The Color of a Dream

by Julianne MacLean

  I turned in my chair. “According to my parents, she’s a physicist and they said Rick left his job and moved out of LA. They bought a house in Sacramento.”

  Diana’s eyes nearly popped out of her head. “Sacramento? Rick is living in Sacramento?”

  I nodded and Nadia continued to pace. We were all quiet for a long moment.

  “Maybe he really has changed,” Diana suggested.

  Nadia and I both looked at her like she’d grown a second head.

  “Either way,” she said, “we have to prepare ourselves. If he can suddenly present himself as the perfect father, we need to make sure you’re the perfect mother.”

  Nadia sat down on the sofa and bounced Ellen on her knee. “I’m hardly that. You know I have a very big flaw.”

  She and Diana, identical twins on opposite ends of the sofa, shared an intimate look.

  “Because you had a heart transplant?” I asked.

  They each turned to me.

  “You know about that?” Nadia asked.

  I nodded. “My parents told me. And I’m pretty sure that’s Rick’s strongest argument against you.”

  “Of course it is.” Diana seemed unsurprised.

  Nadia stared at me with regret. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about that.”

  “No worries,” I replied. “You only just met me.”

  Diana stood and reached her arms out to Ellen. “Hey cutie pie, how about some supper?” She settled Ellen on her hip, then ventured toward the kitchen. “Why don’t you two have a conversation about that? I’ll feed Ellen and put her to bed.”

  With that, she left us alone.

  We sat for a moment, staring at each other in silence. “Want to go for a drive?” I suggested.

  “Sure,” Nadia replied. “Just let me put on some shoes.”

  Chapter Forty-one

  “I should have told you about the transplant,” Nadia said as we pulled away from the curb, “but I didn’t want you to feel sorry for me.”

  “Sorry for you?” I laughed at that. “Trust me, that’s not what I’m feeling at all.” I turned right at the corner and headed toward the Charles River Esplanade. “I’m amazed that you’re alive, that you went through all of that and had Ellen, and now you’re dealing with this custody case. What I really think is that you must be made of something incredibly…durable.”

  “Durable?” Nadia chuckled. “You see? This is exactly what I was trying to avoid, because no woman wants an attractive man to think of her as durable.”

  I kept my eyes on the road. “So you think I’m attractive…”

  She laughed. “You’re all right.”

  I smiled and pressed on the gas.

  “So what happened?” I finally asked. “Can you tell me about it?”

  She breathed deeply. “Are you sure you want to know?”

  “I do.”

  We shared a look, then she rolled down the window. “I got sick when I was pregnant with Ellen. I was about five months along. It just seemed like a regular flu virus at first, nothing to be concerned about, but afterward, when I should have been getting better, I felt more and more tired. I was short of breath all the time. I thought maybe it was just the pregnancy because everyone told me it was normal to feel tired, but eventually I ended up in the hospital in heart failure.”

  “God…”

  She nodded. “What I had is called myocarditis and it’s not that uncommon. The virus attacks the heart muscle, so it had nothing to do with me eating fatty foods or not getting enough exercise. My heart was in perfect working order before that. It was just a run of bad luck, made worse by the fact that I was pregnant which took more of a toll on my body. But we were incredibly lucky, Ellen and I. I was able to hang on long enough for them to deliver her by C-section. Then I got lucky again with a donor heart that became available not long after. That was just under a year ago. Now I’m doing pretty well.”

  I glanced at Nadia in the passenger seat and though I didn’t intend it, my gaze raked over the full length of her body. “You certainly look great.”

  Her expressive eyes shone in the pale light of the evening. “Shameless flatterer.”

  Something intense sparked between us, and nothing could have lessened my attraction to her—not a heart transplant, not the fact that we barely knew each other, and especially not my brother who still managed to maintain a cruel hold on her from miles away. If anything, that made me want to help her even more.

  With that thought, I wondered—with more than a little unease—what was happening here, exactly?

  There was no question that I had feelings for Nadia. How could I not? She was articulate, interesting and gorgeous. I could barely think straight when she was around and when she wasn’t, all I wanted to do was find a way to be with her again.

  But I also wanted to make sure Rick didn’t destroy her like he destroyed Angela.

  So was this about Rick, then? Would I still be here—would I be so drawn to this wounded woman—if it was some other man suing her for custody of their child? Or would I be running for the hills?

  Dreams

  Chapter Forty-two

  Nadia

  For me, the world came into focus on that hazy summer evening when Jesse took me driving and I told him about my heart transplant. That was the night I knew something extraordinary was truly happening between us and it wasn’t just my imagination.

  The whole interior of his car lit up with electricity every time we looked at each other. He asked intimate and caring questions and I quickly came to appreciate that he wasn’t like other men who prefer to play it cool at first.

  To the contrary, Jesse was an open book. He revealed his feelings to me in ways no other man ever had on a first or second date. I suspected he wouldn’t be afraid to leap into a serious relationship right away. In fact, I believe, in those early days, that he desperately wanted it—that he felt he had loved and lost enough for one lifetime. I sensed that he craved permanence. When I was with him, I never felt I had to worry about coming on too strong, nor did I have to play games. He wanted to know everything about me that night. It continues to surprise me, as I look back on it.

  Because for a man who wanted permanence and love to last a lifetime, I was, without a doubt, completely wrong for him.

  * * *

  “Would you have married Rick if he’d proposed?” Jesse asked after we parked the car and began to stroll along the bank of the Charles River. The sun was just setting and the sky glowed with a mixture of pinks and blues.

  “You mean when I told him I was pregnant?” I gestured to a green painted bench where we sat down to watch the sailboats go by.

  Jesse rested an arm along the back of the bench and waited for me to answer the question, but I really had to think about it. Not that I didn’t already know the answer. I did, but I had to figure out how to articulate it.

  Turning on the bench to face him, I was briefly distracted by the absorbing blue color of his eyes and the handsome contours of his face. The longer I knew him, the more attractive he became. I needed to keep my head, however, so I looked down at my hands in my lap.

  “It’s not easy to admit this,” I replied, “but I think I might have said yes if he proposed. Not because I loved him or believed he would make a good husband or father. After what happened with Diana and me I didn’t believe that at all, but I was alone and afraid and I wanted to take good care of my baby. Your brother had money, and that, on its own, might have been enough to sway me. It would have been a mistake, of course, and I’m sure I would have regretted it.”

  “Really?” he asked. “Would you regret it now if it meant you wouldn’t be fighting a custody battle?”

  “I would have had to fight one eventually,” I told him. “It just would have been mixed in with a divorce.”

  He gazed out at the water and nodded. “How long were you together?”

  “Not that long. Only a few months and I still blame myself for the fact that we ended up together at all. I�
��m not proud of it because he was with Diana before. I’m the reason they broke up.”

  “Is that true?”

  “Yes, but you have to understand where I was coming from. I’d had a rough life until that point. I started out in foster homes, then I was adopted, but my dad wasn’t a model parent. My mom died later, so when I met Rick I had no family, except for Diana, who I’d only just met. When he poured on the charm, I wasn’t equipped to deal with it or turn him down. Like I said, I’m not proud of what happened and I thank God every day that Diana was able to forgive me.”

  We were quiet for a long moment while joggers ran by us and boats sailed slowly toward the mouth of the harbor.

  “Have you ever thought about forgiving Rick for the things that happened between you?” I asked.

  Jesse turned his body to face me again. “I’m surprised to hear that question from you of all people, because when it comes to Rick you have so much to lose.”

  “I do,” I replied, “and I’m not suggesting that I intend to play nice and throw in the towel. But I also believe that people can change, especially when they face certain…realities in life.”

  “You mean death.”

  I nodded and lowered my gaze. “It opens your eyes.”

  He sat quietly, as if reliving different memories from his childhood.

  “He and I were always so different,” Jesse said. “I’m honestly not sure if his eyes can be opened. He’s seen death before but it made no difference. It didn’t soften him.” He paused. “There’s a lot of water under the bridge.”

  “Yes, but you were both young when those things happened. A person can learn a lot in ten years, especially when the death you’re facing is your own. I’m sure you’ve changed, too.”

  “Not that much,” Jesse said. “I was always too sensitive for my own good. But this isn’t about me; it’s about Rick and it wasn’t that long ago that he sent you away. Was he by your side when you had your surgeries? I doubt it. Did he offer any support? Did he offer to take care of Ellen?”

  “He’s offering that now,” I reminded him.

  Jesse shook his head and I could see that he was nowhere near ready to forgive his brother. “Offering is a very polite word for it.”

  “Maybe you’re right,” I replied with a heavy sigh. “At the end of the day, I don’t know what we’re dealing with, but I don’t want to burn any bridges either. If we’re going to have to share custody of Ellen, I want to do that as peacefully as possible.”

  Jesse looked at me intently. “You do sound like you’re giving up before you’ve even begun to fight.”

  “Maybe.”

  “Don’t you believe it’s possible that the judge might rule in your favor? That he could just award Rick visitation rights or something?”

  I considered it. “I’m a single mother with serious health problems. So maybe I’m the selfish one, wanting to keep Ellen all to myself. Maybe she’d be better off with a mother and a father who will be around when she graduates from high school or when she walks down the aisle.”

  “You’ll be around for those things,” Jesse said, cupping my chin in his hand.

  “How do you know?”

  He stroked my cheek with his thumb and I wanted to melt into his arms.

  “I guess I’m an optimist,” he said with an encouraging smile. “Or maybe I should say I have a gut feeling.”

  I wet my lips. “Diana always tells me never to ignore a gut feeling. She also keeps reminding me that there are new inventions in medical science every day, and who knows what might be available ten years from now?”

  “Exactly.” He lowered his hand and sat back.

  I shut my eyes and breathed in the fresh scents off the water. “Maybe we should head home,” I said. “Diana might want to see Jacob tonight.”

  We both stood up and I was filled with pleasure when Jesse took my hand.

  “I still plan to help you,” he said. “I’ll try to talk sense into Rick. I’ll call him.”

  The warmth of his hand around mine made my whole body tingle. “I’m happy you want to help me,” I said, “even though I don’t really understand why.”

  His eyes smiled at me. “You don’t? How could you not?”

  A wave of pure elation washed over me, and for once I let myself dream of a long and happy future that might be possible after all.

  Chapter Forty-three

  The following day, I fell asleep on the sofa while Ellen napped. During the nap I had another flying dream.

  This was the first time I’d dreamed of flying during daylight hours. It was a unique experience in comparison as I soared over a vast evergreen forest in the rain. Gray thunderclouds hung low in the sky and sharp stinging raindrops pelted my cheeks. My heart began to pound with fear as a gust of wind came out of nowhere and knocked me off balance—if balance was the right word for it. I banked to the right and accidentally flipped over onto my back. I had to kick my legs and struggle to flip back around.

  The chill of the foggy air reached my bones, like fingers of death. Soon I began to shiver as I continued to venture forward over unfamiliar territory, so far from home.

  I woke in a panic, drenched in sweat, clutching my chest, gasping for air. To my surprise, rain was pelting the window next to me and I felt somewhat reassured. It really had been a dream, nothing more. I’d simply heard the rain against the glass while I slept. There was no need to read anything more into it.

  As I rose to my feet, however, I thought about what Jesse had read on the Internet about the meaning of flying dreams and it made sense that I’d had a more frightening experience this time. Because of what was happening with Ellen, I no longer felt quite so secure. I’d been on top of things before with my improved health and the joy of watching her grow, but now my happy life was threatened. It felt like I was no longer in complete control of my destiny.

  No wonder the wind flipped me over. It was probably a sign of things to come. A Rick-storm on the horizon.

  Ellen began to cry so I went upstairs to change her diaper. I was in the middle of the task, reaching for a wipe when the phone began to ring. I had no choice but to ignore it. Hopefully, whoever was calling would leave a message or call back later if it was important.

  Chapter Forty-four

  Jesse

  I couldn’t remember the last time I’d flown in weather as bad as that. The rain was relentless, showering the helicopter windshield like spray from a fire hose. The wind also didn’t help matters any. As my co-pilot and I flew higher up the ridge toward the cabin—which we hoped would be visible in the fog—I felt the engine shudder beneath my grip on the cyclic stick.

  Before long we spotted the hunter who had fallen into a ravine not far from the cabin. We hovered dangerously low while lowering a basket to retrieve him. Both his legs were broken and we weren’t sure about his spine. It was dicey, but the medics secured him on a board and we delivered him safely to the hospital.

  Afterward my co-pilot and I flew over the city, back to the hangar where I filled out my report. There were no more calls before the end of my shift and I was thankful because it felt like one of those days—the kind when you begin to question how long your luck will hold out before it takes a sharp turn south.

  When I arrived home the first thing I wanted to do was call Nadia, just to hear her voice, but I’d promised her I would call Rick today. I wanted to do that for her first. So I made a pot of coffee to help draw the chill out of my bones. Then I dug my brother’s number out of my wallet.

  * * *

  There were a number of reasons why I felt sick to my stomach when I dialed the number and listened to it ring once…twice…then three times in my ear.

  I hadn’t spoken to Rick in a decade. The last time we spoke I may have broken his nose. He’d since had cancer. And now he was trying to take a child away from her mother.

  Just before the forth ring someone picked up on the other end. “Hello?”

  It was a woman.

  The fia
ncée most likely.

  She sounded young.

  “Is Rick there?” I asked.

  “Yes, just a moment.” She sounded overly cheerful, like a character out of The Sound of Music, singing about her favorite things.

  I braced myself for the deep timbre of Rick’s voice, which I hadn’t heard since the day we fought like a couple of mangy dogs in his musty LA apartment.

  “Hello?”

  My fists clenched. “Rick? It’s Jesse.”

  There was a long pause and I heard the creak and click of a door closing. “Hi,” he said. “Mom told me you might call.”

  I sat down. “Yeah. She was surprised to hear from me.”

  “I’m surprised, too,” Rick said. “But I’m glad. It’s good to hear your voice, Jesse. I mean that.”

  He sounded nothing like his old self. First of all, the Rick I remembered would never say anything so generous and sentimental to me. There was also a shaky quality in his voice that I’d never heard before. Was he actually torn up?

  “It’s good to hear your voice, too.” It seemed the right thing to say.

  “So I guess Mom told you about my cancer scare,” he said.

  “Yeah. I was sorry to hear about that. You’re doing okay now though?”

  “I’m doing really well,” he replied. “Actually, better than ever. That may sound crazy to you—to anyone who hasn’t gone through what I have—but when something like this happens to you, sometimes you’re almost grateful for it. It opens your eyes… You know.”

  My stomach dropped because those were the exact words Nadia had spoken when we sat on the bench by the river.

  Suddenly I felt like an outsider to this experience they shared—an experience I knew nothing about.

  Well, maybe not nothing. In my line of work, I saw things on a daily basis that most people never see.

  But still, I felt a twinge of jealousy to think that Rick and Nadia had a mutual understanding of something so profound.