Analog SFF, November 2006

by Dell Magazine Authors

  He saw her nod ruefully. SETI, as he'd often heard Sarah say, was a mid-twentieth-century idea, given birth to by Morrison and Cocconi's famous paper, and, as such, it carried a lot of quaint baggage. The notion that governments, hopefully cooperating internationally, would control the sending and receiving of signals was a fossil of an earlier age, before cheap, mass-produced satellite dishes became common, allowing everyone everywhere to watch ESPN and the Playboy channel.

  No, these days anybody who wanted to cobble together the equipment from off-the-shelf parts could build their own radio-telescope array. Using home-computer astronomy software to drive them, consumer satellite dishes could easily track Sigma Draconis across the sky. Such dishes separated by wide distances could be linked via the Internet, and with the aid of error-correcting and noise-canceling software, groups of them effectively formed much bigger dishes. The phrase “SETI@home” had taken on an all-new meaning.

  Of course, the American FCC, and comparable bodies in other jurisdictions, had the authority to limit private radio broadcasting. At the urging of the SETI community, the FCC was trying to prosecute many of the individuals and groups that were beaming unofficial replies to Sigma Draconis. But those cases were almost certainly all going to be lost because of First Amendment challenges. No matter how powerful they were, tight-beam transmissions aimed at one tiny point in the sky had no impact on the normal use of the airwaves, and attempts to ban such narrowcasts were therefore an unwarranted infringement of free speech.

  Don knew that some religious organizations, including a few new cults that had sprung up, had already built their own vast dishes, dedicated to beaming signals to Sigma Draconis. Some did it twenty-four hours a day; Sigma Drac never set in the sky for anyone whose latitude was greater than twenty degrees north.

  And for those who just wanted to send one or two messages—crackpot theories, execrable poetry, political tracts—there were private-sector firms that had built dishes and offered various transmission plans. One of the best-known was Dracon Express, whose slogan was, “When it absolutely, positively has to be there 18.8 years from now."

  Nine-year-old Emily appeared, having come up from the basement. “Hi, sweetheart,” Don said. “Just a few minutes to dinner. Set the table, will you?"

  Emily looked petulant. “Do I have to?"

  "Yes, dear, you do,” he said.

  She let out a theatrical sigh. “I have to do everything!"

  "Yes, you do,” Don said. “After dinner, you have to go out and plow the fields for a few hours. And when you're done with that, you'll need to sweep all the streets from here to Finch Avenue."

  "Oh, Daddy!” But she was grinning now as she headed off into the kitchen. He turned back to his wife, who was visibly trying not to wince every time Emily banged the plates together.

  "So,” he said, “did your group figure out precisely why the aliens are interested in our morality?"

  She shook her head. “Some paranoid types think we're being tested, and, if found wanting, will be subject to retribution. Someone from France went so far as to suggest we were undergoing an evaluation by the Sigma Draconian equivalent of PETA, wanting to determine, before they came to eat us, whether we had the higher moral and cognitive standing of true intelligences, or were just dumb cattle."

  "I thought it was an article of faith in SETI circles that aliens only communicated; they never actually go places."

  "Apparently they didn't get that memo in Paris,” said Sarah. “Anyway, someone else suggested that we're just one data point in some wider survey, the kind that would be summarized in multicolor pie charts in the Dracon counterpart of USA Today."

  A timer sounded in the kitchen. Don patted her legs, indicating she should let him up. She did so, and he headed in. He rinsed his hands, then opened the stove, feeling a rush of hot air pouring out. “And what about orchestrating the replies?” he called out. “What did you guys decide about that?"

  Sarah called back, “Hang on, I'm going to wash up."

  He got the oven mitts and removed the pot, placing it on the stove top.

  "Where are the napkins?” Emily asked.

  "In that cupboard,” he said, indicating it with a movement of his head. “Just like yesterday. And the day before."

  "Stacie said she saw Mommy on TV,” Emily said.

  "That's pretty cool, isn't it?” he said, opening the pot and stirring the vegetables surrounding the meat.

  "Yeah,” said Emily.

  Sarah appeared in the doorway. “Something smells good."

  "Thanks,” said Don, then, shouting, “Carl! Dinner!"

  It took a few minutes to get everyone seated and served, then Don said, “So, what are you going to send the aliens?"

  "We're going to do what they asked. We're going to set up a website, based at U of T, and let people from all over the world answer the questions the aliens asked. We'll pick at random a thousand completed surveys, and send them off."

  Carl was reaching for the dinner rolls. “Hey,” Don said, “come on, Carl. Don't reach halfway across the table. Ask your sister; she'll pass them."

  Carl sighed. “Can I have the rolls?"

  "Say please,” Emily said.

  "Dad!"

  Don was tired. “Emily, give your brother the rolls."

  Scowling, she did so.

  "Why do you suppose they want a thousand sets of responses?” continued Don. “Why not just, you know, send a summary—like, X percent chose answer A, Y percent chose B, and so on."

  "This isn't Family Feud," said Sarah.

  Don chuckled.

  "Seriously,” said Sarah, “I suspect it's because if you summarize it all, you'd never see the seemingly contradictory stuff. You know, saying that X percent are against abortion and Y percent are for the death penalty doesn't let you draw out the fact that, often, it's the same people who are pro-life and also pro-capital punishment. Or, for that matter, the aliens might consider my own beliefs to be bizarrely contradictory. Being both pro-choice and anti-capital punishment could be interpreted as meaning you're in favor of murdering innocent children but against killing those who could be said to deserve it. I'd never put it that way, of course, but combinations like that are interesting, and I guess they don't want them to get lost in the data."

  "Sounds like a plan,” Don said, while carving another piece of roast for Carl. “But what about your own answers?"

  "Sorry?"

  "You figured out that it was a survey,” he said. “Surely one of the thousand sets of answers sent should be yours."

  "Oh, I don't know about that...” Sarah said.

  "Sure, Mom,” said Carl. “You've got to include your own answers. It's your right."

  "Well, we'll see,” said Sarah. “Emily, would you please pass the peas?"

  * * * *

  Chapter 23

  After lunch, Lenore headed back to the university, and Don made his way down to the Art Gallery. He'd been impressed by the young lady's Scrabble play. She had a terrific vocabulary, a good strategic sense, and didn't take too long to make her moves. Although he did ultimately win, she had the best single turn, placing oxlip vertically starting at the triple-word-score square in the upper-left corner of the board.

  The Art Gallery of Ontario had the world's largest collection of Henry Moore sculptures, as well as major collections of European Old Masters and Canada's Group of Seven, plus a permanent exhibition of Helena van Vliet water colors—and although Don had seen all of those before, he enjoyed looking at them again. But it was the traveling exhibition of blown glass by Robyn Herrington that had really brought him here today, and he took his time admiring each piece. He had a fondness for art forms that required genuine manual skill; so often, today's digital arts substituted patience for real talent, he thought.

  The AGO was popular with tourists, and he had to put up with being jostled a fair bit—but at least it didn't actually hurt to be bumped by people anymore; until recently, he often used to ache for hours after
colliding with a wall or another person.

  His favorite Herrington piece, he decided, was a yellow fish with big blue eyes and giant pink lips; somehow, out of molten glass, the artist had imbued great personality into it.

  After he'd seen his fill, Don headed outside and started making his way back to the university to pick up the pile of papers. Rush hour had begun and the traffic on the streets was already bumper-to-bumper. By the time he got back to the fourteenth floor of the McLennan tower, it was a quarter to five, but, as promised, Lenore was still there.

  "Hi, Don,” she said. “I was beginning to think you'd fallen into a black hole."

  He smiled. “Sorry. Lost track of time."

  "How was the exhibition?"

  "Terrific, actually."

  "I put your papers into a couple of bags for you, so they'd be easier to carry."

  And who said young people today were inconsiderate? “Thanks."

  "It's too bad it's so late,” Lenore said. “The subway will be jam-packed, at least for the next ninety minutes. Sardine-city."

  "I hadn't thought about that,” he said. It had been years since he'd had to come home from downtown in rush hour. A tin can full of sweaty, exhausted people didn't sound very pleasant.

  "Look,” said Lenore, “I'm about to head back to the Duke of York."

  "Again?” said Don, astonished.

  "I get a discount there. And it's Tuesday night—that's wing night. Me and a few other grad students meet there every week. Why don't you come along? You can hang with us until the subway traffic dies down a bit."

  "Oh, I don't want to intrude."

  "It's no intrusion."

  "I, um..."

  "Think about it. I'm going to have a pee before I head out.” She left the office, and Don looked out the little window. In the distance, beyond the campus, he could see gridlocked streets. He reached into the pocket of his shorts, and pulled out his datacom. “Call Sarah,” he said to it, and a moment later he heard her saying, “Hello?"

  "Hey, hon,” he said. “How are you?"

  "Fine. Where are you?"

  "Actually, down at your old stomping grounds. Just picking up the papers you wanted."

  "How was the exhibit at the AGO?"

  "Good; I'm glad I saw it. But, listen, I really don't want to face the rush-hour crush on the subway."

  "No, you shouldn't."

  "And Lenore here, and a few other grad students, are going out for chicken wings, and—"

  "And my husband loves his wings,” Sarah said, and Don could hear the smile in her voice.

  "So would you mind if...?"

  "No, not at all. In fact, Julie Fein just called. They've got theater tickets for tonight, but Howie's not feeling up to going, so she wanted to know if I wanted to go; I was just about to call you."

  "Oh, for sure. Go. What are you going to see?"

  "Fiddler on the Roof, at Leah Posluns.” Just a few blocks from their home.

  Don did a decent Topol impersonation, and he sang a few bars of “If I Were a Rich Man"—he liked any song that properly employed the subjunctive. Then he added, “Have a wonderful time."

  "Thanks, dear—and enjoy your wings."

  "Bye."

  "Bye."

  Just as Don was closing up his datacom, Lenore came back into the room. “So, what's the verdict?” she asked.

  "Thanks,” he said. “Wings sound great."

  * * * *

  When Don and Lenore arrived back at the Duke of York, Lenore's friends had already shown up. They were seated in a small room to the left on the ground floor, an area Lenore said was called “the snug."

  "Hey, everybody,” Lenore said, pulling out a captain's chair and sitting down. “This is my friend Don."

  Don took a seat, as well. Two small round tables had been shoved together.

  Lenore indicated a lanky Asian man in his twenties. “Don, this is Makoto. And this is Halina” (petite, with brown hair) “and Phyllis” (a blond who looked like she'd be quite tall, if she were standing up).

  "Hi, everybody,” Don said. “Thanks for letting me join you.” A moment later, Gabby, who was still on duty, came by. He listened as she recited what was on draft, and he ordered an Old Sully's Light, the only low-carb beer on the list.

  Lenore immediately dove into the current topic of conversation, something about a guy they knew having gotten into a fight with his girlfriend. Don settled into his chair and tried to get a handle on the personalities. Halina didn't seem to ever speak, but she had an expressive face that reacted—indeed, overreacted—to whatever the others were saying: eyebrows shooting up, jaw dropping, big smile, bigger frown; she was a living series of emoticons. Phyllis had what seemed to Don to be a juvenile and bawdy sense of humor, and she made liberal use of the F-word. Makoto looked unhappy that Don was there; perhaps he'd been counting on being the only guy with three beautiful women.

  Don mostly just listened to the conversation for the next little while, laughing a bit at those jokes he got, and drinking beer. He knew he could have joined in the discussion, but what they were talking about was so trivial, and they seemed to blow their little life crises out of any reasonable proportion: being away from home for the first time, petty social dynamics, and so on. Makoto, Halina, and Phyllis didn't have a ghost of an idea what it was like to have lived a life, to have raised kids and had a career. Lenore did have interesting things to say, and he paid attention when she was speaking, but when the others were talking he found himself mostly eavesdropping on the middle-aged couple at the next table, who were having a spirited discussion about how they thought the Conservative party was going to rout the Liberals in the upcoming election, and—

  "Did you see Sarah Halifax on TV last week?” Makoto said to the others. “A fucking corpse walking. She must be like a hundred and ten."

  "She's only eighty-seven,” Don said evenly.

  "'Only,'” said Makoto, as if repeating a punchline for the benefit of those who might not have heard it.

  Lenore spoke up. “Makoto, Don is—"

  Don cut her off. “I'm just saying, Sarah Halifax is not that old."

  "Yeah, well, she looks like Gollum,” said Makoto. “And she must be completely senile."

  Halina nodded vigorously but said nothing.

  "Why do you say that?” Don said, trying to keep his voice even.

  "Don't get me wrong,” said Makoto. “I know she figured out what the first message meant. But the TV thing said Cody McGavin thinks the old bat is going to figure out the new message, too.” He shook his head in a “can-you-imagine” sort of way.

  "Speaking of messages,” said Lenore, gamely trying to change the topic, “I got a call the other day from Ranjit at CFH. He says—"

  But Don couldn't help himself. “Professor Halifax understands the Dracons better than anyone."

  Makoto waved a hand dismissively. “Oh, she might have back in her day, but—"

  "This is still her day,” said Don. “She's Professor Emerita, remember—and without her, we wouldn't be communicating with the Dracons at all."

  "Yeah, yeah,” said Makoto. “But if McGavin would put some of his money behind someone who's got a chance—"

  "You mean you,” Don snapped.

  "Why not? Better someone born this century, this millennium, than a dried-up old fossil."

  Don looked down at his half-empty beer bottle, trying to remember if he was on his second or third. “You're being unfair,” he said, without looking up.

  "Look, Dan,” Makoto said, “this isn't your field. You don't know what you're talking about."

  "It's Don,” Lenore said, “and maybe he should tell you who—"

  "I do know what I'm talking about,” said Don. “I've been to Arecibo. I've been to the Allen."

  Makoto blinked. “You're full of shit. You're not an astronomer."

  Damn. “Forget it.” He got up, his chair making a loud wooden whack as it collided with the table behind them. Lenore looked at him in horror. S
he clearly thought he was going to take a swing at Makoto, and Makoto had a “just-try-it” scowl on his face. But he simply said, “I'm going to the john,” and he squeezed his way past Halina and Phyllis, and headed for the stairs leading down to the basement.

  It took a while to empty his bladder, which was probably just as well; it gave him some time to calm down. Christ's sake, why couldn't he have just kept his mouth shut? And he knew what conversation was going on back in the god-damn snug. “Shit, Lenore, that friend of yours is—” and Makoto would plug in whatever term kids today used for “touchy” or “crazy."

  Kids today. The urinal flushed as he turned around and walked to the sink. He washed his hands, avoiding looking at his reflection, then he climbed back upstairs. When he sat down, Lenore glared expectantly at Makoto.

  "Look, man,” Makoto said, “I'm sorry. I didn't know she was your grandmother."

  "Yeah,” said Phyllis. “We're sorry."

  He couldn't bring himself to respond in words, so he just nodded.

  There was more conversation, although Don didn't say much, and lots of wings were eaten; the primal tearing of flesh from bone with his teeth actually helped calm him down. Finally, the bill came. After paying his share, Makoto said, “Gotta motor.” He looked at Don. “Nice to meet you."

  Don managed a calm tone. “And you."

  "I should go, too,” said Phyllis. “Got a meeting with my supervisor first thing in the morning. You coming, Halina?"

  "Yeah,” said Halina, the only word Don had heard from her all evening.

  When they were alone, he looked at Lenore. “I'm sorry,” he said.

  But she lifted her rusty eyebrows. “For what? For defending your grandmother who wasn't here to defend herself? You're a good man, Donald Halifax."

  "I'm sure I spoiled your fun. I'm sorry your friends don't like me, and—"

  "Oh, they do. Well, maybe except for Makoto. But while you were in the washroom, Phyllis said you were gallant."

  He felt his jaw go slack. “Gallant” wasn't the sort of word one normally applied to a twenty-five-year-old.

  "I guess I should be going, too,” he said.

  "Yeah,” she said. “Me, too."