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Blackout: Remembering the Things I Drank to Forget

Page 21

by Sarah Hepola


  “It’s just that I look at you, and it’s clear you know who you are,” she says. I am wearing sweatpants pulled from the floor, because I was running late, and no makeup. Not my most Hollywood look. But it’s also true that I am not befogged with need and wanting anymore.

  I don’t know how it happened, or exactly how long it took. But I looked up one day and discovered, to my own shock as much as anyone else’s, that I was something approaching the woman I might like to be.

  “I was in the exact same place as you are,” I say, tears filling up my eyes. “I was lost for a very long time.” And even if she doesn’t understand, I can see that she believes me.

  As for whether she’ll stop drinking or not, I can’t tell you. I have no idea. Every sobriety tale is a cliffhanger. None of us knows how our story ends.

  But these conversations are good for me. They deliver me from my own sorrow. They remind me of my usefulness. They keep me from forgetting. How I got here, how I climbed out. I forgot too many things for far too long. Not just what we did last night, but who I was, where I wanted to go. I don’t do that anymore. Now I remember.

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  SARAH HEPOLA’S writing has appeared in the New York Times Magazine, The New Republic, Glamour, The Guardian, The Morning News, and Salon, where she is an editor. She has worked as a music critic, travel writer, film reviewer, sex blogger, beauty columnist, and a high school English teacher. Her website is sarahhepola.com. She lives in Dallas.

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  Contents

  COVER

  TITLE PAGE

  WELCOME

  DEDICATION

  PRELUDE

  INTRODUCTION

  PART ONE ONE: THE BEER THIEF

  TWO: STARVED

  THREE: DRESSING IN MEN’S CLOTHES

  FOUR: DRINK MORE AT WORK

  FIVE: THE STRANGER

  SIX: THE LIFE YOU’VE ALWAYS WANTED

  INTERLUDE: BEGINNING

  PART TWO SEVEN: ISN’T THERE ANOTHER WAY?

  EIGHT: EXTREMELY UNCOMFORTABLE FOR THE GROUP

  NINE: BINGE

  TEN: SEX

  ELEVEN: POWER BALLAD

  TWELVE: THIS IS THE PLACE

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  NEWSLETTERS

  COPYRIGHT

  Copyright

  This memoir reflects the author’s life faithfully rendered to the best of her ability. Some names and identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of others.

  Copyright © 2015 by Sarah Hepola

  Cover design by Henry Sene Yee

  Jacket photo by Herman Estevez

  Cover copyright © 2015 by Hachette Book Group, Inc.

  All rights reserved. In accordance with the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, the scanning, uploading, and electronic sharing of any part of this book without the permission of the publisher constitute unlawful piracy and theft of the author’s intellectual property. If you would like to use material from the book (other than for review purposes), prior written permission must be obtained by contacting the publisher at permissions@hbgusa.com. Thank you for your support of the author’s rights.

  Grand Central Publishing

  Hachette Book Group

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  First ebook edition: June 2015

  Grand Central Publishing is a division of Hachette Book Group, Inc.

  The Grand Central Publishing name and logo is a trademark of Hachette Book Group, Inc.

  The Hachette Speakers Bureau provides a wide range of authors for speaking events. To find out more, go to www.hachettespeakersbureau.com or call (866) 376-6591.

  The publisher is not responsible for websites (or their content) that are not owned by the publisher.

  The author is grateful to Salon, Nerve, and The Morning News, where some of the material in Blackout first appeared in a different form.

  This is Water: Some Thoughts, Delivered on a Significant Occasion, about Living a Compassionate Life by David Foster Wallace. Copyright © 2009 by the David Foster Wallace Literary Trust. Used by permission of Little, Brown and Company.

  ISBN 978-1-455-55457-7

  E3

 

 

 


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