Tainted Love

by Michelle Betham

  I squeeze his hand tight, move my hips in time with his as he thrusts gently into me, it’s beautiful, calm sex. It’s what I want, what we both need; our circumstances have changed. We’ve changed, and now the thought of him leaving, even if it’s just for a day or two; I don’t want to be without him. I’ll be counting the hours until he returns from Hönö Klåva like some lovesick teenager, because he’s my whole world. Alex Olsson. He’s always been my whole world, I just didn’t know it. Until now.

  He slides his hand down, and he touches me, and I gasp again as he plays with me; as he comes inside me, I feel him, feel his body jerk above mine, his low groans echoing around the room. And for a few seconds he stops touching me, he takes his own pleasure before he pulls out of me; before he spreads me open with his fingers. Before he brings me to the kind of climax I never thought existed. A rush of warmth floods my body, my skin burns as his fingers continue to explore; enter me briefly then withdraw before plunging back inside me, causing a wave of something beautiful to wash over me. I feel my muscles contract around his fingers, a reflex action I can’t stop, and as I climax I feel his erection dig into the small of my back and he quickly flips me over. Replaces his fingers with his cock. He’s back inside me, and this time the sex is more frantic; his thrusts a little harder. He takes hold of my hips, pulls me up so I straddle him, he’s still inside me, and I hold onto him as he comes again. I hold him. I feel his skin next to mine, I breathe him in.

  We stay like that, just holding each other, until our breathing slows down. Until we’re ready to let go.

  “I’m going to push for a quick divorce,” I whisper.

  He looks at me; kisses me. He smiles, and I feel as if my whole world is changing, like it’s slowly getting better; starting to make sense again.

  “When I get back we start making plans, okay?” he murmurs, his lips gently brushing over mine as he speaks, and I nod. “We’ll get married in Sweden, honeymoon on Hönö Klåva, in our own private hideaway. We’re going to have a great life together, Joss, I promise.”

  He’s never broken a promise to me. Ever. So, I believe him. We’re going to have a great life together. And I can’t wait for it to start…

  129

  Summer

  What I have to do – I’m not proud. I don’t like what I’ve become, this was never me, never the woman I wanted to be. But I fell in love with Sam Coburn, and he changed me. He ruined me. He killed the person I once was and made me become this weak, needy woman who is about to do something so cruel; so wrong… I’m not proud. But I will try anything I can, do anything I have to to make him love me.

  I brush my hair. I stare at my reflection, I don’t recognise the woman staring back at me. There’s nothing there, behind those cold eyes, and that scares me. Everything scares me now. I’ve lost my closest friend. Lost that life I loved, and the people in it. I’ve lost my daughter, she doesn’t want to come home. She still can’t get her head around what I did. She talks to me now, sometimes, but I’m guessing that’s probably because Joss told her to. Beautiful, perfect Joss. She doesn’t want Savvi to drift away from me, and I should be grateful to her, for that. Did I really think she’d use my daughter as a weapon? Take her from me, to punish me? No. Deep down I knew Joss would never do that, despite everything I did to her. She isn’t that petty, she isn’t that evil. And I really should be grateful that she’s been there, for Savvi. That Savvi had somewhere to go, somewhere that was safe, where she’d be looked after. Where she could vent her anger at me and Sam and hate me all she wanted to, and Joss would listen, let her get it all off her chest, and then talk to her. Make her see that I’m still her mother. That, despite everything she may think of me, I still love her. More than anything.

  I drop my gaze, look down at my hand resting on my stomach. My empty stomach. It’s ridiculous how bereft I feel at something that was never there in the first place. But Sam – Sam needs to believe that there was, something there. He needs to believe that…

  130

  Joss

  I can hear music coming from the kitchen as I run down the stairs. And as soon as I reach the bottom, I smile. I shake my head and laugh. I recognise the song. ABBA’s ‘When I Kissed The Teacher’.

  Alex turns around and grins at me as I walk into the kitchen. “Thought this could, maybe, you know, be our song.”

  “You’re an idiot.”

  He pulls me into his arms, he kisses me, and I press my hands against his chest; I need to touch him. Feel him. He’s leaving soon, and I really don’t want to let him go.

  “We used to play this, when we were kids, remember?” He smiles, I smile back, he remembers how much of an ABBA fan I was, growing up in Sweden. I still am, a huge ABBA fan.

  “I remember.” The song changes to ‘Angel Eyes’, and I throw my head back and laugh again. “Are you doing this on purpose, Olsson?”

  He raises an eyebrow, he smirks, and I let my stomach somersault what feels like a dozen times over. “I’m not just a pretty face.”

  I look at him, the corner of my mouth edging up into a smirk of my own, but I don’t say anything as I step out of his arms and pour myself a coffee.

  “Joss?”

  I turn around. I look at him. And I wonder why it took us so long to get here. Why we let so many things get in the way. Why we hid from what we really feel for each other?

  “You should’ve told me, Alex.”

  He frowns. “Told you what?”

  “How you felt. You should’ve told me. Sooner.”

  He briefly drops his gaze, slides his hands into his pockets. He comes over to me, rests a hand lightly on my hip as he leans in to gently kiss my slightly open mouth. “We got here, Joss, that’s all that matters. We got here.”

  I smile. He’s right. We did. He was here, when I needed him. He always has been, he always will be. So, I shouldn’t dwell on all that time we’ve missed, I should concentrate on our future. On the new, very different memories we’re about to create. Together.

  “Yeah. We got here.”

  I pull him to me by his shirt, I kiss him back. I want to kiss him until my lips hurt, I’m loathe to let him go, but I have to. He has a flight to catch and I have classes to take. A couple of them are his.

  “Two days, Joss. That’s all. Two days, and we’ll have our little cabin. Two days, and I’ll be back.”

  Everything does feel different now, but it’s good. I’m not scared anymore, I’m not terrified I could lose him, I won’t, lose him. What we have – that bond, it’s too strong. It’ll never break, and when I look at him all I see is a beautiful life ahead of me. With a man who would never hurt me. A man who would do anything he could to protect me.

  “I love you, so much,” I whisper, pressing my palm lightly against his cheek, my mouth almost touching his as I speak. “I always have. I always will.”

  “I love you too, Josslyn Engström.”

  He loves me, too.

  Alex Olsson.

  Joss Engström.

  Together.

  Forever…

  131

  Sam

  I’ve never seen her so happy. She’s fucking beaming, is that because her best friend fucked her five ways till Sunday before he left for Sweden? To go buy their perfect fucking cabin on their perfect fucking island, shit! I’m bitter and angry and all these petty feelings are filling my head; consuming me.

  I watch her practically float around the staff room, her smile wide, her eyes shining as she talks to colleagues, laughs with friends. And she’s happy because she’s over me. Because she’s found love with a man who’s been a part of her life forever. She was born, and he was there. But she chose me, not him, she loved me, once. She loved me… once.

  She turns her head and catches my eye but she glances away immediately. She won’t even look at me now, and that breaks my fucking heart. I hate what I’ve done, how I’ve fucked up our life – no. It’s not just our life I’ve fucked up, I’ve ruined the lives of others’, too. Because
of one, stupid mistake.

  My phone rings and I reach into my pocket. I look down at the screen. Summer’s landline number flashes up, but I ignore it, slip my phone back into my pocket. I glance over at Joss again but she’s heading out of the staff room now, a pile of books tucked under her arm. She looks beautiful, dressed simply in black skinny jeans, ankle boots and a black shirt. She always looks beautiful, no matter what she wears.

  I look down, it kills me to see what I threw away. I don’t know if I’ll ever get over what I’ve done, I still love her, so fucking much.

  My phone rings again. I still ignore it. But it keeps on ringing, it won’t let up, so I yank it from my pocket and answer it.

  “What?”

  “Sam? It’s Savvi…”

  “Shouldn’t you be in school?”

  “Sam, it’s Mum. Something’s wrong, she’s…”

  “Hey, slow down. Slow down… what’s happened?”

  “She asked me to come over, to come home, she said she had something for me, but she wasn’t there, when I got here. There was just this note…”

  She sounds upset. Distressed. What the fuck’s Summer done now? “Savvi, sweetheart, you need to slow down… What was in the note?”

  “It said – said she’d gone to the hospital, just to be sure because… because she’d had some spotting…”

  “Are you at home? At Summer’s?”

  “She said, in the note… she said she didn’t want us at the hospital, she wanted me to stay here, but…”

  “Look, come back here, okay? Come to school, see Joss, she’ll stay with you until we find out what’s going on with your mum. I’ll go to the hospital, see if she’s all right.”

  “But she said…”

  “I don’t care what she said. I’ll call you, when I know anything. She’s probably just being cautious, but if anything’s wrong, she shouldn’t be on her own.”

  I hang up, head out of the staff room and straight to Joss’s form room. She looks up as I walk in.

  “What do you want, Sam?”

  “It’s Summer.”

  “What about her?”

  She drops her gaze, concentrates on the pile of books on the desk in front of her.

  “She’s at the hospital. Savvi’s just called, said she went round to see her mum this morning… Summer wasn’t there, she’d just left this note…”

  “Saying what?”

  “I don’t know, exactly, just that she’d gone to the hospital because she’d had some spotting…”

  She looks up again, and her expression this time is one of genuine concern. Despite all the shit me and Summer have put her through, Joss wouldn’t want any harm to come to Summer’s baby. My baby.

  “Is she okay?”

  “I don’t know. According to the note she left she doesn’t want anyone with her, which I don’t understand, why would she want to be alone….?” I can feel a faint panic starting to kick up inside me, something doesn’t feel right here. Something’s wrong. “Look, I told Savvi to come back to school, said you’d stay with her until we find out what’s going on. I’m heading off to the hospital now, she should have someone with her. Just in case.”

  “Yeah. Yeah, she should… It’s fine, I’ll make sure Savvi’s all right. You go. And Sam? I hope everything’s okay. With the baby.”

  I smile weakly. This is the most we’ve said to each other in days, and it’s all about Summer, and again I feel my heart break into a million pieces.

  I still love Joss. But I’ve lost her. And that’s something I need to accept now…

  132

  Summer

  God forgive me for lying like this. Forgive me for pretending to suffer something so real and so painful for no reason other than my own selfish gain; because I need the love and the comfort of a man who was never mine to take. But I’m taking him now.

  I sip my tea and look around the busy coffee shop. Students working quietly on their laptops. People staring down at their phones, in a world of their own. A small group of mums over in the corner, chatting away while their babies sleep peacefully in their pushchairs. I feel sick, just thinking about what I have to do, the part I have to play to make Sam believe I lost our baby. It’s wrong, I know it’s wrong, and yet, I’m going to go through with it. I have to, I have no choice. If he finds out there was no baby he’ll never come to me. So, I have to lie. I have to do this, I have to give us a chance.

  I hate that I had to use my daughter – that I asked her to come over this morning, knowing I wouldn’t be there. Knowing she’d find that note. That it would worry her, I hate that I had to do that. But I knew she’d call Sam. Is he worried too? Is the thought of me going through something so terrible making him realise how much he cares for me?

  Please, God, forgive me for lying like this.

  But I fell in love with Sam Coburn.

  A man who still loves his wife.

  Now I need him to love me…

  133

  Alex

  It’s a beautiful day here on Hönö Klåva. The sun’s shining, the sky is blue, and tomorrow I’ll have the keys to our cabin. Mine, and Joss’s. Tomorrow I’ll fly back home and we’ll start making plans. I’m marrying my best friend, I’m so fucking happy I could burst.

  I lean back in my seat, at our table, the one we always sit at when we come to this little café on the harbour. I sit back, close my eyes, and I let thoughts of Joss flood my brain. Her smile. Her laugh. Her naked body lying beneath mine…

  I remember that couple, the ones who’d asked if we were newlyweds, and I know that, someday soon, someone will ask us that question again and we’ll tell them we are. We’ll tell them that we’re happy; crazy in love, that we knew we were always going to be together. We were born to be together.

  Joss Engström.

  My best friend.

  My future…

  134

  Sam

  I try calling Summer as I make my way across the car park to the hospital entrance, but her phone keeps going straight to voicemail. I don’t leave a message.

  She didn’t say in her note which department she’d gone to so I’m trying A&E first; wait patiently in the queue, my fingers fiddling nervously with the keys in my pocket as I give the receptionist Summer’s details. But they have no record of her having been here. They suggest I try Obstetrics and Gynaecology, she could have gone there. So, I follow the directions I’m given, head two floors up, and again I give the staff all the information I have. They have no record of Summer having been there, either.

  There’s nowhere else she could have gone, this is the closest hospital to us, she wouldn’t have gone anywhere else, I’m confused.

  Back outside I call her again. This time she answers.

  “Sam, I was…”

  “Where are you?”

  “I’m at the hospital. That’s why I had my phone turned off, I was in with the doctor…”

  She’s lying.

  “Which hospital?”

  “Sam, I’ll be fine, you don’t need…”

  “Has something happened to the baby?”

  “Sam, really, you don’t need to come here…”

  “If something’s happened to my baby, Summer, I want to be there. You shouldn’t be alone. Which hospital have you gone to?”

  She pauses for a second or two before answering.

  “The General. Accident and Emergency.”

  She’s fucking lying to me.

  “But, Sam, please, don’t come here, there’s really nothing you can do.”

  “Has something happened to the baby, Summer?”

  Another pause. Anger and confusion fill my head now, I don’t know why she’s lying. I just know that she is.

  “I lost it, Sam. The baby. I lost it.”

  Is she lying about that, too? I don’t know what the fuck to think now.

  “But, I’m – I’m fine. I’m okay. They’re just – they’re going to keep me here for a little while, to check me over, that’s why it’
s pointless you coming here, there’s nothing you can do, but… can you come and pick me up? In about half an hour? I’ll wait outside… I really do need to see you, Sam.”

  She doesn’t sound like a woman who’s just miscarried a child. But that could just be shock, I don’t really know how a woman would feel under these circumstances. I don’t know how I feel. How I’m supposed to feel. Because I still don’t know what’s really going on.

  I lean back against the wall, I close my eyes and I think of Joss. Of how happy she seemed this morning. How beautiful she’d looked. And it tears me apart, I don’t know when that feeling is ever going to stop.

  “Okay. I’ll be there.”

  I don’t wait for her to respond, I hang up. I move away, wait further back, where she won’t be able to see me, but I remain close enough to be able to see the entrance to A&E. And as I wait I let a million and one scenarios race around inside my head, each and every one of them serving only to confuse me more.

  I watch as people drift in and out of the hospital, and I pass the time wondering just why they’re all here. Who they’re visiting. What news are they being told, is it good, or bad? And then I see her, striding across the car park, pulling her jacket around her, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand. Is she really upset? Or is this all for my benefit? I feel sick and guilty for even thinking that, for doubting her; for believing that she could lie about something like this, but she is lying.

  She stops by the entrance to A&E and checks her watch. She starts looking around, looking for me, but I stay back for a little while longer. I continue to watch her, her body language is nervous, she’s on edge. I need to know why she’s doing this, why she’s lying to me, so I start to make my way towards her, and the second she sees me it’s like she suddenly takes on a whole new persona. Her expression changes in a heartbeat, she’s playing a part now.