On The Inside

by Kim Cano

  “Are you going to go natural or do the epidural?”

  Lakeisha thought about it. “The plan is natural, but I’m not going to turn away pain meds if it starts to become unbearable.”

  “That’s my girl,” Megan said. “No need to be a hero. Take the drugs.” She smiled and added, “Laura and I will stop by afterward. We have a little something for the baby.”

  “Sounds good.”

  When Lakeisha finally went into labor, her husband rushed her to the hospital. She was in a lot of pain and asked for the epidural, but they said they couldn’t give it to her because something was wrong. There was frenzied activity all around her. The doctor was shouting commands.

  The next time Lakeisha woke, it was morning. She’d passed out during the commotion she guessed. When the nurse came in to see her, Lakeisha smiled. She couldn’t wait to see her baby.

  “I’m sorry to tell you this. But your baby didn’t make it. She was stillborn.”

  Lakeisha processed what she said and felt ill.

  Her name would have been Ashley.

  Chapter 17

  When Lakeisha returned to work, her mind wasn’t on the mail. She was heartbroken and unhappy, but refused to take anti-depressant medication. The daughter she lost consumed her thoughts. She wondered why she had been blessed and then had the gift taken away. Still, Lakeisha plodded along, trusting there was some greater reason for her suffering. Her husband had been extra attentive lately, and even though they were both despondent, they were closer than ever. He’d promised they would try again when she was ready.

  The sound of a siren growing louder in the background caught Lakeisha’s attention. She stood up and walked over to the window and noticed an ambulance racing toward the gates. A moment later, the phone rang.

  She hurried back to her desk to grab it. “Lakeisha speaking.”

  It was the staff nurse. “Warden Laura is being taken to the hospital. She’s having a heart attack.”

  “Oh no!” Lakeisha gasped.

  “Tell the others,” the nurse said, then hung up.

  Lakeisha was immediately worried sick. Laura had been complaining she wasn’t feeling well lately and thought it might be indigestion. Good Lord, Lakeisha thought, when problems hit they all seemed to come at once. She finished contacting her co-workers, telling them each the news and most took it badly. Megan became especially distraught, her voice quivering as she spoke. She sounded on the verge of tears.

  The paramedics whisked Laura away to the hospital, and the guards were instructed to keep the event between staff and to not let prisoners know. Easier said than done though, as a handful of inmates had been out on the yard when the ambulance pulled up.

  *****

  As word of Warden Laura’s incident spread, the officers remained vigilant while prisoners began reacting to the news.

  “I hope that bitch dies!” one of the women cried out. She wrapped her hands around the bars that held her in captivity and gripped them as tight as she could. “You’re gonna meet your maker, you rotten white piece of shit,” she screamed.

  Her comments were like a call that beckoned, inviting others to join in, and soon there were more, like echoes, each trying to outdo the last in severity.

  “Die, Warden Laura! I hope you rot in Hell. You motherfucking cunt!”

  “The devil has a special nightstick waiting for you, bitch!”

  The slander grew increasingly malignant, and the atmosphere volatile, making it difficult to confront each prisoner. Before the guards could figure out how to best handle the situation, a group chant broke out.

  “Die, Laura, die. Die, Laura, die. Die, Laura, die…”

  Hoots and whistles erupted in the background, and the malicious incantation intensified, accompanied by all manner of clanking and foot stomping. Total pandemonium.

  One of the officers—who felt she wasn’t paid enough to deal with this shit—asked her superior what to do.

  “If we start cracking people upside the head with batons, it will only get worse. Better to let them wear themselves out. Let’s keep our eyes peeled and make sure no one gets hurt though. The last thing we need is for one of them to start fighting with their cellie. Save your energy, in case we have to handle something like that.”

  The officer nodded and went back to her assigned area, skin prickling with discomfort. She would definitely step up her job search when she got home.

  *****

  “Goodness. Can you believe how everyone is shouting?” Abigail said to Jess. “It’s terrible.”

  Jess could believe it. She’d even been tempted to join them and let some of her inner rage dissipate but thought better of it. For one, she didn’t want any of the guards to remember her as being included in the mayhem. Who knows what kind of trouble that could bring at a later date? And two, she could see Abigail was appalled by the scene. Keeping quiet was a win-win as far as she could see.

  Abigail looked back at Jess when she didn’t respond, and Jess just shrugged. “Look around. It’s not exactly an etiquette convention. The place is a dump.”

  Cracking her neck, Abigail said, “You’re right. I guess I’m just getting spooked. I hate being here.”

  Jess had never heard Abigail complain about being in prison. It seemed she was increasingly agitated lately. A shoulder massage would help for a while, but then whatever plagued her mind continued to torment her, and she’d be troubled again. The only time she seemed to completely be at peace was when Jess read to her, which she did often. But when they were just hanging out, killing time, something they had an abundance of, she seemed more and more uptight.

  Jess wondered if Abigail would ever tell her what her crime was. She wished she’d share it with her already. Maybe then she could help. Maybe having someone to talk to would make her feel better.

  All Jess wanted was for Abigail to be happy. But when it came to this inner demon Abigail struggled with, Jess felt powerless.

  A stern voice came over the intercom. “Unless everyone wants to skip dinner and wait until breakfast tomorrow to eat, stop chanting and sit down in your cell. No one will be allowed to leave until there is order.”

  “Finally,” Abigail said. “A sane voice. God, I’m starving. I hope these idiots shut up soon. I really want to eat.”

  “We’ve got chips, just in case,” Jess reminded her.

  Abigail paced back and forth looking highly agitated, ignoring Jess’ attempt to soothe her.

  Soon the cries from beyond began dissipating, the mob giving thought to their basic needs, like food and water. Around a half hour later, the excitement faded and things returned to normal. They were all still locked up in prison and Laura, regardless of what they thought of her, was a free woman being taken care of by doctors. Something to ponder as they ate their miserable-tasting dinners.

  *****

  The following day, Megan woke up and got ready to go to the hospital to visit Laura. That meant missing a date with her boyfriend, but he told her not to worry about it, that he’d see her at home afterward. This one wasn’t clingy, and for his efforts he was rewarded with a key to her apartment, often staying over a few nights per week.

  “Hey,” Megan said to Laura, while holding a vase of flowers. “You gave us quite a scare.”

  Laura lay in bed looking weak and exhausted. “I always knew this job would kill me,” she joked.

  Megan smiled faintly, then set the vase on her bedside stand. “Well, it didn’t. You’re too tough for that. You just need to take it easy.”

  “Yeah. And it’s not just a suggestion anymore. It’s an order. Have to change my diet and find time to exercise too.” Laura rolled her eyes like that was going to happen.

  “Is there anything I can do to help?”

  “No. I’ve got these guys to wait on me,” Laura said. “But thanks for offering.”

  “Okay. Well, if you change your mind and need me let me know.”

  “I will,” Laura said with a smile.

  Laura’
s husband was just returning from the snack machine with two of the kids, and Megan thought it appropriate to leave. She didn’t want to take up all their visiting time. “Oh, almost forgot,” she said, handing her a get well card. “It’s from everyone. Lakeisha wanted to visit, but she didn’t seem up to coming to the hospital. She told me to tell you she is praying for you.”

  “Thanks,” Laura said, and held onto the card, choosing not to open it right away.

  “Get better,” Megan said. Then she waved and left.

  As she got into her car, she thought about all the recent challenges: her near strangling, Lakeisha’s tragedy, and Laura’s heart attack. They’d had their fair share of bad luck. Maybe the tide would turn soon.

  *****

  “I wish my husband would have died of a heart attack,” Debbie said to Kristen. “No such luck. He was a fit bastard too. One of the things that attracted me to him in the first place.”

  “My husband isn’t buff,” Kristen said. Technically, they were still married. “He’s just normal. Burns a lot of calories working on cars, so he doesn’t have to work out.”

  “Unlike his wife, the exercise queen,” Debbie smirked.

  “Just something to occupy my time, like working in the garden.”

  “Yeah. While you were out working, you missed the insanity in here. I thought they were going to tear gas us all.”

  “I was planting some flowers and had just been battling an ant attack on my ankles when I heard the ambulance. I was curious as to what was going on, but no one was talking. When it was time to come back in, they told me to hang tight, so I kept working. I could stay out there all day. No offense.”

  “None taken,” Debbie said.

  “I wonder if Warden Laura made it? She’s always been fair with me,” Kristen said.

  “I’m sure we’ll find out soon enough. And yeah, she seems fine. Just doing her job. What an awful one, right? Who would want to run a prison?”

  Kristen didn’t reply. She was entertaining another small hope about Florida’s sentence reduction plan. She really hoped Laura recovered. Not just because she had always been fair with her, but because she’d have a better chance of leaving sooner with her in charge than with someone new.

  Chapter 18

  Kristen’s oldest son Ryan had been approved for visitation, but each weekend she suffered a familiar disappointment. No visitors. Ryan had gotten more serious with his girlfriend, Valerie, and they had been spending all their free days on dates or hanging out with friends. He kept in touch though, writing monthly, and just when all hope seemed to be lost, he said he would come and visit with Toby, who had just turned eighteen. All he had to wait for was Toby’s visitation papers to be approved.

  The news of Toby’s authorization came to Kristen first. Seeing the paperwork made her overjoyed. She hadn’t been this happy about anything in the entire time she’d been locked away. She didn’t know when they’d visit, but they would eventually, and that was all that mattered. It had been so long since she’d seen her boys. In the years that passed, she’d watched them grow in a succession of photographs Olivia had sent her. They both looked like little adults now, she thought. All their innocence lost. Time she’d never get back with them.

  Kristen had always wanted Olivia to visit her too. They’d discussed it once via letter, Olivia reluctantly admitting it might be too much for her to handle, that she’d see her on the outside one day. That made sense to Kristen. Just as she sugar-coated the outgoing mail to Olivia, leaving out some of the more upsetting prison events, she knew Olivia did the same with the information that filtered in to her. The two women had established a comfortable balance, something that could be upset if their dynamic changed. Plus, Olivia remembered Kristen as fun and fabulous. Seeing her there would probably be too painful.

  Lakeisha stopped by Kristen’s cell and had a smile on her face. “You’ve got mail,” she said.

  With the positive expression she wore, Kristen knew it could mean only one thing: the boys were coming to visit. She’d gotten good at deciphering what kind of news was headed her way depending on Lakeisha’s expression. No eye contact meant something bad. Her friendly, but often vacant expression meant a basic life update from Olivia. Today’s grin spread from ear to ear. And Kristen quickly snatched the envelope from Lakeisha’s hand.

  Mom,

  We just got word that Toby’s approved. Woo hoo! We are finally coming to see you this weekend.

  Sorry it has taken so long. I just didn’t want to come by myself.

  Love,

  Ryan

  Tears of joy sprung from Kristen’s eyes. She didn’t try to stop them. She set the letter down, and Debbie gave her a big hug.

  “See, honey. It’s all gonna be okay, like I told you.”

  Her words sounded like the soothing comfort of a knowing mother, something Kristen had never experienced.

  Kristen wiped away her tears. “I know. I believe you now.”

  “So are they both coming?”

  Kristen nodded. Her heart felt like it would burst at the seams.

  “That’s wonderful! When?”

  Kristen looked up, radiating happiness. “This weekend.”

  Debbie smiled too. Then they sat together enjoying the moment, saying nothing more.

  *****

  Time dragged like a high school detention on a beautiful summer day until Sunday’s visitation. The week felt like a year to Kristen. Even the activities she usually enjoyed, like gardening and exercise class seemed to bring no pleasure. All she could think of was seeing her boys.

  Saturday night, Kristen wasn’t able to sleep. As much as she wanted to be refreshed and looking her best the next day, she just couldn’t relax. The anticipation was too great, and she was worried. What would they think of her appearance, she wondered, wearing her faded prison uniform and looking like a hardened version of her former self? Would it frighten them? Would they still think of her as their mom? What if it got back to Jeremy how awful she looked? Her figure was the best it had ever been, but her skin, tanned and rough, was different. She wasn’t the glamorous woman she once was. Surely they’d notice. Surely they’d tell their dad.

  After stressing for hours, she finally decided it didn’t matter. Jeremy wasn’t coming and still hadn’t written. This wasn’t about him. It was about the boys. She couldn’t change what they saw and hoped they wouldn’t care. Maybe when they looked in her eyes they would see what she wanted them to see, a mother who truly loved them.

  Despite her lack of sleep, the following morning Kristen felt energized. She showered, brushed her teeth twice and carefully combed the knots out of her hair. Usually the lack of privacy got on her nerves. She hated being undressed in front of a bunch of other women. But today it didn’t upset her. Today was her day.

  At the appointed time, a corrections officer approached her cell. “You have visitors,” she said flatly.

  Kristen jumped up, the officer’s unexceptional line sounding like music to her ears. She was taken to a waiting area she had never been to before, where she sat with other inmates. The mood was upbeat in the tiny space, everyone excited to have contact with someone from the outside world. Within five minutes, a guard popped her head in and motioned for Kristen to follow.

  The visitation area was a large cafeteria. Silver tables with attached benches were spread throughout, and there was a spot to purchase microwaveable food and vending machines for soda and candy. It was decorated to have a cheerful, homey feel to it, much more pleasing to the eye than the rest of the prison.

  Kristen saw Ryan wave as he and Toby came walking toward her. The sight of them stole the air from her lungs, and she wanted to cry all over again but promised herself she wouldn’t, not until they were gone. She had to be strong today.

  “Hey, Mom,” Ryan said as he opened up his arms.

  Kristen wrapped hers around her oldest boy and hugged him so tight she thought she might crush his ribs. He smelled of men’s cologne and bubble gum mix
ed with the scent of fresh air. “Hey, honey,” she whispered to him. “I missed you.”

  “Missed you too,” he said.

  Forcing herself to let go and pull away, she smiled at Toby. He’d grown twice the size it seemed, no longer the boy he’d been on their last trip to Atlantis Resort.

  “Look how tall you’ve gotten,” she said, then put her arms around him and gave him just as big a hug as she’d given Ryan.

  “Ow!” Toby joked.

  Kristen loosened her grip and smiled. “Sorry, honey. I just missed you so much.”

  Toby smiled. “Missed you too, Mom.”

  With two guards seated nearby watching their every move, Kristen, Ryan, and Toby walked over to a bench and took a seat. The other prisoners and their conversations faded into the background. Kristen’s focus was completely on her sons.

  “They said we could bring money and buy lunch. Are you hungry?” Ryan asked Kristen.

  “You didn’t have to do that,” she said.

  Toby chimed in. “We know, but we wanted to. What are you in the mood to eat?”

  Kristen’s stomach was nervous, but she didn’t want to pass up fast food. It was the first time she had access to something other than the usual slop.

  “I don’t know,” she said, looking around. “Let’s see what they have here.”

  The three of them made their way to the food station and picked out two burgers and a hot dog. They purchased two Cokes and a Sprite and a package of Starburst and returned to their seats.

  Ryan looked uneasy. Kristen had heard about the security procedures. They’d get patted down, have their bodies scanned with hand held wands, just like at airport security. Their shoes would be removed and searched, and a corrections officer with clear plastic gloves would look inside their mouths and under their tongues, making sure they weren’t concealing anything. They couldn’t bring anything in with them except their driver’s license and some cash to purchase food.