Relative Happiness

by Lesley Crewe

  “Sope. Sope!”

  Sophie was mewing inside. Josh hit the front door with his fist as Lexie looked for her keys. She finally unlocked it and he rushed in.

  “Just a minute, big guy,” she laughed. “Let Mommy take off your jacket.”

  He jumped up and down, in a hurry to give Sophie her supper. Lexie got him unzipped and he took off, pulling his jacket sleeves inside out in his rush to get to the kitchen.

  She hollered down the hall. “Don’t give her too much, sweetie.”

  The phone rang. She grabbed the mail on her way in and shuffled through it as she headed for the phone. Opened the Visa bill. Yuck.

  “Hello?”

  “Lexie?”

  “Yes?”

  “Hi.”

  “Hi.” Lexie wasn’t really listening. She had her ear on the noise in the kitchen. It sounded like Josh was pouring out a whole box of cat chow.

  “Sorry, who’s this?”

  “Adrian.”

  She hung up and sat down quickly. The phone rang again and this time the answering machine did the talking.

  Beep. “I’m sorry Lexie, I don’t want to frighten you. Please let me talk. I know I have no right to call you out of the blue, but I didn’t want to just show up at your door. Maybe I should’ve written, but I was afraid you’d tear it up. This is my only way to reach you. Please Lexie, I need so badly to—” Beep. Message cut off.

  It rang again. She waited. Beep. “Please take my phone number.” He gave it to her. “I’ll wait for your call. I need to speak with you. That day in Montreal, I thought you were a dream, and then you were gone. I want to explain—” Beep. He didn’t call back.

  Lexie stared at the ashes in the fireplace.

  “Mama!”

  She went into the kitchen, cleaned up the cat chow and washed Joshua’s hands. Then she put him in his highchair and sliced half a banana into a plastic Bunnykins bowl, to tide him over until she got his supper ready. After all his chicken, fresh peas and sweet potato was gone, up they went for his bath.

  When Lexie got him into his pyjamas she cuddled him in the rocking chair by his crib, and picked up the first book she could reach off the floor.

  “Let’s see, what have we got tonight.” She showed Josh the cover. “Sleeping Dragons All Around. This is a really good book, isn’t it? You like dragons.”

  He nodded and stuck his thumb in his mouth.

  She turned the pages. “We’ll start with Glump, since he’s your favourite.”

  Josh nodded again.

  “Glump is simply a dimplish, blimpish balloon belly, a slumpish lump, a WIMP of a dragon, with his tail zigzaggin around the room, his chin draggin along the floor, with HICCUPS like no one’s heard before. The whole floor shakes but Glump NEVER wakes, so I must tiptoe, tiptoe softly as I pass…”

  Halfway through the book, Josh was asleep. Lexie tucked him in, kissed his cheek and closed his door part way. Then she took off her clothes and got in the shower, scrubbing her skin until it hurt. Lexie washed her hair, got out of the tub and put on her red flannel pyjamas with the tiny white hearts. After brushing her teeth, she put down fresh water for Sophie, made sure the doors were locked, the coffee ready to go for the morning and the lights were turned off.

  But instead of going to bed, she grabbed her duvet, wrapped herself up in it, sat in the old armchair and dialled Adrian’s number.

  He picked it up on the first ring.

  “Lexie?”

  “Yes.”

  “Thank you. If only you knew how much this means to me.”

  “What do you want Adrian?”

  “Can I come and see you?”

  “When?”

  “Now.”

  “Where are you?”

  “A half an hour away.”

  She hung up the phone.

  Marlene tapped her on the shoulder. She nearly jumped out of her skin.

  “Good gravy, girl! What’s the matter with you? You’re like a cat on a hot griddle.”

  “Marlene, don’t sneak up on me. You’ll give me a heart attack.”

  “Looks like you’re about to have one now. You’re as flushed as a toilet.”

  Even in Lexie’s hyper state, she had to respond. “Where do you come up with these revolting sayings of yours?”

  “I make them up. It gives me something to do while I put these damn cards back in alphabetical order.”

  “Marlene?”

  “Yeah?”

  “You kill me.”

  “I try.”

  After dropping Josh off at Mom’s, Lexie picked up two bottles of wine and cleaned her house. She had no idea why. She had a bubble bath and took a long time to get ready. She decided she would stay casual. She didn’t want him to think it took all evening to get ready, even if it did.

  Lexie didn’t know what would happen, or what she’d say, but she needed to have everything in order. She needed to be prepared, unlike the last time they laid eyes on each other.

  She dialled the phone.

  One ring.

  “Lexie?”

  “I’m here.”

  He hung up.

  She watched the taxi pull into the driveway. He got out and came up the steps. Her heart pounded as she opened the door.

  He looked wonderful. His hair was shorter, but still gorgeous and he’d filled out a little. He seemed more at ease, more sure of himself. He looked so good, and smelled even better. He wore jeans and a white shirt underneath his brown suede jacket. She wanted to hold him so badly she didn’t dare move.

  He stopped and caught his breath. “Oh, Lexie. How beautiful you look. It’s so good to see you again.” He gave her that familiar smile, the one she dreamed of night after night. “If only you knew how much I wanted this moment to happen.”

  She couldn’t speak at first. She finally whispered, “Come in.”

  He took off his jacket and draped it over the chair in the hall. She walked ahead of him into the living room, as she had so long ago. She stood by the fire. He looked around.

  “I don’t recognize anything, except the furniture. Look how wonderful the floors are. And your rugs! They’re works of art.”

  It pleased her to hear him say so.

  He turned. “And dear old Sophie.”

  Sophie opened her eyes and gave him a look. She yawned and went back to sleep.

  “Good old Soph. Nothing ever rattles that creature. I see she’s as fat as ever.”

  “She’s not fat, she’s fluffy.”

  He gave her a big smile.

  “Would you like some wine?”

  “Yes, thank you.”

  She went into the kitchen, and poured two glasses of red wine. She took them back into the living room and asked him to sit down.

  They looked at one another.

  This was the night that would change everything.

  Adrian fiddled with his wineglass before he put it on the table beside him. “I’m not sure where to begin.”

  “I won’t make this easy for you, Adrian. I’m not a hostess tonight.”

  “Of course, of course.”

  She took a sip of wine. Her throat was dry. “You asked to see me, because you want me to hear you out.”

  “Yes. I have so much to explain.” He looked towards the fireplace. “I’m just not sure where to start.”

  “I’m not the same woman you left behind.”

  He looked back at her. “No, I can see that.”

  “It’s nothing you can see on the outside. It comes from living.”

  He looked at her intently. “You never knew me when I lived here, Lexie.” He looked back down at his hands. “I want you to know me.”

  “Why should I?”

  “Because you were my friend when I needed one, and I disrespected that friendship. I’d like the chance to apologize for my behaviour. I’ve missed you very much.”

  She took another big gulp of wine. “You have a very funny way of showing it.”

  “I know it seems ridiculous
. To leave and never get in touch. There are reasons for it.”

  She was uncomfortable. “So now I get to hear your excuses. I’m not sure I want to.”

  “I understand that.”

  “No, I don’t think you do.” This was a mistake. Part of her wanted to go over there and kiss his perfect mouth until morning. The other part wanted to slap his face, over and over again.

  She got up. “Maybe you should go.”

  Adrian got up too. He came over and took her by the hands.

  “Sit, Lexie. I need to tell you about someone. A girl I loved, in Africa.”

  Gabby had it wrong. This wasn’t about her. He wanted to ease his conscience. He was sorry he hurt her as a friend. That’s what he called her, a friend. Now he wanted to tell her about the girl he left behind. The one he loved.

  She shut down. Pretend you’re in a play, Lexie, then you don’t have to be you.

  She sat only because she didn’t have the strength to stand anymore. He took that to mean that she was ready to listen, and began.

  “I worked in a refugee camp in Tanzania. You knew that. I was there for almost two years when a girl arrived with her baby. She was with a group of displaced people who arrived from the West, from Burundi. They were forced to leave their homes, because of tribal warfare between Hutu and Tutsi tribes. They were in pretty rough shape when they arrived.”

  He took a drink of his wine. “It was my job to try and get some information from them. Most of them spoke Swahili. When it came time to take her name, she didn’t speak. Refused. One of the women told me she never spoke, so I asked them to give me the information I needed. They said they didn’t know her. She’d joined them on the road one day and followed them.”

  Adrian took a breather, as if to gather his thoughts. He was agitated.

  “Here I was, a master of language and I couldn’t communicate with her.” He clasped his hands together and held them tightly. “It was frustrating. I needed some information, to try and help her. I wanted her to get back to her family. I wanted to do something. She was so small and helpless. She had beautiful big brown eyes that looked like they’d seen the end of the world.”

  Adrian looked at her. “She was so alone, Lexie. The people from the same villages gather in their separate groups most of the time. It’s so frightening to have your world taken away from you. They stay near each other for comfort. But this girl had no one. She hovered close to the group she came in with, but stayed apart.”

  Adrian’s demeanour had changed. He was no longer the confident man who walked in. She felt more familiar with this man. Her heart thawed a little, and she forgot about herself. There was only the story to listen to.

  “One day, a long line formed outside the doctor’s tent, where they gave vaccines to the children, to prevent measles. It’s a deadly disease in these places. It kills so many. There aren’t enough health facilities in the country. It was hot and windy. The kind of day you want to scream because there’s no escape from the sand or the dust. I happened to walk by with forms for the office, when I felt a small tug on my sleeve. I turned around and there she was. She looked frantic. She held up her baby girl. I knew there was something wrong. The baby was limp, unconscious. They’d stood at the end of the line in that hot sun.”

  Adrian wrung his hands. “I grabbed the baby and she ran after me. I went into the medical hut, and asked someone to help me. They took the baby and put her on a table. Two nurses started to undress her. They did what needed to be done. Her mother stood by the bed, so I left.”

  Adrian had to stop and swallow.

  “At dinner that night, one of the nurses came up and told me it was a good thing I brought the baby when I did. She was dehydrated and suffering from sunstroke. So many things can happen to these children, who are vulnerable already. It’s heartbreaking. It makes me so angry.”

  “I went back to the medical tent the next day. There she was. She sat by her baby in a makeshift cot in a corner of the room. She turned around and smiled the sweetest smile. She came over and took me by the hand, back to the cot.”

  “The baby was awake and looked much better. I touched her cheek. I pointed to the baby and said ‘Binti,’ the word for ‘daughter’ in Swahili. She nodded her head but said nothing else. Since I had no other name, that’s what I called her.”

  He stopped for a moment and looked down. “I felt protective of her and the baby. I soon realized she was very attached to me.”

  Lexie finally spoke. “You saved her child.”

  “Yes. Soon I found excuses to see her, or to be near her. She didn’t speak, but I knew how she felt about me. One of my friends noticed it and told me to back off, because it wouldn’t do to have the staff give more attention to one than the others. I thought he was being overly dramatic. I wanted her close to me. She was alone. I hated to see her without a friend.”

  Adrian got up from the chair and paced, as if to stay ahead of the facts he brought to light. Lexie got edgy. This didn’t feel good.

  “One day she came over and handed me a small piece of paper. I felt uneasy as I took it, because sometimes people watched us, but it seemed a harmless enough thing to do.”

  He stopped and looked down at his hand as if he held the paper. “It was a small drawing of the view just outside the camp, a lone tree against the flat plateau that made up our landscape. I pointed to it and then to her and I. She nodded her head.”

  He closed his fist and suddenly dropped in his chair. He didn’t look at her. His eyes focussed inwards.

  “We arranged a signal to meet, because to go near her all the time looked suspicious. Three small stones in the hollow by the office. If I put them there, we’d meet at the tree after sunset.”

  Adrian did look up now, as if to make her understand. “I should never have done that, lure her out of the camp after dark. I didn’t think because I was selfish. I wanted to make love to her.”

  Adrian grabbed his wine and gulped it down. “Everything was fine for awhile. We’d meet and we needed no words. I thought about how I might get her out of that camp, her and Binti.”

  Adrian didn’t speak for a long time. Lexie watched him. His face looked haunted as he stared in the fire.

  “Adrian, you don’t have to talk. I don’t need to know anymore. I don’t want you to be upset.”

  He looked over at her, but it was as if she hadn’t spoken. “One day I couldn’t find her. I went to her tent. I’d never done that before. I asked an old woman if she’d seen her. She didn’t say anything, just lifted the covering on a little bundle by her side. It was Binti. I knew something was wrong. She’d never leave her child unless it was to come to me. I looked everywhere for her. The sun was going down and I ran out of places to look. Then I thought of the hollow. There were three stones…I hadn’t put them there.”

  Adrian found it hard to keep his voice steady. Lexie didn’t want to hear it.

  “I started to run. She might have gone to the well. I had to believe that. I started to panic because I had a feeling I couldn’t get rid of. Something was wrong. I shouted ‘Binti’ over and over. I had no other name. I looked and looked and had to keep going. I was responsible for her, Lexie. She had no one else.”

  Adrian looked at her, bewilderment in his eyes. “What had she gone through to make her never want to speak again? Where were her husband, her mother, and her family? Why was she so alone?”

  Before Lexie knew what happened, Adrian got on the floor and grabbed the old pillow he used to love to sit on. He held it close to his chest, and rocked back and forth. She wanted him to stop.

  “Adrian, please stop. Please. It’s all right. I don’t want to know.”

  He was past hearing her. He wasn’t in the room anymore. He ran on an African plateau, under a moonlit sky, out of breath and searching.

  “That’s when I found her.”

  He started to sob. He wouldn’t stop. Lexie got on her knees and tried to hold him but he just rocked and rocked. She couldn’t believe thi
s was happening. He was in desperate pain.

  He put his hands over his face, as if he didn’t want to see.

  “Oh Lexie.”

  She tried to hush him like a baby. “Don’t Adrian. Don’t.”

  He cried into his hands. “The things they did to her, Lexie. The things they did to her.”

  Oh my God. This has to stop.

  “Adrian. She’s not in pain anymore. She’s not there.” She was frantic to try and help him in some way. “It’s over dearest. It’s all over. She’s safe now. She’s not there. She’s at peace now.”

  He didn’t talk. That part was over. But he cried. He cried his heart out. She sat on the floor beside him, her arm across his back. She gave him Kleenex. Sophie came over and rubbed against him. He picked her up and held her close, stroking her fur over and over. He stopped rocking so hard. The three of them swayed together until the embers died away.

  Lexie told him she’d get him a taxi. He was calm now, but he didn’t say very much. She said he should try to get some sleep. He turned before he left.

  “I didn’t mean for it to be like that. I only wanted to explain.”

  “It’s okay Adrian. You need to rest now.” And she opened the front door for him. “Goodbye.”

  “Thank you.” He took her hand for a moment and gave it a squeeze. Then he turned around and left. She watched the red taillights fade into the night.

  She took her clothes off and crawled into bed. It was near daybreak. She fell into a dead sleep.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Joss sold most of his possessions and paid up the lease on his apartment. He wouldn’t be back. He was going home to Cape Breton to stay.

  His father was pretty low when he arrived. He shouted and grumbled about everything. Stuck up in his bedroom like an old woman, he refused to read or watch television. His mother was ready to wring his neck. But Joss knew the temper was really fright. To Danny, not being on the water meant he was dead.

  Joss sat with his dad on his first evening back. His mother brought up their tea on a tray with a plate of ginger cookies. Joss waited until their tea was almost gone.