Relative Happiness

by Lesley Crewe

  Susie put the blanket back on her lap. “Hey, I’m the one who should be thanking you. This may be as close as I ever get to having a baby. I’m delighted.”

  Susie also agreed to be her Lamaze coach. When they walked into their first Lamaze class, most of the other couples gave them wide smiles, to let them know they were truly enlightened and not in the least bit surprised that a gay couple would be there. But Glace Bay is a conservative place. Try as they might, a few of the parents were uncomfortable with the idea and Lexie and Sue knew it. It was mean to pretend they were together, but they couldn’t resist. It amused them.

  They especially loved to pull the chain of a prim, uptight gal accompanied by her equally prissy husband. The woman faced Lexie as their partners rubbed their lower backs. They were supposed to breathe in and out slowly, not talk. She pointed at Lexie. “How does this work?”

  “How does what work?” Lexie asked innocently. Susie gave her a subtle shove with her fist to remind her not to get carried away.

  She waggled her finger back and forth between them. “Who’s the Mommy?”

  “I’ll be the mommy on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays and Susie will be the mommy Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays. Sunday’s a day of rest.”

  Mrs. Tight-Ass gave Mr. Tight-Ass a shocked glance. He looked like he had swallowed a lemon.

  “Won’t that be confusing for the child?”

  “We’ll wear name tags.”

  She had heard enough. She heaved her swollen belly away from Lexie and made her husband move her mat to the other side of the room.

  “You’ll get us in so much trouble,” Susie whispered.

  “She can bite me.”

  Lexie spent more and more time at the library in a chair. Her back hurt if she was on her feet for too long. She couldn’t bend over to return books on the lower shelves. And she had a hard time typing on the keyboard around her expanding girth.

  Marlene walked by and did a double take, as she watched Lexie try and squeeze herself into her seat. “I swear on my aunt Tilly’s big toe, you’re having triplets. Or twins at least.”

  “I’ve asked the doctor. He says no.”

  She scoffed. “What do doctors know? My aunt Myrna’s doctor swore up and down the rash on her backside was nothing to worry about. It killed her dead.”

  “How can a rash kill you dead?”

  “She died of embarrassment showin’ it to too many doctors.”

  “Marlene. Give it up.”

  Mom and Dad sat her down one night after Sunday dinner at their house, to go over finances. They helped her with a budget. She didn’t make much money so she had to be organized. She’d save money on diapers because she was making her own. She’d breast feed and she’d already made most of Jocelyn’s clothes. Mom pointed out there would be a ton of hand-me-downs from the girls. Lexie realized she had them convinced the baby was a girl. Only Dad asked if it was wise to make so many pink things.

  That’s when they told her they had a nest egg put aside for her. As a matter of fact, there was one for all of them. They wanted her to know that it was there, if ever she should need it. It was her decision when she wanted to use it.

  Lexie was overwhelmed. She felt better now that she knew she had something to fall back on.

  “It’s important to feel secure,” her mother said.

  Now that Lexie would soon be a mother, she started to look at her own mother differently. She still drove Lexie up the wall. Her intentions were good, she just went about “helpful” suggestions with a sledgehammer. But Lexie wasn’t angry anymore. Life was too short. Being a mother, she was beginning to realize, was difficult.

  Chapter Ten

  “OH MY GODDDDDDD!”

  “Breathe Lexie, nice and slow. Hoo, hoo, hoo. Deep cleansing breath.”

  Lexie gritted her teeth. “How about you breathe for me?”

  She knew she had Susie’s hand in a vice grip, but she didn’t give a fig. She was only concerned with the bowling ball of a baby she wanted to bring into the world.

  Her labour started on the beach of all places. They were at the cottage. Someone brought a chair down for her. This time she really did look like a beached whale.

  Once she got in the chair, she couldn’t get out. She sat there for quite awhile. She wondered if the pain was the baby or her imagination. She was nine days late. But she waited so long, it seemed it would never happen.

  Finally her father came out of the water. As he towelled off, he looked at her. “Are you okay, Princess?”

  “I’m not sure. I think I’m in labour. It’s not too bad. Maybe these wide hips of mine will finally come in handy.”

  “Push,” said the doctor.

  “Push,” said the nurse.

  Push said the lady with the alligator purse.

  I’m hallucinating.

  Nursery rhymes fired off in her head as she gathered her strength for the finale.

  “You’re doing fine, Lexie.” Her doctor was a colleague of her dad’s. All Lexie could think of was the time she served him potato salad at Mom’s annual barbecue. He was certainly seeing her at her best, poor man.

  “We have a very big baby here. You need all your strength Lexie. One more big push, okay?”

  She could hear Susie somewhere, like a disembodied voice, urging her on. Lexie couldn’t believe that between Mom and Beth, they’d done this nine times. They must have been out of their minds.

  This was it. She knew it. She pushed with her whole heart and soul. She wanted to see Jocelyn.

  “Wonderful,” her doctor cried. “You have a beautiful baby boy!”

  He gave a lusty cry. They put him on her chest and as soon as her arms went around him, he was quiet. He looked right at her. He was as big and beautiful as his daddy.

  “Well,” Kate said as she held her nephew in her arms. “I don’t know about you, but I think even a twelve pound bruiser like this may have a hard time explaining why his name is Jocelyn.”

  Everyone laughed. They were all there, all except Beth and Rory, who sent a huge bouquet of flowers. Mom came to her and said Beth didn’t trust herself to see the baby with a lot of people around. She wanted this to be Lexie’s day, and would rather see him in private, later. Lexie understood perfectly.

  After everyone had a turn and cooed and fussed all over him, Susie handed him back to his mother.

  “His father must have been handsome,” Mom gushed.

  Susie nodded. “You could say that. But quite frankly I don’t have a clue what she saw in him.”

  Lexie smiled at her.

  Dad grinned like a fool “Well, he’s not a girl. Shall we send him back?”

  Lexie kissed her sweetheart’s big chubby fist. “What’s a girl?”

  She had a dilemma. She honestly hadn’t given much thought to a boy’s name. It seemed logical to call him after his father. She loved the name Joss, because of the man himself, but worried that it might be too different. Heaven forbid it be trendy.

  Everyone was finally ushered out of the room by a nurse who said mother and son needed their rest. They all had to kiss him again before they left. While her boy lay on her chest, snuggled in as if he was a perfect fit, she looked at the baby name book again. If she didn’t want Joss, maybe it should start with that letter. She leafed through the J section while she rubbed her baby’s soft round bottom. The search took thirty seconds.

  There was the name Joss, a nickname for Joshua. Bingo.

  Marlene, Judy and the library crew came over one day after work to see the baby. They whispered and snickered as they tiptoed in. Lexie had Joshua in his bassinet by her old armchair in the living room. Sophie stood guard, her complete bulk spread under the cradle to cover all bases.

  Marlene got there first.

  “Holy Mother of God!” she whispered, “Look at the size of him! If he takes after his old man, it’s no wonder you was grinnin’ like a Cheshire cat.”

  Judy hit her on the back. “Shh! You’ll wake him up.” She turn
ed to Lexie. “He’s the most beautiful baby I’ve ever seen.”

  “Thanks Judy. He is, isn’t he?”

  They had all chipped in and gave Lexie a baby carrier. She was touched. She thanked them and gave hugs all around. Even Marlene.

  Joshua was a big baby. He rapidly outgrew the pink outfits Lexie made—thank goodness. Susan set to work and made jumpers that were much bigger and really blue, as if to counteract his initial dealings with clothes.

  “It’s a good thing he was too young to take anywhere—when he was in that pink stuff,” Susan commented loudly as she sewed up a storm in the kitchen.

  They kept Josh away from malls and human beings in general those first weeks. Lexie had to. She was handcuffed to the crib. He ate every two hours.

  Lexie sat in the armchair and nursed her hungry boy. She stroked his temple with her thumb. He was content. He purred as he ate, a soft hum. His dimpled fist opened and closed against her breast like a kitten.

  “I wish his father could see him.”

  Susan came to the door with the unfinished overalls in her hand. She leaned against it.

  “Is it hard, Lex? Do you miss him?”

  “At moments like this, yes, I do.” She looked at Joshua. “It was my last chance Susie, and I’m not sorry I did it. I just never realized how much I’d love to share him with his father. Joshua is his too. It’s hard, Susie, harder than I thought.”

  One night the doorbell rang. There stood Beth. They looked at each other and never said a word. Lexie took her by the hand and led her over to Josh. He was snuggled up with his knees tucked under him. He had a fist stuffed in his mouth, sucking, even in his sleep. Beth reached down and put her hand on his head.

  “He’s absolutely exquisite.”

  It had been a fantasy of hers to have a baby strapped and cuddled under her chin, being stopped by the neighbours to have a peek, as she strolled by. On her first excursion, Lexie tried to stuff him into the contraption Beth lent her, but her girls were teeny tiny things. Her monster just wouldn’t fit.

  Josh would have none of it. He squirmed and pouted. He looked at her with a big grump on his face. Sophie stared at her as if to say, I don’t blame the kid.

  Lexie put him in his stroller. She wanted him to meet Lester.

  “Well, girlie, that’s a fine specimen you’ve got there.” Lester grinned from ear to ear. “What’s your name, young devil?” He wiggled a finger in Josh’s face. Josh tried to grab and eat it.

  “His name is Joshua.”

  “Joshua. That’s a fine old-fashioned name. Looks like Joshua’s gonna give Sophie a run for her money and that’s sayin’ somethin.’” Lester shook up and down.

  “It runs in the family, Lester. I’ll have two Cadburys today. I need all my strength to feed this kid.”

  Joss looked out the plane window. It was a long flight. Alaska and Cape Breton were on the opposite ends of a very big continent and he wasn’t a man who sat still easily. The coquettish woman in the aisle seat added to his discomfort, with her attempts to engage him in conversation. He finally resorted to pretending to be asleep to get her to stop.

  He was going home for Christmas—that was the excuse he and his mother cooked up anyway. Helen was worried about her husband. Danny was as stubborn as a mule and wouldn’t listen to her when she begged him to retire. She needed Joss’s opinion of the situation.

  Helen and her youngest boy were close, very close. He was five years younger than the next-in-line brother. Every one of Joss’s five brothers was married. Most of them married young. Helen always said if they didn’t, the girls on the island would have been up in arms. They were known far and wide as the handsome boys. Joss was the one who wouldn’t be caught. Helen knew it would take a special girl to reel him in.

  Joss thought of the last time he flew home. It was for Aaron’s wedding last September. And that occasion brought back only one memory. Lexie.

  He went back to Alaska that fall, determined to put her out of his mind. He could do it. He always did. Why should now be any different?

  Mandy distracted him for about a week. She was good at that. But her erotic tricks didn’t have the same effect anymore. He thought of Lexie whenever he held Mandy in his arms—about how she looked in the moonlight. He wanted to drink her in that night. She was beautiful, so beautiful. He would never forget her face at that moment.

  What a fool he was. So smug in the fact he could walk away. He should’ve asked her to wait for him. He had to go back to Alaska, he knew that. He and Derek started a little gold mine of a business and he owed it to Derek to help him get it off the ground.

  Why didn’t he tell her? Why didn’t he ask her to wait for him? Was he afraid she’d say no?

  He didn’t know what to do. But that didn’t stop him from doing something: he said goodbye to Mandy. She wasn’t happy about it. She raised a big stink and it cost him. He’d only been with her for four months, but she took her chunk of flesh and he was happy to give it. He wanted to be rid of her. Yes, Joss wanted to go home to help his mom. But he also wanted to find Lexie.

  Her mom went with Lexie for Joshua’s six-month needle. He was so big to carry, she needed help with the diaper bag and her purse. But she suspected the real reason her mom wanted to go was to show him off to the other patients in the waiting room.

  Lexie was secretly thrilled. Mom didn’t mind her son being the biggest one in the room. For the first time in her life, her mother seemed envious of her. She looked at Joshua as if he was something special she always wanted. It was childish to gloat, but Lexie did anyway.

  Everyone did comment on Joshua. People would stop her in the mall. They talked about him in grocery line-ups. She strutted around like a peacock, until Susan reminded Lexie in no uncertain terms that every mother in the world thought that way—it wasn’t anything new.

  Good old Susan. She knew how to bring Lexie down to earth, before she alienated everyone around her.

  They put Joshua on the examining table in the doctor’s office. Lexie took off his sweater so the doctor could give him the once over. He sat like a little Buddha with his numerous rolls. His grandmother twirled her finger at him and poked his belly button. He waved his chunky legs back and forth over the paper liner. He grinned at them with his two bottom teeth and drooled everywhere.

  The doctor walked in. He could hardly lift him.

  “How on earth do you drag this child around?”

  “I’d drag him to the ends of the earth if I had to, Doc.”

  “He’s off the charts as far as percentiles go. I’d have to make a new category. What does he eat?”

  “He’s still on breast milk with cereal. Should I start him on solid food?”

  The doctor looked at her. “If I were you I’d get him a Big Mac on your way home.”

  When they were done, Lexie and her mom walked along the corridor of the doctor’s office. That’s when she looked up and saw Lillian Holmes coming towards them. Lillian hadn’t seen them. Lexie was about to open her mouth when her mother said, “Walk straight ahead.”

  Lexie was a mother herself but she immediately turned into a little girl and followed her mother’s instructions. She didn’t know what else to do.

  As they got closer, Lillian lifted her eyes. She gave a start and then glanced around as if to escape but it was too late. Her mother marched forward.

  “Lillian. How nice to see you again. I believe you know my daughter Lexie.”

  “Yes,” Lillian said faintly. “How are you Lexie?”

  Lexie nodded her head. She didn’t trust herself to speak.

  “I don’t believe you’ve met the newest member of our family. This is Lexie’s son Joshua. The apple of his grandfather’s eye.”

  “He’s lovely.”

  “William and I have such a wonderful time with him. After the loss of a precious grandson, we’re so grateful to have Joshua in our lives. It helps us deal with the pain. Life can be cruel sometimes, can’t it?”

  “Yes.”


  “It was nice to see you again. We better get this child home before he gets cranky. Come Lexie.”

  Mom walked by Lillian with her head held high. Lexie walked behind her.

  “Oh Mom, I’m so proud of you,” she gushed in the parking lot.

  Mom got in the car and promptly burst into tears.

  Kate was on the phone.

  “Lexie, would you and Joshua like to come with us to Montreal this May?”

  “Montreal?”

  “Yeah. We’re involved in a rather large project. It’s too complicated to get into.”

  “I’m too stupid to understand, right?”

  Kate laughed. “Something like that.”

  “Hag.”

  Kate ignored her. “Some of the researchers are based at McGill University and a friend on sabbatical offered us his place for the duration of our stay. It’s quite big apparently, and smack in the middle of downtown. I thought it might be an opportunity for you to get a breather. You know, from everything?”

  Lexie was blessed to have a baby sister like Kate. She always came to her rescue. On the other hand, Lexie was having a hard time with Beth. Sometimes she felt she had to hide away, keep her son under wraps, so Beth wouldn’t see him.

  It was impossible after awhile. His grandparents loved to have Joshua over. The girls wanted him. He was the biggest doll they ever played with. They constantly whined for Lexie to visit. Christmas was especially difficult. Mom and Dad wanted pictures of themselves with their grandchildren, their gift to each other. They had a photographer come to the house.

  It seemed to Lexie that Beth snubbed Joshua. It should be her son in that picture, not Lexie’s. “It should be both of them,” Lexie told her.

  “I know that,” she snapped. “I’m just sick to death of Mom and Dad saying our only grandson. Josh is not their only grandson. Willie was their first grandson.”

  “They don’t mean it like that. It’s difficult to explain to people.”

  Beth whipped around. “Do you know how horrible it is, to say you have four children, when you have five? To tell people their names and leave Willie’s out? He hasn’t disappeared for me, like he has for everyone else. He’s my child. Just because I can’t see him anymore doesn’t mean he never existed. He’s here in this room as surely as the girls are.”