“I know.” He turns back to face me. His eyes are tired, his face worn down by the worry and fear.
I can make it all go away, Sam. All the worry. All the fear. I can make it all go away.
“Why did you tell me about Joss? Why did you do that?”
“Because you needed to know. She’s been lying to you, Sam.”
“And what the fuck have I been doing, huh? What have I been doing to her?”
He drops his head, his shoulders sagging. Defeat floods his body, he’s a wreck of a man as he stands in my hallway, trying to understand this mess we’ve created around us. But it can be fixed. It can. In time.
“What do I do, Summer? What the fuck do I do?” He raises his head, his eyes locking on mine.
“Talk to Joss.”
54
Alex
There are times when I wonder why I still live in this house. Maybe I should’ve sold it once we knew Kelli wasn’t coming back. Got rid of the memories. But it was Danny’s home. It still is, his home. He grew up here, in this house. It’s been his home for eighteen years, that’s why I couldn’t sell it. Because there were good memories made here, too. Way more good ones than bad.
Joss wasn’t at the match this evening. Sam said she wanted some time alone, but I still think there’s more to it than that. There’s something wrong, somewhere, I don’t know. I can’t put my finger on it. She says Sam’s behaviour’s been odd of late, but then, so’s hers. Kissing our new headteacher without any real explanation as to why that happened? That isn’t Joss, that isn’t her. And I’m worried. I want her to be happy, and I’m not sure she is. So I’m glad she’s popped round. Glad she’s decided she doesn’t want too much time on her own, I’m not sure that’s a good thing.
“Danny not in?” she asks as she throws herself down on the couch.
“Went out about half an hour ago. He’s gone into town with his mates. Pizza, cinema, pub, that’s his evening sorted.”
She smiles, reaching out for the mug of coffee I’ve just put down in front of her. “Are you taking him to Sweden this summer? Our parents haven’t seen him in months.”
Joss’s mum and dad treat Danny like their own grandchild. He thinks of them as another set of grandparents. And out of all his grandparents they spoil him the most, because they know Joss can’t have a child of her own. So they pile all their love onto Danny, and he loves them back twice as much. Our family may not be conventional, it’s different, but it’s special. And it works.
“I think he wants to skip the family trip back to the homeland this year.”
I sit down beside her, stretch my arms along the back of the couch, swing my legs up onto the table in front of me.
“He’s talking about taking a holiday in Ibiza, with his friends. Before university.”
“Are you okay with that?” she asks, taking a sip of her coffee.
“What kind of a dad would I be if I said no? He’s eighteen years old now, Joss. He’s all grown up. And he’s promised to spend a weekend with all his Swedish grandparents before he heads off to uni, which I’m going to hold him to.”
She smiles, cupping her mug with both hands. She looks tired. Her hair’s a little messed-up, her face devoid of too much make-up, but she doesn’t need make-up. She’s beautiful no matter what.
She takes another sip of coffee and checks her watch. “I should go soon.”
“You’ve only just got here.” I don’t want her to go. I want her to stay for a while. I want to spend some time with her, we very rarely get to be alone.
She sits back against the couch; she looks at me and she smiles. A smile that washes the tiredness away, brings her expression back to life.
“Why don’t we go to Sweden, Alex? Just you and me. We haven’t made a trip over there, just the two of us, in ages and, you know, I’d quite like a bit of us time. What do you think?”
I smile too, at the way her idea has lit up her face, she really wants to do this. So do I.
“This weekend. Let’s go this weekend. It’d be the perfect time, there’s an inset day on Monday so, we’d have an extra day.”
“Won’t Sam mind?”
“Sam’s busy with the schools’ football tournament. Besides, he wouldn’t stop me from going to see Mum and Dad, I haven’t been over there in a while. Certainly not since I was made Deputy Head.”
“You just want to go over there to brag, huh?” I grin and she smiles the widest smile as she kneels up in front of me, she’s like an excited child.
“Yeah, but, we can still have some fun, right?”
“I reckon we could manage that.”
Some time with my best friend. Alone. It’s all I’ve ever wanted…
55
Sam
She’s not even home. She told me she wanted some time on her own and she’s not even here. Has she gone to see Connor? Has she lied to me? Is there really something going on between our new headteacher and my wife? Jesus Christ, is Summer right?
I’m angry. Frustrated. Confused. I don’t know what to fucking think, I just know that something’s changed. And I have no right, no fucking right at all to feel like I’ve been hard done by. If Joss is lying to me, I have no right to stand there and look hurt, not after what I’ve done to her. What I’m about to do to her…
I hear her key in the lock but I stay where I am, my back to the kitchen door, fingers gripping the edge of the countertop. I’m breathing in, out, slowly, slowly. Inhaling deep, exhaling long, low breaths that don’t seem to want to leave my body. They’re catching in my throat, threatening to choke me.
“Sam?”
Her voice, tinged with that Swedish accent despite the fact she’s lived in this country for over two decades now. Even saying my name, that one, short word, I can still hear that accent; remember how fucking sexy I used to find it. Listening to her speak used to give me a hard-on, Jesus, I feel like my whole fucking world is crumbling down around me and there isn’t a thing I can do to stop that from happening now.
I turn around. She stands in the doorway, hands in her pockets, my beautiful girl.
“Where’ve you been?”
She frowns. Did I sound a little too suspicious there? “I’ve been to see Alex.”
I want to believe her, I do, but Summer’s sown a seed now, which I suspect was always her intention. And, yet again, I’m reminded of how trivial this is, compared to what I did. She kissed Connor. I fucked her friend. I can’t win this one.
“What’s the matter, Sam?”
She moves a little further into the room, her hands still in her pockets. Her eyes remain locked on mine, her gaze doesn’t waver, and as I look at her all I see is our life falling apart. Everything we once had, it’s slowly disappearing, slipping away.
“Did you kiss Connor Sloane?”
She holds my gaze as I say those words; ask that question. She holds my gaze, her eyelids don’t even flicker. And she doesn’t need to answer that question now, I can see it, in those ice-blue eyes. I can see it. The truth.
“I’m so sorry, Sam,” she whispers, her face crumpling, and I swear my heart is breaking. It hurts with a pain I can’t describe, how the hell did we get here? To this dark and poisonous place?
“Don’t – don’t be sorry, Joss, I…”
I’m angry. Suddenly I’m filled with the kind of rage I’m not sure I can control. All that anger, all that fear, all that fucking pain, it’s rising to the surface, threatening to spill out of me.
She backs up against the wall, her hands in her hair, she’s scared. Of me?
“It meant nothing, Sam, I promise you. It was just a moment of…”
“Don’t, Joss. Don’t say any more, just – just don’t.”
I need a second. To think. I feel like a cornered rat. Trapped. No way out of the nightmare. So, I need a second, to think.
“Sam…?”
I hold up a hand to silence her. I don’t want her to talk, I don’t want her to explain, I don’t want to hear excuses.
She isn’t listening to me, she isn’t doing what I want her to do. And when I look up she’s walking towards me, and I panic. That fear is all consuming now, filling me, drowning me. I’m being suffocated by all these conflicted feelings. I love her, so fucking much, I thought she loved me, too. But she kissed another man. I love her, and yet, I slept with her best friend. And she needs to know that now. I can’t stand here and be appalled at what she’s done when I’ve done so much worse.
“I slept with Summer.”
The words spill out of me before I’ve even had time to realise I’ve said them. They tumble from my mouth, four little words that are going to feel like the hardest kick to the stomach for Joss. They’re going to hurt her, so bad, so fucking bad.
She stops in her tracks, the colour draining from her face, but her eyes, they stay fixed on mine. And I have no business looking away, I’ve been a coward for too long. I need to face this. Whatever it turns out to be. I need to face it.
“Get out.”
Her voice is quiet, barely audible. Two words, that’s all she utters. Two devastating words. Words that signal the end.
“Joss, listen to me, please…”
It’s my turn to beg. I have no dignity left, I have no right to feel anything other than remorse and regret.
“Get out, Sam.”
She keeps her tone calm. Steady. She doesn’t raise her voice. She doesn’t shift her gaze. She’s telling me straight, she wants me out. So I go. I have no choice. I have nothing left now.
I have everything I deserve.
56
Joss
I hear the words, feel them burn into my brain; feel my stomach twist up, bile rise in my throat. I feel cold. Sick. I don’t feel angry, but I know that will come. Soon. When my husband and my friend’s betrayal finally sinks in. The anger will hit me, soon, so while I’m still numb, still strangely calm, I call Alex. I ask him to come over, and even though he pushes for a reason why I sound the way I do – robotic, almost – I don’t tell him. And he’ll worry, probably drive over here too fast but I can’t tell him over the phone. I can’t tell him what Sam’s just told me, not over the phone. I can’t.
I move around the kitchen in an almost trance-like state. My feet feel heavy, like I can barely lift them from the floor. My arms feel like lead as I pick up the kettle, fill it with water, put it back down and flick it on. I don’t even want a cup of tea I just need to be doing something. Anything. As the kettle boils I go over to the window and I look outside, into the darkness, the sky’s clear and full of stars but the clouds will come. They always do.
I don’t know how long I’ve been standing there when I hear Alex’s key in the door. Of course he has a key to my house, he’s my best friend. He can come and go whenever he likes. I hear him slam the front door shut, stride down the hallway. He’s calling my name, he sounds anxious, but I don’t answer back. I can’t. I don’t know if any words are going to come out, I’m still too numb.
“Joss?”
I turn around, lean back against the counter, folding my arms as I look at him. His face is a mess of panic and fear, I’ve worried him too much.
“Sam slept with Summer.”
I hear the words, but it doesn’t feel like me saying them. It feels like they’re coming from someone else’s mouth, I’m just hearing them.
He comes over to me, pulls me into his arms and he just holds me. My strong, handsome best friend, he just holds me. His arms wrap around me, pulling me against him and I grasp onto his shirt, crumple the soft material between my fingers. My emotions are shifting now, changing. The numbness is receding, and in its place is a pain so raw I can’t stop the howl from escaping. A low, agonising cry that comes from the very pit of my stomach, surges through my veins with a breathtaking speed; wracks my entire body as the tears start to stream from my eyes. And Alex just holds me, he lets me cry it all out. He rocks me in his arms, and as he does so the anger finally starts to creep in. I’d felt guilty, over nothing more than a meaningless kiss, a moment of weakness. Was fucking my friend Sam’s moment of weakness? Was it just the once? More than once? How long have they been lying to me?
The anger’s building now. A red-hot rage fills my belly and I pull away from Alex, start pacing the floor, my mind’s racing.
“Joss, listen to me – Joss!”
I stop pacing and turn to look at him. He’s staying calm, for me, I know he is, because inside he’ll be just as angry as I am.
“What did he say? What exactly did he say?”
“He said he slept with Summer. That’s all he said, I didn’t want to hear any more. I told him to go.”
“He’s gone?”
I nod, I’m trying to steady my breathing, trying to control it.
“Gone where?”
I look at him again. “I don’t fucking care where he’s gone, Alex.”
My phone vibrates on the table, but I don’t want to see who it is. Who the message is from.
Alex checks it, and then he looks at me. He’s silently asking if I want to know what the message says. I don’t. But he sees fit to tell me anyway. “It’s Sam. He wants to talk to you.”
I don’t say anything. I turn away, face the window. I look outside again.
“I need to talk to Summer.”
“Is that a good idea?”
I spin around and glare at Alex. But none of this is his fault, and I remind myself of that, he doesn’t deserve to be used as my sounding board. “I need to talk to her. I need to know what went on.”
I head for the door, but he stops me. He grabs my wrist, holds it firmly, keeping me rooted to the spot. “This isn’t a good idea, Joss. Not right now.”
“What do you want me to do, Alex? Sit down, make some tea, watch a box-set while I wait for the anger to subside?”
“You just need to calm down a bit first. Going in there all guns blazing…”
“My husband has just admitted to fucking my friend. After he accused me of kissing Connor.” I laugh. I can’t help it. The whole situation is so fucking unbelievable. “He stood there, looking all pissed off because he thinks I kissed another man, when all the time he’s been sleeping with my fucking friend. I can’t – I can’t get my head around it. I can’t, Alex. None of it makes any sense, why would they do that to me? Two of the people I love most in the world, and they did that.”
“That’s why you need to wait, Joss. Just give yourself some time to get used…”
“Get used to what, Alex? Get used to the fact I’ve been lied to?” I shake my head, pull my wrist free of his grip, reach out for my car keys on the dresser by the door. “No. I need to talk to her.”
“Joss!”
I’m out the door before he can catch me. Before he can follow me. I don’t want him to follow me, I want to do this alone.
I’m going to find my bitch of a best friend.
And I’m going to talk to her…
57
Alex
I should go after her, but there’s a part of me that wonders what good that will do. Maybe letting her face Summer, when she’s still so angry – maybe that’s what she needs to do. God knows I want to lash out myself. Two of the people I thought loved Joss the most, they hurt her, which means they hurt me, too.
I hear the door open out in the hall and I breathe a sigh of relief. She’s come back. She’s realised that thinking this through first, that’s the better option. But when I turn around, expecting to see Joss in the doorway, I see Sam.
“Alex?”
His expression tells me he wasn’t expecting to see me in his kitchen.
Really, Sam? You tear my best friend’s world apart and you think I won’t be the first person she calls?
“Did she tell you?”
“That you slept with Summer? Yeah. She told me.”
I move towards him. He remains hovering in the doorway, absentmindedly passing his keys from one hand to the other. A nervous action. One he feels he nee
ds to undertake, I’m guessing, because he doesn’t know what else to do, he just has to do something.
“I – I came back to collect some things. A change of clothes…”
My fist connects with his jaw before he can finish the sentence.
He staggers back, crashing into the dresser, causing a couple of plates to fall from the shelves, crash onto the wooden floor in an explosion of shattered china.
“Jesus Christ, Alex…”
I want to kill him. I want to grab him by the throat and squeeze the life out of him, I want him to know how much I hate him for destroying Joss’s world.
“She fucking loved you, both of you, and you do this?”
“It meant nothing, Alex, I swear…”
My laugh is loud, maniacal. Is he fucking kidding me? “You’re really going to stand there and spout all that cliched crap?”
“It’s true. I was weak, I don’t know why I let it go so far…”
I narrow my eyes, watch him as he steadies himself, grabs onto the dresser with one hand while the other cradles his soon-to-be-bruised jaw.
“How long did it go on for, Sam? How fucking long?”
“Six months… Alex, please, I know what I did was wrong…”
I lunge towards him again, but then I stop. I pull back. Is this what Joss wants? What she needs? I want to kill him, I want him wiped from the face of this earth but that isn’t going to help Joss.
“Get your things and get the fuck out of here.”
I step away from him, keeping my eyes on him as he rubs his jaw, moves gingerly away from the dresser, towards the door.
“I never meant to hurt her, Alex. I swear, I don’t know why I…”
“Save me the excuses, Sam. It’s not me you should be talking to.”
He looks around, as though he’s lost something, and then I realise he’s looking for Joss.
“Where is she?” he asks, turning to face me.
“She’s gone out.”
“Where?” He narrows his eyes, I can see panic starting to set in now.
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