by Kasie West
I didn’t tell my parents I’d been on this trail before. On the Fourth of July. I let Dad direct us. Mom pointed out squirrels and butterflies and birds as we walked. When we’d been walking for a while, Dad cleared his throat. “Kid…about the video…about what I said.”
“It’s fine, Dad.”
“Hear him out, honey,” Mom said, putting her arm around me.
I nodded and he continued. “If I ever made you feel like I wasn’t proud of you, I didn’t mean to. I am so proud of you. We’re similar in so many ways, and I’m sure that makes me harder on you. I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay, Dad. I know you love me.”
“Good, because I do. You’ve been so distant this summer, and now I understand why.”
“Yeah, I should’ve just talked to you. I’m bad with confrontation.”
He chuckled. “Me too.”
“I’m sorry I’ve been different this summer. I’m trying to get back to my old self.”
We watched some kids holding on to a jump rope and pretending to be a train chug by us.
“How is the singing going?” Mom asked when it was quiet again.
“Oh, Lauren didn’t tell you?”
Dad shook his head and so did Mom.
“It’s not. Ian, the guy with the head injury,” I reminded them, “came back. He’s singing now.”
“Oh.” Mom’s mouth turned down with the news.
“That’s probably a relief for you,” Dad said. “I know how nervous you get.”
“Yeah…”
“I thought you wanted to do it,” Mom said.
“I mean…I don’t know. I enjoyed it. But I wouldn’t say I wanted to do it. I only did it in the first place to help Brooks.” I shrugged. “Now he has his original group.”
“Right,” Mom said.
“Oh, which reminds me. Even though I’m not singing, can we still go to the festival and watch? Please? Lauren needs to record and it would be really fun, I think.”
My parents exchanged a look and then Mom said, “Yes, I’m sure you both will have fun.”
“No, I mean all of us.”
“You want me and Mom to come to your hip music festival?” Dad asked. “Won’t we cramp your style?”
“If you use words like hip and cramp, possibly, but I’m willing to risk it…seeing as how I have zero vibe.”
Dad smiled. “Wow, it’s been forever since we’ve been to a music festival.”
“Did you go to Woodstock?”
Mom gasped. “Woodstock? How old do you think we are?”
“Joke. It was a joke.”
“It better have been,” she said.
“So speaking of the festival, I’m thinking about inviting Shay too.”
Mom and Dad exchanged another look and this one didn’t seem as favorable.
I was confused by that reaction. “You remember my best friend.”
Mom swatted at a fly by her hair. “We do…It’s just…”
“What?”
“I overheard you on the phone with her before we left. I thought maybe you two were taking a break.”
“You know what happened? Why didn’t you say anything?”
“I thought you’d come to me if you needed to. But you seemed to be handling it well.”
I looked at Dad to see his expression. To see if he was in the know as well. He seemed to be. “Yeah, we had a major fight and I need to talk to her in person.”
Mom nodded. “You’ve always been a good peacemaker.”
“And you’ve always said that’s a good thing.”
“It is.” She squeezed my hand. “Honey, there aren’t enough in the world. But I also want to make sure you’re not giving away bits of yourself in an effort to keep the peace.”
“I don’t think I am.”
We were all quiet as we needed our breath to climb the last stretch of hill. And when we reached the top, we stopped and looked out over the lake below. Last time I was up here, fireworks were exploding and I was telling Brooks I’d sing with him. The memory pricked at my eyes.
While staring out at the dark water, Mom said, “Sometimes staying in the box we’ve made for ourselves is so easy. It’s comfortable and familiar in there. And a lot of times, the people around us want us to stay in there, too, because that’s how they’ve always known us: in that box.” Mom patted Dad’s arm like she might be referring to him in that moment. “But sometimes we start to change, grow, and the box begins to get small and cramped. And yet we fight to stay inside because the walls are high and climbing out seems harder than staying.”
I knew what she was saying, didn’t need her to interpret it, but I immediately felt my defenses go up. “That was a nice metaphor, Mom.”
Dad heard the sarcasm in my words. “She’s right, Avery. I’ve always told you that you and I are so similar. But you are your own person and I don’t want you to ever feel like you’re stuck.”
Mom took hold of my hand. “I love you so much and think you’re amazing. I’m not saying you need to do anything differently. But if you aren’t feeling like yourself lately, if you’re feeling uncomfortable and a bit cramped, maybe it’s time to start climbing.”
“Ugh.” It was hot in the craft room. Maybe it was all these kids. Breathing their hot air. Maybe it was the afternoon sun beating on the large window. Why were we in the craft room anyway? I looked at the crappy friendship bracelet I was halfway done with. It had been over fifty-two hours since my fight with Brooks and my talk with my parents and my mind wouldn’t turn off. I’d let this stew for fifty-two hours. The quality of my bracelet was a very good representation of my inner battle.
“What?” Lauren asked.
“Mom’s right.”
“About one thing in particular or do you just mean that every single thing she utters is fact?”
“I only said I didn’t want to sing because I didn’t want to make anyone mad.” I wanted to sing and that was the problem here. I hadn’t been mad that Brooks didn’t tell Kai about us. Well, I mean, I was sort of mad about that, too, but I understood why. What I didn’t understand was why Brooks hadn’t stood up for me. Why he hadn’t said that I’d earned the spot, not Ian or Kai or Levi. Because I had. I’d earned that spot, and Brooks just let the guys take it away from me. Even went as far as to tell me I’d only been able to do it because of him. That was what I was mad about. That was what I had every right to be mad about. “I want to sing,” I said again with more confidence.
Lauren’s mouth dropped open but then she nodded. “It’s about time!”
“It’s about time what?”
“That you figured that out. I’ve been waiting.”
“I don’t want to let myself run away from this. I always run away from scary things, from conflict.” Like Brooks. I didn’t stick around to talk out our argument, to let him hear my side. To tell him how I really felt about singing. One sign of trouble and I was gone. I needed to fix that too.
“I’m excited!”
“You won’t be mad at me about the documentary?”
Lauren sighed a big heavy sigh. “Avery, you were doing so good there! It shouldn’t matter if I’m mad, which I’m not. All that matters is that you should sing. You tried out. You made it. Ian didn’t make it. Kai and Levi didn’t make it. You and Brooks did.”
“I’m going to tell them. It’s not too late, right? The festival is tomorrow!”
“No! It’s not too late. You need to let Brooks know,” Lauren said. “The last couple nights at practice he’s looked like a sad little puppy dog. Put the poor thing out of his misery.”
I wasn’t sure me telling him I wanted to sing would make his life any easier, but at least we’d put it all on the table. I smiled, knotted off the end of my bracelet, and tied it to my sister’s wrist.
She s
tared at it, curled her lip, and said, “You did a crappy job on this.”
“I know!” I said, standing. “But you’re a good sister and I want you to have it.”
She laughed and gave me a little push. “Go get your music festival.”
* * *
And that’s how I ended up on my way to Brooks’s cabin, where I was going to tell him exactly how I felt…about everything.
I paused in front of his door and listened for a moment. There was nothing but silence. Odds were that he wasn’t there, but I knocked anyway.
When I’d left the lodge, it had been close to five. He was probably finishing up his list for the day and heading to dinner. As my mind calculated the most efficient route to the dining hall, a voice called out to me, “He’s not here.”
I turned. D stood on the porch of her cabin. “Okay.” I pointed down the hill. “I’ll just…” Crap. How could I explain why I was in employee village standing at Brooks’s door?
She locked her cabin and joined me as I walked. “He left camp,” she said.
“Oh, okay. W-wait, what? Left where? Did he get in trouble? Did he go home? Is everything okay with his dad?”
She was shaking her head midway through my sputtering questions. “No, not home. He and the guys decided to spend the night in Roseville tonight so they wouldn’t have to deal with traffic and stress tomorrow. They left like thirty minutes ago.”
“Oh.”
“Brooks didn’t tell you?”
“We…no.” That completely derailed my plans. Maybe this wasn’t meant to happen. No, I was done letting supposed signs dictate my choices.
“Just let it be, Avery,” D said. I hadn’t thought she remembered my name. “Ian is back.”
So she knew a lot more than any of us thought. She’d probably seen me in the back room practicing with Brooks those two weeks. “Why didn’t you turn us in?”
“Because I obviously care about what happens to him. You couldn’t care less.” Did she like Brooks? Is that why she’d hated me all summer?
“This is about his future, not just this summer,” I said.
“And you think his future is you?”
“I think his future is music,” I said.
“And with the band, he can have both this summer and music.”
“So you’re saying you’re going to tell Janelle if I sing with him?”
She let out a frustrated sigh. “No, I’m just saying that if you really cared about him, you wouldn’t.”
I really didn’t feel like I needed to defend myself to her, but I was going to anyway. “I disagree. This isn’t a one-sided relationship. We’ve always looked out for each other. I’m taking this shot and I think he’d want me to.”
I picked up my pace to get ahead of her. At the end of the path I turned around. “Thanks for not telling on him!” Because I knew she wouldn’t. She was probably in love with him. And maybe I was too. But that had nothing to do with this. This was for me.
“It was Life Is Beautiful, in Vegas five years ago,” Dad said from the driver’s seat.
“That was at least seven years ago,” Mom said.
“Seven?” Dad said. “No way.”
They were arguing over when the last time they’d been to a music festival was as we drove to Roseville.
“It was,” Mom responded. “I remember because Avery was ten and she told me she was old enough to go.”
Lauren, who’d been recording my parents on her phone, panned it over to me. “Do you remember said incident?” she asked.
“In fact, I do not.”
“Didn’t happen,” Lauren said.
Dad didn’t react to Lauren; he just said, “Really? Seven?”
Mom continued to think of several other things that had happened that same year.
Lauren put down her phone and reached over to grab my hand. She still had the crappy friendship bracelet I’d made tied around her wrist. “It will work out,” she whispered. Apparently, I wasn’t hiding my nerves well. I hadn’t told my parents what I was doing…again. But this time it was because I didn’t want to disappoint more people if it didn’t happen, not because I didn’t think they would support me.
“I want both,” I whispered back. “And I’m afraid I’ll only get one.”
“What do you mean?” she asked.
“I want to sing,” I said. “But I also want Brooks.”
She pursed her lips. “You think he’ll break up with you over this.”
“We got in a big fight a few days ago. I think we broke up. Or he thinks we did. I don’t know.”
“A fight doesn’t mean you broke up.”
“I know, but I said ‘Screw you, Brooks.’ Pretty sure there’s only one way to take that.”
Her eyes went wide and then she started laughing.
“It’s not funny,” I hissed in a whisper.
“Imagining you saying that is very funny.”
“He didn’t stand up for me with the band, Lauren. I know I should’ve fought for myself, but he should’ve too.”
She squeezed my hand, her laughter gone now. “He’s a good guy.”
“I know, but that doesn’t necessarily mean he wants me to sing with the band when he has another option.”
I kind of hoped she’d disagree with me but she said, “I know.”
* * *
Energy poured through the late afternoon air as we parked the car and walked across a dirt lot toward the sound of music in the distance. People were everywhere, talking and laughing. Once we hit pavement, the smell of food competed with the music for air space. Food trucks and lights directed the crowd down the path and to a big grass field crowned with a large stage.
“This is bigger than I expected,” Lauren said from next to me. She had her phone out and was taking it all in.
“Don’t remind me,” I said, but she didn’t have to. I could see for myself. This was bigger than I had expected too.
“You girls want food?” Dad asked. “I want food.”
“No, we want to find a place to sit,” Lauren said.
I held up the blanket we’d brought.
“Okay, keep your phones on,” Mom said. “We’ll text you once we have food.”
“Texting,” Lauren said as though remembering something from the distant past. “What’s that?”
Mom gave Lauren’s arm a little shove. “You’re such a smart aleck.”
“Yes, I am,” Lauren said.
We continued walking as our parents went to check out the food offerings. We came to a large board that was propped up against a tree. “Look, it’s tonight’s lineup.”
Lauren let her phone travel down, stopping on each band name. About halfway down I saw a name that made me gasp. Two Thousand Bear Heads.
“What?” Lauren asked, panning her phone to me.
“I suggested that name. He used it.” A little hope bloomed in my chest with this revelation.
“And how does that make you feel?” Lauren asked.
“Good…nervous…ready.”
“You’re so ready,” Lauren said, then clicked off the phone and tucked it away.
I stood on my tiptoes and looked around, as if that would help me see Brooks in the crowd. The stage was empty and I realized it was canned music coming out of the speakers. “Do you think the bands are backstage?”
“I don’t know. I think they probably stay out here until it’s close to their time to go on.”
My phone buzzed in my pocket and I jumped.
“Was that you?” Lauren asked, patting her pocket like she wasn’t sure.
“Yes,” I said.
“Are you going to look?”
“Yes.” I pulled out my phone, hoping I was going to see a message from Brooks but it was from Shay.
I’m here. W
here are you?
My heart skipped a beat and I turned in a circle as if she could see me where I stood.
“Where is he?” Lauren asked.
“No, it’s Shay. She’s here.”
I texted her back, telling her we were past the food trucks. A few minutes later, I heard her calling my name. She was in the grass area, like she’d been here for a while, heading my way.
“Avery!”
I faced her. She was Trent-less and that was a really good first step. “Hi,” I said when she reached us.
“Hi,” she said in a soft voice. “Thanks for inviting me. I wasn’t sure…”
“If we were ever going to talk again?” I asked.
“Yeah.”
“I wasn’t sure either. But I’m happy to see you.” And that was true. “Tonight is a new moon. It’s a chance to start over.”
“Tonight’s a new moon?” Lauren asked.
“It is. It’s been twenty-nine days since the last one.”
“Since when have you started keeping track of the moon cycle?” Lauren asked.
“Since twenty-nine days ago,” I said.
Shay smiled at our exchange. “I like new moons,” she said.
“Me too,” I responded.
Lauren was recording again next to us. “Take a look at the leading lady of Two Thousand Bear Heads.”
“What does that mean?” Shay asked.
“I have a lot to fill you in on.” I wasn’t sure everything was going to be exactly the same between us—that might take a while—but I was happy we were giving ourselves a do-over.
“But that’s going to have to wait,” Lauren said. “Because here comes Brooks.”
My heart sped up in my chest at the sight of Brooks. It got even faster when he gave me a tentative smile. I returned it.
Kai spoke first. “You’re here.” He gave Lauren a side hug, then looked at Shay. “I don’t know you.”