On The Inside

by Kim Cano

  Jeremy had a stroke. He’s alive, but half his body is paralyzed. It happened a few weeks ago. He was treated and released, but without insurance, well, you know how it is. Also, I never told you this in the past because I didn’t want to hurt you, but Jeremy had a girlfriend. She was around for a few years, but now she’s gone. She’d gotten tired of waiting for him to get a divorce, but I think the stroke just put her over the edge. I mean, he’s a burden to her now. I liked her okay, mostly because Jeremy did. But not so much anymore. The people that really matter don’t run away when things get tough.

  I apologize I never told you about her. I just didn’t think it would be helpful for you to know. I hope you understand. Anyway, Ryan and Valerie are busy working and raising Melissa, so they can only do so much. Toby has been doing the majority of the work since he’s still living at home. Between him and his girlfriend Erica, they’ve been putting in a lot of effort.

  I went down to see Jeremy recently. He hasn’t been able to work so I helped him get signed up on disability. They were renting an apartment but just moved into a foreclosed home our parents bought for him. Thank God for all their help. Toby has gotten a part time job while going to community college too, so the extra money comes in handy. I swear, it’s such a disaster right now. It was tough seeing him that way. My big brother. I never expected things to turn out like this. I wish you were out and could take care of him. We could really use your help right now.

  Love,

  Olivia

  Kristen sat down slowly, holding the letter in her hand. “It’s my husband,” she said. “He had a stroke.”

  “Holy shit!” Jess said. “Is he?”

  “He’s alive,” Kristen finished. “But he’s paralyzed on one side.”

  Kristen didn’t break down crying. Instead she began trembling. “My husband needs me right now, and I’m fucking stuck in here,” she cursed.

  Jess stood opposite her looking nervous.

  “He needs someone, and the stupid bitch that he’d been dating left him,” Kristen said. She tossed the letter aside. “Can you believe it?”

  Jess’ jaw hung half open. “Maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe you and your husband might still have a chance.”

  “I don’t know. I’m not even thinking of that right now. I’m just thinking of all the nights I lay awake in my bunk picturing her with my husband, spending time with my children. She was living my life, and I managed to let it go, you know. I accepted her. And now that he really needs her, the chick is gone.”

  Kristen threw her hands in the air in exasperation.

  “Well, you don’t have much time left, right?” Jess asked. “You can still help when you get out.”

  “Meanwhile, I have to sit in my cell while my youngest son takes care of my husband instead of focusing on starting his own life. What the hell was wrong with that lady? Why the heck didn’t she care?” Kristen was so angry with her she forgot to see the positive, that Jess could be right. She might actually have another chance with Jeremy.

  Later on, after she’d calmed down and was lying in bed, she let herself wonder if that might be true. Who else could really want him and love him the way she did?

  She stopped analyzing the situation. She’d done plenty of that over the years. Whatever happened, happened. That night, before she fell asleep, she said a prayer for Jeremy, asking God to give him improved health.

  The following day, Kristen woke feeling her life had purpose. She reached for a sheet of notebook paper and wrote a letter to Olivia.

  Olivia,

  Thank you for letting me know what happened to Jeremy. It’s awful. I’m so heartbroken. I wish I could be there to help. Please tell him when I get out I’ll be there for him, whether he wants me as his wife or just as a friend. I love him the same.

  Has he quit smoking?

  In regards to the girlfriend, I already knew about her. When the boys visited that one time, Toby slipped up and said something. Don’t worry. It wasn’t your place to tell me anyway. That would have put you in an uncomfortable spot.

  I want you to know I appreciate all the times you’ve written and all the books you’ve sent. It has helped me more than you know.

  Please take care of your health too. We’re all getting older. It’s scary.

  Love,

  Kristen

  *****

  Lakeisha smiled as she read Kristen’s outgoing mail. She had changed through the years. A lot had. With Debbie’s death and Abigail’s suicide came sadness, but there had been plenty of joy too. She’d had a child. Megan had gotten married. Lupe had left and started a family.

  She only followed two stories now. Jess’ and Kristen’s. The rest of the mail had become just mail. Maybe it was because her own family had given her so much. She wasn’t sure. But she knew one thing. Her life was happy and full.

  Warden Laura stopped by on her way out. She was carrying a stack of colorful brochures.

  “What do you have there?” Lakeisha asked. It looked a bit more exciting than what she was working on.

  “Stuff from the travel agent. We’re planning a trip for my retirement. I know it’s early, but we want to do it right. Plus, with a big family, you have to plan way in advance.”

  Lakeisha giggled. “You don’t have to explain to me. If I was leaving, I’d be excited and planning way in advance too. Where you thinking of going?”

  Laura shrugged. “We haven’t been anywhere out of the country yet, so the world is our oyster as they say. We’re thinking Europe. We’re looking into a tour so we don’t have to learn how to drive on the wrong side of the road.”

  “Good idea. That way you can relax. It’s coming up soon enough. Only a few more years, right?”

  “Two more. Then I’m free,” Laura joked. “Listen to me. I act like I’m incarcerated.”

  Lakeisha smiled politely. The truth was they kind of were. Even though they got to leave at the end of the day, they still spent a large part of their life in prison. It took its toll emotionally and physically.

  *****

  After a long day of hard work out in the garden, Kristen and Jess lay on their bunks, exhausted.

  “You ever gonna tell me what you’re in here for?” Kristen asked Jess.

  “I didn’t tell you that yet?”

  “Nope.”

  “Huh. I thought I did. Brace yourself, because it’s going to come as quite a shock.”

  Kristen waited.

  “I beat the crap out of a woman I found having sex with my girlfriend. I almost killed her.”

  Laughter erupted from the lower bunk where Kristen sat.

  “What’s so funny? Too predictable?”

  “No,” Kristen said while giggling. “It was just the way you prepped me and then how you said it. Okay, I admit it. I’m not shocked. I figured it was something along those lines.”

  Jess hopped down and sat on the floor. She smirked. “So far you’re the only one who found it amusing. The judge wasn’t pleased nor was my ex-girlfriend.”

  Kristen sat up. “I’ll bet she wasn’t. You know what? My husband has a temper like that. He’s gotten into several big fights throughout his life. When I was sent to prison, he couldn’t believe it. He had said if anyone was ever to go he thought it would have been him. But he always managed to escape the law. Either the person would make up with him and not press charges, or he’d drive off and never see them again. You know, like after a traffic altercation. Stuff like that.”

  “Wow. That’s lucky. The man has a shamrock shoved up his ass.”

  Kristen sighed and looked down. “Not anymore. He’s not so tough now.”

  “Oh, shit,” Jess said. “I didn’t mean. I forgot. I was just saying—”

  With a wave of her hand, Kristen shushed Jess. “Don’t worry. I know what you meant. He was lucky. He really was.”

  Jess nodded, then got up and grabbed a book. “Hey, do you like to read out loud?” she asked Kristen.

  “Not really, why?”

&
nbsp; Jess shrugged. “No reason. Abigail and I used to do it, that’s all. I’d read a chapter and she’d read a chapter.”

  Kristen thought about it. She wasn’t much into that kind of thing, preferring to get lost in the inner landscape of her own mind while reading. It was a private thing for her.

  “I miss Abigail,” Kristen said. “She was a sweet person.”

  “I miss her every day. I wish things didn’t turn out the way they did. I had hoped to stay here with her.”

  Kristen eyed Jess and everything began to make sense. The fight with Shanice was a ploy – a way to get more time with Abigail.

  Jess must have realized she’d slipped, because afterwards she said she wanted to turn in early and call it a night.

  Chapter 38

  Olivia had been keeping Kristen abreast of all the news on Jeremy and Melissa. The baby was doing fine and couldn’t be cuter, but Jeremy was still struggling. Not just physically, but emotionally. He wasn’t used to needing anyone for anything, having always been pretty much a badass all his life. He was the one who stepped in and took care of problems. Not the other way around.

  Kristen obsessed over one thing Olivia had mentioned in her most recent letter. She said Toby had asked his dad if he was looking forward to her release and he had nodded his head yes.

  She wondered what she was coming home to, what kind of relationship they would have. Would he regain the use of his arm and hand? Was he still angry? Maybe he just wanted her to be his nurse. If so, that was fine.

  Kristen had run all these ideas by Jess.

  “Man. I’ll tell you. I know women overthink things a lot, and I know I am one, but I’m glad I don’t suffer from that particular affliction,” she joked.

  “What do you mean? You don’t think about stuff?”

  “Of course I do,” Jess said. “Just not like that. I don’t let a bunch of worries swirl around my head at the same time. I tend to focus on just one thing.”

  She really was like a man, Kristen thought. Maybe it was hormones.

  “I guess I’ve got too much time on my hands,” Kristen said, hoping she wasn’t annoying Jess. If she was, she didn’t mean to.

  “Why don’t you just take it easy and see what happens. No matter what, it will be an improvement on sitting around here, right?”

  “True,” Kristen agreed. She had a point. “So how about you? You’re getting closer to leaving, huh?”

  Jess nodded. “Yep. Time flies when you’re having fun. No offense.”

  “None taken. Seriously though. I doubt you’ll miss this place.”

  Jess looked conflicted. “All I’ll miss are the good times. I guess like any other part of the past. That’s all we end up missing.”

  Kristen thought about it. There had been some good times through the years.

  “How are you doing?” Kristen asked. “I mean, with the counseling and with what happened before?”

  Jess sighed. “I’m depressed, but I’m hanging in there. I’m actually about to go see Megan in a little bit.”

  “Cool,” Kristen replied.

  That afternoon, after Jess had gone to her appointment, Kristen was looking for one of her old books. She couldn’t find it in her stack and decided to dig around. It had to be somewhere. It was a small room after all. It couldn’t just disappear.

  After searching everywhere, the book was nowhere to be found, but she’d stumbled on one of Jess’ that she hadn’t read. She picked it up, figuring Jess wouldn’t mind. She climbed onto her bunk and got comfortable. Then, as Kristen opened it to the first page, a piece of paper fell from the center of the book. A note.

  Jess,

  I’m not going to let you ruin your life so you can stay here with me. I love you with all of my heart and want you to leave here and be happy. Promise me you’ll do that.

  Abigail

  Kristen stared at the letter in disbelief, then recognition hit.

  “Oh, my God,” she whispered. With shaky hands she refolded it and put it back in its place before hurrying to return the book to where she’d found it.

  “Christ,” she said. She climbed into her bunk and tried to appear sleepy. Jess would be coming back soon, and she felt awful. She hadn’t meant to snoop.

  After five minutes, it was no good. She was too nervous. She got up and grabbed one of her own novels off the shelf, and then got situated and set the book aside. She’d pick it up and pretend to be reading once Jess returned.

  In the meantime, her head spun. Poor Abigail, Kristen thought. How terrible and sad.

  A chill ran down Kristen’s spine, like she’d uncovered something she wasn’t supposed to know. “Don’t worry,” she whispered aloud. “This secret stays with me.”

  Kristen heard footsteps coming. She lunged for her book and held it up to her face, trying to act casual.

  She wanted to ask Jess how her visit with Megan went. She usually did, or initiated some form of conversation, but not today. Instead she found herself hyper-aware of Jess’ presence.

  Kristen let out a breath she didn’t realize she’d been holding, and as she hid behind her novel, she let herself digest what Jess was going through, what she and Abigail had been through together.

  It was like a star-crossed love story, she thought. So heartbreaking. And here she was hitting Jess up with all kinds of mundane questions.

  Setting down her book, Kristen asked, “How did your visit go?”

  Jess let out a deep breath. “Good, I guess. The shit is just exhausting sometimes.”

  “I agree.”

  “You know how you asked if I like to read books out loud and I said no? Well, I’ve been thinking. Maybe I’m missing out on something.”

  Jess managed a weary smile. “You never know until you give it a shot.”

  “You up for it now?” Kristen asked. “I could read from the beginning of this book today, and then if you like it, you can pick up where we left off tomorrow.”

  ‘Sure. Why not,” Jess said.

  “Okay,” Kristen said in an upbeat tone.

  For the next hour, Kristen did her best to read out loud, in the hopes to cheer Jess up. She wasn’t sure how she was doing as a narrator, but Jess’ spirits appeared to lift as she listened to the tale. And for that Kristen was grateful.

  *****

  Fall came and with it, hurricane season. It wreaked havoc in the garden, and Kristen and Jess had a lot of extra work to do. Some plants needed to be covered, others secured with sticks. Jess was getting ready to leave soon, and Kristen only had one year left on her sentence. Warden Laura had taken some time off for good behavior since she’d never been in trouble or broken any rules.

  One cloudy day, Jess and Kristen walked the track together out on the yard. It looked like it was about to rain, and even though it was cooler, they were still drenched in sweat.

  “Your mom must be happy you’ll be home for the holidays this year,” Kristen said.

  “Yeah. She’s psyched. I’m pretty excited too.”

  A clap of thunder sounded overhead, and Jess and Kristen eyed each other.

  “We better run for it,” Jess suggested.

  The two of them sprinted back to the entrance, where they both leaned over trying to catch their breath. A moment later, the rain came down heavy.

  Kristen sighed. “I’m gonna miss you, Jess. I want you to know that.”

  Jess smiled. “I’m gonna miss you too.”

  *****

  Megan reviewed her notes before Jess came for her final visit. Their recent sessions had proved therapeutic to her as much as they had to Jess. Megan had always wanted to know Abigail. She was the unsolved mystery, and now she seemed a little less cryptic. As far as Megan was concerned, the case on Abigail was closed. And she felt she’d made great progress with Jess.

  After Jess was brought in and un-cuffed, she took a seat.

  “Looks like we’ve come to the end of the road,” Megan said. “At least our road together, that is. Yours is just beginning.”
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  Jess smiled half-heartedly. “I guess it is.”

  “You’ve grown and learned more than most of my patients. And for that I’m glad. I just hope you take all that knowledge and run with it. Live a happy life.”

  Megan and Jess held each other’s gaze, and Jess’ eyes began to tear. “Like Abigail wanted, right? For me to keep my promise?”

  Megan couldn’t help it. She got emotional too. “Yes. I think she would like that.”

  Jess sighed. “I’ll do the best I can.”

  Megan smiled. “That’s all anyone can ever ask from you.”

  *****

  Kristen was sad as she watched Jess pack her things. She knew the drill. She’d gone through it all before.

  “Your mom waiting out there for you?”

  “Yes, she is,” Jess said. “Going home.”

  “You’re gonna write, right?”

  “Of course. I’m a person of few words though. Not prone to long letters. But I will for sure keep in touch.”

  Kristen had something on her mind. Something she’d wanted to ask Jess for a long time but never did.

  “You never told me what Abigail was in here for.”

  Smiling a warm smile, Jess said, “No. I never did. But I think she’d prefer that be kept a secret.”

  Nodding, Kristen smiled back. “Understood.”

  And she did understand. Jess was a true friend and confidant. She loved and respected Abigail and protected her even in death.

  Kristen stepped forward and wrapped her arms around Jess. “Take care,” she said, giving her a bone-crushing hug. The only hug she and Jess ever shared.

  Jess squeezed her tight. “You take care too.”

  *****

  When Jess stepped outside, she noted it was cooler today, windy. As she began walking toward the car, her mom caught sight of her and got out. She jumped up and down like a kid in a candy store, and once they reached each other, they hugged each other tight.