I didn’t know how to respond, so I waited. Waited for Julie to open the door.
Julie
“Why aren’t you telling me? How did you find me?” I demanded. I knew I was pushing my luck. I knew his temper was quick to rise. But I was nervous for the truth. Had he tracked me down? If he tracked me here, had he tracked down my family too? No that had to be impossible, as far as I knew, he had no idea where I was even from… but if he tracked me down here, anything was possible.
“Poodle, you better watch your tone. Daddy isn’t too happy with you. I came up here to forgive you—"
“Forgive me?! Are you out of your mind,” I exclaimed, backing up a tiny step just to make sure I was a safe distance away.
“Listen Poodle, it's time to shut your mouth,” Harry was getting angry, “Like I was saying, I came up here to forgive you, you dumb bitch. After you go and land yourself in the hospital… too many people were coming around with questions…. You were calling around too much, Poodle. Not covering your tracks.”
That’s how he found me. Relief spread through my shoulders. I was safe. He saw the area code, did some research. Anyone could have found me that way.
“I lost a lot of money covering up the mess you left behind,” Harry was still talking. My silence was his cue to continue, “But, you're still my prettiest girl. You made me the most money, Poodle. So listen, I’ll cut you a deal cause Daddy still loves his little girl. You turn some tricks up here, you send some money down my way to pay back what I lost… maybe I’ll take care of you when they kick your good for nothing ass out of here.”
“I’m not getting kicked out of here, Harry. Forget it, that’s not my life anymore.”
Harry chuckled, inching closer to me, “Poodle… you know why I call you Poodle right? Obedient. Pretty. Groomed,” Harry said each word slowly, making sure to get his point across, “What a lost little puppy you were that day, climbing into my car. You might think you’re worth a damn after what these Jesus followers have filled your stupid little head with, but you’re still a worthless dog at the end of the day. Even a poodle is just a bitch, only there for a lay when the breeder says she’s ready.
“I say you’re ready,” Harry said, only an arm’s length away from me now. I didn’t back down and I didn’t blink. I stared into Harry, trying to read him, trying to see past the dark, dead, almost black eyes. I dropped my walls and let him see into me. The emptiness he caused. The rage, the terror, the numbness, the bad. He caused so much bad.
“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Harry asked after a moment, "All that shit you took fucked you up." He was spooked by my eerie silence, but that only paused him for a moment before he took the chance to dig deeper into the scared, insecure lonely girl from the streets.
“You think you’ve got something up here? Some magical life? You’re a fucking worthless bitch who can’t do anything unless her legs are spread. You fucking lost your mind with all those drugs you was doin.”
“You know what Harry… I don’t know why I was scared of you for so long you pathetic, ugly little man. You want to beat me now? You want to throw me down, rape me? Smack me around because I need to be put in my place? Try it. One fingerprint and your ass is in jail. You know it, and I know it.”
I looked him in the eye then turned my back on him for the first time ever and walked to the door, opening it without looking back. Jeff and Jon stood immediately
“Jeff, Harold is going to leave, you’ll see him out, won’t you?” I didn’t look back at the man standing in Jeff’s office. I paused for a moment next to Jon but didn’t make eye contact. He started to reach for my hand but I continued my exit out of the building. Jon looked at Jeff and after a moment’s hesitation, sat back down. He didn’t follow me and I don’t know if I was relieved or upset.
I laid down when I got back to my cabin. Harry’s words were on repeat in my brain.
Worthless. Stupid girl. Obedient.
I always pretended to be tough, but I knew that I wasn't. I did what I had to in order to survive, but I was weak. I let men control me; I let these evil men find me and control my self worth. I thought that I was desirable enough to control men, but it wasn't true. What I thought were strengths were actually weaknesses. These men knew I was weak and knew how to take advantage.
No matter what he thought he felt for me, Jon didn't know me. He didn't know the real me. He didn't know what I was capable of or what I had done. Jon didn’t need me to drag him down.
As I crawled into my bed, I made a vow to stay away from Jon, give him his space and let him get over me. I may be worthless, but at least for once, I was doing the right thing.
Mindy
We were in the common room, like almost every night; except the tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife. Jon and Julie, the usually inseparable duo, were not even in the same vicinity as each other. Julie was sitting on a table up in the loft, flirting with some guy from another group whose homework she was most definitely sitting on. Jon sat in a chair below with the rest of us, pretending to read. I knew he was watching every move she made, his knuckles turned more white with every hair toss, every laugh.
Anthony entered the room and took the empty seat next to Jon, “Yo man, what’s going on?” he said to no reply. Anthony followed Jon’s gaze and looked up at the loft.
“Hmm, that’s new,” Tony observed. Jon grunted in response, not having anything more productive to say about the situation.
He eventually sighed and sat back, looking at Tony; “She’s been distant and quiet and cold since yesterday, and now this…” Jon nodded his head in the direction of his girlfriend flirting up in the loft as he trailed off.
"What happened yesterday? Who came to see her?" Tony asked.
"She said it was her cousin. I don't know who he really was, but he triggered whatever the fuck this is."
“Maybe you should go talk to her man, find out what’s going on,” Anthony suggested. Where Jay was flippant and Chris pushed buttons, Tony was a peach keeper. I was glad that Tony sat next to Jon.
Julie had told me about her impromptu meeting with her pimp. I urged her to tell Jon the truth, but she didn't want to. She just wanted it all to go away. I understood now why Chris pushed buttons the way he did. He wasn't trying to make anyone angry, he was just trying to push them in the right direction. He seemed to have a philosophy that if you piss someone off enough, they would bend to your will, even if they think they're doing what they want. It was some Jedi-mind shit, but I wished that I had the ability to do that with Julie.
Jon thought for a second, then pushed himself out of his chair and started towards the steps. He didn’t know why she was acting like this and it made him nervous to ask her. Jon didn’t get nervous often, but he loved Julie, and what scared him more than her shutting down and hurting him, were the truths she could finally tell him.
Jon walked slowly up to the table and although Julie saw him, she didn’t acknowledge his presence, “Hey Jules, can we talk?” he asked.
“Sure,” Julie said, not making any movement to get up and go talk to him. Jon saw red.
“Uh, now?”
“No, I don’t really feel like it right now.”
“What?” he asked, not understanding what was happening but trying to keep his temper in check all the same.
I looked around and saw that every Mountain Climber watched the interaction. I felt dread in the pit of my stomach. This shouldn’t have been the time or place or mindset for this conversation. Julie was doing this on purpose and I knew this was going to end badly.
“I just don’t want to talk to you right now. Maybe later or something,” she stated with finality as she got up, walked down the stairs and outside. Jon stared after. A little amazed at what had just happened.
“Julie,” Jon called after his girlfriend, following her out of the building after he regained consciousness, “what the hell was that?”
The rest of us quickly yet stealthily followed them out to
continue eavesdropping.
“What, I’m not allowed to not want to talk to you?” she asked without stopping or turning around, “Get over it! Since when do you control me?”
“Julie!” he demanded, anger finally crashing through. The tone of his voice caused Julie to pause for a moment, “What the fuck is going on?”
“Jon, leave me alone. I don’t want to talk to you right now, can’t you just drop it? You’re acting like such a baby.”
Jon and Julie weren’t aware that we migrated outside to listen to the argument; Julie wouldn’t turn around to look at Jon. She was too scared to meet his eyes.
“No, I won’t drop it. I want to know what the hell is going on and what the hell your problem is. Now.”
“Fine! You want to know so badly?” Julie turned around finally. I don't think she noticed us watching this unfold since her eyes were trained on his shoulder, “Did you ever think that when I was on the streets, I had to live? I had to eat? I needed a place to stay? I was gone for seven months, Jon. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what I had to do to survive.
“Well, Harry came along. You know, he's not actually my cousin if you couldn't figure that one out. He put me up, he helped me out, but… it came at a price, Jon.
"You’re looking a little stunned there Johnny Boy, you want me to spell it out?” Julie was taunting him. She wanted Jon to hurt the way she hurt. She didn’t stop long enough for Jon to answer, “Yup, you’re pretty little girlfriend right here was a prostitute. Turning tricks and giving most of my money to that creep Harry. He beat the shit out of me occasionally but gave me access to so many drugs I could forget all the pain.
“Are you fucking satisfied now, Jon? Do you know all you needed to know? Do you see now why I’ve been avoiding you? I've tried to forget the plethora of men I fucked for a few dollars and another hit but you demanded the answers Jon, so here we are! Are we done now, cause I think it’s safe to say we are.”
Julie spun around and walked calmly to the cabin. I followed at a distance, knowing she would want to be alone but worried about her all the same.
I watched her slowly close the door behind her. By the time I entered the cabin she was in the bathroom throwing up. I could hear her crying so hard between heaves. I heard the shower turn on and allowed myself to sneak back out of the cabin. She was okay for now. She didn’t need to know that someone knew how vulnerable she was at that moment.
Julie
I couldn’t figure out what happened. I didn’t know why I did that, why I lashed out. I wanted to push Jon away, but there had to be a better way to do it. It was like something had taken over my body and once I started, I couldn't end it.
I was blank and empty inside. I ruined it on purpose. I exposed myself out of spite and anger to push Jon away. And now I was more lost than I was before.
I turned on the shower as hot as it would go and stepped inside, still sobbing. I willed the water to burn off what just happened and turn back time, but I had been around the block enough times to know what reality was, and what wasn’t. I'd made my bed and now it was time to sleep in it.
JONATHAN
I stood alone in the same spot. I didn’t know what else to do, I couldn’t move. I felt sick. The image of Julie as a prostitute took residence in my brain. I couldn’t believe I had ever had feelings for a person like Julie.
The Mountain Climber audience split up for their perspective cabins and left me alone with my thoughts.
No one knew how long I stood out there.
CHAPTER NINE
“Always trust your gut feelings,
as they never lie the way people do.”
Lena
It was oddly warm for the beginning of March. Especially for Washington. All the Mountain Climbers besides Julie sat outside, enjoying the odd spell of sunshine. I walked up to them with a smile although it made me sad to see the absence of Julie once again.
It had been weeks since her fight with Jon but Julie was still laying low and spending her free time alone in bed. She seemed to be trying to make herself invisible. That was a hard feat for a girl who looked like her.
Julie wouldn’t talk to anyone, even Mindy. I had asked.
During meals, she sat and shuffled food around. I started to monitor since she had a history with anorexia, but her eating disorder wasn’t coming back. She was just sad with no appetite.
The entire school knew about her past now. All of her carefully guarded secrets were out for anyone and everyone to judge. It was a huge dent in her hard steel armor.
“Hey guys, I have some exciting news for you. We know that you’re all at different points in your treatment, but next weekend is Parents Weekend and we have been able to work with all of your parents on visits according to your level here.”
“I don’t get it—” Tony interrupted.
“Okay, well you’re the perfect example, you’ve been here for two and a half years, you’re doing great in classes, you’re able to go off campus with your parents for a day trip. Those of you who are a little newer to the campus, will have chaperoned visits on the grounds. All of you will have a family therapy session at one point or another. We just want to make it even and fair for everyone, and for everyone to see his or her parents."
“What about us special orphans,” Jason said with a smirk, “do we get anything special?”
“You actually have a visitor coming, smarty pants,” I said, matching Jay’s smirk. He looked back at me with a blank stare, which I ignored and turned to Michelle, “you too.
“We really have been working hard on this, guys. It’s gonna be great. Anyone know where Julie is?” I asked quietly.
“She’s not in the cabin?” Mindy asked.
“She wasn’t, no,” I contemplated, “when you see her, just let her know about next weekend. If she has questions, she can come find me or Jeff.”
Everyone nodded but remained silent. I glanced at Jon, but couldn’t read his expression.
“See you guys in class,” I walked away with a wave.
Julie
It had been a warm day (for the Pacific Northwest especially), and I was sick of being inside but still couldn’t face being around people voluntarily. I didn’t know how long I had been lying on my back in the woods, looking up through the leaves, but it was getting cold and the light was thinning. I didn’t want to get up yet, the only word I could think of was lethargic. I was sad, sure, but my mind was so empty—it almost felt like I was on something. But I wasn’t, because every now and again I felt that pain. The feeling of loss.
When that happened, I blanked my mind and willed it away. I couldn’t think about what happened with Jon. I couldn’t think about the void left behind. It was too much to process.
I heard a rustling off in the distance but paid it no mind. I knew there was nothing in these woods to hurt me. Then it came closer and turned into muffled footsteps on the forest floor mixed with male voices.
I didn’t know how close they were, voices carried in the empty woods, but I stayed cemented in place, willing myself not to move. As they approached, I could tell the voices belonged to Jon and Chris. My stomach jumped and I felt a surge of adrenaline, momentarily pushing away the sloth I felt.
“Jon, you have to stop fucking around and make up your mind. You’re actually hurting someone else in the process, dude,” Chris said.
“I told you, I needed time to think. And I think I made up my mind, Chris,” Jon responded. I didn’t know exactly what they were talking about, but the sinking feeling in my heart and in my stomach told me that I was the topic of convo.
“You can’t just break up with her Jon. She tells you the truth, granted not in the best way, but the girl fucking tells you the truth, and you dismiss her on that? You’re fucked up.”
Their voices had reached their crescendo as they moved passed the spot I lay and I willed them not to find me.
“It was different before!” Jon cut in, “this is all….”
“Dude, I
don’t care what you think. You know it’s wrong. How could you demand the truth and then say, well! That’s too much for me to handle, see ya!”
“Chris, this has nothing to do with you. And the fact that you care so much is pissing me off."
"You mean the fact that I seem to care more about your girlfriends feelings than you do? Funny how..."
I couldn’t hear the end of Chris’s remark as their voices faded back to silence but it undoubtedly pissed Jon off. My blood pumped in my ears, making me lightheaded. The dam finally broke and the sadness finally flooded my body wiping away all numbness. I knew it would eventually.
Jason
Mindy and I had been studying in the cafeteria since dinner finished, “I need a break, Davies. I can’t concentrate on this shit anymore.”
I glanced at Mindy’s notebook and noticed there were as many doodles in the margins as notes on the page. She needed a break too.
“Ok,” Mindy said, putting her pen down and brushing her hair away from her face. I watched as she dropped her head back and slowly pulled her hair back into a ponytail. I suddenly wished that I could sleep with her like we used to back home. I missed those nights where I slept on her floor, the sound of her light breathing lulling me to sleep. Granted, I wouldn’t be able to sleep on the floor anymore.
I hated playing this slow game with Mindy, but I couldn’t move too fast or I’d scare her off. I had to settle for the slow but it took every ounce of self-control I had.
“What’s up?” Mindy asked. I realized that I’d zoned out when I noticed her staring at me.
“What do you think about Parent’s Weekend?” I asked. I figured it was something that had been on her mind since Lena told us.
“I don’t know,” Mindy said with a shrug. I knew Mindy and I know how introverted she was about certain topics. She would open up to me, but she had to do it on her own. She couldn’t be pushed.
Unsound (Horizons #1) Page 22