On The Inside

by Kim Cano

  Jess.

  How many more people need to get hurt because of me? Abigail thought. Shanice could have died. What stunt would Jess pull next to remain by her side? Who else would get hurt?

  Sighing, Abigail came to a conclusion, one she had been mulling over all day long. She had to take herself out of the equation. She had to make sure everyone she loved moved on.

  She’d already done enough damage.

  Just like that, Abigail made her decision. She stood up, squared her shoulders and walked over to grab a pen and a piece of paper. When she’d finished writing, she got down on one knee and said a silent prayer. Then she rose, pulled the sheets off her bed and arranged them in a makeshift noose, attaching them to the top bunk in a way that would guarantee success.

  Abigail’s final thought before she left this world was of her beloved son, Devin.

  Chapter 33

  Laura approached the cell and took in the sight. “Damn it,” she cursed.

  There hadn’t been a suicide in five years. Precautions were taken to prevent it, and if someone displayed depressive behavior, they were given meds and put on suicide watch. But Abigail had been a model prisoner, considering her crime. By all accounts – her work in the garden, her participation in the workout routines, even in the way she interacted with other inmates – she had been doing fine.

  “Take her down,” Laura ordered.

  As the guard fumbled to get the door open, Laura gazed at Abigail’s tiny pale body. Suicide was a horrible thing, against her religious beliefs, and she wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Yet there was a small part of her that felt in this case justice might have been served. Nothing sickened Laura more than a woman who could kill her own child. She would never share that opinion with anyone of course, and she felt guilty for even having the thought, but there it was, a real feeling all the same.

  While Abigail’s body was being taken away, Laura saw the suicide note and scooped it up. She let the guards finish while she strode back to her office to handle one of the worst parts of her job, contacting the family.

  She was not looking forward to that.

  Laura propped her elbow onto the desk and used her hand to support her forehead. Then she began rubbing it in an attempt to ease the stab of an instant migraine brought on by stress. She couldn’t remember the last one she had, all she knew was this one was intense.

  She pulled her desk drawer open and rummaged through it, searching for medication. She didn’t find any and let out an irritated sigh.

  “Might as well get this over with,” Laura said aloud, then opened her PC and did a search for Abigail and her family’s contact numbers.

  When Laura saw Abigail’s dad’s name had Dr. in front of it, she cursed again. This wasn’t going to go well. White collar professionals asked a lot of questions. Especially doctors and lawyers.

  She reached for the phone and dialed, and to her surprise, Abigail’s father answered.

  “Hi, this is Warden Laura Johnson calling. I’m afraid I have some very bad news to share.”

  “What kind of bad news?”

  “Sir, I’m sorry to inform you, but your daughter Abigail passed away last night. It was suicide.”

  There was no response from the other end.

  “Doctor. Are you still there?”

  “Yes,” he finally answered in a shaky voice. “I’m here.”

  The rest of the conversation went fairly smooth, and when Laura hung up, she hoped Abigail’s parents would focus on planning the funeral and saying goodbye to their daughter instead of placing blame on the institution she ran. They would meet when they came by to pick up her belongings, and she would once again offer her sincere condolences.

  She hoped that would be enough.

  *****

  Jess sat in solitary confinement trying to fall asleep. It was midday and there was nothing else to do. She couldn’t get comfortable because her ribs hurt and the purplish bruises that covered her body were tender. She’d just about dozed off when a guard came to the door.

  “Get up,” she said, cuffing her without explanation.

  As they walked toward Warden Laura’s office, Jess inwardly smiled, satisfied her plan had worked. No doubt Laura was going to tell her she was in deep shit, that she’d have to go to court where a judge would charge her with battery, and she’d be given additional time.

  She couldn’t wait.

  Warden Laura stood looking out the window with her back facing the door when Jess and the guard entered. After they walked in, she turned and said, “Have a seat” to Jess, sounding calm. Jess couldn’t read Laura’s mood. Usually, she glared at her with disgust, but not today.

  Laura sat down at her desk and opened a large manila folder. “As you know, there will be consequences to your actions. It was a rather foolish move on your part.”

  Laura looked up from the file and made eye contact with Jess. “It’s almost like you don’t want to leave us,” she said.

  The expression on Laura’s face made Jess uncomfortable.

  “Here’s the deal,” Laura continued. “I’m going to add a charge of battery, and you’re going to have to go to court for the incident with Shanice. So it looks like you’ll be staying with us a while longer.”

  Jess tried to contain her excitement and look tough. She was surprised how easygoing Laura’s demeanor was. She thought she would’ve been much harder on her.

  Laura got up and nodded to the corrections officer, and then all three of them began walking back toward Jess’ regular cell. Jess had no idea why Laura was coming along and grew fearful. Something definitely wasn’t right.

  When they arrived, the guard opened the door and un-cuffed Jess. Then Warden Laura walked into the cell with her, and the officer stayed outside.

  Jess began to panic.

  Warden Laura reached into her pants pocket and pulled out a piece of paper and handed it to Jess. “I believe this is for you,” she said.

  Jess took the note from Laura, unfolded it and read what was written.

  Jess,

  I’m not going to let you ruin your life so you can stay here with me. I love you with all of my heart and want you to leave here and be happy. Promise me you’ll do that.

  Abigail

  Jess felt her stomach drop, then looked up at Warden Laura, and around the room.

  Abigail’s things were gone.

  Gripped by terror, Jess looked to Warden Laura for an explanation.

  “I’m very sorry Jess, but Abigail committed suicide last night. The guard found her hanging in her cell at morning check.”

  Laura nodded, and the officer standing outside opened the cell door and she walked out. When the door shut, the sound was so final, so crushing, it killed every last bit of hope in Jess’ heart, and she fell to her knees and wailed like she never had before.

  Her life was officially over.

  Jess wouldn’t leave her cell for the rest of the day. Her broken ribs and bruises were the least of her pain, although constant crying had caused them to hurt even more. Jess lay on the lower bunk where Abigail used to sleep and sobbed. She hadn’t seen this coming. She never could’ve imagined this.

  “Oh, Ab,” she sobbed. “How could you leave me? Why did you do this when I love you?”

  Jess cried into the void expecting an answer, but all she got in return was a broken heart.

  She lay in pain remembering the first day she saw Abigail. She was a vision from Heaven. It had been love at first sight. And from that moment on, all she wanted to do was make her happy, even if it meant all they could ever be was friends. It was almost impossible to believe that her prayers had been answered. She used to feel she was the luckiest person alive.

  Jess remembered Abigail’s stiff neck and how she used to rub her shoulders, how she’d pace and bite her nails when she was stressed out. She thought of all the times they’d read aloud to each other. The adventures they went on, right there in their cell. She almost smiled when she thought of Abigail’s train wre
ck attempt to mimic a man’s voice while reading that first time.

  The memory of Abigail’s provocative last dance surfaced, and Jess could still see every detail as clearly as when it happened. With eyes closed, she re-watched the sensual show, appreciating it all over again.

  She thought of all the times she’d touched her, kissed her, every intimate moment they shared. She didn’t want to forget any of them. Then she rolled over and buried her face in her pillow and began sobbing harder. She couldn’t accept reality, that Abigail was gone forever.

  Jess couldn’t fathom what it would be like to live in world where she no longer existed. Abigail was everything to her.

  Before lights out, Jess wiped her tears, dried her hands on her uniform and read Abigail’s note again. She read it several times in a row, like in doing so she’d obtain some message other than what was written.

  She had killed herself so I wouldn’t stay. How could she do such a thing? Jess wondered. How could she think she was doing it for me?

  As darkness filled the room, Jess realized what she’d done with Shanice. Thinking she knew what was best for them had been a horrible mistake. Abigail had gone and done the same thing, only her decision made the matter final.

  Jess remembered Abigail’s words that night: “You’re leaving here and living a happy life. End of discussion.”

  Jess had promised her she would.

  Picturing her beautiful goddess hanging dead in the room horrified Jess. Abigail had sacrificed her very soul to make sure Jess moved on and lived a happy life. “Promise me you’ll do that,” she’d written.

  But Jess knew she could never be happy again. She wouldn’t be able to keep that final promise.

  Chapter 34

  Lakeisha, Laura, and Megan were eating lunch at the employee cafeteria when Megan said, “I think I might go to Abigail’s funeral.”

  “Really? Why?” Laura asked.

  “Personal reasons,” she answered, looking pensive. “And I thought it might be nice if someone from here made an appearance. It would look good.”

  Lakeisha nodded. “That would be mighty kind. I’m sure her parents would appreciate that.”

  Laura seemed to be evaluating the pros and cons of the idea. “I think it’s wise. I’ll give you the time. No need to clock out or take a personal day.”

  “Okay. Thanks. I think I will then. I just feel like saying goodbye to her.”

  Without saying it, she’d said it all. Lakeisha knew how serious Megan was about her job. If she couldn’t help someone, she took it personally. And Abigail had never been easy. She knew Megan had tried hard and hadn’t made a dent.

  After Megan cleared her tray and left to use the restroom, Lakeisha said to Laura, “You know she feels responsible, right?”

  “What? That’s ridiculous,” Laura said. “How could she feel responsible? Abigail hadn’t been to a session in ages. Plus, she’d been acting fine. Not even on suicide watch.”

  “I agree, but you know how Megan is. She tried so hard to reach Abigail. She really wanted to help her.”

  “Hmmm,” was all Laura said in response.

  *****

  Megan got the funeral information by contacting Abigail’s father Gary. Although clearly exhausted from grieving, he seemed thankful Megan would be attending. When she pulled into the parking lot, she could see why. There were hardly any cars. Not many people wanted to pay their final respects to a woman who had killed her child.

  The place had dimmed lighting and smelled of fresh flowers. And as Megan walked in, she felt unease in the pit of her stomach. After seeing the trio of family members in the room, it was like she’d intruded on someone else’s private world. Her reason for being there seemed trivial.

  Abigail’s parents rose when they saw her. They’d never met before, but it was probably easy to figure out who she might be. They came to meet her halfway.

  “Hi, I’m Gary, and this is my wife Lois,” Abigail’s father said.

  Megan put out her hand to shake theirs. “I’m Megan. We spoke on the phone. I’m so sorry for your loss.”

  The words caused visible pain on both their faces. And Megan’s heart broke. She wished she could’ve done more for Abigail.

  Abigail’s parents introduced her to the gentleman who had been sitting nearby, a little off to the side by himself. “This is Steve,” Gary said. “Abigail’s ex-husband.”

  “Nice to meet you,” Megan said, studying him closely. He looked vacant, devoid of emotion.

  Services hadn’t yet begun, and it was customary to chat for a while. Instead, Megan found herself drawn to a pin-board of pictures displayed on a nearby table. There were photographs from all stages of Abigail’s life. Baby pictures, childhood photos, some candid and some while the family was on vacation. There were shots of her in ballet performances. A high school prom picture. And a wedding photo.

  Abigail’s ex-husband looked a whole lot older since that picture was taken. She couldn’t imagine the toll of losing a child the way he did.

  Then she saw photos of Abigail with a baby in her arms. The remaining ones were of the child, his parents, and the extended family throughout his short years, all smiling, looking like life was treating them just fine.

  Megan knew better though. It was never like that.

  A priest walked in and that was everyone’s cue to take a seat. It would be just the four of them. As the priest began reading bible passages, asking them to pray along, Megan found herself tearing up. She listened to Abigail’s parents sob one row in front of her, and it was all too easy to feed off their despair. Steve sat with his head down, silent.

  “If anyone would like to speak on behalf of Abigail, I invite them to do so now,” the priest said afterward.

  Abigail’s dad rose, looked at his wife who shook her head no, and he went up to the podium.

  Gary cleared his throat and smoothed his jacket. “I’m here to talk about our daughter, Abigail. She was our only child, our beloved princess, and…” Losing composure and his voice cracking, he added, “and she always will be.”

  After pulling a hanky out of his pocket and wiping his nose, he continued. “She was a joy to be around and was loved dearly by everyone. She had lots of friends in her life, a husband, and a son, both of which I know she loved very much.”

  Steve sat expressionless as he listened.

  “Our daughter wasn’t perfect. She made many mistakes. Some of them larger than others. And still we love her. Always.”

  As Abigail’s dad stepped down he wiped his eyes and looked at his wife, who again shook her head no.

  There was a long silence, and then Abigail’s dad turned and looked at Megan. She hadn’t planned on saying anything, but under his gaze she felt the heavy weight of her own guilt amplified tenfold, so she nodded yes.

  Megan stood before them, unsure what to say. “Abigail was one of my patients,” she began. “I’ll admit she was a bit of an enigma, one of the few I struggled to connect with, and now that she’s gone, it makes me sad.” She paused and considered walking back to her seat. What else was there to say? But then the words came to her. “Abigail was well-liked and had several good friends, especially Jess and Kristen. She’d taught some of the ladies ballet as a form of exercise and had done beautiful things in the prison garden. The flowers for my wedding came from the garden where she and the other women worked. They were beautiful flowers.”

  Megan stopped and nodded. “Truly beautiful,” she added before returning to her seat.

  The priest was about to walk back to the podium when Steve rose. Abigail’s dad looked surprised.

  Steve climbed the steps to the podium and cleared his throat. “My counselor and wife thought it was a good idea that I come today.” There was a long pause, and when Steve spoke next he was choking back tears. “They suggested I make my peace with Abigail.”

  Sniffling, and with tears rolling down his face, he said, “I loved Abigail once. She was my first wife and the mother of our son, Devin.
And what I want to say is…” Steve’s voice cracked, and he couldn’t get whatever it was he had to say out.

  Abigail’s parents, Megan, and the priest waited while he tried to pull it together.

  “What I want to say is goodbye. And to tell you I forgive you.”

  Abigail’s mother gasped and began sobbing. Her husband took her in his arms, and the priest went to the podium and put his arm around Steve, comforting him. Steve made his way back to his seat and waited while the priest said the final prayer.

  When he finished, music began to play. Maurice Ravel’s “Pavane for a Dead Princess.” A solo piano piece that was hauntingly beautiful, befitting the woman whose life it was meant to commemorate.

  Megan went up first, walking slowly to match the notes being played. She kneeled down at the foot of the casket and prayed. In her mind, she said she was sorry she wasn’t able to save Abigail, and that she wished her happiness, wherever she may be. Then she rose and moved on.

  Steve went next. He reached out and placed his hand on top of Abigail’s. “Goodbye,” he whispered.

  Megan lingered in the doorway before leaving, and as the melody repeated and grew more powerful, she watched as Abigail’s parents stood in front of the casket holding hands. They knelt in prayer, and Megan took a memorial prayer card from the basket, nodded to the priest, and left.

  She was supposed to go back to work for a half day but couldn’t. She was too emotionally exhausted. After getting into her car and pulling out of the parking lot, she called Warden Laura.

  “Laura, I hope you don’t mind, but I don’t think I’m going to be able to make it back today. I’m spent. Would you mind if I take the rest of the day off?”

  “No problem. That’s no problem at all. Are you okay?”

  Megan sighed. “I’m fine. It was just a lot to handle in one day. More than I bargained for.”

  There was silence on the other end of the line, and Laura said, “Understood. Thanks for going. That was over and above.”