Tainted Love

by Michelle Betham

  “Sam?”

  Summer’s voice drifts down the line and I take a deep breath before I speak.

  “Savvi’s just accused me of touching her.”

  There’s a brief silence while she tries to register what I’ve just said. “I’m sorry?”

  “Savvi went to Joss, this morning. Told her I’d touched her, inappropriately, that afternoon she stayed back, to get help with her project. She fucking lied, Summer. To get back at me. She was willing to ruin my fucking career to get back at us. Do you understand what we’re actually doing here? We’re systematically wrecking peoples’ lives, when this could have been avoided…”

  “How, Sam? How could this have been avoided? I’m pregnant. I’m having your baby, or have you forgotten that?”

  “And if Savvi’s pulling this kind of shit when she’s only in possession of half the truth, what the fuck do you think she’s going to try when she hears it all, huh? When she hears that you’re giving her a brother or a sister, because if that doesn’t tip her completely over the edge…”

  “You’re over-reacting, Sam.”

  “Oh, I’m sorry, I’m over-reacting? Really? Some teenage student with a crush on me deliberately tells lies, threatens to ruin everything I have fucking worked for, just because she can’t handle the fact I slept with her mother…?” I stop talking. I listen to myself. What the hell am I doing? “I’ve got to go.”

  “Hey! You don’t call me with that information and then hang up on me.”

  “I’m tired, Summer. And I’ve got a class…”

  “Come over. Tonight. I’ll cook us dinner, we can talk.”

  “I’m not in the mood.”

  “This isn’t going away, Sam. You do realise that, don’t you? This whole situation isn’t changing any time soon, so you refusing to face up to it is only dragging out the inevitable.”

  “The inevitable?”

  What the fuck does she mean by that?

  “There’s a baby on the way, and you need to start facing up to that.”

  She’s got me trapped. I can’t escape, and it’s fucking suffocating. “Being a father to our baby doesn’t mean I have to spend nights in having dinner with you, Summer. I just need to be a father, you don’t have to figure in the fucking equation. Our baby matters. You don’t.”

  “You still think she’ll come back to you?”

  “Even if she doesn’t, do I have to come to you?”

  “It would be nice. To raise our child together.”

  “The only woman I wanted to raise a child with was Joss.”

  “Do you really want to hurt me so badly, Sam?”

  “I never loved you, Summer. I don’t, love you. You being pregnant doesn’t change that, so maybe that’s something you need to face up to.”

  “When did you turn into such a cold bastard?”

  I’m not getting into this, not here. I’m really not in the mood. “Joss is going to talk to Savvi…”

  “Joss isn’t her mother.”

  “It’s a school matter. She’s acting Headteacher. It’s her job, to talk to Savvi. Besides, I doubt Savvi would welcome your interference right now. It’s us she’s fighting against, remember?”

  I’m tired of this conversation, I need to end it. She needed to know what was going on, but I’ve told her now. She needs to go.

  “We need to talk, Sam. Seriously. We need to talk.”

  “I know.” I squeeze the bridge of my nose between my thumb and forefinger, closing my eyes, just for a second. “Just, not yet, Summer. Okay? I’m not ready.”

  “She isn’t coming back. You’ve lost her, Sam. You’ve lost her.”

  I end the call before the slowly rising anger I can feel bubbling away inside of me rises too far to the surface. I put my phone away but I stay where I am. I’m enjoying the silence. I’m liking the peace. The quiet. I’m tired of being in the eye of the storm. Tired of listening to other people tell me things they want me to believe, because I don’t believe I’ve lost Joss. Not for good. Maybe for now, but losing her forever isn’t something I’m willing to accept.

  Too many people are getting in the way right now, that’s all. Too many people are involved, and that needs to end…

  99

  Joss

  I took Savvi out for lunch. I wanted to talk to her away from the school environment. I wanted her to talk to me as her Godmother, not her teacher. I need to get through to her, not have her fight me. Or lie to me. There are enough lies out there already.

  “You need to tell me the truth, Savvi. This is really important. Did Sam touch you, inappropriately, in any way?”

  She looks down, starts fiddling with the crust of her pizza. And there it is, the slightest shake of her head.

  “I need to hear you say it, sweetheart.”

  She looks up, her eyes meeting mine, and I can tell straightaway that she regrets what she did. What she said. What she accused Sam of. “No. He didn’t.” She sighs quietly and drops her gaze again. “I’m sorry, Joss. I’m really sorry, I didn’t mean to cause so much trouble, I just – I hate what he’s done to you. And, okay, I did have some stupid crush on him…” She raises her head, her eyes meeting mine. “When he told me nothing could happen, yeah, his rejection stung a little. But I got over it. Finding out what he did to you, though… I saw a chance to get back at him, to really hurt him, like he’s hurt you, but I didn’t mean… I’m just so angry, Joss. At both of them.”

  “I know, darling. I know you are.”

  “Why aren’t you angry too? After what they did…?”

  I reach across the table and take her hand. “I’ve been angry, Savvi. I’ve done the anger and the tears and it’s exhausting. I can’t let it wear me down, or I’d just stop functioning.”

  “How can you still work with him? How can you even bear to be around him?”

  “Because I have to be grown up about this. It’s a crappy situation, nobody’s denying that, but it’s something we all have to find a way to deal with. We have to make it work, we can’t just walk away.”

  “Would you like him gone? From the school? From your life?”

  I look at her, and I smile slightly. “Honest answer? I don’t know.”

  “Do you still love him?”

  I briefly drop my gaze. “We were together a long time, Savvi. It’s hard to switch all those feelings off, just like that. But I can’t take him back.” I throw her another slight smile, gently squeezing her hand. “Me and Sam are over.”

  “I hate my mum for doing this.”

  “You don’t hate your mum, sweetheart…”

  “I do. You were her best friend, and she slept with your husband. What kind of woman does that? We were like family, Joss, and she’s just ripped that apart. Her and Sam, they’ve destroyed everything.”

  “And we’ll find a way to put it all back together, it’s just that, it may look a little different, that’s all. There’s going to be a lot of new things to get used to, and I need you to be able to deal with them all like the intelligent young woman you are.”

  She doesn’t know about the baby yet. And I’m angry at both Sam and Summer for not telling her, for keeping this from her because just as we fix one drama, another, even bigger one is going to come crashing down and I have no idea how Savvi is going to take it.

  “Look, Savvi, I understand how angry you are, but, what you accused Sam of… if you’d gone to Connor… Sam could’ve been suspended, you realise that, don’t you? You could have put his entire career at risk.”

  She looks down again, and I give her hand another squeeze.

  “I’m so sorry, Joss.”

  I told her she doesn’t hate her mum, yet, I hate Sam; I hate Summer for pushing her daughter to this point. For confusing her so much that she did this. But I need to keep my own feelings in check, let her believe that I’m coping way better than I am. Inside I’m falling apart, but to everyone else I’m doing just fine.

  “He isn’t going to get into trouble, is he?” Savvi a
sks, her voice pulling me back from my own dark thoughts.

  “No. He isn’t. It’s over, okay?”

  “Okay.” She smiles, just a small smile, and I give her hand one more squeeze before I let it go. “Can I go meet Faye now? We need to check out some new outfits for the party on Saturday.”

  “Yeah. Get out of here, go on.”

  She gets up, comes over and kisses my cheek quickly before she rushes out the door. I love that girl like she was my own, and I’m determined to make sure she gets through this. Helping her will be the distraction I need. The reason I need, not to fall apart.

  I sit back and look out of the window, for a few seconds I just people-watch. I let my mind drift, I think about nothing, because sometimes that’s necessary. But today I don’t have the luxury of time, and whilst Savvi has a free period, which I’m reluctantly allowing her to use to go shopping – under normal circumstances she’d be coming back to school with me to revise – I need to get back to Millers Bridge. This morning’s meeting has been rescheduled for three 0’clock this afternoon and I still need to prepare.

  I pay the bill, start gathering my things together, but as I push my chair back under the table I see him, through the window. Connor. I see him, holding onto the hand of a little boy who can’t be much older than two. He has an older woman with him, he looks happy. He looks happier than I’ve ever seen him as he picks the child up and swings him into his arms, lifting him high into the air before bringing him back down and kissing him. The little boy laughs and my stomach turns over a million times, I don’t know what I’m feeling. What I should be feeling.

  I stay where I am, my fingers gripping the back of the chair so tight when I look down I see my knuckles have almost turned white. And when I raise my gaze and look back out of the window, Connor’s out of sight. He’s gone, and I finally take a breath. I leave the restaurant. I head for my car, all the while my mind throwing up scenarios and situations that try to make sense of what I saw just now.

  Does Connor Sloane have a secret life?

  Has Connor Sloane lied to me too…?

  100

  Connor

  It’s good to be back at work. I’ve spent three days with my son, and I have loved every second, I could have stayed home with him, forever. But I need to build a life for us both now. I need to work, to make money. I need to be the father Bobby needs, and having his grandparents here is helping me do that in a way that now enables me to be both the headteacher I love being, and the father I have always wanted to be. So it’s good, to be back. It’s good, to see Joss again. Joss Engström. I still can’t get used to her change of name, but she’s having to become someone different now too, due to circumstances she also never saw coming. We have more in common than either of us first thought, and I still can’t stop thinking about her. I just know that I need to.

  She’s in my office when I get there, leaning back against the front of the desk, her reading glasses perched low on the end of her nose as she looks through some papers. She glances up as I close the door behind me, just a brief glance, before she drops her head again, and I frown. Is something wrong?

  “Is everything okay?” Should I be worried? I don’t know…

  “Everything’s fine.” She looks back up at me. “Did it go all right? Whatever you were doing down in London?”

  “Yeah, it – it went fine. You look well, Joss.”

  “I’ve been sleeping more. There are a few things you need to look over, I’ve left them on your desk along with some messages, and notes from that meeting with the council yesterday.”

  “Okay. Thanks… Look, Joss, is something wrong?”

  Her eyes meet mine, and now I know something isn’t right. “Why would anything be wrong?”

  “I don’t know, you just seem – you seem a little distant, that’s all.”

  She holds my gaze for a second or two, as though she’s trying to decide whether to say something or not. “I saw you yesterday, Connor. I was in a restaurant, in town, I’d taken Savvi out for lunch and… I saw you. With a little boy and an older woman…”

  I sigh, drag a hand back through my hair and I turn away from her. I just need a second to get my head around this, I need to compose myself. I wasn’t ready to tell anyone about Bobby, not yet, I wanted to take a bit more time to settle him in first. But this has forced my hand.

  “He’s my son, Joss.”

  I slowly turn around. I face her. I look into her beautiful blue eyes and I tell her the truth.

  “Bobby he’s – he’s my son. And the woman you saw me with, she’s his grandmother. My ex-wife’s mom…”

  Her face remains almost expressionless, and I wish now, with all of my heart, that I’d felt brave enough to share this with her before. Maybe then – maybe then we could have found a way to make us work. All of us.

  “You lied to me too…”

  “No, Joss, it wasn’t like that. Please, you need to let me explain…”

  “You don’t need to explain anything. It’s none of my business. You do need to sign those papers on your desk though, and get them back to Maggie before lunchtime. Oh, and I’m leaving a little earlier this afternoon. I don’t have a class last period, and I’m going back to Hönö Klåva tonight, so, I want to get home and get packed.”

  “You’re going back to Hönö Klåva? With Alex?”

  “Yes, with Alex. Anyway, I need to get to registration…”

  “Joss…”

  She swings around and looks at me, and I’m feeling all kinds of shit here.

  “I wanted to tell you, I did, it’s just that…”

  She cocks her head slightly, her eyes still fixed on mine. “Like I said, it’s none of my business. We’ve all got secrets, right?”

  “Bobby wasn’t a secret, I never intended him to be that…”

  The phone ringing interrupts us, and frustration sweeps over me as she turns and heads for the door again.

  “You should get that. I’ll see you later.”

  I lean back against the desk, close my eyes and breathe in deep. Everything was supposed to be easier, here. Everything was supposed to be less complicated, here. So why does it feel like all we’re doing is creating an even bigger mess?

  101

  Joss

  I’d already assumed the child was his son. But I can’t remember if he’d told me he’d been married, because I’m not sure we ever talked about him enough for him to tell me all that much. I opened up a lot, to him. Yet, he felt he couldn’t open up to me. Didn’t he trust me enough? No… it wasn’t that, it was just none of my business. And I’m not going to spend this weekend dwelling on Connor Sloane, or Sam, or Summer, or any of that crap. This weekend I’m escaping. I’m running away, we’re running away. Me, and Alex.

  The cabin isn’t ours yet. The offer’s been accepted and the paperwork’s going through, the owners want a quick sale, but it still doesn’t belong to us. Yet. So we’re back at the same hotel we stayed in last week. The hotel we always stay in when we come here. The same rooms. Separate rooms, because I don’t know how this weekend is going to play out. I don’t know what I want, I just know that I want to be with Alex.

  “I’m sorry.” I lean back against the wall outside of my room, drawing my knees to my chest as I stare out at the sea. At the clear blue sky, the seagulls flying over the harbour. “For being a bit of a bitch these past few days.”

  Alex looks at me, the corner of his mouth twisting up into a slight smirk. “You’re forgiven.”

  “Thank you.” I smile back. I reach out and take his hand and I bring it to my mouth, quickly kissing his knuckles. “There’s just been a lot going on. And then finding out about Connor…”

  I leave that sentence hanging. Everyone knows about Connor now. He told the rest of the staff yesterday afternoon, after Alex and I had left. But Drew called us, told us everything Connor had told them, and now it makes more sense. The reason why he felt he needed to keep Bobby a secret, for a little while.

  “
Why does it bother you so much, Joss?”

  “Why does what bother me?”

  “Connor. And the fact he kept Bobby a secret from you.” He looks at me. “It’s all you’ve talked about since Drew called us last night.”

  I look away, back out at the sea and the harbour below. “Is it? Sorry.”

  “I thought you weren’t that close, you and Connor. I thought it was just a bit of fun.”

  “It was.” I turn my head to face him again. “It’s just that – we talked, a lot. At least, I talked. He never really opened up all that much to me… and then, yesterday, he wanted to. He wanted to explain everything to me, before he told anyone else. And I just walked away. I over-reacted, I let the fact that everyone around me has or is having kids get to me, I allowed that fucking crap I will never stop feeling…” I drop my gaze, stare down at my hands hugging my knees. “I’m never going to be a mum, but that doesn’t mean I have to resent those people who are parents. And I hate the fact that I do that sometimes.”

  “Do you still think you and Connor could’ve had something?”

  I shake my head, keep my eyes down. “No. We’ve both got things we need to deal with first before we can think about starting anything even remotely resembling a relationship.”

  “And what about me?”

  I look up at him. “I already have a relationship with you. You’re the only constant thing in my life, you always have been. Connor was a mistake. A nice one, but a mistake. Nothing was ever going to happen there, and we both knew that, in the end. We were a necessary distraction at a time when we both needed one. That’s all.” I smile. I’m in a place I love with a man who means the world to me. The only man I ever want to be here with. For the next two days I just want to forget about Connor and Sam and secret kids. I want to concentrate on me. On where I’m going. Who I’m going there with, if anybody. I don’t know, maybe I need to try some time on my own.