Relative Happiness

by Lesley Crewe

  Kate and Daphne stayed with Mom. Lexie ended up going to the door to thank their neighbours and friends for their gifts of food. They had too much, and still they existed on ice water from the fridge dispenser.

  Rory left for the airport to get Gabby, but when Lexie heard the back door open, she thought it was yet another friend with ham or cabbage rolls. She went to meet them.

  Gabby stood there with Rory behind her, the suitcases in his hands. She dropped her purse and sagged against the door.

  “Lexie, help me.”

  She caught Gabby in her arms before she fell.

  Mom gathered the four of them in her bedroom before the wake.

  “Please sit, girls.”

  They looked at each other and did as she asked. Mom stood by the window in her black suit and held a handkerchief in her hand. She dabbed her eyes before she threw her shoulders back and composed herself.

  “We need all our strength, girls, to get through this day and the funeral tomorrow. I want you to make your father proud, by acting like ladies and holding your heads up high. There will be no crying or carrying on. That’s behaviour for behind closed doors.”

  They rushed to tell her she could count on them.

  “We have wonderful friends who will help us through this. That’s what makes living in a small town so wonderful. But small towns thrive on gossip, especially gossip about those who were well known, like your father.”

  She took a moment. They waited.

  “You might hear rumours that your dad was over at Lillian Holmes’ house for something other than hospital business.”

  Lexie’s sisters were indignant that anyone would say such a thing. They all started to speak at once. Mom held up her hand and made them listen.

  “I’m the only authority that matters. I want you to know that your dad would never do such a thing. I know…knew him better than anyone else, and so do you. He was, in fact, over at Lillian’s because she had a patient in crisis and needed his opinion. The man had a sudden seizure. Lillian dialled 911 immediately, and went to the hospital with him. Smitty was on call and phoned me right away. End of story.”

  She pointed at them. “So, if any of you hear anything malicious or nasty about your father, you are not to dignify it with an answer. It will be beneath your contempt.”

  Beth, Gabby and Kate assured her she would be proud of them. And so her mother provided armour for Lexie’s sisters that would keep them from harm. But it was Lexie’s hand she looked for as they walked out the door.

  Her mother need not have worried. Lexie’s dad was loved. As they drove to the funeral home, mourners were lined up all the way down the street. It looked as if the whole town was there. Her mother wept when she saw them.

  They got out of the car and walked inside together as a family. Men and women parted to let them pass. Everyone was quiet. They would save their condolences for inside, when they could hold their hands and tell them how much they loved Dr. William Ivy.

  A few days after the funeral, Lexie took Gabby home to meet Joshua. Gabby had spent every moment with Mom. There was so much time to be made up for. She and Gabby didn’t talk about Adrian. That would come later. They were dealing now with something bigger than that.

  Just inside the door they heard Susan and Joshua singing to the radio. Susan danced to Phil Collins, while Josh sat in his high chair, waving his Cheerios around.

  “Here he is,” Lexie said proudly. “Joshua, this is your Auntie Gabby.”

  “Tee Abby, Tee Abby!” he grinned and went on with his symphony of cereal.

  Gabby smiled for the first time since she arrived. When Lexie saw Joshua, some of the pain she was in floated away. It settled in again, like a blanket of fog, before too long, but for that moment, he helped her. She wanted him to help Gabby too.

  The next days were very hard. Her mother cried over everything. She didn’t know whether to keep all Dad’s things where they were, or start to sort them out. They told her to do whatever felt right. She wanted them each to pick something of Dad’s they especially loved. Lexie took his bathrobe, and Kate, his fountain pen. Beth wanted the coffee mug he drank out of every morning and Gabby asked for his university ring.

  Lexie sorted through Dad’s papers in his desk, to try and help Mom with the estate. It was a dreadful job. She’d pick up an item, a pack of gum he hadn’t finished, and hold it to her cheek, as if it could bring him back. She spent more time in his study than her sisters. She felt comfort there, as if he had stepped out and would return any minute.

  That’s when she found the letters.

  Lexie knew what they were instantly. She saw “Darling William” at the top of a page and “I love you, Lillian,” at the bottom. They hadn’t been mailed—maybe Lillian had left them in his office. Lexie didn’t want to know. She gathered them up, slid them into the waistband of her jeans and covered them with her shirt. Mom walked in a few seconds later.

  “Did you find the power of attorney?”

  “Not yet.”

  Her mother sank into the chair Lexie usually sat in when she talked to Dad. She had dark circles under her eyes. She looked old.

  “This is so much work,” she sighed. “Your father took care of this sort of thing. Why didn’t I listen when he told me where things were? I can’t remember what he said.”

  “It’ll sort itself out, Mom. I’ll help you. We all will.”

  “What would I ever do without you girls?” Her face crumbled as she reached for her ever-present wad of Kleenex. “I miss him so much Lexie.”

  “Of course you do. We all do.”

  “Even with everything.” she said. “I still loved him very much. And he loved me. We kept our friendship. Our love for you girls held us together. We shared our wonderful family, our beautiful grandchildren. She couldn’t take that away from me. She never possessed that part of his heart.”

  Lexie looked at her and wondered how she could be so brave in the face of all that happened. How did she live with the idea her husband loved someone else as well?

  “Did he ever admit it, Mom? Did he ever tell you about her?”

  “Yes, he told me. Finally. He said he couldn’t look me in the eye anymore.”

  “But I don’t understand. How he could do it to you? Why did he do it? You had a good marriage didn’t you?”

  “Yes, we had a good marriage, but sometimes even a good marriage isn’t enough.”

  “That’s silly. It should be enough.”

  “Lexie, you’re young.

  “No, I’m not.”

  “You’re still young,” her mother continued. “You have yet to learn that everything isn’t black or white. Most of us live in shades of grey. There are two sides to everything. I wasn’t blameless you know.”

  “What do you mean? You didn’t run out and have an affair.”

  “Of course not,” she smiled. “Most women don’t have the time for something like that. We’re too busy taking care of our family. I was always busy. I had you girls, and my teaching career. I was totally absorbed with your lives, my classroom, the garden and the organizations I belonged too. Sometimes I think your father thought he wasn’t important to me. I had no time for him. And he was right. I often didn’t. I took him for granted.”

  “That doesn’t justify what he did—to run around behind your back.”

  “No, but it helps explain it. Your father spent a lot of time at the hospital. It gave her the opportunity to get to know him. She took advantage of it.”

  “She’s a miserable bitch. She took something that wasn’t hers to take in the first place.”

  Her mom gave her a sad look. “Thanks for being on my side. I need it.”

  “Is it possible to hate someone for something they did, but love them anyway?”

  “Yes.”

  That night, after Josh went to bed, Lexie lit a fire and burned her father’s love letters. She didn’t look at one of them. That was a part of his life he didn’t share with her, or with any of them. She did
n’t want to embarrass him, even in death.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Daphne had gone back to Halifax shortly after the funeral. The four girls were together with their mother under the same roof for the first time in over ten years. It gave them comfort. Besides helping sort through Dad’s possessions, they sat in the kitchen a good deal, talking about old memories. They laughed as often as they cried. But the time came for them to get back into their own routines. Their mother knew that but it was hard for them not to notice the panic in her eyes at the thought of rattling around in a big house by herself. They sat together at the kitchen table and drank their last cup of tea, before they started their lives over again, their lives without Dad.

  “Mom,” Kate asked, “would you like to come and stay with me for awhile? Maybe you need to get away for a bit.”

  Kate’s sisters looked at each other. This was the first time Kate had asked Mom to come to her home. It was a big step.

  Mom sat at the head of the table. She twirled her wedding ring on her finger. “I don’t think so dear. But thank you.”

  “Why not?”

  “I need to be here.”

  “Are you sure that’s the reason?” Kate’s voice sounded tight.

  Lexie wondered, why now? Did she feel safe surrounded by them, or had Dad’s death made everything else irrelevant?

  Her mother sighed, “I don’t want talk about this now, Kate.”

  She didn’t take her eyes off Mom. “Talk about what?”

  Gabby spoke up. “Why don’t you leave Mom alone? She obviously isn’t up to it. She needs to be here. Don’t make a federal case out of it.”

  Kate turned to look at her. “What would you know about what Mom needs to do? You haven’t been here, have you? You haven’t suffered with the rest of us.”

  “Girls, don’t start.”

  “No.” Kate turned back to Mom. “I don’t understand why Gabby gets a say in anything we should or shouldn’t do. She comes, she goes. She’s a part-time member of the family, so she doesn’t get a vote.”

  Lexie tried to interject. “Kate, calm down. What’s wrong?”

  Beth leaned towards Lexie and answered for her. “What do you mean ‘what’s wrong’? She doesn’t have to be spoken to like that from someone who doesn’t give a damn about the rest of us.”

  This was bad.

  Mom held her two hands in front of her as if to push them away. “Girls, please. We’re all overwrought. Just let it go.”

  “No.” Kate jumped up from the table and started to walk around her mother’s outstretched hands, as if she were playing musical chairs. She couldn’t stay still.

  “This is probably the last time the five of us will be alone together, without kids or husbands or lovers hanging around.” Kate looked at Gabby as she finished her sentence. She paced up and down, as if gathering strength, before she went back to her own chair, stood behind it, and used it as a shield.

  “I’m tired of never saying anything. Ever since Daddy died I’ve watched all of us. No one ever tells the truth.”

  She pointed at Mom. “Mom doesn’t say anything to Gabby about the endless men she tosses aside. Or why she didn’t come home for so long.”

  She pointed at Beth. “Beth doesn’t say anything about how hurt she was when Gabby didn’t come home after she heard about Willie.”

  Lexie was next. “Lexie doesn’t say anything about how Gabby broke her heart when she took off with Adrian.”

  “And Gabby here,” she threw her arm out as if to introduce her to an audience, “doesn’t say anything about the fact that she broke it.”

  She paused for a breath and put her hand over her own heart. “And I don’t say anything to Mom about Daphne being my lover and Mom doesn’t say anything about it either.”

  She stopped and looked at them. They stared at the table. No one wanted to say anything.

  “Well?”

  There was silence. Kate sighed and sat back down on her chair beside Mom.

  “Mom, you know about me and Daphne, don’t you?”

  She looked straight ahead.

  Kate watched her mother with sad eyes. “You know I’m gay, don’t you? You know we live together, don’t you?”

  Mom didn’t say anything.

  Kate held her hands together on her lap, as if to say grace.

  “I don’t want to hide this anymore. To wonder if you know, and think maybe you don’t, because you never say anything. Do you know how hurtful that is? To have you ignore my entire life?”

  Kate finally looked up at Lexie. “You stick your nose in Lexie’s business endlessly. You try to make her thinner, or better somehow, as if she needs constant improvement, which is ridiculous since she’s the dearest thing that ever walked on two legs.”

  She turned her big sad eyes back to her mother.

  “You leave Beth alone because you know she’ll tell you to mind your own business. You tiptoe around Gabby because she looks too damn good. It doesn’t matter if she’s selfish or shallow.”

  Kate looked out the window. “Then there’s me. You dismiss me. As long as I don’t throw it in your face, you can pretend I’m simply a spinster, that I’ve had bad luck with men and my girlfriends are just my girl friends.”

  She put her hand out to hold Mom’s arm. “This has got to stop. This has got to end tonight. I am who I am and nothing more. I’d like you to come and stay with my partner and me. We’d love to have you. We’d like to be able to help you. We both love you as it happens. Daphne loves you, Mom. I love you. Daddy’s gone. You are my only parent. I need you to know me. I need you to want to know me. That’s all.”

  Mom sat still, with a wooden look on her face. They watched her. The moment had come. Kate couldn’t take anything back. It was out.

  Mom stood up and walked over to the window above the sink. The same one she looked out when she made her confession to Lexie, as if she gathered courage from her garden. She could barely see it in the twilight. She spoke as she stared out the window.

  “I’m sorry I’m such a disappointment to you girls. I never realized what a miserable parent I’ve turned out to be.”

  “Mom, don’t be melodramatic. Please.” Kate begged. “You’re not miserable. I just need things to change between us. I don’t want to lie anymore. I love you.”

  “You could have fooled me.”

  “Mom, come on,” Lexie said, “You know what Kate means.”

  “It doesn’t matter what she means.” Gabby could hardly contain her anger. She gave Kate a dirty look. “Her meaning was lost in the spoiled brat message she just saw fit to deliver, and at the best possible moment too, when all of us are grieving.”

  Beth turned to Gabby. “Why don’t you shut your mouth for five minutes. This isn’t your battle, so keep out of it.”

  Gabby waved her hand at Kate. “It is my battle, when Kate indulges herself with her big coming out of the closet speech while Mom’s in a vulnerable state.”

  Kate turned around in her seat to face Gabby. “I don’t want to hurt her. I only want her to come and visit me, like any mom would. I don’t want her to be afraid of me. I miss Daddy so much. If I don’t settle this now, Gabby, she’ll never come to my house.” Kate looked distraught. “She won’t come because she’ll have to pretend she doesn’t know what she knows and I’ll have to pretend that she doesn’t know either. Do you see what kind of a mess that makes?”

  “You need to stop being so defensive when it comes to your life-style, as you call it,” Gabby said. “Nobody gives a damn who you sleep with. You don’t need to rub Mom’s nose in it. If she wants to pretend everything’s normal, that’s the way she chooses to handle it. So grow up.”

  Beth got up and stood facing Gabby, pointing a finger in her face. “Don’t you ever talk about life-style to us. You don’t have the right. You spout off as if you know everything, but lady, you know nothing. You don’t hang around long enough to find out what a real relationship is. You spread your legs and move on.” Beth
was livid. “Kate and Daphne are a couple. They share a home, a life and a commitment to each other. Rory and I are a couple. We have five children. We nearly lost our minds when our son died, but we hung on to each other and did it. We’re still doing it. Lexie struggles to raise a little boy by herself. It’s a lonely and difficult thing to do. But she does it.”

  Beth started to raise her voice. “You on the other hand slither around and pick up men to amuse yourself. You make men fall in love with you and dump them. You left Richard reeling. He didn’t deserve that. You took Adrian away. You must have known Lexie was fond of him. But still you left. You left Mom and Dad and all of us. You didn’t even come back when you knew Willie died. You sent flowers. I had a child who died and you couldn’t be bothered to fly home for a day or two and give me a hug.”

  Tears fell from her eyes. “When were you going to come home, Gabby, if Daddy hadn’t died? Never? Were you going to sit on a luxury yacht somewhere and screw all the rich old men on the dock? And you have the nerve to come back here after all this time and tell us that, according to your standards, we’re wrong? How dare you.”

  Gabby stood up and slapped Beth across the face. Then she walked out of the kitchen and went up the stairs. They heard her bedroom door close.

  Beth held her hand to her cheek. It was red. She never said a word and she didn’t make a sound. Lexie and Mom and Kate were motionless. As they listened to Beth’s outburst, all of them had trembled.

  Mom was the first to move. “Beth dear, are you all right?”

  Beth nodded her head once, took her coat and went home without a word. Her outburst reverberated in their ears. The air was heavy with words, as if they still hung in the air.

  Mom sat down quickly and took Lexie and Kate by the hand.

  Her voice shook. “We cannot fall apart like this. We’ve got to stick together. Your father would be horrified if he thought we’d tear ourselves to pieces because of his death.” She looked frightened. “I’m not sure what to do.”

  “There’s nothing you can do, Mom,” Lexie reassured her. “Beth’s been angry since Willie died. She needed to get that out, and Gabby’s angry because she feels guilty about not being here when Dad died. Give them some time.”