by Iris Deorre
‘I know, I’m not sure if I’m going to eat it but I want to try,’ she smiled.
‘I’m really impressed, well done you, for getting as far as ordering it.’
Jasmine felt a little bit more relaxed and not overly anxious although the turmoil in her mind hadn’t vanished. She still had her daily struggled but somehow she felt she could manage them a little bit better.
‘What’s brought about this change?’ Ella asked biting into a slice of pizza.
Jasmine’s thoughts quickly moved to Zack. They’d spent quite a bit of time together and each time it felt easier with him. There had been absolutely no pressure on his part for her to be a certain way and he’d embraced her with all her flaws. The one thing she hadn’t done was invite him into her home, Jasmine wasn’t sure she was ready to show him that part of her life. The constant switching on and off of the lights still hadn’t changed, she still couldn’t stop cleaning and her evenings were still consumed with unhealthy eating although she’d began to incorporate better food into her diet.
‘Well,’ she looked at Ella with a sly smile on her face. ‘I’ve met someone.’
‘No way! And you didn’t think to tell me this!’
‘I wasn’t sure, I’m still not sure where it’s going.’
‘Honey you over think things. You should just go with the flow.’
‘Yep, that would be weird.’ Jasmine laughed.
‘Yeah, it would be.’ Ella giggled. ‘So what’s he like?’
‘Stunning, absolutely stunning!’ There was no other way to describe him.
‘Wow, I’m so happy for you.’
Just then a waiter brought a boxed salad and a bottle of coke. Jasmine felt her heart thud as she eyed the food in front of her. She could do this, she had to do this. But the more she told herself that the more she panicked.
‘Are you alright?’ Ella asked watching Jasmine’s demeanour change.
‘Urm... I don’t think I can do this.’
‘Why not honey, you can at least try.’
‘I can’t!’ she snapped.
‘Okay then don’t.’ Ella could never understand it but she’d been her friend long enough to know she didn’t mean to shout.
‘I’m sorry for shouting at you.’
‘Don’t worry about it, I shouldn’t have pushed you.’
Jasmine eyed the Greek salad through the plastic sheath. She tried to get rid of the terrible thoughts that passed through her mind. The fact of the matter was that she’d done a check on the restaurant before and it had an A star rating for cleanliness. Could she believe that? Was it the reason they always returned to it and yet she still couldn’t master the courage to take a bite of food.
‘So what are your plans for the weekend?’ Ella tried to distract Jasmine from her thoughts.
‘Oh urm.’ Jasmine looked up from the salad. ‘I’m seeing Zack.’ She beamed.
‘Oh well...it looks like there is progress.’
‘Yes I’d say there is, he’s just different.’ She tried to explain just how different.
‘I’m impressed, he must really like you.’
Jasmine had to agree and yet she couldn’t understand why. Each time she stood before the mirror passing judgement upon herself, the more she questioned Zack.
‘I guess he does,’ she said finally then proceeded to open the coke. She pulled out the straw from the wrapper, placed it into the drink and took a sip. ‘I like him too,’ she said.
‘Ooooh, this is getting really interesting. Jasmine liking someone, he must be really special.’
‘Yeah, he is.’ She smiled and took another sip and felt her body relax and the crazy thoughts move to the back of her mind.
After a while of small talk, Jasmine reached for her bag and pulled out a fork that was securely placed in a sandwich bag. She opened the bag, pulled out the fork and inspected it. Ella decided not to say a word just in case she disrupted Jasmine’s thoughts. She continued to eat as if nothing was wrong and waited while Jasmine attempted to open the salad.
There was salad dressing in a little packet that came with the salad. Jasmine pulled open the dressing and sprinkled it over the salad. It smelt divine and her mouth began to water. She watched the salad for a moment as if it were going to reach out and strangle her, but then she shook her head and knew that there wasn’t anything dirty in it and began to eat.
It tasted amazing and as it hit her taste buds over and over again Jasmine felt the comfort.
‘This tastes good,’ she had to admit and took another fork into her mouth.
‘So where are you guys going?’ Ella asked.
‘Well, I’m not sure yet. I guess we’ll decide on the day.’ Again she put food into her mouth. ‘As long as it’s not too busy and you know...’
‘Totally, I know you so well.’
‘Thank you,’ Jasmine said.
‘For what?’
‘For being my friend, for caring about me and my craziness.’
‘I love you, you know that. I just wish...’ she decided to let it go.
‘It’s okay you can say it.’
‘I just wish you’d let me come to your house or you come to mine.’
Jasmine nodded, she wanted that too but it was too big of a step.
‘One step at a time, right? I mean look I’m eating a salad in a restaurant, who knows one day I’ll be at your door.’
Ella smiled and nodded, she wanted that so much.
****
When Jasmine got home and had done the usual routine of locking and unlocking the door, flicking on the lights off and on and walking through the kitchen to check the contents of the fridge, she walked over the answer machine and pressed the message button.
Honey its mum, why don’t you call or come and see us anymore. Dad and I are worried about you. Are you okay, please send me a message just to let us know you’re okay. Don’t hide yourself away. We love you.
There was a beep and then the line went dead. Jasmine pressed the play button again and listened to her mother’s soothing voice. She’d never wanted to stop visiting them but every time she went back to Manchester, she relived her old life and all the horrible memories rushed back in, sending her into an overdrive stressful period.
It was always hard work to see her parents; she had to make sure she did things the way that made her comfortable. The minute she stepped into the house was the minute she became seventeen again. It was inevitable and it didn’t do her any good.
For the last time she played the message and let it touch her deep down, allowing her mother’s voice be the comfort it always was. Next she headed for the bathroom and took a long shower. There were thoughts of Zack instead of negative thoughts of being back home. With Zack on her mind she seemed to be safe, safe from feeling as though she had to fix herself in someway. She wondered where they would go and what they would do and whether she would cope. It seemed that the minute Zack appeared it was always easier to cope; he always managed to put her at ease.
Jasmine stepped out of the shower and towelled herself dry. She brushed her teeth until she was spitting blood then headed for her bedroom. She pulled out a pair of clean pyjamas and finally got into bed and after a while fell asleep. Her life had changed, even though they were baby steps, it was a significant change for Jasmine.
Chapter Eight
Jasmine had changed several times before she settled on the black dress that stopped just above her knees. It clung to her body like a glove showing off all the beautiful curves. It dropped into a V at the top allowing her to show off a bit of her cleavage. It had been a hard decision but she’d managed to stick with that one. She chose kitten heeled black shoes and her black and silver handbag. The outfit had been topped off with silver earrings and a silver necklace.
Her mobile buzzed and she quickly looked at the message. She’d asked Zack to stay in the car and send her a message to let her know he had arrived. Jasmine had wanted to avoid the awkward routine of her departure from the house that
took a while.
She put her mobile into the bag and switched off the bedroom light. Halfway down the stairs she walked back and switched on the light and then off again.
‘It’s off,’ she told herself. ‘Now go.’
She headed downstairs and began to switch off all the appliances except the fridge. She switched the kitchen light off and on several times then did the same in the living room. All that was left was the light in the passage that she would switch off as soon as she stepped out. She shut her eyes and took a deep breath. Terrified but thrilled as well she pulled the latch back and unlocked the door. Before stepping out she switched off the light, took a deep breath and counted to three to try and stop herself from switching it off and on again in front of him. But the more she resisted the worse the urge became and so she switched it back on and then off again a few more times.
Jasmine had begun to sweat; nerves had got the best of her, could she do this? Could she step out with him and act normal? She shut her eyes for a few moments and whispered. ‘You can do this.’ She locked the door and took a step back but couldn’t resist the urge to unlock it and lock it again. Jasmine leaned into the door.
‘It’s locked dam it, walk away!’ She locked it. ‘Just walk away.’ She unlocked it again. She scrunched her eyes and felt irritated and annoyed at herself and locked it again. ‘It’s locked its okay,’ she whispered against the door. ‘Walk away!’ But she found herself doing it again a few more times.
Zack sat in the car patiently and waited, he’d looked over at her a moment but allowed her to do what she needed to do. Ten minutes had already past since he’d sent the text but he was alright, he’d wait for as long as it took her.
Finally Jasmine locked the door and felt the satisfaction she needed and walked towards the car. Zack hopped out and opened the door for her.
‘I’m sorry I took so long,’ she said.
‘Don’t worry about it. There are wipes on the side if you want to wipe down the car seat. I promise I’ve done it already though.’
She giggled feeling embarrassed and yet there wasn’t any judgement from him. She bent over and reached for the wipes and did a quick clean over the leather.
‘I couldn’t resist,’ she said.
He smiled and shut the door after her and she finally settled into the car. He walked back round to the driver’s seat and hopped in. He turned his body so he was looking directly at her.
‘Can I give you a kiss?’ he asked.
Jasmine pursed her lips; she wanted nothing more than to kiss him.
‘Look,’ he said pulling a wipe from a different batch all together. ‘Kills all known germs.’ He ran the wipe over his lips.
In an odd way Jasmine found it arousing that she stopped him and pulled away his hand and pressed her lips against his. It was sudden, like nothing she’d ever felt or done before but she’d just felt her body move forward and do it. They kissed a while longer and suddenly she pulled back breathing heavily.
‘I loved that,’ he said moving back to his side of the seat.
‘Me too,’ she said looking straight ahead too afraid to look into his eyes.
‘Where would you like to go?’ he asked.
Jasmine turned to him and said, ‘There is a restaurant a friend and I frequent. They even know me now...’ she giggled. ‘They know my silly quirks.’
‘They’re not silly, different doesn’t mean silly.’
‘Why are you being so nice to me, why are you doing this?’ She felt nervous. All her life people had been judging and dismissing her behaviour and calling her crazy. And here was this man who didn’t seem to see it.
‘I like you and that’s all there is to it,’ he said genuinely.
Jasmine sat back feeling a little uncomfortable, it was hard to imagine that he liked her just the way she was. There were only a handful of people who liked her or tolerated her, to name one Clive; he tolerated her for his own benefit.
‘So direct me to this restaurant and let’s go and eat.’
She nodded accepting that perhaps he just liked different and she hoped that she wasn’t a project, someone he was studying or trying to make different.
‘It’s in Leeds city centre I think you know it, everyone does.’
‘Well then let’s be off.’
It took them a good thirty minutes to finally settle into the seats, after Jasmine had done her part of wiping down the seat. Majority of waitress’s on duty knew who she was and had become familiar with her. A couple of them nodded and she nodded back.
‘You were right they do know you,’ he said with a grin.
‘Yep, I’ve been here a few times. I mean how can they forget a woman who cleans the seat before she sits down.’
‘True.’ He laughed and gazed at her.
Jasmine shifted and took in a deep breath, it felt right and yet her mind wouldn’t rest with the chatter.
‘So what are you going to order, since you know this place so well?’
She giggled.
‘Do share,’ he raised his eyebrows loving the sound of her giggle.
‘I’ve only just tried their salad a few days ago after years of just having a diet coke.’
‘Well then that’s big right?’
‘I think so, I mean I know they have an A star rating for cleanliness, one of the reasons I chose them.’
‘Well that’s a bonus, at least you have somewhere to go and who knows in future you’ll find another place just as good.’
She nodded, it was nice being with him and in a way he seemed too good to be true. But each statement he made sounded genuine and true and there wasn’t anything that stated otherwise.
‘I think I’ll go for the steak and jacket potato,’ he said and shut the menu. ‘Half a pint of lager would do too.’
‘Sounds nice.’ Her eyes wandered down the menu. Would she be able to take another step of faith and order something different? ‘I think I’ll go for the salad and a bowl of their thick cut chips.’
‘That sounds great.’
The waiter soon arrived and they placed their order. They went on to talk about things that weren’t of much importance. Zack didn’t want to put too much pressure on Jasmine all at once nor did he want to overwhelm her with too much information of his life.
‘So do you love your job?’ she asked.
‘I do, I mean I run my own architectural firm. I love having the freedom of being the guy in charge although it is a lot of work.’
‘What made you choose to become an architect?’
‘I’ve always wanted to build my dream home abroad. I have the drawings all set up and ready and I know one day I will.’
‘Wow, when do you think you’ll start and where do you think it will be?’
‘Well, I’ve always had this vision that it will be somewhere romantic, a place where I can take my future wife and share an amazing time. My dream is to build this dream home with her.’
Jasmine felt shy a little while, it sounded so romantic so huge.
‘I guess she will be a lucky lady.’
He laughed at her statement, deep down he wanted her to be that woman but at the same time he didn’t want to frighten her away by mentioning it too soon.
‘I think I’ll be a lucky man to have her.’ He gazed into her eyes to send her the message.
Jasmine lowered her lids and gazed at the table, for a moment she fiddled with her hands and then looked back at him.
‘What about you, why accountancy?’
‘Numbers, I’m good with numbers and for some reason when I’m working with numbers, I’m at peace. My mind goes into this state of calm and all that occupies it is numbers.’
‘That sounds interesting.’
‘It is, I figured that out while I was at school dealing with stuff. When I focused on my maths, did maths problems nothing else mattered, everything was just on the problem. The thing is though, I must make sure it’s perfect and this drives my boss insane.’
‘Well it ca
n’t be that bad otherwise he would’ve fired you.’
‘Believe me, he’s wanted to do that for so long but our clients keep me in my job. If I move they move with me.’
‘You must be good.’
‘I suppose I am, I mean it’s kept me in a very good job.’ She smiled.
‘I guess things aren’t as bad as they seem.’
‘Maybe not.’ Jasmine had never thought of it that way.
The waiter arrived with the drinks and not long after that the food arrived. Jasmine pulled out her little bag with cutlery and pulled out a fork. Zack smiled gently as he picked up his knife and fork but made no comment, instead he started to eat as if nothing odd had just happened.
Jasmine started with the salad, it was easier because she’d done it before. The move onto the chips was harder but she picked up one and slowly placed it in her mouth. As she chewed and tried not to think about how it had been prepared and the damage it could do to her body, she felt her throat restrict. Zack noticed the change in her face and reached out and took a chip from the bowl.
‘I am going to demonstrate how good and how clean these chips are. They’ve just come out of extremely high heat that is able to kill any bacteria that was on them.’ He pushed it into his mouth and began to chew.
‘Hmmm, they taste so good.’ He chewed a little longer then swallowed. ‘There, everything’s perfect.’ He started back on his own food as if nothing was wrong.
The whole act had tickled her and set her at ease. Nothing had happened to him and it was safe to say nothing would happen to her. The chip slid down her throat and soon Jasmine began to enjoy them.
‘Do you ever wish you were a different person?’ she asked suddenly.
Zack looked at her a moment with kind eyes then said, ‘When I was younger yes, but now...no. I love who I am and who I’ve become. Why do you ask? Do you?’
‘All the time! I wish things had been different growing up. If I had been a different person then things wouldn’t be this way.’
‘Believe me you wouldn’t want to be a different person. Everyone has their own story and sometimes theirs is worse than yours. You’ll discover that your life is better in comparison.’