Crying Out Silent

by Marita A. Hansen

  “For fuck’s sake, shut the hell up, you li’l pussy.” He clamped a hand over my mouth. “And stop clenching your arse. That’s why it’s hurting. Not my fault you’re clueless.”

  He pushed his cock further inside of me. I screamed into his hand and blacked out, coming to with him moving on top of me, grunting and moaning. This time I didn’t fight him, just prayed for it to be over, my tears wetting the pillow.

  After what seemed like forever, he gasped and stiffened on top of me, then collapsed, squashing me underneath him. Although the pressure hurt, I remained still, praying he wouldn’t start moving inside of me again. A million heart-beats later, he pulled out and climbed off me, leaving the room without a word. I remained on my front, still crying, not understanding what had just happened, how it had happened, or that it possibly could have happened.

  A pipe groaned loudly, the sound of water being turned on. I pushed up, wincing from the pain below, and picked up my underwear, jolting in surprise when something ran down my leg. I looked down, horrified to see cum mixed in with blood on the inside of my thigh. I frantically wiped it off with Ant’s bedcover, then pulled on my undies and shorts.

  Once dressed, I left his room, pausing outside the bathroom for a moment, scared as I heard Ant singing over the sound of running water. He was clearly happy, the complete opposite of what I was feeling. Wiping my cheeks, I went into the sitting room, pushing my feet into my shoes. Not bothering with the laces, I grabbed my bag and opened the door, jerking back at the sight of a woman standing on the front step with keys in her hand. She looked like a female version of Ant, just a lot skinnier, darker, and older, plus the barbed wire tattoo around her neck made her look considerably harsher.

  She frowned. “Who are you?”

  “Llew-llewellyn Da-davies,” I stuttered, barely getting it out, my fear returning, everything inside of me hurting.

  “No, I mean, why are you coming outta my house crying?”

  I didn’t reply, not knowing what to say. Unable to say it.

  Her frown deepened. “What did Ant do to you?”

  “N-nothing,” I said, although I wanted to tell her everything, just couldn’t.

  “I don’t believe you, so tell me what my son did to make you cry.”

  “Please, ca-ca-can I just go home?” I spluttered out, unable to stop a sob.

  She stepped aside and swept out a hand for me to leave. “Then walk.” When I didn’t move, she yelled, “Walk!”

  I gingerly descended the steps, jolting as she yelled, “I’m gonna kill him!” I turned to look at her, her face devastated. I knew in that moment, she realised what Ant had done to me, but instead of trying to tell her I was fine, that nothing had happened, I turned and walked away, hoping she would live up to her words.

  ***

  I pretended to be sick when my mam came home that night, my red and puffy eyes making it believable. Plus, I threw up my dinner not long after having it. She took me to the doctor’s the next day, the man asking me where it hurt. I partially lied, telling him my stomach, which did hurt, but not as much as below, which hurt way more, the blood on the toilet paper scaring me. But I felt too ashamed to tell him what had happened, too horrified over what had been done to me.

  I managed to take the rest of the week off from school. When I finally returned, my body was back to normal, but mentally I was far from okay, what Ant did to me now screwing with my head continuously. Not only that, I was absolutely terrified of seeing him again. It was why I hesitated outside of my homeroom, that fear stopping me from entering. But the choice was taken out of my hands when Ash’s ex appeared behind me.

  “Move it,” Jenna barked, shoving me into the door. It swung open, causing me to stumble into the classroom. She pushed past me, muttering, “Twat.”

  I righted myself and looked over at Ant’s desk, petrified of him seeing me, but he wasn’t there. However, his friends were, Ash one of them. My eyes automatically latched onto him. He glanced up as though he knew I was looking at him. A scowl crossed his face, forcing me to drop my gaze for a few seconds, before I looked back up to check if he was still watching me. He wasn’t. His attention was on his mates, as they chatted between themselves.

  “Stop perving at Ash, you bloody creeper!” Jenna yelled.

  I stiffened as everyone’s eyes turned to me. “I-I wasn't.”

  The teacher walked in right at that moment. “You weren't what, Llewellyn?” he asked, closing the door behind him.

  “N-Nothing,” I said, quickly scampering to my desk, hoping Jenna didn’t say anything else.

  She didn’t, all of her attention was now on Ash, who was glaring at her. He shook his head at her and turned back to his friends. Jenna continued to stare at him, looking like she wanted to cry.

  I wanted to cry to, but not because of Ash or her. I stared at the doorway, dreading Ant walking through it. To my relief, he didn’t show. He didn’t show for the rest of the week either. It wasn’t until two weeks later that I saw him. He had his head hanging down as he walked to homeroom. The memory of him on top of me came back. I took off, not returning that day. But when I showed the next day, he was sitting at his desk. His eyes instantly latched onto me when I walked through the door. I quickly headed to my own desk, beyond relieved when he didn’t come over. He continued to ignore me throughout the morning, not approaching me once. Though, seeing him was still unbearable, because every time I caught a glimpse of him I felt like crying. No boy had ever hurt me as bad as he had, even the one who’d broken my rib at my previous school.

  At lunchtime, I went to the spot behind the gym, relieved to be away from Ant as well as Tiana’s uncomfortable questions. She’d kept asking me whether I was all right, clearly noticing how upset I was. She was the only person in my class that was nice to me, a goldfish amongst a school of piranhas. I kept deflecting her questions, eventually blaming fake allergies for why I looked on the brink of tears. Tears that were now streaming down my cheeks.

  I blew my nose and looked up at the sky, which was clear, nothing like my mind. I didn’t know what to do, everything bunching up inside of me, a pressure building, making me want to scream. But the scream didn’t come, my breath instead catching as Ant appeared around the corner, his eyes zooming in on me. I froze, fear taking over, my voice going silent, fright stopping me from moving.

  He stormed over and grabbed me by the shirt, yanking me to my feet. “What the fuck did’ja tell my mum?” he yelled in my face.

  I started crying hysterically, unable to answer him, everything inside of me going into overdrive.

  He shoved me against the gym wall. “Why am I even fuckin’ asking?” he spat. "I already know what you did.” He slapped his hand against the wall next to my head, making me jump. “You told her I raped you, you li’l shit.”

  I shook my head. “I di-didn’t,” I sobbed, my whole body shaking violently.

  “Don’t lie to me!” he barked.

  “I’m not ly-lying. She-she saw me leave, but I-I didn’t t-t-tell her anything.”

  “I don’t believe you,” he growled. “You told her I forced you. I’m not a fuckin’ rapist. You liked what I did to you, so why did’ja lie?”

  “I-I didn’t like it, it hurt, and I said no.”

  He took a step back, looking like I’d slapped him, then his face hardened. “You did like it,” he snapped, thrusting a finger at my chest, “so don’t gimme that bull. And you defo didn’t tell me no.”

  “I did, and I cried and screamed, but you wouldn’t stop.” I sucked in a breath, my blocked nose making it hard to breathe, his presence making it even harder. “I didn’t want any of it.”

  “You did.” He shoved me against the wall. “So, tell me you liked it.”

  I shook my head, making his expression turn vicious. I covered my face, terrified he was going to hit me, but he yanked my arms down and kissed me instead. Frantic, I tried to push him away. He pulled back and punched me in the stomach, causing me to buckle over.

/>   He grabbed me by the hair and yanked my head back, making me gasp from the pull. “She hit me, over and over again,” he said, his face twisting, sorrow darkening his eyes. “I wanted to hit her back, but I didn’t, cos she’s my mum. But what she said hurt more. She called me a rapist scum like my father, then continued to hit me until I wuz on the floor, crying for her to stop. She finally did, walking out. I haven’t seen her in two weeks. You did that, you caused her to leave me.”

  I tried to shake my head, but his grip on my hair grew tighter, making me yelp. “If you ever complain ’bout what I do to you again, I will kill you. Do you understand?”

  “Yes,” I sobbed, barely able to get the word out from the pain.

  “Good, cos you’re gonna pay for what you did to me, what you caused my mum to do.”

  He let go of my hair and grabbed me by the cheeks, planting his lips against mine. I didn’t fight him this time, too scared of the consequences, but they came anyway. He broke the kiss and smashed the back of my head against the wall, then stormed off, disappearing around the corner. Distraught, overwhelmed, and in so much pain, I collapsed to the ground and curled up into the foetal position, wishing I’d never been born.

  ***

  That afternoon, I stole some of my mam’s pills. They were different from the ones I’d taken on the first day of school. They did nothing, other than cause a slight stomach ache. When my mam came home from her hospital shift, I went to bed, complaining of a headache, not telling her that it was due to what Ant had done. I lay on my side, the back of my head too sensitive to put any pressure on.

  The next day, I brought a knife to school, a small one I’d slipped into the front pocket of my bag. I wanted to use it against Ant if he came near me, but instead I used it to cut my leg so I didn’t have to go to class. The nurse patched it up, and I spent the English lesson in the sickbay, getting questioned about how it happened. I told her I hurt it while climbing a wire fence. I knew she didn’t believe me, but she stopped asking questions.

  Ant ignored me for the rest of the week, but I caught him looking at me constantly, his different expressions telling me he wanted to either bash me or have sex with me, both equally terrifying. I avoided him at all costs for the rest of the term, grateful when the holidays came. Those two weeks were a life-saver. I didn’t want them to end, and was terrified when they did.

  On the first day back at school, Ant bashed me into a locker, his dreadlocked mate laughing in response. The following day he threw a basketball at my face during gym class, sending me to the nurse with a bloody nose. On Wednesday, I came to school with two black eyes, which the basketball had caused. Ant made jokes to the class that cocks had done it when they’d missed my mouth. People laughed, while I shrunk down in my chair, wanting to die.

  7

  ASH

  May

  Jenna’s hand brushed my arse again, and it was really fucking me off. I tried to be nice to her, tried hard to ignore her embarrassing flirting, but she wouldn’t leave me alone. I knew she wanted to get back with me, shit knows why after what she’d said back in February, but now every chance she got, she touched me. I couldn’t turn around without that chick dogging me like some bitch in heat, trying to worm her way back into my life. Again, I was trying to be nice to her, because I felt like shit for how things ended between us, but I was with Tiana now and there was no way I was dumping that sweetheart for anyone. Tiana was the perfect girl, so sweet, never complaining, oh, she did give me disapproving looks when I said something rude, but I found it amusing, not annoying. BUT JENNA... she used to punch my arm when I said things that annoyed her. So, no fucking way was I going back to her and her crazy-arse, no matter how pretty she was.

  Jenna brushed her hand over my arm this time. Our class was playing volleyball, and Jenna had managed to weasel her way onto my team. Even though she was a good player, I didn’t want her on my side, but bloody Ant had been chosen as captain, so he’d picked the best players, not caring if he liked someone or not, just as long as he won.

  A slap hit my arse a second later. Not putting up with this shit anymore, I spun around on Jenna. “Stop feeling my arse up!” I said a bit too loud. But I was beyond caring. Now I understood why chicks hated getting their butts patted so much, though I was never the type of guy who did that shit. That was Joel’s thing, not mine.

  Jenna’s cheeks flushed, matching the pink streaks in her hair. “I didn’t do anything, it was Rhoda.”

  The tall girl next to her yelled out, “No, I didn’t!”

  I knew it wasn’t Rhoda, because every time I got my arse touched Rhoda would snigger, “Go girl.” Plus, Rhoda had the hots for my mate Marko, who was standing right in front of her.

  “Just don’t do it again,” I said, ignoring the sniggers from Joel, who was telling Jenna to touch her other friend’s arse instead, that the lesbo would like it.

  Jenna looked like she wanted to punch him, and I wouldn’t put it past her, because the chick was like Ant times two when it came to violence. I totally didn’t get why she was like that, because I’d met her family and they were nice... well, her brothers could be pricks, but still, she went above and beyond them. Seriously, she needed to check into a psyche ward, because as far as I could tell she was mental. I just wished that I’d known she was a bunny-boiler before I went out with her.

  I turned back to wait for the ball to be served, hearing Jenna making a snipe at Rhoda, telling her she was a bad mate. I rolled my eyes. The chick was never able to take responsibility for anything she did. My thoughts on her disappeared as the volleyball sailed over the net towards me. I jumped up and slammed it back over, scoring a point for my side as it hit the floor in between my girlfriend and her best mate, the two not knowing what the hell just happened. I blew my girl a kiss, getting a stunned look in response. Tiana was probably shocked that I’d just slammed a ball at her. Not like it would’ve hit her, no way. I was good at volleyball, could totally pinpoint where the ball was going to hit, just didn’t like the game that much, rugby more my taste.

  “Yeah, take that, Tiana!” Jenna yelled behind me.

  I ignored Jenna, waiting for the serve. The ball sailed over my head, going back and forth in lazy arcs, until one of the better players on the other team got a hand to it, hitting it hard in my direction. I went to return it, but Jenna pushed me out of the way and whacked at it, smacking it onto the other court.

  I spun around on her. “What the fuck wuz that for?”

  She looked at me sullenly. “I called it.”

  “You did not!”

  “Yes I did, you just didn’t hear me.”

  “Just move to the back of the court and don’t come anywhere near me again.”

  “No, you move.”

  “Piss off, I wuz here first.”

  She crossed her arms over her chest, pulling her tight little gym top even tighter. “Well, I ain’t moving.”

  Ant yelled at us to shut it, then ordered the player on the other side to take the serve. I turned just as the ball came sailing over the net, my mate Joel hitting it back. Tiana on the other side returned it, the ball going back and forth until Ant yelled, “It’s mine!” then slammed it down hard, the ball crashing into Llewellyn Davies’ face, knocking the kid down. Everyone in his team turned to him. Mr. Daniels, the gym teacher, pushed through them, dropping to his knees to help Llewellyn.

  Ant sniggered behind me. I spun around, pissed off he’d hurt Llewellyn again, because there was no way it wasn’t on purpose since Ant had an even better aim than I did. He also made it his life’s mission to torment Llewellyn because he was gay. Whoopy-fucking-do, so the fuck what? It was none of Ant’s business who Llewellyn liked, which everyone knew was me, because he couldn’t stop staring at me. And if I could ignore it, I didn’t see why Ant couldn’t.

  “You’re a fuckin’ prick!” I yelled at Ant.

  A look of surprise crossed Ant’s face. I’d never yelled at him for picking on Llewellyn before, actually, I ignore
d it because it wasn’t my issue, but that had been the second time this week that Ant had planted a ball into Llewellyn’s face, and this time Llewellyn looked really hurt.

  “It wuz an accident,” Ant said, still appearing surprised I’d yelled at him.

  “That’s bullshit and you know it. Why can’t you leave him alone?”

  Ant jabbed a finger in Llewellyn’s direction. “That gay bitch deserves everything he gets,” he snapped back.

  “It’s not his fault he’s gay, but it’s your fault you’re a nasty cunt.”

  Ant's eyes widened, then without warning he surged forward, ramming into me, taking me by surprise, although I shouldn’t have been. He’d always been a dirty prick when it came to fighting, doing anything to win, no matter how low it was.

  I fell backwards into Joel, who steadied me, but before I could do anything to Ant, Jenna stomped on the back of his heel, making him holler in pain. He spun around on her, getting a knee in the balls for his trouble. He let out an oomph, then collapsed to the floor.

  The gym teacher, who’d been attending to Llewellyn, rushed over. “Go to the principal’s office!” he barked at Jenna, probably only seeing what she’d done and not Ant’s part in the fight.

  “Ant shoved Ash!” she yelled. “I was protecting him.”

  Mr. Daniels dropped down to Ant. “You all right?”

  “She got my balls,” he squeaked out, clutching them.

  Mr. Daniels’ gaze whipped back up to her. “Office! Now!”

  Jenna started complaining like crazy, saying anything to get out of going to the principal’s office, but eventually left in defeat, Mr. Daniels not having any of her excuses.

  He indicated for Marko to come forward. “Help Ant to the changing rooms. Get an icepack.” Once Marko and Ant were on their way, Mr. Daniels turned to me. “Take Llewellyn to the sick bay,” he said.

  I sighed, knowing I was standing in the wrong place at the wrong time, so I headed over to the kid, who had a hankie over his nose, his blood tainting it. Llewellyn looked up, his eyes going wide at seeing me.