Alex’s hand on my hip steadies me, and I grab onto him to stop me from falling. And I don’t let go. Neither does he. I look up, and his eyes are locked firmly on mine. I rest my hand against his cheek and he brings his head down so our foreheads touch; I close my eyes and I breathe him in.
I feel his fingers splay out over my hip, my hand rests against his chest and when I open my eyes they once more lock on his, and I feel nothing and everything and for one stupid, crazy second I think…
“I need to take that shower now.”
I let go of him; I step back and go into the bathroom.
One stupid, crazy second…
72
Alex
She felt it too, she felt something. I don’t think either of us could ever explain exactly what it was, but it was there.
And I should leave now, let her get ready, so I head for the door. But I stop before I open it. I stop, and I turn around. Is she okay? I need her to be okay.
I start to turn away again, but then I catch sight of Joss out the corner of my eye, and yes, I should look away, but I don’t. I can’t. She starts to shrug her robe off over her shoulders until it falls slowly down her back, exposing her naked skin, and that’s when I turn away.
She’s my best friend.
She’s like a sister to me.
But I love her.
Joss Coburn.
I love her, like no brother should ever love a sister…
73
Connor
Unprofessional. Unethical. It shouldn’t happen, on any level.
Joss Coburn, she’s got under my skin. I touched her and I can’t forget that now. I want her, again, and I don’t know what it is we’re doing, where it’s going; how the fuck it’s going to end, I just know that I want her. Another complication I really don’t need. I should be putting my son first, putting all my energy into fighting for him, into making sure he comes home, soon. He’s all I care about, of course he is, but I need Joss. I’ve always tried to kid myself that I didn’t need anyone, not after everything Karen did. But I’m wrong. I need something. Something other than work and this constant battle I seem to have been fighting for far too long. But it’s close to being over now.
Jessica called, this morning, and we’re almost there. I go to London soon, to end this. To get my son back. That’s why I shouldn’t even be thinking about Joss, I should be thinking about Bobby, and only him. But Joss Coburn, she got under my skin.
Joss Coburn.
My beautiful distraction.
My biggest mistake…?
74
Alex
As she dances, it’s not just my eyes on her. People are watching her, men who are thinking everything they shouldn’t, about my best friend, but she can’t see them. She doesn’t want to, she’s losing herself in the music, she’s escaping. She’s with a group of women she met at the bar, laughing and talking as they dance. She’s having fun, and that’s good. But all she’s doing is masking her pain. Hiding her feelings.
I lean back against the wall and drink my beer, I don’t take my eyes off her. I don’t want to leave here. Coming to Hönö Klåva was something we both needed to do, I needed to get my head straight just as much as she did. For very different reasons. I needed to know, that what I was feeling was real, that it wasn’t just some fucked-up fantasy I’d created.
“You’re not going to stand there all night, are you?”
Her voice drags me back from my thoughts and I look at her, and I smile, because she’s smiling at me. “I thought you were busy.”
She narrows her eyes slightly, but she’s still smiling. “Liv and the girls are moving on. They wanted me to go with them but, I told them I wanted to stay with you.”
“Out of sympathy?”
She cocks her head to one side, the corner of her mouth still carrying that smile. “No. I want to stay with you.”
She takes my hand, wraps her fingers around mine and starts pulling me away from the wall.
“Come on. We’re dancing.”
She’s got too much energy, she’s always like this when she’s got stuff on her mind. Too much energy, that always runs out at some point. That’s when she breaks. That’s when she needs me.
She drags me onto the dancefloor, and I can’t help smiling again as she starts to move, and this time every man who’s watching her is watching me, too. They don’t know who I am; what I am, to this woman. And that makes me a barrier between her and them and the chance that she might do something stupid. Sam’s hurt her in a way she has yet to fully comprehend, I don’t think it’s even come close to sinking in. So, I still need to protect her.
The music changes, switching to an R&B track I’m familiar with; a mid-tempo song with a deep, almost sensual beat. I only know it because I’ve heard Danny play it at home, it’s difficult not to hear it when he turns his music up so loud.
Joss takes the bottle from my hand, drains the last of the beer from it and places the empty bottle down on the ledge behind her.
“You should take it easy, Joss.”
She hasn’t exactly drunk the place dry, but she’s had a few.
She slides a hand up onto the back of my neck and leans in to me, close enough for me to feel her breath on my skin. “Don’t play the concerned ‘big brother’ card, Alex. I’m fine.” She smiles, her fingers lightly stroking my neck, playing with my hair, and I instinctively slip an arm around her waist. “I don’t need looking after, okay?”
She pulls back slightly, looks right into my eyes and it’s there, again, that same feeling, that same shot of electricity I felt back in her room. The same feeling I’ve felt for too long now, and I’ve tried to ignore it, I have, because it feels almost wrong, to feel the way I do about her. We’re not blood related, but we’ve been brought up almost as though we were brother and sister and, in some weird way, that matters. I wish it didn’t.
“Alex?” she whispers, and all I’m aware of is her hand still there on the back of my neck, her fingers winding in my hair, the smell of her perfume filling my head. “Tonight… can we pretend everything’s different?”
My heart’s beating so fast it hurts, banging against my ribs with a force that’s almost making me breathless. “Different, how?” I press my hand onto the small of her back, and as I do so her top rides up slightly, and I feel her skin beneath my palm.
“Don’t be my protector, Alex. Tonight, don’t be the man who’s like a brother to me. Don’t be him.”
I close my eyes, bow my head, I take her hand and squeeze it so tight I must be hurting her. My forehead touches hers, I hear her breathing, and I’m scared. I’m so fucking scared, because everything I’ve ever felt for this woman is so close to spilling out of me. But the last thing we need is another, even more unthinkable complication. Joss doesn’t need that. But she’s here, in my arms, and we’re so far away from reality, here on this island that’s become so special to us. Our place. Our escape. Nobody knows us here, nobody knows who we are, what we are, nobody knows, us.
“Joss, I…”
I look at her. I touch her face, run my thumb lightly over her mouth, and I’m terrified, of everything now. I’ve never been scared before, but I’m scared now.
She’s had too much to drink, we both need some air. So I take her hand, I end whatever that was and I lead her outside. We sit down on the curbside, and for a few seconds we say nothing. Until she finally breaks the silence.
“I slept with Connor Sloane.”
I drop my head, stare down at my clasped hands. “I thought you said it was just a kiss?”
“It was. The first time.”
I turn my head to look at her. “There was another time?”
She nods, and this time she looks away. “That’s why I was late, meeting you at the airport on Friday night. That’s when we slept together.”
I don’t know what I’m feeling now. I was trying to stop her; protect her from doing something like this, something stupid on the rebound. Was I willing to pr
otect her from me? From us?
“I know it was a rebound fuck – a revenge fuck. I set out for it to be just that, because I wanted to punish Sam. I was angry. Upset. I wanted to hurt him…”
“Does he know? That you slept with Connor?”
She shakes her head, her eyes focused on the bar across the street. “I just thought – I thought, in my head, that I was punishing him. Hurting him. But all I was doing was creating an even bigger mess, wasn’t I?”
“Maybe.”
“But Connor, he… he makes me want to smile, Alex.”
I watch her body language, the way her shoulders stiffen, the way she wrings her hands together as she talks.
“What are you going to do?”
She looks at me, a slight smile on her face. “He called me. Tonight. Connor – he called me. And it wasn’t awkward or uncomfortable because we haven’t spoken since it happened and… maybe there’s something there, you know? I just…”
She leaves that sentence hanging, turns her gaze away from mine again.
“I don’t know. Maybe all of this is just because of what Sam did, of how messed-up this whole situation has got me, I…” She looks back at me. “What happened inside, Alex. Just now…”
I reach for her hand, feel it slip into mine and I pull her closer. She rests her head on my shoulder, slides her arm around my waist and I lean in to kiss her forehead, let my lips linger on her skin for maybe a second or two longer than I should have done. And she angles her head, just the tiniest of movements, but it’s enough to cause my mouth to catch hers. The briefest of touches, but that line’s been crossed now. One I’ve tried to avoid stepping over for so many years, the times I’ve looked at her, and wanted her in ways that are all kinds of wrong. But they’re not, really. Are they? They’re not wrong…?
She rests her hand against my cheek, her forehead touches mine, and again I breathe her in, I swear, I don’t want to go back to the UK. I don’t.
“I can’t lose you,” she whispers, and I know she’s crying. I can feel her tears and I reach out to brush them away. All we’re doing here is confusing everything, but we need each other, Joss and me. I always believed we were meant to be together, somehow.
“You’ll never lose me, Joss. Never. I will always be here, okay?”
She nods, and she smiles and all I want to do is make everything better.
“Can we just go back to the hotel, Alex?”
I return her smile and I stand up, pull her to her feet but I keep hold of her hand. I keep hold of her. I’m not sure I’m ready to let her go…
75
Joss
Everything is so confusing now. Everything is different. Everything is changing, so fast my head spins too much if I stop to think about it.
He’s my best friend. Yet, when his lips brushed against mine, everything felt different. He felt different. And maybe it’s because, at this very moment in time, it feels like my whole life is slowly turning into some fucked-up soap opera, I don’t know. I just know that Alex makes me feel safe. My whole life he’s made me feel safe. He’s protected me. He’s loved me. The wrong kind of love? It doesn’t feel wrong, not right now. Right now, it feels like the most natural thing in the world.
We stop at the door to my room, and he stands there, his hands in his pockets. Alex Olsson. Tall. Handsome. Kind. My hero. He’s been in my life forever, and I don’t ever want him to leave.
“I want to stay with you, Joss. Tonight. I want to stay with you.”
“I know.”
I open the door, take his hand and pull him inside. And I don’t know what’s going to happen when I close that door, whether we cross even further over that line, make mistakes we’re going to regret. Or ones that we won’t. I don’t know. I just don’t want to be alone, not tonight. I want to be with Alex.
Locking the door behind me I go over to the window, to the door that leads out onto the decked terrace, and I pull the curtain down over them, I block out the world. A world that wouldn’t understand what might happen here tonight. A world that wouldn’t understand what me and Alex have, even if we don’t ever go there.
I hear him flick on the TV, a necessary distraction, and I keep my back to him because I’m scared to turn around. I’ve had a lot to drink although I feel nowhere near drunk. I’m completely in control, I know exactly what I’m doing.
“There’s some beer, in the fridge,” I say, finally turning to face him. He’s standing by the bathroom door, his hands still in his pockets, an expression on his face I can’t really read. “I need to pee.”
He gently grabs hold of my wrist as I edge past him, into the bathroom. “Joss… if you want me to go…”
I shake my head as I look up into his ice-blue eyes. “I don’t want you to go.”
“Whatever happens here…”
“Stays here.”
This is our place. Our escape. Whatever happens here, it’ll become our secret. One only we get to keep.
He lets go of me and I close the bathroom door behind me, I need a minute. A little time to try and think straight. To think about what we’re doing here. What we might do, here.
I take off my clothes and look at my reflection in the mirror. I look tired, and that’s fine because it’s how I feel. But I still look like me. Joss Coburn – no. She doesn’t exist anymore. Joss Coburn died the second she found out her husband and her friend had betrayed her, and just thinking about that kicks up all those feelings of anger and pain and deep, deep hurt. Joss Coburn is dead. I’m Joss Engström now.
Hot, frustrated tears start to stream down my face and I grab my nightdress that I’d laid over the towel rail before I’d gone out, all ready for me to slip into when I got back. The thin material is cool against skin that feels hot, and I look in the mirror again. The tears have streaked my make-up, and I wipe my eyes with the back of my hand, removing the traces of mascara that had started to run down my face.
Sam hurt me, so bad, and I haven’t even begun to deal with that.
Summer betrayed me in a way I can’t begin to understand.
Connor Sloane made me want to smile. But he can’t fix me.
Alex can.
76
Alex
“Joss?” I can hear her, in the bathroom, and I know she’s upset. I know she’s crying. “Joss, can I come in?”
She opens the door and comes out, leans back against the wall and she looks at me. “Don’t leave me, Alex.”
I don’t know whether she means tonight, or ever, but either way she knows I’m not going anywhere.
“I can’t be on my own tonight,” she whispers, and her eyes finally settle on mine. “I was – I was going to call Connor, but now I don’t know whether I… What I told him before…”
She drops her gaze, looks down at her left hand, starts twisting her wedding band round and around her finger.
“I don’t know whether I want something to happen there or not, I just… I told him I did, but I…” She looks back up at me. “Everything’s so messed-up right now.”
I reach out, gently stroke her cheek with my thumb, her tears hot beneath my fingers.
“And this isn’t helping, huh?”
I smile, and she returns it, wrapping her fingers around my wrist. “Maybe not.”
I lean in to her, quickly kiss the tip of her nose. And I drop my hand to her shoulder, run it lightly down over her upper arm, her skin’s smooth and warm and she sighs quietly as she falls against me.
For a second or two I just hold her; she holds me. We make a moment in time we can remember; always come back to. If it only ever comes to this, we can remember a moment we created, together, away from the turmoil and pain going on in our world. Our real world.
I feel her heart beating into me, hammering against my chest, and she squeezes my hand, takes a deep breath and she looks up at me. We share a past. We share a life. We’re best friends. Forever.
I cup her cheek, keep her face steady, I need to look at her some more. I need to
know exactly what we’re doing here, we both do.
I run my thumb lightly over her slightly open mouth, hear her sharp intake of breath as it brushes over her lips. And what’s happening here, I’m fully aware that everything is heightened by where we are, the situation we’re in, if Sam hadn’t slept with Summer would we have stepped over this line? Would we even be here, in a place I am now determined will be our hideaway? We can be different people, here. We can be who we really want to be, do things we shouldn’t even be thinking about doing but it’s too late for morals. The line’s already been crossed. We might as well step right over it.
I drop my hand again, slide my fingers under the thin strap of her short nightdress, and she gasps quietly, closes her eyes and tips her head back slightly. I lean in, rest my mouth against the base of her throat, I feel her sighs vibrate right through me.
We don’t share blood. We don’t, share blood… People may think of us as brother and sister, but we’re not. We’re not…
“No, Alex… Stop!”
She pushes me away and I step back; I watch her as she walks over to the window, pulls back the curtain. Outside it’s dark, all we can see out there are one or two lights down on the harbour, a few way out in the distance, out to sea, they’re probably boats or ships. It’s all quiet. Because it’s late. It’s the early hours of the morning, that time when everything and nothing can feel real.
She leans in, rests her forehead against the window, her hands up against the glass. I leave her alone for a second or two and go into the bathroom, splash cold water over my face; look into the mirror above the sink.
I’m Alex Olsson.
A man who’s been in love with his best friend, forever…
77
Joss
My heart won’t stop beating a fast, heavy rhythm. Too fast. It hurts. It’s restricting my breathing, and I place a hand on my chest in the hope that might calm it down.
Tainted Love Page 16