You have every right to be worried, Sam. You have every fucking right.
“Has she gone to see Summer?”
He can’t keep the obvious alarm out of his voice now, and the fact he’s so on edge makes me nervous.
“What else have you got to hide, Sam?”
He falls back against the wall. His body language screams defeat, he can’t escape whatever hell he’s made for himself.
“Summer’s pregnant.” His eyes fix on mine. Eyes that have surrendered themselves to this nightmare now. Eyes that are weary and tired and done. “Summer’s pregnant. With my baby.”
58
Summer
I lay the phone down on the table, a slight smile on my face. He told her. He had to. He had no other choice. But he isn’t coming here, he isn’t coming to me, not yet. And that saddens me, but I know I was being unrealistic, expecting too much to think he’d come here so soon after losing Joss. I need to be patient. Give him time to grieve the breakdown of his marriage. Time to realise his perfect princess isn’t quite so perfect anymore. He’ll come to me, in time, once the dust has settled and people have started to accept what we have. That we’re a couple now. That day will come, I just need to be patient.
The slamming of a car door out in the street begs my attention, and I glance out of the window. I see her kick open my gate, stride up my front path; hear her bang on my door, relentlessly.
Bang!
Bang!
Bang!
I’m thankful that Savvi is sleeping over at Grace’s house tonight. I don’t want her to find out about me and Sam like this, but I’ll have to tell her, soon. Before everyone at school finds out. I suspect Millers Bridge could be a very different place once this news gets out.
I let the banging continue for a second or two more before I head into the hall and open the door.
I’m ready for you, Joss. I’m ready for you.
The second she sees me she pushes me backwards, kicks the door shut behind her, so hard it shakes the doorframe. Her hand pushes and pushes against my chest, again and again, pushing, pushing, until I’m backed up against the wall.
“How long, Summer? How long have you been sleeping with my husband?”
I take a second to compose myself; to catch my breath.
I take a second to look at you, Joss, all blonde hair and blue eyes, even anger doesn’t mar your beauty.
“Six months.”
“Jesus Christ…”
She drags a hand through her hair, grasps it tight between her fingers, almost as though inflicting pain on herself will help her deal with the situation.
“Twenty-one years, Summer. Friends, for twenty-one fucking years, does that mean nothing to you?”
“I never meant for this to happen, Joss, believe me.”
And that’s true. I never meant for it to happen. I didn’t plan this. I didn’t want it, I never meant for it to happen. But it did. And we can’t turn back the clock.
“I loved you, like a fucking sister, I loved you so much…”
“I loved you too, Joss…”
That’s also true. I did love you, for all but the past six months of those twenty-one years I loved you, Joss. You were my family. But Sam – he said those things, he made me think, it’s his fault, not mine. His fault this happened. I loved you, once, but I love him more. Your husband…
She shakes her head, her eyes shadowed by sadness and anger, her lips tight together, her fingers still buried in her hair, they’re pulling at it now. “No. No, you didn’t love me, how could you? If you loved me you wouldn’t have slept with him. You wouldn’t have done that. And I don’t know – I don’t know who made the first move, I don’t know how it started, I don’t care. I don’t. I just…” She drops her gaze, her hand falling from her hair, her shoulders sagging. And then she slowly raises her gaze, and this time when she looks at me those ice-blue eyes are steely cold. “You’re not worth it. Neither of you are worth it.”
I watch you go, Joss. I watch you walk away, out of my house and back to your lonely one. Because I know Sam isn’t there anymore. He left. He walked out, or did you tell him to go? Either way, you’re alone now. You’re alone…
59
Alex
How do I tell her, that Summer’s having Sam’s baby? How do I tell Joss something that’s going to break her heart?
It was obvious Summer hadn’t told her. She came back from that confrontation angry, but if Summer had told her, about the baby, then Joss’s reaction would’ve been more than that. It would’ve been more than anger she’d felt.
It makes me sad, to see what Summer has become. Is that what she’s turned into now? The woman who used to love Joss like a sister has now turned into a woman who is willing to hurt her friend in a way that’s almost unthinkable.
I have to tell her. I have to tell Joss, about the baby. I have to tell her, before she hears it from someone else. I have to tell her.
“You don’t have to stay here, Alex. You need to be with Danny.”
She sits down at the kitchen table, starts checking through a pile of books she’s dumped down in front of her. It’s like she’s been working on auto-pilot, since she found out about Sam and Summer, and that worries me.
“Danny’s eighteen years old. He’s more than capable of looking after himself for a while. It’ll be good practice for him for when he goes to university. Besides, I thought, when we get back from Sweden, you could come stay with us.’
She looks at me and raises an eyebrow.
“I don’t need babysitting.”
She has every right to be defensive, but I hate seeing her like this. I hate what Sam and Summer have done to her. I hate how she’s going to feel when I tell her Summer’s having Sam’s baby.
“Are you going into work today?”
“Yes, Alex, I’m going into work today. Sam screwing my best friend doesn’t affect my ability to teach.”
I glance down into my coffee. There’s never going to be a good time to tell her what she needs to know, but just before we head into school?
“What?”
I look at her, frowning slightly. “Sorry?”
“What’s wrong? Because something is. Your face says it all. I can read you, remember?”
She needs to know. We leave for Sweden tonight, a weekend away, just the two of us, and one we need now more than ever. Just one more day to get through before I can get her away from all this shit. Before I get to spend some time alone with my best friend. One more day. I wanted to tell her, when we were alone, back home. I wanted to take her to Hönö Klåva, sit by the harbour, and tell her then. But I can’t risk Sam letting something slip at school, I can’t risk Summer telling her before I have a chance to. This has to come from me.
“Alex?”
“You need to know something, Joss.”
How the hell do I tell her this? I’m about to break her heart, and it’s killing me.
“Need to know what?”
She looks at me, right into my eyes. She trusts me. She’s always trusted me, because I’ve never hurt her. I never would.
“Alex? What do I need to know?”
I sigh, turn my head to look out of the window, I just need a second. “Summer’s pregnant, Joss.” I look back at her. Her blue eyes are ice cold, she knows what I’m going to say. She knows.
“It’s Sam’s, isn’t it?”
I nod, and I watch as she drops her gaze, starts stuffing books into her bag. “Joss…”
“They deserve each other.”
“Joss, hang on!”
I go after her, I can’t let her leave like this.
“Alex, I’m fine.”
“You’re not fine.”
She spins around, fixes me with a look so cold it almost makes me shiver. “Don’t tell me what I’m feeling, Alex. Don’t do that.”
“Just take a few minutes, okay? We’ll go to school together. I’ll drive.”
“Because I’m so distraught I won’t be able to conc
entrate?”
“You have every right to feel this way…”
“Yes, Alex, I have every right to feel this way…” She stops talking, leans back against the wall, drags a hand back through her blonde hair. “I’m sorry.”
I go over to her, pull her into my arms and I hold her. My beautiful best friend. She doesn’t deserve any of this shit, what they’ve done to her, it makes me so fucking angry. All the lies. All the deceit; the betrayal. Nobody deserves that.
“You’ve got nothing to be sorry for, do you hear me?”
She pulls back slightly, and she smiles at me. Just a small smile, and I think she’s forcing it a little, just to humour me. To make me think she’s okay, but she’s not okay. She’s not.
“You don’t have to go in to school, Joss. Connor’s back today, and maybe it’s best if you…”
She reaches for her bag, slips it over her shoulder and opens the front door. “My life isn’t ending because my husband fucked up, Alex. I’m not letting that happen. Come on. We’re going to be late.”
“Joss.”
She turns around and looks at me. And she may be able to hide it from everyone else but I can see it, the pain, it’s there in her eyes, so strong I can feel it too. Because I know her, better than anyone. I know her. And I know what this is really doing to her.
“I’m okay, Alex.”
And she will be. For now. She’ll get through today, in whatever way she can. She won’t fall apart, not yet. But if she wants me; if she needs me, I’ll be there. To put her back together.
60
Joss
I’m okay. I am. I’m fucking fine.
I take registration, I talk to colleagues in the staff room, act like everything is perfectly normal, it’s just another ordinary Friday, right? My husband hasn’t been cheating on me, my friend hasn’t betrayed me. They aren’t having a baby together. That isn’t happening. Except, it is. But if I think about it too much it’s going to overwhelm me, so I’m blocking it out, as much as I can. I just have to get through today and then I can escape, with Alex, back home. To Gothenburg.
“Joss!”
His voice cuts into me, and I swallow hard, turn around slowly to face him. He’s done this here, in the middle of the corridor, because he knows I won’t kick off when we’re surrounded by others. He knows I don’t want this becoming public knowledge, not yet. Not like this. Considerate to the end, my lying prick of a husband.
His eyes meet mine, and I can tell that he’s sorry, but sorry isn’t going to cut it. Sorry doesn’t even come fucking close.
“We need to talk, Joss.”
I shake my head, but just looking at him is hurting so bad, I had no idea it would feel like this. This is a pain I never expected. “No, Sam. We don’t.”
I move a little closer, I don’t want our exchange to attract attention. We’re Sam and Joss Coburn. Happily married. In love. People can’t know that’s over now, not yet.
I look at his face, notice the bruise on his jaw.
“That was Alex’s work,” he says, sliding his hands into his pockets, his eyes fixed firmly on mine.
“I’ll thank him later.”
“Joss, please…”
“Not here.” I lower my voice to a whisper, almost hissing the words out, I’m walking away from this now. I’m walking away. And he gets that, he makes no attempt to follow me, he lets me go.
I head straight to class, I become Mrs Coburn, history teacher. I take the lesson, smile at my group of Year Nines as they chatter amongst themselves, discussing the exercise I’ve set them. I tell them, a couple of times, to concentrate, to lessen the chatter that has nothing to do with the exercise, but I don’t need to be too hard with this class. They’re good kids. They actually want to learn. They make my life a little easier, today.
Today.
My life isn’t easy anymore…
61
Connor
I watched that exchange between Joss and Sam, out in the corridor. Something’s wrong. I saw the way she looked at him; the way he looked at her. Something’s happened.
I watched her through the glass door as she took her Year Nine history class. She was fine, she was Joss, she had that class in the palm of her hand. So I left her to it, let her do her job, but I’m back now. And I’m watching as she dismisses her class, watching as her students pack their bags and charge out of the classroom, completely ignoring her instructions to stop running. But they do anyway, so fast they don’t even see me – their headteacher – standing there in the corridor.
I watch as the last student files out of the door, and that’s when I see the change. That’s when her shoulders sag, when she sits forward, drops her head into her hands.
I wait a second before I tap lightly on the door, I give her time to pull it back. I don’t want her to think I’ve been watching her. And when she looks up and sees me she smiles, beckons me inside.
“Good class?” I ask, walking over to her desk.
She stands up, comes out front, leans back against the desk and folds her arms. She’s still smiling, but I’m not sure it’s reaching those beautiful blue eyes. “I like this group. They actually want to learn stuff.”
I laugh quietly, briefly dropping my gaze before I raise it again, my eyes meeting hers. “Good to know we aren’t completely wasting our time, huh?”
Another smile. She’s ridiculously pretty, when she smiles.
“Did your trip back down south go okay?’
“It went fine. I got everything done I needed to.”
“Okay… sorry, Connor, is there something you want?”
Her. I want her, but I can’t have her. She’s married. And I’m going through shit I need to concentrate on. I want her, but I can’t have her.
“No, I was – I was just passing, on my way to the staff room.”
“I wasn’t sure whether you wanted a catch-up, on anything that went on while you were away.”
“Did anything go on, while I was away?”
I watch her closely, watch her eyes cloud over slightly.
“No. Everything’s fine.”
Everything school-related, maybe, but there’s something there, in her eyes, that’s telling me everything isn’t right, somewhere. But it isn’t my place to ask personal questions. “Good. You can look after this place with your eyes shut, right?”
She throws me one more small smile, but she says nothing.
“Anyway, I don’t want to keep you, so, I’ll leave you to it.” I turn away from her and head towards the door.
“Connor?”
Her voice stops me in my tracks, and I turn back around. I look at her.
“Do you want to go for a drink? After work?”
I let a couple of beats go by, and I know I should really step back from this. Something’s happened, something’s wrong, with my beautiful Deputy Head. And I’ve got more shit than I care to think about to deal with, so, I should say no. But I don’t. “I can’t think of a better way to start the weekend.” I smile, and she returns it, and this time it reaches those cornflower-blue eyes.
Whatever it is that’s happening here, I’m sensing it’s something we both need. For whatever reason.
62
Sam
I can’t think straight. I can’t focus, can’t formulate a single fucking thought in my head. All I can see is Joss, standing there in front of me, her eyes cold, full of hate. Full of disappointment. Full of pain, that I caused.
My phone rings out and I look down at the caller ID, even though I know who it is. I know who’s calling me. I just don’t want to speak to her. And she’ll get that, so she’ll start texting soon, and I’ll ignore those too, but I can’t ignore her forever. I want to, but I can’t do that. I fucked up, I fucked up so bad and now I have to pay for that. I just can’t let myself believe that I’ve lost Joss forever. I can’t allow that thought to sit in my head, I can’t allow it to become a reality.
“Sam?”
I swing around at the sou
nd of Savvi’s voice, and I frown. “Mr Coburn when we’re at school, Savvi. Remember?”
She drops her gaze, hugs her books tighter against her chest. “Sorry…” She slowly looks up, and I feel sick to my stomach at what she has yet to learn, about her mum. And me. How the hell is that going to affect her? Summer should never have done this, not now, not at such an important time for Savvi. She’s put her own selfish means ahead of her daughter’s future, and that’s wrong. The way she’s handled this, it’s so fucking wrong.
“I’m sorry, I just – I just wanted to apologise. For what happened the other afternoon.”
I drag a hand through my hair and lean back against the wall. “It’s forgotten, Savvi.”
“I don’t know what I was thinking, I…”
“Like I said, it’s forgotten. Okay?”
She smiles slightly. “Okay…” She starts to walk away and then stops, turns back around, and her expression is tinged with concern. “Do you know what’s wrong with my mum?”
I feel my stomach pull itself into a tight knot. “Is she all right?”
Savvi shrugs, this isn’t fair on her. She shouldn’t have to deal with this. “I don’t know. She just seems a bit quiet. Like she’s got something on her mind.”
Jesus fucking Christ…
“I tried calling Joss, to see if she’d come round, after work, you know, to check on her, but she said she was busy. Said she was going to Sweden tonight, with Alex.”
My frown deepens. Joss is going to Sweden? How long for? Is she coming back? Have I fucking driven her away? Shit!
“Yeah. Yeah, that’s right. She is.” I can’t let anyone know me and Joss aren’t even speaking right now, least of all Savvi. She’s going to find out the truth anyway, but finding out right now – that isn’t happening. “Look, I’ll give your mum a call later, okay?”
She smiles again, nods, and walks away.
This is a mess. This is one fucked-up, dangerous mess…
Tainted Love Page 13