I heard him go into the bathroom, and then I heard him leave. Go back to his own room. And I don’t know what I feel now… No. I do, know what I feel. I want him to come back. I said I didn’t want to be alone, and I meant it. I told him to stop. Did I mean that, too?
I slowly turn around, lean back against the window-ledge and I reach for the beer I’d put down there earlier. I take a sip, turn my head and look back outside, but there’s not that much to see. Not at this time of night. It’s all quiet. Peaceful. Calm.
I hear the door opening, and I know it’s Alex. He just needed a minute too, I’m guessing. He’s changed now, into a T-shirt and pyjama bottoms, and I smile because that means he’s staying. I smile, and I hold out the bottle of beer that’s still in my hand.
He returns my smile, comes over, takes the bottle from me and he drinks a long mouthful down. It still escapes me how Kelli could’ve walked away from him. How she could’ve found any other man who matched up to him, because he truly is the kindest, most special person I have ever met. He would’ve done anything for her. He did everything for his son, does everything, for Danny. He’d do anything, for me.
“I said I’d stay with you, Joss.”
He smiles again, and I pull myself away from the window-ledge and draw the curtain back down, once more blocking out the world beyond these walls.
“You’ve never broken a promise to me yet, Alex.”
I start to walk over to one of the twin beds, but he takes hold of my arm as I pass him, he stops me from going any further. He keeps his fingers wrapped around my wrist, his eyes boring into mine and it’s like he’s draining every ounce of energy I still have left. Weakening me. It’s like that, but I’m not sure I even want to be strong right now.
“I said I’d stay,” he whispers, his hand resting against my cheek, and I feel my eyelids slowly flutter shut as he lowers his head; as his mouth touches mine, so, so lightly at first, I barely feel it. He’s testing the water. Seeing if I flinch away, or if I accept. I reach up, slide my fingers into his hair and I bring his head back down. I accept. “You wanted things to be different tonight, Joss. Remember?”
His mouth almost touches mine as he speaks, he’s so close I feel him breathing into me.
“Things can be different, if you want them to be.”
I look at him, and I tug gently at the hem of his T-shirt. I lift it up and he pulls it off, and I press my hands against his skin, watching as my fingers splay out. He’s so toned I can feel every muscle, I can feel his heart beating, he’s so beautiful.
“Do you still want things to be different?”
I raise my gaze, lock eyes with him again and I nod. I wind my fingers in his hair and I whisper his name as he kisses me. He’s kissing me. And I close my eyes, feel his hand on my hip, feel his body so close to mine but we’re pretending tonight. We’re pretending, that we’re not who we are, we’re not so close we’re almost family. We’re not breaking any rules, we’re not pushing boundaries we should never have stepped over, we’re not doing any of that. We’re escaping. We’re not thinking about tomorrow or the consequences of tonight, we’re not doing any of that. And maybe we should. We’re supposed to be intelligent people, and yet, we’re here. Doing this.
It’s a kiss like no other. The most special kiss, something magical and beautiful because that’s how I think of Alex. How I’ve always thought of him. It’s a kiss that transports me to a place I’ve probably always wanted to go to, I just never realised, until now, until tonight, this very moment, how much I wanted to come here. To this place.
But then, almost as quickly as the moment arrived it disappears, and I feel a wave of – guilt? Is that what it was? It washes over me so quickly I have to take a step back, take a second to think, and he frowns as I sit down on the bed. I can’t seem to catch my breath, it’s stuck in my throat, is this a punishment? For being here, with Alex, for wanting him to be here, like this?
“Joss?”
He sits down next to me, takes my hand, and I look at him.
“Don’t cry, Joss. Please, don’t cry.”
I didn’t even realise I was, until he mentioned it, until I felt tears hit my skin, fall onto my exposed legs in the short nightdress I’m wearing. I didn’t want to cry, but the confusion is overwhelming.
He pulls me into his arms and I hold onto him so tight I’m scared to let go. I don’t know if I want to let go, I’m living in a world I don’t recognise now, but this part of it – that world, I feel safe here. This is the part of that fucked-up world I want to stay in.
He reaches past me, pulls back the covers and I lie down, curl my legs up as he lies behind me. His arm circles my waist, pulling me back against him and I snuggle into him as he holds me; as his fingers slide between mine over my stomach. I close my eyes, feel his breath warm and soft against my shoulder. I feel safe again.
I feel safe…
78
Alex
Light streams into the room through the edge of the window the curtain didn’t cover, the sun bouncing off the bright white walls.
I fall onto my back, turn my head to see Joss still asleep beside me. The bed is small, this isn’t a double room, but I needed to be with her, last night. She needed me, to be with her, and she’s beside me in every sense of the word. Her whole body touches mine, I feel every inch of her against me and I remember how close we came, last night, to stepping over that final line. We’ve already crossed too many, and I don’t regret any of it. Not one second. I can’t deny how I feel, I’ve spent too long trying to do that, trying to convince myself that these feelings I have for my best friend – I’ve tried to convince myself that they’re not real. We’ve always been close, maybe too close, but maybe there’s a reason why we were always so close. Maybe this was always meant to happen.
I reach out to pull her over and she stirs only slightly, as though she’s awake but doesn’t want to open her eyes just yet. She rests her head on my chest, lies her arm across my stomach and I kiss the top of her head; squeeze her shoulders gently. She slept, which is good. Me, not so much.
This isn’t the first time we’ve shared a bed. I slept beside her the night she found out she couldn’t conceive. She’d wanted me, she hadn’t wanted Sam, I think that news broke them both a little too much, at first. I’m not sure they ever really got over it. Came to terms with it. Could that actually have been the catalyst, for everything that’s happened since?
She’d cried herself to sleep in my arms, that night. I didn’t let her go. Not once. Had I loved her then the way I love her now? Yes. I’d loved her then, the way I love her, now.
I look down as her eyes flicker open. When her heart gets broken she comes to me. She always comes to me, because I pick up the pieces. I put her back together. She knows I’d never break her. Ever.
She looks at me, and I gently push the hair from her eyes. Eyes that are clear and bright this morning. There was too much darkness there last night.
“What did we do, Alex?”
“We didn’t do anything, Joss.”
She knows we did, something. More than we should’ve done. Less than we could’ve done. We blurred a line.
“We were pretending. Remember?”
Her eyes lock on mine, and I feel her fingers spread out over my stomach. “And now? Are we still pretending?”
I take hold of her hand, my fingers sliding between hers. “I don’t know.”
She lets go of me, climbs out of bed and I sit up. I drop my head, take a deep breath. We only have a few more hours here, in Hönö Klåva. We fly home this evening, go back to reality, and I’m scared. Terrified that Joss will distance herself from me, become consumed by all the pain and hurt that faces her back in England. I’m scared, that she’ll turn to Connor, not me. That she’ll let what happened here drive some kind of wedge between us, and I don’t know what I’d do, if I lost her.
“Does this change us, Alex?”
My head shoots up at the sound of her voice, and I look at h
er as she sits down on the edge of the bed.
“Nothing will ever change us, Joss.” I won’t let it.
She reaches out, cups my cheek, leans in to kiss me and I feel my stomach contract, dip low; feel my breath struggle to free itself.
“I can’t lose you,” she whispers.
“I’m not going anywhere.”
“Do you promise?”
“Cross my heart.” I smile, and she returns it. My beautiful best friend.
My beautiful, beautiful best friend…
79
Sam
She won’t pick up, won’t answer a single fucking call, won’t reply to my texts. I feel like I’m going crazy here, without her.
I’ve come back home, and I know she told me to go, but I’m not giving up on our marriage, not without a fight. What I did was wrong, and I regret it, all of it, every single fucking second. I regret hurting Joss more than she will ever realise. But we can come back from this, if we try. We can.
I’m about to try calling her again when the doorbell interrupts me. I ignore it, but whoever it is they aren’t going away. I just hope they don’t plan on staying because the last thing I’m in the mood for is company.
“We need to talk, Sam.”
“Jesus Christ, Summer, not now, okay?”
I try to close the door on her but she puts her arm out, and I’m not in the habit of physically hurting people. So I relent, I stand back and let her though into the hall.
“We’re going to have to tell Savvi, about us. And it’s got to be soon, before any gossip at school starts to filter through to her. She can’t hear anything that way, it has to come from us.”
I narrow my eyes as I look at her. “Hang on, what with this ‘us’ shit? Savvi’s not my daughter, she’s your responsibility. You tell her what you like, and there is no us.”
“You still think Joss is coming back to you, huh? You think that you, moving back in here – you think she’s going to be okay with that, do you? You think she’s going to listen to anything you have to say?”
“I’m not giving up without a fight, Summer. So you can forget any ideas you’ve got about me and you playing happy fucking families, that isn’t happening. You got that?”
“I’m having your baby…”
“And I told you, I’ll take my responsibilities as a father seriously, but as far as a relationship with you is concerned…” I leave the rest of that sentence hanging because I’m not in the mood for this conversation.
“When does she get back?” Summer asks, her voice calmer now. Almost as if she’s just accepted what I’ve told her, but I know her better than that. “From Sweden?”
“I don’t know, exactly. She won’t answer my calls or texts.”
She looks at me, right into my eyes. “Not nice, is it? When it’s happening to you.”
“This is fucking different, Summer.”
She goes into the kitchen, starts pulling mugs from the cupboard, spooning coffee from the caddy. There was a time when her making herself at home like this – there was a time when that was fine. When that was normal, it happened. But then I slept with her, I made the biggest mistake of my fucking life and now nothing’s normal anymore.
“So, you don’t know what her and Alex have been doing over there?”
I frown, watch her as she flicks on the kettle, turns around and leans back against the counter, folding her arms.
“What the hell’s that supposed to mean? You keep talking about Joss and Alex…”
“You don’t see it, do you?”
“See what? What the fuck are you talking about?”
“The way he looks at her.”
I still don’t know what she’s trying to get at here, and I narrow my eyes further as I stare at her. But whatever it is she’s trying to say, she’s getting some kind of sick kick out of it.
“If you’re trying to tell me something here, Summer, just fucking say it. Okay? I’m not in the mood for games.”
“I think Alex’s feelings for your wife go way deeper than what best friends are supposed feel for each other. I think he cares about her, so much more than he should…”
“You think he’s in love with her?”
She lets a couple of beats pass before she responds to that. “You said that, Sam. Not me.”
She turns around, pours boiling water into a mug. She’s giving me time to let what she’s just said sink in, but I’m not playing her game. She’s trying to unsettle me; push me. I know what she’s doing, and she won’t win.
“I need you to go now, Summer.”
She turns back around, looking at me over the rim of her mug as she sips her coffee. “We need to tell Savvi what’s going on. I just came here to let you know that.”
“Well, thanks for the heads up. Now go. Please.”
She takes one more sip of coffee then puts the mug down, picks up her bag and makes her way back into the hall, but she stops as she reaches the door. She turns back around to face me. “Once I do this, Sam – once I tell Savvi, she’s going to tell Danny and then that’s it. It’s out there. No more secrets… well, maybe there are still some secrets. But I guess you need to talk to Joss about those.”
She leaves, closes the door behind her, and I know she only came here to pick away at my broken marriage that little bit more. Did I turn her into this person she’s become? Did I do that?
I lean back against the wall and look down at my phone still in my hand. Joss’s number stares back up at me. And Summer’s words fill my head, but I refuse to believe they’re true.
She only wants to hurt me.
She only wants to confuse me.
She only wants me…
80
Joss
“What are you going to do, about Sam?”
I look at Alex, but he’s staring out ahead of him. Out to sea. We’re sitting on the rocks, watching the waves crash gently against them, it’s a calm day today, weather wise. A sunny day, warm for the time of year. Our last day here. And I don’t want to go home.
“I don’t know. I really don’t. I just know that I can’t be with him, not after what he’s done – what they’ve done. I can’t stop picturing them together, knowing what they did…”
I drop my head, drag my hands back through my hair and I feel his hand reach for mine. I take it, I look up and he smiles at me.
“It will be okay, Joss.”
“When, Alex? When will it start to feel okay? Because, right now, nothing feels the same. It all feels different. What Sam and Summer did, it changed everything.”
My phone vibrates in my pocket and I reach for it, pulling it out and checking the text. Another one from Sam, but this one is different. This one tells me that when we get home, everything really will have changed.
“What is it?” Alex asks, he can see my expression change as I read.
“Summer’s going to tell Savvi, about her and Sam. About the baby. She doesn’t want her finding out through rumours or gossip, she wants it all out in the open.”
He squeezes my hand. “We knew this was going to happen.”
“Yeah.” I give an almost defeated sigh and slide my phone back into my pocket. “I just didn’t think it would happen this soon. I thought I’d be home, when it all came out. Then I could at least try and control… Oh, who the hell am I trying to kid? I can’t control this. I can’t, can I?”
He doesn’t say or do anything in response to that, because he doesn’t know the answer.
“Come on.” He pulls me to my feet. “Let’s go look at that house.”
“Alex?”
He looks at me, his ice-blue eyes locking on mine.
“I’m scared.”
He leans in to me, gently kisses my forehead and he smiles again. A reassuring smile. “Don’t be. You’ve got nothing to be scared of, okay?”
I believe him. He’s the only one I trust, the only one I believe. Even Connor doesn’t fall into that bracket just yet, I don’t know him well enough to fully trust h
im; to fully believe him.
I cling onto Alex’s hand as we make our way back across the rocks, laughing like the kids we once were when we’d done this on family holidays. Family. Because that’s what we are, to all intents and purposes. Me and Alex. We’re family.
I love my best friend.
My best friend loves me.
We aren’t doing anything wrong…
81
Alex
The house we’ve come to look at – the place that could, potentially, become our hideaway here on Hönö Klåva – is perfect, in my eyes. A small, white-board cabin set back a little from the harbour but with great views out across it. It’s compact and private with a walled yard at the back, enough outdoor space to house a table and chairs, maybe a barbecue. It’s just what we need. I fell in love with it the second we walked up the front path, Joss’s hand still holding firmly onto mine.
The realtor assumed we were a couple, and neither of us corrected him. The entire meeting was done in Swedish, and it felt good, to be so different to the people we became when we left this country. It feels like we’re slowly letting these new people we want to be take over. We’re becoming them, when we’re here. That’s why I want this place, why I think it’ll be good for us. Me, and Joss.
“What do you think?” I ask her as we sit down on the small front lawn outside the cabin. There are baskets of flowers hanging either side of the front door, pots on the ground, underneath the window-ledges. It’s picture-postcard pretty.
“Are we really going to do this, Alex? I mean, we only mentioned a holiday home here yesterday, in passing, and then all of a sudden we’re here, talking about actually buying a place…”
I feel my heart sink a little. Is she starting to believe none of this could become a reality? Is she starting to think about home and Sam and the fact that, when we get back to Newcastle, everyone will know everything? Doesn’t that give her all the more reason to have a place to escape to?
Tainted Love Page 17