“I’m nervous,” I admitted to her, “I have no idea who’s coming. I would have assumed no one.”
“I wish I had no one,” Mindy said quietly before looking at me in horror, “I’m sorry, Jay! I didn’t mean that.”
“No, don’t apologize,” I said. I knew the relationship she had with her parents; I knew what they did to her. Her words didn’t bother me and I would never blame her for her feelings. I stood and stretched before walking around the table and sliding on the booth next to Mindy, straddling it so I could face her.
Mindy shrugged again and avoided eye contact, “I don’t want to see them. I’m not…”
“You’re not ready,” I offered, sliding a hand on her thigh. I sensed Mindy tense, but I didn’t retract my hand. I wanted her to get used to my comfort, get used to the idea that I was there for her. I rubbed my thumb back and forth over her jeaned leg.
“You’re allowed to not want to see them. Why don’t you tell Jeff that? Or Lena? They can talk to them; tell them the truth or lie, whatever. But they’ll change it. They’ll tell them not to come.”
Mindy shook her head, “no,” she said with resolve, “If they want to come, who am I to say no?”
“You don’t have to be tough, you know. You don’t have to teach them a lesson. You’re allowed to just live and be happy and if staying away from them will do that….”
“I know,” Mindy cut me off defensively.
“Hey,” I said quietly, inching closer to Mindy. She turned my direction slightly and looked at me. I saw the hardness around her eyes melt away as she looked at me. My face was inches away from her. I knew we were alone, everyone already having given up on homework to relax in the common room.
Mindy looked at me with big eyes and I heard her breathing speed up. I cupped the back of her head and pulled her lips to mine. Our lips met and everything felt right. Mindy relaxed and melted into the kiss. I felt her hand move onto my thigh as she pressed into me, kissing me back with as much vigor as I kissed her.
I wished that I had done this year’s ago; this was how we were supposed to be. Friends wasn’t good enough, friends would never be enough for me again.
Julie
I looked over at the clock. I had an hour until class and I hadn’t been out of bed yet. I had to shower… it was a day or so since I’d had the energy. I hadn’t had an appetite but was forcing myself to eat so no one would ask questions. Unfortunately all that did was give fuel to my upchuck reflex.
Every emotion crashed over me in waves. I cried, then I got angry, then I hurt, and it always ended with throwing up, and more tears. I was empty. I felt betrayed, but I had to work on getting my armor back into shape. I hadn’t talked to anyone because I was scared to cry the second I opened my mouth, but I had to pull it together. Enough was enough and I was done grieving.
I walked to the shower and stepped in, the water felt good, it was refreshing to feel good about something again.
I turned the water off, wrung out my hair, and tied a towel around me. Then I did something uncharacteristic; I walked to the mirror and looked at myself.
I knew what I looked like; I knew I was pretty without having to try. But I didn’t look in the mirror for other reasons. I didn’t want to see myself, see the pain in my eyes. I didn’t want to see the places where the bruises used to be. Sometimes I still imagined a faint outline still marring my skin. Sometimes I could still smell the thick makeup I used to cake on my face to cover up the bruises.
A knock on the front door pulled me out of my head. I walked over to answer it and all the breath escaped me.
JONATHAN
“Hey,” I said. I hadn’t expected her to answer the door in just a towel. This is going to seriously cloud my head.
Julie didn’t say anything. She walked back into the cabin but didn’t close the door on me, which I took as an invitation to enter.
Julie gathered some clothes and escaped to the bathroom to dress. I was glad she disappeared from view so I could compose myself enough to say my peace.
I sat on a bed directly outside the bathroom. It was silent for a beat, but then I heard the sound of the towel drop on the floor. My blood pumped south as a reflex, my mind automatically envisioning her perfect body, naked.
“Listen, Julie,” I said, clearing my throat, “I know you haven’t been around much so I didn’t know if anyone let you know… Parents Week starts Thursday,” I paused, waiting for her to say something but only heard the rustle of clothes.
“I uh, well I’ve been here for a while, so I get a weekend visit partially off campus. I know I just had one, but my dad is coming up again. He wants to take you out to dinner with us… I don’t know. You don’t have to, I just wanted to extend the invite,” I was stammering. I didn’t know why, I didn’t even know why I was there or what I wanted from this.
I had decided the other day that I was done with Julie. I had been doing a great job avoiding her, not that she was around often. Being so close to her again confused me though. I just wanted to go back. Back to Christmas, back to before. Before I knew the truth.
Julie
As I slid my jeans up, I realized I had one option to still come out on top. If I ended it now, I could come out of this with some of my dignity in tact. My next thought was that I didn’t have any dignity left. Worthless. Harry’s voice had been in my head for weeks. He had a point. I had no respect from anyone anymore or for myself. I had lost it but I could get it back.
I walked out of the bathroom and saw Jon sitting on an empty bed looking at his hands. He eventually looked up and started, seeing me leaning on the door jam in front of him, towel drying my hair.
I shrugged, “I don’t know, Jon. That’s probably a bad idea. We shouldn’t… pretend anymore. It was what it was, now it’s over.”
I was getting frazzled; he was too close and it was too much for me. I could smell his body wash and I wanted to climb next to him in bed and hug him and never let go. I needed a cigarette and some fresh air. “I have to go…” I said.
I got my notebook for class, a cigarette and lighter and walked outside, leaving Jon on the empty bed. I had gotten good at leaving him behind. Maybe that was easier than working through anything. Hopefully I could start to move forward from him and keep going despite how horrible I felt.
I thought shutting him down would make me happier, but it didn’t. I couldn’t take it back. It was done. We were done.
I wasn’t sure I would be okay but I just had to keep moving forward.
JONATHAN
I walked over and sat on her bed, looking at the closed door as her scent enveloped me. Julie had left me with disheveled thoughts once again. I was more confused than before. After weeks of thinking about it over and over, I thought that this was what I wanted. I thought I’d feel better if we officially broke up. I didn’t though.
Not even a little bit. I missed her.
I dropped my head into my hands and leaned forward on my knees. I suddenly couldn’t figure out why her past was such a big deal. She was taking care of herself. She was surviving. Julie may have fallen, but she managed to find ways to pick herself up and keep going. She was strong. She was a fighter. Not me. I didn’t have her strength.
Then I remembered the truth. Thoughts of her being with hundreds of men filled my head, reminding me of what she was. There was no sugar coating it, she was a hooker. I didn’t know if anything between us was real. I thought I felt a connection with her but maybe that was all a trick. Maybe it was better to live in the lie forever.
I sat for a while, my thoughts going back and forth like a tennis match. I thought about her strength and her drive but then I thought about the reality. Who does that? What kind of person trades sex for money and drugs? Then I thought back to what Chris said, that I didn’t understand. I was missing a piece to this puzzle. There was a piece that Julie was keeping to herself, something that may help me understand how she got to where she did.
I looked over at Julie’s nightsta
nd, hoping to find what I was looking for. I was hedging on her rushing off to class without her day-planner. I smiled when I saw it there. Maybe I do know her. I shook the confusing thought and flipped the book open. It wasn’t hard to find what I needed—her therapy schedule was a main focus of her daily routine.
Chris was right, I didn’t understand, but Julie also purposely kept me at an arms length all this time. She was always careful not to divulge too much of her past. I felt a flare of anger that Chris knew things about Julie. Things she didn’t let me know.
I knew it wasn’t exactly the most ethical way to find out the truth, but at this point, I figured morals were shot to hell anyway.
* * *
It was the second group therapy session I came to eavesdrop on that week and I didn’t want anyone to see me. I knew I wasn’t allowed to drop into a session that wasn’t mine, I didn’t know what Jeff would do if he found out. I opened the back door a crack so I could watch everyone walk in. The room was filling with females who I now knew were all sexually abused.
The second Julie walked through the front door I felt the air change. I sensed Julie before I saw her, but once I did; I couldn’t take my eyes from her. She was beautiful as ever, but she looked so sad. I knew I was a reason for that sadness. She sat in the last row and sank low in her seat. She looked scared, I could see her hands shaking before I realized it was her entire body. I wondered if she had been eating; the harder I looked, the more thin and drained she looked. I hadn’t noticed that before, but I should have—she hadn’t been eating meals with the group.
Guilt filled my gut. I was a selfish bastard.
The instructor was a woman I had only seen on campus once before at Julie’s last therapy session. She was a beautiful, tall, slim black woman and her eyes fixed directly on Julie today.
“Ms. Thompson… you know what today is.”
“Yeah I’m just waiting for lighting to strike and kill me,” Julie responded. When the girls stopped giggling around her she continued, “Can I at least do this from here, I just… haven’t felt like myself this week, I’m a little under the weather.”
“Sure,” the instructor said as she grabbed a seat herself. No one looked back at Julie as she gathered her thoughts. I didn’t typically have group therapy sessions, but I still understood how hard it was to uncover the past. The other girls clearly respected that.
“I… I don’t know where to start, um…” Julie’s voice was shaky, “You know, I can talk about my anorexia and quitting dance like it was nothing. Getting date-raped by my first boyfriend barely registers as a defining life event… I know that’s fucked up, but I hadn’t even remembered that it happened until recently.
“I even recently discussed my years of getting raped, which was hard, but talking about those months I spent on the streets… it bothers me to even think about it. It disgusts me. I disgust myself.”
Raped? Julie never spoke to me about that. She mentioned the ex, but never once did she bring up another situation.
“I never saw myself doing drugs. Even when I was doing drugs, it was never for the high; it was for the numbness I knew I could feel after. I didn’t want to feel joy; I didn’t want to have fun. All I wanted was to feel nothing. I thought that I deserved nothing… and you know? Recently, I finally felt like that’s not true, that maybe I do deserve more… that I am a good person. But that feeling didn’t last long,” Julie paused as her voice cracked with emotion.
“What do you mean by that Julie,” the instructor prodded.
Julie couldn’t fight back the tears, and she didn’t try anymore, I felt my heart twisting, “I just… I finally met someone who was different. I fought so hard to keep men at a distance. But I let this one in and ugh, what’s that expression… he built me up? That’s a fleeting feeling. When you build yourself up it just allows you to fall harder. I’m just mad at myself for letting him in, letting him see me, or maybe it’s my fault, for not laying it all out on the table from the get go. I guess I didn’t really let him see me. I let him see an image of me. And when the truth finally came out, my baggage was too much for him to handle and accept me as me.”
The twisting in my heart spread down to my gut. I now understood the expression “gut wrenching.” I couldn’t quite see Julie’s face, but I closed my eyes and saw her sitting there, tears streaming freely down her face. I wished I could touch her face, gently wipe away the tears, take it all back, take away her pain.
“How do you accept that this was part of your life to the point that you can go on and tell people about it? Oh yeah, I used to be a hooker… I used to blow rich married men in their cars before they went home to their pilled-out wives. I used to get raped weekly by my pimp who would beat the shit out of me if I didn’t know exactly what he wanted—which was different every time.
“I wouldn’t love me anymore either. Hell, I’ve never loved myself. I judge myself every day. I have to live with this every day.”
I couldn’t listen anymore. Hearing her speak about random men she was with made it so much harder to accept. I couldn’t listen to details of what she did. It was disgusting. At the same time, I wanted to hold her and tell her I was sorry and make it all better.
I didn’t know how that was possible though.
As quietly as I could, I pushed the door open and slipped out unnoticed.
* * *
The next day I woke up early and hopped in the shower. My dad was coming and I couldn’t wait to see him. As I got dressed, my nerves flared. I was excited but anxious. I was still so torn about Julie and I didn’t want my father to find out the truth.
I walked to the cafeteria, wanting to eat breakfast before my dad got there. When I walked in, I immediately saw the man sitting at the Mountain Climbers table talking to Jeff. I felt my mouth split into a grin. It was great to see my father. There was still some guilt that I turned his life upside down with the truth about Claire, but I felt like things were getting back to normal between us.
I reached the table and was immediately pulled into a tight embrace. I hugged my dad and chatted with him as we sat down.
Instinctively, my head turned as Julie entered the mess hall. I (sort of) knew what my mind thought about her, but my body reacted differently every time she was near. My pulse still quickened and my breath still caught when I glimpsed her stunning beauty.
I must have looked at her for a moment too long because I felt the nudge from my father, as he said quietly in my ear, “She really is something, alright.”
“Stop,” I said, holding up a hand up to my dad. I knew Julie was a dime but I didn’t really need to hear my father agree. We already had too much incest in the family pool. I also didn’t want to tell my father what was going on. I realized then that I had to keep the truth from him. After all we’d been through, he was proud of me again. I didn’t want to ruin that.
“Here’s the rest of the gang!” Mike said loudly.
“Dad…” I saw the rest of the group trickle into the mess hall and looked around for Julie. I didn’t see her. I decided to use my group members as a distraction so I could find her and talk.
Julie
As the group walked over to the table, I walked outside with a bagel. I saw Jon’s dad and couldn’t face the situation. My mom was due any minute and I wanted to make sure to eat, but at the same time, didn’t want to talk to anyone.
I wasn’t sure how long I could avoid everyone, but I was going to try my hardest to hold out until after this weekend from hell concluded.
I sat on a bench outside, picking at the bagel. I really didn’t have an appetite; I was too upset, too raw, and too empty. But the last thing I needed was for mom to see me looking skinny and bring up another slew of issues and baggage from the past.
My mind wandered back to the mess hall. Two months ago I would have sat next to Jon, his hand on my leg under the table. I would smile and charm his father, maybe with a hint of a flirtation. He would love me… Jon would still love me.
But that was the fake life. The one that I didn’t deserve and the one where only half of my history was on the surface.
A shadow fell over the table and I looked up.
“Hey Jules,” Jon said quietly. He looked uncomfortable. He didn’t really know what to say; neither did I.
“Hey yourself. What are you doing out here, isn’t your dad inside?” I asked.
“So you did see us…” Jon said with a cringe, immediately regretting it, “I just, I wanted to say, I’m Sorry. I was really selfish and I acted wrong.”
“You’re not getting an argument from me,” I muttered. It was a natural reaction to act standoffish. I was confused. I wasn’t relieved or happy by Jon’s declaration; something just didn’t feel right about it.
“I miss you, Julie,” Jon said as he sat down across from me. He lifted his hand as if to put it over mine, but then he thought differently and ran his hand through his hair. “Listen, I heard that your mom is coming. My dad really wants to take you and her out to dinner. He wants to get to know you better. It would mean a lot to him.”
Jon looked at me, but not in my eyes. He was pleading with me but there was something missing in his apology. Sincerity. I didn’t have the energy or willpower to argue or ask questions. I looked down to stare at my hands. If I looked at Jon, I might have cried. I didn’t think I could be more hurt by Jon, but he accomplished it with this conversation. I think I felt disappointment most of all.
“Are you going to say anything?” Jon asked. I looked up and we locked eyes. Something passed between us and Jon reached across the table and touched my hand, “It’s okay, you don’t have to give me an answer right now.
“But, Julie, I really do miss you. I miss being with you. Can’t we just forget about the last couple of weeks and try to move forward? We can pretend it didn’t happen,” Jon offered. I couldn’t respond. I think he might have thought his words were fixing things. They only hurt me that much more.
Unsound (Horizons #1) Page 23