The Color of a Dream

by Julianne MacLean

  “I don’t understand,” I said, my eyebrows pulling together as I frowned. “What did he decide?”

  Diana squeezed my hand and took a breath. “He awarded full custody to Rick and Christine. You have virtual and supervised visitation rights only.”

  Her words sank slowly into my consciousness, but my brain shoved them out. “No. That can’t be right.”

  “I’m sorry, Nadia.”

  I shook my head at her. “No, that can’t be what happened. I’m Ellen’s mother. They can’t just take her away from me.”

  Diana continued to hold my hand, no doubt giving me time to digest what she had told me.

  I lay there in a cloud of disbelief, wondering again if this was a nightmare from which I couldn’t wake—a nightmare that began when I caught that virus that destroyed my heart. It just kept going on and on, week after week, month after month.

  “I must be cursed,” I said. “No one can be this unlucky in a single lifetime.”

  Though, to be fair, I’d had my share of good luck, too. Especially lately.

  But not today.

  “I don’t understand how that could have happened,” I said, “how any judge could be that unfair. And where were you? Where was Bob? Was no one representing me this morning?”

  “I was there,” Diana replied, “and Bob did everything he could. He fought hard, but none of it mattered. It was almost as if Judge Cassidy had his mind made up before we even got there, and I’m sure the result would have been the same whether you were there or not. I know it’s unprofessional for me to say this, but he’s an ass. And Rick’s lawyer didn’t have any official diagnosis about what happened to you last night, but he kept hammering away at the fact that you’re vulnerable to illness and this proved it, and that Ellen needs to be in a more stable environment. The judge agreed.”

  “But surely if I hadn’t been sick…” I argued, “if I’d been there on time this morning he would have ruled differently. Don’t you think?”

  Diana shook her head. “I don’t know.”

  “Did Bob remind the judge that Rick had cancer last year?” I asked. “Did he hammer the fact that Rick wasn’t perfectly healthy either?”

  “He did,” Diana replied, “but the judge congratulated Rick on his recovery.”

  “What about my recovery?” I shouted. “I have a new heart for pity’s sake. I went to hell and back.”

  Diana bowed her head. “I know. You’ve fought so hard and have come so far. You don’t deserve this.” We sat quietly for a moment while my thoughts spun through all the logistics.

  “Supervised visits?” I said. “Virtual visits? What does that even mean? And will Rick and Christine be allowed to take Ellen to California? When will I be able to see her, and how often?”

  Instead of answering my questions, Diana said, “Don’t worry, we’re going to fight this.”

  “Don’t worry!” I laughed bitterly. “How can I not worry?”

  My agitation caused the beat of my heart to accelerate and the fluid in my lungs sent me into a coughing fit.

  Diana helped me sit up. A nurse came in to check on me, but I was able to stop coughing on my own and she left.

  After all that, I realized I hadn’t even asked the question I should have asked as soon as I opened my eyes.

  My heart… What was wrong with it? Was this the end?

  I lay back on the pillows and stared up at the white ceiling. “Maybe the judge is right,” I said. “Maybe it’s better this way.”

  “What are you talking about?” Diana asked reproachfully.

  “Maybe it would be best if Ellen didn’t get too attached to me. She’s so young and what if something happens to me when we’re alone? No child should have to lose a mother. Maybe I am being selfish. Maybe I should be thankful that Rick is willing to take her.”

  “Are you insane?” Diana scolded. “Say something like that again and I’ll tell the nurse to send you straight to the psych ward.”

  “But it’s true,” I said. “If I’m in heart failure again it’s only a matter of time before—”

  “Stop it right now,” Diana said, “because you’re not in heart failure, you turkey head.”

  I blinked a few times. “I’m not?”

  “No. Your heart’s fine. It’s working great. Better than great. You have pneumonia and Dr. Reynolds said it’s a fairly mild case. But you were very agitated last night and you fainted after you called 911. That’s why they had to sedate you. You just need to rest up and he’s going to adjust your medications.”

  Sitting up, I shook my head. “But I had a rash on my arm…”

  “They looked at that too and they think it might be an allergic reaction. They want to know what sunscreen you’ve been using.”

  I blinked up at the ceiling. “Sunscreen…? I’m not dying?”

  “No, you’re going to be okay.”

  I covered my face with my hands. “Well, that’s great, but why did this have to happen now? Of all nights…”

  “It wasn’t the best timing,” Diana said, “I’ll give you that.”

  I looked up. “When are they supposed to take Ellen?”

  Diana bowed her head and sighed. “Oh Lord, Nadia. I wish I could tell you something different, but they’ll be picking her up tomorrow morning.”

  My eyes nearly popped out of my head. “What?”

  “They’re flying back to Sacramento on Sunday.”

  The fatigue that had plagued me over the past week was swept away on a flood of adrenaline that catapulted me to my feet. I yanked the IV tube out of my hand.

  “You shouldn’t do that,” Diana said, also rising to her feet.

  “I can’t be here right now,” I explained. “I have to find Jesse and go home.” I hurried to the closet. “Are my clothes in here?”

  “Yes, but you haven’t been discharged.”

  “I’ll sign myself out. They can’t force me to stay.”

  While I picked up the bag that contained the pajamas I was wearing when I called 911 last night, I let out a huff of frustration and headed to the bathroom to change.

  I could feel Diana wanting to follow me inside. “You’re not going to do anything stupid are you?”

  “Like what?” I shut the bathroom door in her face.

  “Like suddenly decide to take Ellen on an extended vacation to Mexico?”

  I rolled my eyes as I stepped into the silk polka dot pajama bottoms and pulled on a pair of socks. “Don’t be ridiculous.”

  I had to stop to cough, then I pulled on the pajama top and fastened the buttons.

  “Are you okay?” Diana asked through the door. “What are you planning?”

  “I told you, I’m going to find Jesse so that we can take Ellen home.” I opened the bathroom door. “Then I’m going to call Rick and do what I should have done ages ago.”

  “What’s that?” she asked.

  “Beg.”

  “It won’t make any difference,” she said.

  “How can you be so sure?” Diana followed me to the bedside stand where I picked up my cell phone and checked the messages.

  “Because Jesse already tried talking him out of this,” she said, “and it didn’t do any good. And I tried calling him too. Not as a lawyer, but as your sister.”

  I halted in my tracks. “You didn’t tell me that.”

  She shrugged. “I had to try.”

  “Well,” I said, pulling my hair into a ponytail, “I guess that means it’s my turn to try. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, right?”

  I walked out to the nurses’ station and asked to be discharged.

  Chapter Fifty-eight

  Shortly after we arrived home, Jesse handed me the phone. “Good luck,” he said before backing out of the room and closing the bedroom door behind him.

  I waited until the sound of his footsteps disappeared down the stairs, then I took a deep breath and dialed Rick’s cell phone number. It rang only once.

  “Hello?”

  I swallowe
d uneasily. “Hi Rick? It’s Nadia.”

  There was a long pause before he spoke. “Hey there. Geez, how are you doing? I heard you were back in the hospital last night. Are you okay?”

  “I am,” I replied, relaxing somewhat when I recognized the note of concern in his voice. It took me back to the early days when I first met him, when he was still with Diana. Back then I thought he was the matrimonial catch of the decade…when he’d been so charming. So warm and charismatic. And he’d come to my rescue on more than one occasion. I really believed he cared and that’s why I fell for him.

  Now I refused to believe that he didn’t possess a single shred of humanity. If it was there I was determined to reach it.

  “They sent me home this afternoon,” I continued. “It wasn’t anything too serious. Just a mild case of pneumonia, but obviously bad timing.”

  “Yeah, I guess so,” he said. “I was surprised when you didn’t show up this morning, but I’m glad to hear you’re okay.”

  I closed my eyes with relief and inched back to recline on the pillows.

  “I’m glad to hear you’re okay, too,” I said. “I heard about your health issues. I’m sorry you had to go through that. I know what it feels like.”

  He cleared his throat. “I’m sure you do and I won’t lie. It was rough. And hey…I’m sorry I didn’t send a card or something when you were sick. I should have come to visit you. I regret that I didn’t.”

  His words were music to my ears. I felt a flutter of hope…

  “Please, you don’t have to apologize,” I replied. “We were in a weird place back then, you and me. But everything changes when you have a brush with death, doesn’t it? I find it so much easier not to sweat the little things these days. You realize how important it is just to be happy, to enjoy each moment and live your life the best way you can.”

  “I know exactly what you mean,” he agreed. “I’m not the same guy I was before.” He paused. “Sometimes I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and start my life over, knowing what I know now. But that’s not possible so I just have to keep moving forward. Try to be a better person.” He paused again. “I really hope we can be friends, Nadia.”

  Oh, thank God. My heart swelled with joy and I rose to my feet. “I’d like that, Rick—very much—because I don’t want to lose all the good memories from the time we spent together. You were amazing to me and you helped me so much. Sure, we made some mistakes, but who hasn’t? What matters is that you learn from them. It’s why I’m calling, actually. I’m sure there must be some way to—”

  To my surprise, he cut me off.

  “Listen…” he said. “I’m really glad you called and everything and that we had a chance to talk about this stuff, but please don’t ask me to change my mind about coming to get Ellen tomorrow because that’s not going to happen. I know it’s tough for you and I’m sorry, but the judge made his decision today and it’s for the best. Surely you know that.”

  My heart sank and I felt my nails bite into my palms. “No, I don’t know that because it’s not for the best. She’s my daughter and I love her.”

  “Of course you do,” he replied. “I understand that and I sympathize. But we have to think about what’s best for Ellen and after what happened to you last night, you of all people should know that over the long term she’d be better off with Christine and me.”

  I clenched my jaw and fought the urge to say a few choice words, words I might regret later. Though what I really wanted to do was grab him by the shoulders and shake him until his teeth fell out.

  “She loves me,” I said, “and she’s happy here. This is her home. If you take her away and don’t let her see me, you’ll break her heart.”

  “She’s just a baby,” he argued, “which is why it’s important that we do this now. At this age she won’t even remember the life she had with you in Boston. Judge Cassidy agreed with that line of thinking and if you were thinking of her welfare, not yours, you’d agree, too. But you’re not. You’re only thinking of yourself.”

  “Judge Cassidy agreed because he’s an idiot,” I firmly stated, then I bit my lip in an effort to check myself. “I’m sorry. Please listen. You know what it was like for me being orphaned at birth and separated from Diana. That’s the last thing in the world I want for Ellen and it should be the last thing you want for her, too.”

  Feeling as if I were plummeting into a deep vat of defeat, I sat down on the bed and began to desperately try to negotiate. “I truly believe that Ellen will be better off if we all raise her together and if she isn’t separated from any of us. We can share equal custody. Wouldn’t that be better? Ellen would have four parents who love her instead of two.”

  Rick was quiet for a moment. “You really believe it would be all sunshine and roses with me and Jesse trying to get along raising the same kid? We’d tear each other’s throats out.”

  “She’s not just some kid,” I argued. “She’s our daughter and Jesse loves her. He’d do anything for her and that includes getting along with you.”

  Knowing their history and having this conversation now, I couldn’t imagine any greater sacrifice. But he’d do it. I knew he would.

  Rick let out a weary sigh. “There’s really no point discussing this, Nadia. We’re wasting each other’s time because I’m not going to change my mind. I’m coming to get Ellen tomorrow and if you want to try and take me to court again, that’s your choice, but I hope you’ll just let it go because you know it’s for the best.”

  “Let it go? You really have no idea what it means to love a child, do you?” I squeezed my eyes shut, made a fist and pressed it to my forehead. “Please let me talk to Christine.”

  “She’s not here.”

  “Where is she?”

  “Gone out,” he replied.

  I took a deep breath and counted to ten. “Where are you staying?”

  “I’m not telling you that,” he replied. “And I swear to God, if you try and harass me or Christine you’ll lose your visitation privileges altogether. I’ll get a restraining order if I have to. Just accept the terms of the arrangement and leave us alone.”

  I squeezed my eyes shut again. Diana would shoot me if she could hear this conversation. “Please don’t hang up,” I pleaded.

  Click. The line went dead.

  A few minutes later, after I wiped the tears from my cheeks and cleaned up the broken box of crayons I’d thrown against the wall, I walked out of my bedroom and returned to the living room.

  “You’re right,” I said to Jesse when I found him sitting on the floor with Ellen, playing with a toy. “He hasn’t changed at all.”

  Jesse stood up, walked toward me and gathered me into his arms.

  Chapter Fifty-nine

  I can’t even begin to describe the moments leading up to Rick’s arrival at our door the following morning. It was like facing death all over again—worse, actually.

  I wasn’t surprised that he chose not to bring Christine. Perhaps there was a part of him that was ashamed and didn’t want her to see the emotional horrors that would take place when he took my baby. Or maybe he feared he might end up brawling in the dirt with the estranged brother he hadn’t seen in a decade and didn’t want Christine to witness that.

  Poor Jesse. I knew how difficult it was for him to go outside and teach Rick how to fasten Ellen’s safety seat into the rental car. I wasn’t sure Jesse could manage it without sneaking in a sucker punch, but he maintained his self-control.

  I wrapped Ellen in her blanket and held her on my lap while we watched them from the porch steps.

  I, too, had to fight to keep my composure. “That’s your daddy,” I said, not wanting to cause her any anxiety. “His name is Rick.”

  “Wick,” she repeated.

  “That’s right, but you can call him Daddy.”

  “Daddy.”

  This was something I wasn’t sure my new heart could endure.

  When they secured the car seat, Jesse came to fetch us. “It�
�s time,” he said.

  A vein pulsed at his temple. A muscle twitched at his jaw.

  “I don’t think I can do this,” I said shakily.

  “We have to,” he replied, “but we’ll get her back. I promise. I won’t rest until we do.”

  I rose to my feet and carried Ellen to the car where Rick stood waiting. I felt as if I were climbing steps to an executioner’s block.

  Desperately I glanced to the edge of the yard and wondered how far I could get if I suddenly bolted into the woods. Not far, I knew. Not with these lungs still full of fluid.

  “You’re doing the right thing,” Rick said to me when I reached him.

  I wanted to hit him. “But are you?” I asked with a scowl.

  He didn’t flinch. Not even a single spark of doubt or regret flashed in his eyes.

  Hearing Jesse’s footsteps on the gravel behind me, I forced myself to buckle Ellen into the car seat while struggling to put on a brave face for her. “There we go,” I said cheerfully. “All buckled in.”

  “Buckood in!” she repeated.

  I covered her with her blue blanket and turned to Rick. “She likes to hear a story before bed. I put her favorite book in the suitcase. It’s called Hairy Maclary’s Caterwaul Caper. It’s about a dog. And her blanket is called Ouwix.”

  “Thanks,” he said.

  I had a lump in my throat the size of a kiwi.

  I turned to look down at Ellen in the car seat.

  Was it true? I wondered. Would she really forget me in time?

  She seemed so oblivious to what was happening here. Would she grieve for me as I would grieve for her? Every day for the rest of my life?

  I thought of my biological mother who had died on the day I was born. It hadn’t been a conscious thing, but I knew I had grieved.

  When it was time to shut the car door, I couldn’t do it. I began to tremble and Ellen must have picked up on my feelings because she began to cry. Within seconds she was hysterical.

  “Please, Rick,” I pleaded as he got into the driver’s seat. “Don’t do this.”