen him again and we hadn’t relived our passion merely had the glorious memories of Vegas. I think I am in lust with him, I have never wanted anyone physically as much as I want him he is a drug to me. He lied to me, he acted as if he was available to have a sexual relationship with me and in the sidelines was a fiancé!

  Bella returns as the credits are playing, ‘you ok?’ I enquire.

  ‘Mike never knew Abi I promise you’ her eyes are wary.

  ‘I thought we agreed you were not going to discuss us!’ I stress.

  ‘It had to be approached right now for my benefit, from now on in we will remain out of it’ she assures me, ‘I cannot be with a man that allows such behavior around the people I love’ she frowns at me, ‘I promise we didn’t know’

  ‘Ok, it doesn’t matter forget it I have he will never have the opportunity to hurt me again’ I assure her.

  ‘From what I gather he isn’t prepared to give up’ she informs me quietly.

  ‘Well the fact that he has a fiancé blurs the picture slightly don’t you thing?’ I raise an eyebrow.

  ‘Well he denies she is his fiancé’ she informs me.

  ‘Really Bell’ I hold a hand up ‘I don’t wish to know’

  Bella tenses her jaw as if she wishes to speak but stops herself.

  I find myself at work earlier than usual all week refusing to leave until way after everyone else welcoming the distraction. I am happiest when I am busiest. My boss is impressed and mentions the fact that he recognizes that I am working above his expectations of me.

  I am hurt, more so than with Scott purely because I placed my trust in Grant and our….whatever it was. I felt it I was there I had faith in our feelings. I will never trust in those feelings ever again I have built a wall around my heart.

  Bella and Mike are adorable and so into each other, she attempts to hide it without success I have never experienced this side of Bella during the whole of our entire friendship and to be honest I cannot blame her Mike is a sweetheart. If I wasn’t so screwed up with Grant I would be a little envious of Bella.

  I continue throwing myself into work ignoring all the invites to go out at every opportunity, there was no point as far as I was concerned.

  ‘Please come out Abi’ begs Bella.

  ‘No’

  ‘Why are you being so stubborn? Just a bar and a drink? You have to get out of the house other than at work’

  ‘I am not interested, anyway where is Mike tonight?’ I reply.

  ‘Work stuff, please Abi we haven’t been out for ages. Just us girls’

  I sigh, ‘just a few drinks no clubbing?’

  ‘Absolutely’ she grins aware she has worn me down.

  We step into the bar and Bella’s phone rings, ‘Hi baby’ she sings into the mobile. I roll my eyes and approach the bar.

  ‘Two Margaritas please’ I inform the barman and turn to inspect our surroundings. I wasn’t feeling the whole dress thing tonight instead choosing to wear my skin tight shiny leggings with a white willowy blouse and black patent shoe boots. Bella had curled my brown hair into wavy curls over one shoulder and I had applied my regular eyeliner and mascara with a little lip gloss. I had zero interest in this evening but urged on by Bella who was dressed in another minute dress barely covering her backside in light grey.

  ‘Sorry about that’ she calls as she seats herself on one of the bar stools ‘Mike’ as though I wasn’t aware.

  ‘Everything ok?’ I test.

  ‘Yes all fine. So, what do we think of this one?’

  ‘It’s a bit dark don’t you think?’ I inform her.

  ‘That’s probably the dark cloud that’s following you’ she teases softening the comment with a smile.

  ‘Very funny’ I grin.

  ‘It is a bit dark, maybe not for what I have in mind’ she assesses the area before lifting her drink, ‘to best friends’ she clinks my glass and I smile.

  An hour later I am bored, ‘how about a shot?’ I suggest, ‘I am not feeling this place Bella’ we have had a couple of drinks and the atmosphere in the bar is poor. The staff are unmotivated and moving about checking the clock for when their shifts end.

  ‘One shot then we move on’ she insists signaling to the barman ‘two tequilas please’

  My head is muzzy from the shot and cocktails as we enter into the second bar, we are definitely tipsy as I am smiling. ‘Wow, I haven’t seen that for a while’ Bella slurs linking her arm to mine.

  ‘And you probably won’t again my friend’ I giggle as we move to the bar ordering another two cocktails. This bar is buzzing and music is thumping Bella grabs me and moves us to the dance floor where we begin to move in rhythm to the music.

  We move back towards the bar area and flop down on the bar stools, ‘that was more like the old Abigail’ Bella pants flicking her blonde locks over her shoulder.

  Two men appear at the bar beside us one turning to smile at me as he calls the bartender over, ‘two beers and ladies?’ he smiles towards us ‘drink?’

  ‘No thank you’ I wave a hand away politely.

  ‘Sure!’ Bella calls ‘two tequilas please gentleman’ and I throw her a frown which deters her none.

  ‘So, what are you names?’ the dark haired one enquires his eyes searching my face.

  ‘I am Bella, this is Abigail’ she points to me.

  ‘I am David, this is Andrew. Pleased to meet you ladies’ he smiles an attractive smile my way as the bartender places the shots next to us. He is tall, broad and dark with bright blue eyes that appear warm and friendly. Both the guys appear genuinely charming and I begin to relax as we sit and chat. Bella and I are pretty inebriated grinning like idiots at the stories that the guys are informing us of, they are family lawyers and are full of extremely funny anecdotes.

  ‘So’ David enquires ‘can I take you out sometime Abi?’

  ‘I am not really dating at the moment David but thank you’ and I mean it, David seems an absolutely lovely guy but I would hurt him and I wouldn’t wish to do that.

  ‘Just a drink?’ he smiles and I shake my head ‘tell you what’ he hands me his business card ‘call me whenever, no pressure’ and I accept the card placing it in my bag.

  ‘Thank you for the drinks’ I mumble and he leans down and kisses my cheek.

  ‘You are welcome, call me’ he demands gently.

  We arrive home at 1am and the room is swaying, I fill a glass with water and gulp it down eager for the spinning inside my head to cease.

  ‘See you had a good time’ Bella calls from the sofa where she has crashed curled into a ball.

  ‘I did, thank you Bell’ I murmur refilling my glass.

  ‘That David was in to you’ she mumbles sleepily.

  ‘He was a nice guy’ I reply ‘I am not interested in men at the moment Bella’ silence, I believe Bella has conked out! I cover her with a blanket and flop into my own bed.

  ********

  I smell coffee and groan, why do I always order Tequilas when I am perfectly aware of how they affect me the next day? I delicately turn and finish my glass of water sitting on the bedside cabinet before swinging my legs off of the bed, the clock signals 9.27am. I am naked but for my briefs so grab a robe and move in the direction of the coffee.

  Bella is curled up on the sofa once again only this time she has her onesie on, ‘oh my god Abi’ she groans ‘why oh why do we p
ut ourselves through this?’

  ‘Coffee’ I croak as I bypass her to the kitchen and pour myself a mug returning to curl up on the opposite end laying my achy head against the sofa.

  She chuckles ‘good night though’

  ‘Hmmmm’ I cannot string two words together.

  ‘So you going to call that David guy?’ she enquires.

  ‘No’ I reply yawning ‘not interested’

  ‘He was attractive’ she reminds me.

  ‘Yes he was and a true gentleman, he wouldn’t screw me on a desk’

  Bella laughs out loud, ‘that’s the problem I take it’

  I chuckle quietly the sound reverberating through my head, ‘ouch’

  Bella’s phone rings and she glances at it before answering with ‘hi baby’ and I groan, she grins and raises slowly moving to her room. After my coffee I move to the shower and rinse away the night before shampooing my hair and brushing my teeth, I am going to my parents today for dinner with the hang over from hell.

  ********

  Monday evening I am eating a jacket potato when my phone rings, I don’t recognize the number but answer it regardless, ‘hello’

  ‘Hi’ a voice murmurs and my stomach drops ‘Abi? Please don’t put the phone down’

  ‘What do you want Grant?’ I growl regretting my decision to delete his number when we returned from Vegas.

  ‘To talk, to explain’ he pleads ‘why won’t you give me a chance to clarify my actions?’

  ‘Exactly what do you think you could say that would justify your behavior? It is plain, you screwed me then introduced me to your fiancé!’

  ‘She isn’t my fiancé’ he expresses ‘listen it is complicated can we meet?’

  ‘No’ I reply simply.

  He sighs before enquiring, ‘so you going out with this guy you met the other night?’ his voice is tight.

  ‘What?’ I am dumbstruck ‘that is none of your business Grant, I am a single woman’

  ‘Are you?’ he demands.

  ‘Screw you’ I end the call my heart thumping out of my chest. Bella! She must have informed Mike that we met a couple of guys and he has told tales out of school. I call Bella’s number, ‘hi Hun’ she answers.

  ‘Bella, I thought we agreed’ my voice is low and stern.

  ‘What?’ she queries.

  ‘Grant has called me enquiring as to whether I am dating the guy I met the other night’ I wait as the silence lengthens.

  ‘I will call you back’ she ends the call, I am fuming can I not trust Bella now? It doesn’t take me long to realize how unreasonable I am being Bella is in love and was probably just sharing with Mike our night out. I sigh before sending a text to Bella,

  Sorry I am being unreasonable, take no notice of me x

  I don’t receive any reply so I assume that poor Mike is getting a thorough telling off. I rub my hands over my face regretting my irrational behavior.

  When Bella and Mike appear an hour later I feel regretful that I even called Bella before I put things into perspective.

  ‘Hi’ I smile towards Mike who appears angry.

  ‘Hi, we need to talk’ Mike sits beside me as Bella moves to the fridge and pours three glasses of wine.

  ‘I am sorry Mike, I shouldn’t drag you into this’ I apologize.

  ‘No, you shouldn’t Abi but neither should Grant. I not only work for Grant so he is one of my best friends it is extremely hard for me to be in this position. Bella is my girlfriend and we shouldn’t have to censor what we discuss’ Bella places the wine on the table and sits on the floor against Mike’s legs.

  ‘I realize that, it won’t happen again’ I promise as tears fill behind my eyes.

  ‘Why don’t you sit and discuss things with Grant’ he pleads ‘he is a good guy nothing like this perception you have of him’

  I shake my head as a tear escapes and Mike pulls me into his arms ‘don’t cry Abi’ he soothes and Bella moves to sit the other side stroking my back. I am embarrassed but am powerless against the emotions that are sizzling through my body, ‘I can’t talk to him he has a fiancé there isn’t anything else to discuss’

  ‘There is believe me, it isn’t my place to discuss Grant’s business with you but you need a conversation even if it allows you to move on in your lives. I have never seen Grant like this Abi and I have known him a long time, something is eating him up’

  I sit up and nod dashing away my tears, ‘ok’ maybe I need closure to move on ‘can you arrange something? I don’t want to feel like this anymore I am a mess’ he glances at Bella before nodding his head and hands me a glass of wine.

  Chapter Eight

  I don’t trust either of us alone in our flat so instruct Mike to set up a meeting somewhere public, I receive a call from Bella whilst at work informing me that Grant will meet me on Friday evening in a bar near my work.

  My stomach is full of nerves as I make my way there on Friday. I am dressed in my black pencil skirt, red heels and red blouse I refrained from using my red lipstick opting for some gloss and pull my hair into a tight bun.

  I notice Grant immediately, he has obviously come straight from the office and is in a charcoal grey suit and white shirt he looks delicious. He appears tense his eyes wary as he stands as I approach him, I avoid his glorious green eyes and sit opposite placing my bag on the chair beside me.

  ‘Hi’ he murmurs.

  ‘Hi’ I croak, pull yourself together Abi I warn myself.

  ‘I ordered wine, I could certainly do with one’ he pours a glass and places it in front of me.

  ‘So...’ I lift it to my lips risking a glance up at him.

  ‘Straight to the point?’ his eyes spark with what I presume to be anger.

  ‘What did you expect Grant? You had sex with me whilst your fiancé was in the building! I need closure Grant, this is becoming harmful to Bella and Mike’s relationship’

  ‘I realize that but you have to keep an open mind Abi’ he regards me cautiously ‘Amber is an ex…..lover’ he expresses.

  ‘Right’ I nod as pain sears through my insides at the images rolling through my head.

  ‘We slept together a couple of times nothing serious’ he continues and I raise an eyebrow, scoff and begin to shake my head.

  ‘What?’ he frowns unaware of how his words have promoted such a reaction.

  ‘Nothing, continue please’ I urge and he suddenly comprehends.

  ‘No!’ he fumes ‘nothing like us’

  ‘Well exactly like us but continue’ I gulp a mouthful of wine.

  He sighs and runs a hand through his hair ‘she informed me some time ago that she is pregnant’ he raises his eyes to mine and I take a deep breath to contain the stab that has just pierced my heart.

  ‘I thought you always used protection’ I croak.

  ‘I do and did’ he informs me before adding ‘except with you’

  I shake my head, I have been played big style, ‘should I get tested for disease?’ I fume my voice wobbling slightly.

  ‘No!’ he frowns ‘for fuck sake Abi I meant it I never went without protection until you’

  ‘And yet your ex…whatever, is pregnant how exactly did that happen?’

  ‘I have no idea but until the child is born and I can get a paternity test I can do nothing about it’ he growls. We are silent for a while as I absorb this painful information ‘I had every intention of tracking you down as soon as we came home from Vegas Abi, I realized we shared something special. It was one of the hardest thing I have ever witnessed watching you walk away from me at the airport’ his eyes search mine, ‘I just needed to get this mess sorted first, she is not my fiancé Abi I promise you and I haven’t slept with her since meeting you’

  ‘Why would she suggest that she is then?’ I glare into his eyes mistrusting.

  ‘Because she insists that once the paternity test is done and she proves that the baby is mine we will marry and become a family’ he shakes his head ‘that is a fantasy it will never happe
n’

  ‘And if the baby is yours?’

  ‘Then I will take full parental responsibility but I will never be with Amber despite what she believes’

  ‘You may wish to inform her of that instead of leading her on’ I laugh stiffly.

  ‘I have but I need to keep her near until I can be sure the baby isn’t mine’ he expresses ‘she is Italian and has notified me that if I reject her now she will disappear to Italy where she has family and I will have no contact with the child. Despite my reluctance to become a dad at this stage in my life, if the child is in fact mine I wish to play my part’

  I sit back ‘what a mess’ I sigh and gulp another mouthful of wine ‘what a fucked up mess’

  ‘Please Abi give me the benefit of the doubt, I would never intentionally hurt you. That night in the club I had no intention of having sex with you it just happened! I was so surprised to see you….’

  ‘We should have left things at the airport, the sweet memories of Vegas’ I express quietly.

  ‘No! I want more Abi’ he states stubbornly.

  ‘But you aren’t in a position to make demands Grant’ I remind him ‘because if the baby is yours your life is going to be pretty full from hereon in….. There will certainly not be any time for a new relationship’

  ‘I am not prepared to let you go Abi, the thought of you with another man…’ he whispers I take a breath my insides responding to his words.

  ‘How far gone is she?’ I ignore him.

  ‘Five months although she hardly shows’ he frowns ‘I have a private detective investigating her, I don’t trust her’ he mutters ‘I used protection Abi’ he reiterates.

  ‘Why didn’t you use protection with me?’

  ‘I told you this, I wanted to feel all of you…. I have never felt the way I do with you Abi please believe me’

  ‘Ok, I believe that she isn’t your fiancé Grant but the relevance of this meeting is to ensure that we refrain from harming our mutual friend’s relationship in its early stages. No more questioning Mike in regards to me whatsoever’ I raise my eyes to his and for a moment we lock gazes my insides warm as his green eyes penetrate my soul ‘Grant’ I croak.