The Jaxon Effect

by KC Michaels

  “Thank you very much, Dr. Richards, good night,” she yelled hurriedly, not really sure if he was still behind her or not. If an apology was warranted in the morning due to her uncharacteristic behaviour so be it; she would deal with it in the morning because right now, she had a more pressing matter to attend to.

  She stumbled into the bathroom—just in the nick of time—and threw up multiple times into the toilet bowl. It was at least ten minutes, before the heaving had stopped. She pulled off her clothes and shoes—they felt confining and heavy—until she was wearing only a black lace thong and matching bra. The cold tiled floor felt so good on her feet; she just wanted to lie on the floor for a minute to cool off the rest of her body. She pressed her cheek against the cold tile; it felt heavenly.

  A few minutes later, Kate’s stomach began to settle, though she wasn't ready to stand upright yet. Her purse lay on the floor, where she dropped it. She stretched out her arm and was able to get her hand close enough to grab onto its handle, pulling it close enough to retrieve her phone from the side pocket; there was still no flashing light, which meant no missed calls. She had to call him, tell him how much she missed him. She had no idea what time it was, but an uncontrollable urge to call him came over her. She began to dial his number; however, focusing on the digits proved rather difficult. Still, she managed. As the phone began to ring she felt her stomach lurch, as if the sound of the soft ring woke a sleeping giant. She cursed as she shuffled to the toilet to throw up one last time, dropping her phone in the process.

  Groaning, she pressed her face to the tiled floor again, wishing she hadn’t had that third glass of wine.

  The next morning, she woke face down on the bathroom floor, shivering with cold. Never again, she promised herself. She rarely drank and that was the first time she experienced, firsthand, what it was like when a person had too much. She hauled herself up off the floor with a concerted effort, catching a scary glimpse of herself in the mirror. Her eyes were blood shot, her skin was pasty and she had the most God-awful taste in her mouth. She really needed a hot shower.

  Her phone was beside her in three separate pieces on the floor. It had come apart when she dropped it. She popped the battery back into its rightful spot and clicked the backing in place; she was shocked to see she had six missed calls, all from Jaxon. The last thing she remembered, from the previous night, was dialling his number. She groaned vowing never to drink again.

  Gingerly, she stepped into the shower, unsure if the quick movements would send her body in an upheaval again. The hot water soothed her aching muscles and took away at least some of the pain that both sleeping on the floor and the heaving had caused her. She had never slept on a bathroom floor before and she was determined never to do it again. Stepping out, she retrieved a towel from the rack and wrapped it around her body. She went to the sink and squeezed a double squirt of toothpaste onto her tooth brush; she had to get rid of the awful taste in her mouth and the usual amount of tooth paste didn't seem like enough.

  Feeling well enough to dress, she picked out a fitted grey suit and a black silk mock neck from her garment bag she had left hanging in the closet. She tied her damp hair back in a simple loose knot; blow drying it would take too much effort.

  A knock at the door startled her and she peeked through the peephole. Dr. Richards stood on the other side of the door, hands resting casually in the pockets of his blue suit pants.

  Kate opened the door. “Dr. Richards, good morning,” she said, far more energetically than she felt.

  “I see you are looking much better than the last time I saw you,” he chuckled. Embarrassed, Kate lowered her gaze to the floor. She hoped she hadn’t said or done anything in front of him, the previous night, that could come back to haunt her.

  “Look about last night,” she tried to explain. “I am truly sorry; I don't know what came over me. I have never had something like that happen to me before.”

  Again, he brushed her concerns aside. “Kate, don’t worry about it. I wanted to make sure you were okay. Now that I see you are dressed, would you like to join me for breakfast?”

  The last thing Kate wanted was food. She may have looked much better, but she still felt like she had been hit by a semi-truck. Yet, after last night, the way she fled from the elevator without even a proper thank you for seeing to her welfare she felt she owed him that much.

  Kate wrinkled her nose and held on to her fragile stomach, as the unwelcomed aroma of breakfast food filled the air. “I think I'll just have a glass of orange juice,” she said to the waiter who had come to take their orders.

  “Maybe some toast.” Dr. Richards suggested, looking at Kate with a raised brow, making it a very strong point that he expected her to follow his advice.

  “Okay sure, toast,” she agreed, “but no butter, thanks.”

  The waiter took down the order and left. Dr. Richards winked across the table at her, pleased she ordered the toast. She hoped she would be able to keep it down.

  “Kate is there something wrong?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “You don’t seem like yourself. I'm a little concerned.”

  God, one indiscretion involving alcohol and he’s concerned?

  “Everything is fine,” she assured him. “I really didn’t drink that much. I just hadn’t eaten and I…”

  “No Kate, I wasn’t talking about the few glasses of wine. I noticed a change in you even before last night; you seem preoccupied. Is there anything you want to talk about?”

  “I 'm just worried about Jade,” she said. “I'll feel better as soon as they catch Kenny.”

  It had been partly true and thankfully he didn’t press her to speak more about it.

  By the time lunch time came around, Kate was feeling more like herself again. She didn’t think she was quite ready to eat a full meal yet so she slipped up to her room to call Jaxon. He had called her six times through the night; she must have made the connection to his phone before she dropped hers. She'd apologize, telling him that it was an unintentional pocket dial. It was believable.

  She stepped out of her shoes and sat down on her bed. She took a deep breath, to calm her nerves, and then dialled Jaxon's number. His voice mail picked up right away. She’d actually hoped that would happen. That way she could leave her prepared explanation—for the late night phone call—on his machine, and avoid talking to him altogether. She choked up inhibiting her ability to speak, when she heard his pre-recorded voice through the receiver. She hung up, not able to leave a message. A single tear fell slowly down her face. Don't be a pathetic loser Kate. It was fun while it lasted, but it is over.

  She sat a few more minutes, in complete silence. The only sound that could be heard in her quiet hotel room was the ring from the elevator bell, down the hall. She pulled the conference itinerary out of her suit jacket pocket; there were two breakout sessions planned for the day. She had a choice; either she could join a panel discussing clinical trials—hosted by Alomen, a Canadian drug company—or she could sit in on a lecture by Dr. Laura Sanford.

  Kate happened to be familiar with Dr. Sanford’s work. She was one of the top psychiatric doctors in the country. Just recently, Kate had seen her face on the front cover of a medical magazine she had been leafing through at the hospital. Sanford was being honoured for her work with a rehab clinic in Michigan and the magazine had published a full page story on her. The story mentioned that female doctor had been working with addicts for the past twenty years, successfully helping patients cope with the emotional issues attached to life after detox.

  Kate entered Dr. Sanford’s lecture room and with the exception of a few vacant seats in the very front row it was already a packed house. The lecture was informative and eye opening. Kate was pleased with her choice. An hour and a half later Dr. Sanford bowed appreciatively, thanking the crowd for their time and applause. She was so charismatic and sure of herself. Kate envied her. Dr. Sanford was a stunningly beautiful woman, probably twenty years older than Ka
te. She had short spiky blonde hair, dark red lips, and a small frame. She was confident, sophisticated, attractive and, above all, brilliant; someone both women and men could admire and respect.

  With the conference coming to a close, Kate was booked to fly home the next day. She really didn’t feel up to a big meal that evening, but since she had skipped lunch and barely ate breakfast, she really needed to get something to eat. Opting for something quick, she ordered a plate of pasta at the bar. Rather than press her luck with wine again, she ordered her usual soda water with lime. The food arrived remarkably quickly and although she should have been ravenous, she found that she just couldn’t eat. She was hunched over staring down at her plate, moving her food around pointlessly with her fork, when she heard a familiar, friendly voice.

  “Penny for your thoughts?”

  Kate straightened up in her chair, utterly surprised to see Dr. Sanford had taken the seat beside her. “Pardon?”

  “I said, penny for your thoughts, but please forget I said so. Sometimes I forget I'm not working; I tend to analyze every sad face I see. I saw you in my lecture today, didn’t I?”

  “Yes, my name is Doctor Kate Sims.” She held out her hand to the woman, who cordially accepted it. “I really enjoyed your session today. I’m a huge fan of yours. I’ve read several of your books and articles; fascinating stuff.” She took a breath. “I'm sorry, I'm rambling. It's just that I admire your work very much.”

  “That's very kind of you to say,” Dr. Sanford replied with a smile. “Are you in Psychiatry?”

  “No, I decided I would be better suited to the ER."

  “Oh and why is that?” Dr. Sanford asked curiously.

  “I don’t know.” Kate shrugged. “I guess I just thought I wouldn't be good at psychoanalysis.”

  “Have your own set of problems, is that it?”

  Kate stared at her blankly. She was good.

  “Relax honey,” Dr. Sanford said, laughing. “I'm teasing.”

  “Oh,” Kate said, forcing a chuckle. The little joke had been right on the money.

  “So, where are you from, Kate?”

  “Manhattan. I'm in the ER at William Henry.”

  “Dr. Richards' candidate?”

  “Yes, I am.”

  “You are in good hands with him,” Sanford assured her.

  “I agree”, Kate was still a bit awe struck that she was actually conversing with the Dr. Laura Sanford.

  “I haven’t been to Manhattan in a long time,” Sanford said. “The last time I was there was four years ago; I was visiting a close friend. I've been thinking about going back; I love that city.”

  “Is your friend still there?” Kate asked. At least the casual conversation with Laura Sanford was keeping her mind off Jaxon.

  “Yes, we speak regularly. But I'm sorry; I am interrupting your dinner. Please go ahead and don’t mind me.”

  “No, it's fine,” Kate said, pushing away her plate. “I'm stuffed.”

  “I'm sorry if I sound like I am prying, but you haven't touched a bite. Is something troubling you?"

  Kate frowned. She really didn’t want to talk about her problems, she wanted to forget them.

  “Oh God, there I go again.” Sanford apologized, immediately. “I'm so sorry; I don’t have many friends and I think it’s because I don’t know when to stop prying. I tend to analyze people too much.”

  “Actually no,” Kate reassured her. “It’s okay really. You're right. I’m in a bad place right now.”

  “Do you want to talk about it?” Dr. Sanford asked, formally, putting on her professional cap.

  “No,” Kate replied. “I mean I appreciate the offer, but I'm sure you would rather enjoy your down time.”

  “Nonsense,” she replied. “I love my work. This is what I like to do in my down time.” Kate smiled with honest ease.

  “I think I have fallen in love with someone who isn’t even capable of love and I have no idea what to do.”

  Kate couldn't actually believe she had just divulged that. No wonder Dr. Sanford was so successful; she had a way of making people open up, without even trying.

  “Oh honey, everyone is capable of love,” Dr. Sanford said, placing a comforting hand on Kate’s. For some reason, Kate welcomed it like she would a hug from her mom.

  “I wish that were true,” Kate said sadly.

  “Don't sound so grim; it’s true. Take my friend from Manhattan, for example. He was the one person that was the exception to the rule; I never imagined him falling in love – ever. He avoided relationships like the plague, but he has finally met someone who managed to get under his skin, now he's on the love train.

  “Good for him. He must be very happy.”

  “Ha!” Sanford laughed. “He’s miserable actually.”

  “Really?” Kate asked in surprise. “Why does he love her if she makes him miserable? Doesn’t she love him?”

  “Oh no, you misunderstand,” she clarified. “She isn’t making him miserable; he is doing it to himself. The thing is he has no idea that he loves her. She makes him feel things that scare him. It’s sad really. He’s trying to fight it—unsuccessfully—and it's killing him.”

  “Why would he do that?” Kate asked, knowing just how that poor woman must be feeling.

  “Self-preservation,” Sanford said bluntly. “I just hope he realizes, before it’s too late. I'm sure this young lady won’t wait around forever and I know when he does finally realize he loves her, he will spend the rest of his life proving it to her. Men like that, the ones who fight love every step of the way; when they fall in love, they fall hard."

  “What does he think of your theory?”

  “I haven’t told him.”

  “What? Why?”

  “Because I value our friendship and if he feels I'm too involved in his personal life, he will shut me out. Besides, this is something he needs to figure out on his own, otherwise he will spend the rest of his life trying to prove me wrong. In the end, I could actually do more harm than good.”

  “He sounds rather complex.”

  She sighed. “You have no idea.”

  “What causes a person to be like that?” Kate asked, really wanting to know more. Maybe she could get some insight on Jaxon; maybe there was hope.

  “It's different for everyone, but it usually always boils down to things that happened in the past… bad things that aren't easily forgotten,” she paused for a moment and then continued. “People who have been hurt in the past often put up barriers, in an attempt to make sure they don’t make the same wrong choices again. They see themselves as being weak, especially during the low parts of their life. Whatever they think is the cause of their weakness is precisely the thing they try to avoid. Unfortunately when it comes to relationships it can be very destructive.”

  Kate knew that was true, from firsthand experience. “So in this case your friend was in love before?”

  Sanford shook her head. “I don’t know if it was actually love; he was fairly young, but betrayal is betrayal. It was his first relationship, his parents had both passed away and when it came to that girl, he had blinders on. She was evil, through and through, but he couldn’t see it.”

  “He doesn’t trust this new girl not to hurt him, to take a chance?”

  “Well yes that could be part of it, but I also think he doesn't see himself as worthy. There is a whole part of his life that he hasn't shared with her, both past and present; things about him which he doesn’t think she’ll accept.”

  “Secrets are never good,” Kate said matter-of-factly. After all, she knew that firsthand too.

  “No, they aren't, but the point is there is always a reason behind why people act the way they do in certain situations, especially with matters of the heart. It just takes the right person to come along and give him, or her, a reason to finally deal with those issues. By accepting that the past is the past, they stop allowing it to dictate the future.”

  “Do you think it will work out between your frie
nd and this woman?” Although she didn't know them, Kate found herself hopeful for them.

  “It's hard for me to say without knowing her,” Sanford concluded. “I’d need a better idea of her level of commitment to the relationship. “She has to know that once she opens up that part of him fully, there is no turning back. She has to be sure – in her heart of hearts – she will accept him for who he is.”

  This friend of Dr. Sanford was pretty lucky, Kate thought. It was quite obvious that Dr. Sanford cared for him very much.

  “I have to go to the ladies room,” Sanford interrupted. “Do you mind watching my drink?”

  “No, of course not.”

  “Thanks,” she said appreciatively as she picked up her purse. “I won’t be long.”

  Dr. Sanford's story gave Kate a lot to think about. What were Jaxon's fears and was she strong enough to help him face them? Could she stick it out, no matter how hard it became? What if he exposed something so horrible that she just couldn’t accept it? Was she even the right woman to help him though it all? There were so many questions running through her mind her head hurt, and the worst of it being, what if he didn't care about her at all? That, she couldn't even bear to think about. It made her feel physically ill and that thought alone gave the answer to the biggest question of all. She truly was in love with him.

  ***

  CHAPTER 15

  Kate pulled some money out of her purse, to pay her food bill. She would wait for Dr. Sanford to return from the ladies room, as she had promised, but she really wanted to go back to her room. She wanted to be alone, to think things through. Her situation with Jaxon was no longer as cut and dry as she first thought, because now she knew for sure she loved him.