There are a bunch of agents and deal-makers and go-betweens that I don’t know which deserve some thank yous. They also got a check. They can trade that in for the opportunity to see their name in the back of the book, the part that nobody reads.
I asked both Ricky Williams and Norm MacDonald if they would consider writing the foreword for this book. They both seemed amenable and both asked to read it first. I hadn’t even finished when I had the booze-amplified courage to ask them—via Twitter at that.
Let me go back a bit.
Todd “Stupid-Face” Barry asked me to write the foreword for his book about a year ago. I swelled with pride that he would even consider me, knowing that he is a big snob! I wrote that foreword at my beloved Bingo’s hospital bedside in a coma as a welcome distraction only to learn that he has a second foreword written by someone more famous. Actually, I was the second foreword. That other guy got top billing. I was tempted to try to out-do Todd by having three forewords for this book. But I remembered how awful I felt when Todd did that to me and I took everything Brendon Walsh had warned me about Todd and did the right thing.
If—as is my grand scheme at the end of this book—the foreword is written by Dr Drew Pinsky and I have begged a blurb for the back cover from Ricky Williams and Norm Macdonald, then I have accomplished my goal. That goal being finishing this fucking book and getting back to the road. Starting in a shithole in Champaign, Illinois. I’ll thank the people responsible for that show at a later date.
Long after I am dead, the unfinished works of author Adrian Nicole Leblanc will be found in the rubble of a post-armageddon America. I am supposed to be highly profiled in that 13 year-running tome. I don’t even know what a tome really means. Nor does she know what a deadline means.
Maybe I should have done more with my life. The harder work will be remembering what I’ve already done for my next book.
Tracey Wernet will now read this and hit send to the powers that be.
stanhope, dropping mic
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ALSO BY DOUG STANHOPE
Digging Up Mother: A Love Story
INDEX
abortion joke, 240–241
acid, 84, 111, 123, 192, 280
Acme Comedy Club, 157, 272, 300
Adams, Bryan, 283
Adams, Clark, 221
Adams, Ryan, 283
Addison Improv, 273–274
Adult Video News Awards, 157–160
advice, 9, 13–15, 20, 116
Airborne, 247
“Airforce Amy,” 77
Airplane, 208
#AirportPubCrawl, 243
airport smoking lounges, 243
alcohol, role of, 196
Alcoholics Anonymous, 262
Allen Park Inn, 68
alternative comedy, 47
Ambien, 190–191
ambulance, Dr. John’s, 96
Anchorage, AK, 80
Andersen, Morten, 290
Anderson, K. P., 26
Andrist, Andy, 3, 26–27, 74–75, 209–210, 311–312
disabled people in audience, 300–303
as victim of child molestation, 210–211, 211–215, 220
Arnold’s Beach Bar, 244, 247
Atlanta, GA, 311
Attell, Dave, 311–312
Austin, TX, 93
autism, 298
ayahuasca, 256
backyard shows, 18
baiting pedophiles online, 43
band car, 89, 91
band house, 87–88
Bar Rescue (TV series), 260–261
Barkin, Ellen, 22
Barr, Roseanne, 77, 243–245, 247, 303
barstool sex, 86
Bateman, Justine, 283–285
Bazzell, Mark, 253–254, 255
Bazzell, Suzie, 253–254, 255
Becker, Matt, 3, 16, 18–21, 80, 82, 152–153, 209, 266–267
Dating Game audition, 38–39
Dog Eats Own Leg video idea, 105–106
Before Turning the Gun on Himself (comedy special), 262, 276
belly button, 250
Benediktsson, Einar, 134
benefit show, Humane Society, 255
Berry, Chuck, 244
Best of Baiting (Stanhope), 44
Best Party (political), 127, 134
Bingo (Amy Bingaman), 2, 3, 57, 63–65, 117–122, 131, 133, 135, 135–136, 137–139, 140–142, 161–162, 163, 185–186, 189, 193–194, 228–229, 241–242, 274, 283, 284–285, 310
and fans, 222, 225, 287
meeting Stanhope, 302–303
scabies, 251, 253
and UK tour, 199, 202, 204, 218
Birdcloud, 303
Bisbee, AZ, 128, 130, 183, 250, 251, 282, 304–306
black eyes, 37, 83
Black, Louis, 311
Blitzer, Wolf, 239
Bo Y. Fondler, 210–215
Bobbie, 34
bondage-themed house party, 22–23
boredom-hysteria relationship, 175–176
Bourdain, Anthony, 4
Brand, Russell, 13
Breaking Bad, 227
Brooker, Charlie, 128, 260
brothels, legal, 77–79, 80
BrownPaperTickets.com, 18
Bruce, Lenny, 207
bubblegum pop, 192
Bukowski, Charles, 94, 264
Bumfights (video series), 105, 107
Bunny Ranch, 77, 155
phobias, 231
Burr, Bill, 88
Burroughs, William, 264
Busey, Gary, 26, 264, 265
business manager, 2
butt plugs, 96
buzz for Tosh, 103–104
Café du Monde, 312
Campbell, Craig, 93–94
cancer, 65–66, 94, 112, 207, 255
Cap City Comedy Club, 94–95
Capurro, Scott, 181–182
career-confirming moment, 297
Carey, Drew, 28
Carl, 98–101
Carlin, George, 208
Cathouse (TV show), 155
Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew (TV series), 262–263
Cesario, Jeff, 24
Chaille, Greg (tour manager), 2
advice about suicidal fan, 228–229
Bingo’s spinout in Rock Island, 138
looking for hooker for podcast interview, 74
making note of meth joke, 288
meeting Stanhope, 83
radio interview pranks, 63–64
scheduling drug use, 280
stopping Stanhope from sleep-pissing, 189
video of Stanhope’s jockstrap antics, 222–224
Chappelle’s Show, 167
Chappelle, Dave, 295
Chattanooga, TN, 161
Chelsea Lately, 268, 269–270
Cheyenne, WY, 10
Chicago comedy festival, 103–104
child molesting, 210–216
child porn, 217–221
children’s party, 19–20
Chilkoot Charlie’s (Koot’s), 80, 83–92
Cincinnati, OH, 192–193
Clan X, 84, 91
Clapton, Eric, 241
claustrophobia, 231
Clawson, Brett, 98
Clay, Andrew Dice, 126, 289
Clinton, Bill, 265
Club Soda, 186
Cobb’s Comedy Club, 57
cocaine, 26, 27, 57, 79, 163, 185, 268, 290, 291
Cocker, Joe, 203
comedians bonding, 45
comedians, turning sober, 195
comedy, 14, 46, 47, 109, 192, 195, 277
disabled people at shows, 300–303
famous fuckups, 194
open-mic, 7–8
opening for live band, 16–17
private parties, 16–18, 21
Comedy Central, 22, 26, 27, 45, 145
Comedy Ci
rcuit, 97–98
comedy club, fraternization rules, 29
comedy clubs
Acme Comedy Club, 157, 272, 300
Addison Improv, 273–274
Cap City Comedy Club, 94–95
Club Soda, 186
Cobb’s Comedy Club, 57
Comedy Store, 292
Comic Relief, 77
“Dallas” Improv, 274
Improv, Tempe, AZ, 33–32
Jokers Comedy Club, 95
Laff Stop, 48
Skyline Comedy Club, 171–172
Winstons, 225
condo-trashing rumor, 196–197
Convy, Bert, 243
Cook, Dane, 192, 197
Cosby, Bill, 265
Costa Rica, 78, 117–122, 124, 125, 152–153
Counting Crows, 266
Cross, David, 46–47, 113
cunt, use of term, 235, 237
cunty behavior, 46, 47, 173, 208, 248
“The Curse of the Internet Trolls” (Pearson), 235
Curtis, Jamie Lee, 69
cyberbullying, 235–237
The Daily Show, 167
Daily Telegraph, 231
Danielle, 50–51, 54
Dateline NBC, 55
Dating Game audition, 38–39
Dave, 85
Dawn, 244, 246, 247
Dayton, OH, 300
DeathSquad, 170
Delta Airlines, 140, 241, 242, 243
“Depends Night” prank, 274–275
Depp, Jack, 310
Depp, Johnny, 277–281, 282, 309–311
Di Paolo, Nick, 186
diarrhea, 117, 123–124
dick, being a, 46, 108, 113, 115, 126
dildos, 95–96
Dirty Show, 183
disabled audience members, 300–303
DJ Bob, 86, 89
Dog Eats Own Leg video, 105–107
doormen, 126, 165–166
Doran, 83, 85, 88, 89, 90, 91, 105
“Doug Stanhope defense,” 131
Down syndrome, 7–8
Downs, Jason, 58–59
Dr. Dirty (John Valby), 289
Dr. Drew, 262–265, 268
Dr. Jack, 250–252
Dr. John, 95–99
Dr. John’s Lingerie and Adult Novelties, 97–102
Draper, Don, 222
drugs, 41, 80, 84, 135, 135–136, 136, 189, 189–190, 191, 227, 280. See also individual drugs
drugs, dangers of, 190–191
duct tape costume, 23
Dunn, Russ, 143
Economist, 279
Ecstasy, 28, 83, 84, 177, 181, 189
Edinburgh Festival Fringe, 180–182
Elvis, 243
Emerald City bar at Koot’s, 85
Emergen-C, 247
Eric, 151
Erickson, Brett, 66–68, 138, 139
Esiason, Boomer, 297
Esquire, 295
Evans, Robert, 26
Everhard, Erik, 158
Extra, 55
faggots, 182
Fallon, Jimmy, 266–268
fame, 240, 258, 265, 281, 282–283, 294, 307, 311
fame repellent/retardant, 309, 310
obscuring identity in anecdotes, 286–290
Family Ties, 283
fans, 5, 108, 113–115, 115–116, 233, 234, 240, 294–295
as Killer Termites, 238
Diana Hone, 225–230
Horse, 111–112
Liam Hughes, 217–219, 221
suicidal, 217–219, 225–230
Farmington, NM, 271
Father Luke, 251–253
Fear Factor, 258
festivals
Chicago comedy festival, 103–104
Edinburgh Festival Fringe, 180–182
Just for Laughs comedy festival, 183–185
Just for Spite festival, 184
Kilkenny comedy festival, 176
Montreal comedy festival, 93–94
fight with Bobbie’s boyfriend, 35–37
Finnegan, Christian, 167, 168, 169
First 48 (TV series), 125
flight status maintenance, 241–243
Fleming, Penelope, 51, 54
flight anxiety, 250
Florida sex offenders, 209–216, 217–221, 224
Flutie, Doug, 298
flying, 190, 241–243, 247, 249, 250
#AirportPubCrawl, 243
Delta Airlines, 140, 241, 242, 243
Fondler, Bo Y., 210–215
Fox News, 156
Francis, Joe, 149, 151, 152, 154–156, 282
Friendly, Bob (Officer), 307
friends, sheltering, 40–41, 44
From Across the Street (album), 217
fuckability, 147
Fun with Pedophiles: The Best of Baiting (Stanhope), 44
“Funny Thing About Child Porn,” 217
Gaffigan, Jim, 184
Gates, Bill, 183
Geronimo, 243
Giraldo, Greg, 183, 188, 191
Girls Gone Wild, 148–152, 155
Girls Gone Wild Island, 152–154
Glasgow, Scotland, 201–202
Gnarr, Frosti, 132, 135–136
Gnarr, Joga, 134
Gnarr, Jon, 127–134
Goatse guy, 207
Guns N’ Roses, 27
Hack, 218
Hags, 57
hallucinogens, 280
Hamburger, Neil, 255
Hammersmith Apollo, 206
Handler, Chelsea, 268–270
The Hangover, 167
Hansen, Chris, 213
Hartley, Nina, 159
hate mail, 171–173
Hawk, A. J., 282
Hawking, Stephen, 232
Hedberg, Mitch, 3, 94, 98, 103–104, 194, 311
Heidecker, Tim, 212
helium suicide, 219, 221
Helms, Ed, 167, 168, 169
Hennigan, Brian
as business manager, 2–3
business conversation with drugged Stanhope, 191
removing Stanhope from stage, 204
fundraising site for Vitsmun, 239
in UK with Stanhope, 141, 143, 144
insulting vagrant, 202
on Twitter response to Pearson article, 234
optimism about UK tour, 198
PR for Stanhope’s show, 179
Stanhope’s remark about Irishwomen, 176
texting about Johnny Depp call, 27
heroin, 189, 201
Hicks, Bill, 16, 206–208
HLN TV, 265
Ho, Don, 222
Hof, Dennis, 76–77
Hofdi House, 129, 134
Holly, Buddy, 243
homosexuality escape ploy, 68
Hone, Diana, 225–230
Honolulu, HI, 244, 245
hookers, 69, 71, 72, 72–73, 73, 73–74, 74–75, 76, 76–77, 78–79, 79, 81–82
Horse, 108, 111–112
Hotel Del Ray, 78, 79
Hotel Hell (TV show), 259–260
Houston, TX, 48, 68, 297
The Howard Stern Show, 155, 163
Huffington Post, 60, 61
Hughes, Liam S. V., 217–219, 221
Humane Society benefit show, 255
Hydrocephalic Comedy Competition joke, 39
Iceland, 127–136
Ikka Woo Woo’s Tiki Hut, 222
Improv, Tempe, AZ, 33–32, 34, 267
industry people, 283
Inman, James, 88
insurance and suicide, 230
Internet, 109–111, 208, 220, 227, 235, 239, 263–264
finding Bo Y. Fondler on, 211–212
Irishwomen bit on, 179
Napster, 109–110, 208, 298
permanent record on, 293, 296–298
trolls, 235, 238
interviews
20/20, 52, 54–56
country-western station in Shreveport, LA, 66–67
KWHL in Anchorage, AK, 86
local TV news in San Francisco,
57–59
Muslim woman prank, 63–64
Steve Yerrid impersonation, 65–66
“In the Arms of the Angel” (McLachlan), 255
Inverness, Scotland, 204
Irishwomen, 174, 176, 177, 179
Jack the Wig, 8
Jeff Dunham, 306
Jefferies, Jim, 187, 208
The Jerk, 146
Jerry Springer Show, 48–56, 148, 259
Jimi, 255
jock strap at the beach episode, 223
“Johnny Depp Never Called Me” material, 279
Jokers Comedy Club, 95, 300
Jonathan, 31
Just for Laughs comedy festival, 183–185
Just for Spite festival, 184
Kaufman, Andy, 77
Kelly, Jim, 297
Kenny, 85
Kerry, 138
KettleBells, 257
Kilborn, Craig, 27
Kilkenny comedy festival, 176–177
Kilkenny, Ireland, 174, 176–178
Killer Termites, 238, 239
Kirschner, Jay, 17, 209, 212, 215, 220
Kitchen Nightmares (TV series), 260
Koot’s (Chilkoot Charlie’s), 80, 83–92
Koresh, David, 12
Kreischer, Bert, 288
Krystal, 30–33
KWHL, 86, 89
Laff Stop, 48
Lakers game, 258–259
Lange, Artie, 164, 165, 166
Las Vegas, 157
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, 268
Led Zeppelin, 196
Leno, Jay, 177
Levine, Kristine, 305–306
limos, 50, 199, 205
Litla-Hraun prison show, 132–134
locked-in syndrome, 231
London, England, 142–144
Lonnie, 98, 100–102
lotteries, winning, 295
Lou, 98, 100
Louisville, KY, 196
“low-watt gurgler in a high-back chair,” 301, 302, 303
Luker, 105–107
Maher, Bill, 22–25
mailing list, 18, 109, 184
Man-Dick and the nad-matter, 77–78
The Man Show, 26, 58, 59, 75, 76, 79, 145, 148, 264
Manson, Marilyn, 279, 281
marijuana, 265
Marino, Dan, 297
Maron, Marc, 292
Martin, Dean, 264
Martin, Steve, 104, 146
May, Big Fat Ralphie, 41, 88
meeting Bingo, 302–303
Metallica, 110
meth, 72, 84, 190, 287–288
Mexico, corruption in, 154
midgets, 85, 86
Midvale, UT, 97, 102
Mill Valley, CA, 110
Minneapolis, 30, 34, 157, 300
Mitchell, Tim, 272–273
mixed-bill shows, 177, 184
Montreal, Canada, 183, 184, 185
Montreal comedy festival, 93–94
Moon, Keith, 192
Morris, Garrett, 283
mother’s suicide, 225, 227
Muamba, Fabrice, 235–236
Murphy, Morgan, 202
This Is Not Fame Page 29