Breathe Again: A Love Story

by Joelle Duff

  My phone buzzed in my pocket, and I pulled it out to see a text message.

  Hope everything is alright. Jude has to get back to the studio, so I’ll see you tomorrow. – L

  I groaned, remembering that I actually agreed to go out with Lucy the next night, but I couldn’t cancel on her. She was so sweet to me, and I just hoped that her plans didn’t involve too much tequila or naked male dancing.

  Chloe was just finishing up the filling for our macarons when I finally got back into the kitchen, so we started making the actual shells once she was done. Really, I made them and she watched (again). Then I made our muffins (banana walnut) and scones (pumpkin cranberry) for the next day, before finally sending her home. I could have had her stay and help me clean up, but I wanted the time to myself.

  I was in denial about Jackson being gone; I wanted so badly to not care, but I knew I was fooling myself. Traveling was just part of his job, and part of my job meant staying at the café and baking. It didn’t help that his schedule was always so packed when he was gone that we barely got to talk. Not only that, but I’d gotten used to him sleeping in bed next to me, even if that meant he crawled in at midnight, after I fell asleep, and left before I woke up because he had to be back on set.

  By the time I finished washing all the dishes, Darcy had closed up the café and I was alone. I untied my apron and hung it up on the rack before heading up to my little loft. I had a date with the leftovers in my fridge, a bottle of wine, and my television.

  I was in the middle of a pint of ice cream and Notting Hill (ironic, I know, but I loved that movie long before I met Jackson) when my phone buzzed. I paused the movie, right after Julia Roberts leaves Hugh Grant’s house after reporters discover she is there, so that I could go grab it from where it lay on the kitchen counter.

  It was Jackson calling, and I glanced at the clock on the microwave to see what time it was. It was nearly ten o’clock, which meant that he was still up at almost one in the morning in New York, where he was to promote the new film and host SNL on Saturday.

  “Hey baby,” he said as soon as I picked up, and I felt a pang of loneliness at the sound of his voice. He was just too far away.

  “Hi,” I said quietly, heading back to the couch to sit down.

  “How’s everything over there?” he asked. I could faintly hear voices in the background of wherever he was, but I could also hear how tired he was.

  “Oh, you know,” I said, smiling a little. “Just the same as it always is. I got up at the buttcrack of dawn so that I could put my cranky customers into sugar-induced comas, trained my new incompetent assistant in the art of how not to burn cookies, drank my weight in coffee. Then there were the rockstar and award winning actress that came in to see me today. You know, same old, same old.”

  Jackson chuckled on the other end of the phone. “Lucy told me that she and Jude visited today.”

  I bit my lip, hoping she didn’t mention anything about my breakdown. “Did she?”

  “Yeah,” he said. “She also told me that someone upset you, and to ask you about it. Mellie, why didn’t you tell me about this guy?”

  I sighed. “It’s nothing Jackson. He’s just a harmless customer who just might have a little thing for me. You have nothing to worry about, believe me.” I felt bad for lying to him about who Collin actually was, but I knew it really didn’t matter.

  “I can’t help it Mellie,” he said, and I almost wanted to cry at how sincere he sounded. “I love you, and I don’t want anything to happen to you. You might think he’s harmless, but what if he isn’t? He needs to understand that nothing is going to happen between the two of you. Have you talked to Josephine about it yet?”

  “Not yet, but only because she wasn’t in today. She’s been gone all week, but I promise I’ll say something when she gets back. Not that I know what she can do about it…”

  “She can talk to him, tell him to leave you alone or he won’t be welcome back,” Jackson said angrily.

  “I can’t ask her to do that Jackson,” I said softly. I knew all he wanted to do was protect me, but he was being paranoid. “He’s harmless, I promise.”

  Jackson let out a breath into the phone. “Mellie, I know you believe that, but I’ve heard some scary shit about weird guys like this. You’re publicly known now, you have to remember that. People are going to want to know you, to see you, and as scary as it sounds, to be with you, whatever it takes. Has he ever mentioned seeing you on TV or anything?”

  I shook my head, even though he couldn’t see me. “No,” I said. “He hasn’t really said much of anything, just asking how I am and whatever.” I didn’t tell him about the flowers, and it didn’t sound like Lucy had either.

  He was silent for a second. “Alright,” he said finally. “But promise me that you’ll keep me updated, and that you’ll still talk to Josephine about it. I can send some security over there too, if that would make you feel better.”

  “Don’t be ridiculous Jackson,” I said immediately. “I don’t need anybody watching over me while I’m working. There are plenty of other people here. I’ll be fine.”

  “Okay,” he said, and I hoped the conversation was over. “I just love you Mellie. And I miss you. Maybe not being near you is making me a little paranoid, I’m sorry.”

  “It’s alright,” I said, my heart happy at his confession. “I miss you too.”

  “Now, tell me about your plans with Lucy tomorrow.”

  Chapter 29

  I was already dressed, and was just finishing up my makeup when Lucy called me a day later. She was supposed to pick me up at eight, but was going to be a little late. It was almost eight o’clock when she called, so I took my time with my makeup, and then went into the living room to keep myself occupied while I waited. She said she wouldn’t be more than fifteen minutes or so, but I was getting hungry. I really hoped that her plans included dinner, since I hadn’t eaten since lunch.

  When she still hadn’t shown up by eight fifteen, I headed into the kitchen to get something quick to eat. I had just settled on a yogurt and some almonds when I heard the back door to the kitchen open. I’d left it open for Lucy to come up, so I just figured that she was here. I went to put my yogurt back, but kept a handful of almonds to munch on while we headed to wherever we were going. I was about to go open the door to my loft for Lucy, but heard someone try to turn the handle without knocking. Lucy was known to just march in wherever she wanted, but she at least announced herself first.

  “Lucy?” I called out, heading to the door to open it for her, but she didn’t answer. “Lucy, is that you?” I called out again. I had my hand on the handle, but paused. She would say something, announce herself. Lucy wasn’t a quiet person; she wouldn’t just sneak up on me like this.

  Suddenly, I felt my stomach drop. Something was really off about this whole situation. I didn’t have a peephole on my front door, so I couldn’t see who exactly was outside. Jackson had a key, so he wasn’t surprising me by being home early, and nobody else would come up without telling me first.

  I backed away from the door, but not before reaching up and turning the deadbolt to double lock the door. Whoever was trying to get in was now pushing on the door while still turning the handle, like they were trying to force their way in.

  I felt a cold sweat drip down my back, and I shivered. They were trying to get into my apartment. Someone was actually trying to break in. And they knew I was here.

  “Go away,” I shouted, my voice shaking. “Leave me alone.” They still didn’t answer, and I felt tears pool behind my eyes. As scared as I’d been in my life, nothing had ever compared to this.

  Suddenly, I was all too aware of the fact that Lucy was supposed to be here any minute now. I prayed desperately that she stayed away, that she would be just a little bit longer.

  I pulled my phone out of my purse with shaking hands, and quickly pressed her name on the screen. I knew I should call the police, but I didn’t want her to come while someone was in the s
tairwell.

  “Lucy,” I sobbed as soon as I heard her pick up the phone, before she could even say hello. “Someone is trying to get into my apartment. Stay away, okay? I need to call the police, but if you’re here, stay in your car.”

  “Oh my god, Mellie, what? What are you talking about?” she said quickly, and I could hear the fear in her voice as well.

  “It’s not you at my door, is it?” I was almost shrieking into the phone as quietly as I could. I didn’t want them to hear me out there, to know that Lucy was supposed to be here any minute now.

  “No, it’s not me,” Lucy said quickly. “I’m five minutes away, I’ll be there soon, I promise. Just keep them out and call the police.”

  “Stay away Lucy, don’t come up here unless you see the cops outside, do you hear me?”

  “Hang up the fucking phone Mellie and call the police. And for bloody sake, get a bat or something. And hide.” She clicked the phone off, and I pulled it away from my ear, staring at it in fear.

  My fingers were shaking almost too badly for me to call 911, but I did. I called out as I pressed the numbers, “Go away, whoever you are. I’m calling the police right now.”

  For the first time since they started trying to get into my apartment, the person outside actually acknowledged that they know I was in here. They laughed, and I almost threw up.

  “I’ll be in there long before the police get here Mellie.”

  When I realized that I recognized the voice, I really did throw up. And then I grabbed the biggest butcher knife from my kitchen. I didn’t hide. I wanted to know why he was here, why he was trying to break into my apartment. I wasn’t only scared, I was pissed. He hurt me once, and I let it go. Now he was trying to hurt me again.

  “What do you want Collin,” I yelled, and I tried to steady my shaking voice. I didn’t want him knowing I was terrified. I still had the phone up to my ear, but the dispatcher hadn’t picked up yet. I closed my eyes and prayed that they would soon. I didn’t know long my old door would stand up to Collin.

  “I just want to talk to you Mellie. I want to know why you think you’re so much better than I am. Why you won’t even give me the light of day. I thought we had a good thing going, and then you had to fuck it all up.”

  I heard the lock to the doorknob click, and I knew that he must have unlocked it somehow. Thankfully the deadbolt was still locked, but he was working on that too.

  “911, what is your emergency?” I heard a female voice come over the phone, and I felt myself breathe out a sigh of relief. It wasn’t over yet; Collin was still alternating between working on the deadbolt and shoving the door with what sounded like his entire body.

  “Yes, hi,” I said, trying to keep my voice calm, but I knew it was useless. I was freaking the fuck out. “There’s someone trying to break into my apartment. Please, please send someone.”

  “Alright ma’am, can you tell me what your name is?” I told her. “And where do you live?” I racked my brain to try and come up with my address. I knew it, of course, but the stress of the situation had overwhelmed my brain and the numbers were just all mixed up in my head.

  “Um, it’s 4429 Barrington, in Brentwood,” I said, my heart beating a mile a minute. “Wait, no, it’s 4249 Barrington. I live above the Olive Sweet café, at the corner of Barrington and Stewart.”

  “Okay ma’am, I have your location and someone is on their way. Can you stay on the phone with me until they get there?” I whispered in response. “Is there somewhere else in the apartment that you can lock yourself?”

  “My bathroom,” I said, really to only myself, but my feet wouldn’t move. I was still standing in the kitchen, my phone in one hand and the butcher knife in the other, staring at the door.

  “Okay Melanie, go into the bathroom and lock the door. Stay on the phone with me.” I was starting to hyperventilate and my feet felt like lead, but I somehow was able to move from the kitchen to the living room, and from the living room into my bedroom. I was almost at the bathroom door when I heard Collin unlock the deadbolt.

  “Oh god,” I whispered. “He’s inside.” I didn’t wait for the dispatcher to respond, just launched myself into the bathroom and locked the handle. It wasn’t much; the door was old and you could technically pick the lock with just a knife, but I had nowhere else to go. Suddenly my studio apartment, which I once loved and felt so safe in, was stifling and small. It felt like it was closing in on me, and I couldn’t breathe.

  “Mellie,” I heard Collin call out. I could tell he was still in the front part of the apartment, but it wouldn’t take him long to figure out where I was. I should have hidden in a kitchen cabinet or something.

  “Are you still there Ms. Devlin?” the dispatcher said.

  “I am,” I whispered, though I knew it didn’t matter if Collin could hear me or not. It was just a matter of seconds before he would be in my bedroom, and then in the bathroom.

  “Okay Melanie, officers are only four minutes away, keep holding on for now. Just listen to my voice.”

  I was trying to listen to her voice, I really was.

  But it didn’t matter. I let out a bloodcurdling scream when I heard the bathroom door unlock, as easily as if he had just turned the handle. The café was closed, and my nearest neighbor was nearly two blocks away. Nobody was going to hear me.

  I was on the floor. I didn’t know how I’d gotten there, but I found myself looking up into Collin’s face. He’d been drinking; his normally impeccable suit was dirty, and his shirt unbuttoned at the top. His tie was loosened, and I could see a light five o’clock shadow across his face.

  “There you are Mellie,” he said, smiling. I scrambled back on the floor, crawling instinctively to get away from him, but he was in front of me with just a few strides.

  In my haste to get away from him, I had dropped both the knife and the phone. He glanced at both of them, and then turned to smirk at me.

  “You think you’re going to save yourself, are you? Where’s your Prince Charming?” he spat out. I was dangerously close to passing out from hyperventilating, so I closed my eyes, willing myself to slow my breathing.

  “What do you want Collin?” I whispered. I wanted to sound confident, unaffected, but it was pointless. It didn’t matter what he wanted; I knew what he was going to do to me. He had that look in his eye, one that I’d seen once or twice before, in Daniel.

  “I want you, of course,” he said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. “Stand up.”

  I ignored him, and turned my face away so I wasn’t looking at him. If I was smart, I would do what he said. I even tried to tell my body to listen, to just do it, but I couldn’t. I needed to resist, to show him that he could just have whatever he wanted.

  I felt a sharp pain at the base of my skull, and suddenly I was on my knees. He was dragging me by my hair. I pulled instinctively, and a white hot pain hit me directly in the face. He’d smacked me, hard.

  “You think you’re too good for me Mellie Devlin. You leave me looking like an idiot at one of the nicest restaurants in Los Angeles, in front of one of my oldest friends. I was humiliated; I couldn’t come out of my house for a week. But all you are is a gold-digging whore. I saw your pictures all over the internet. I wasn’t good enough for you; I’m just an accountant, not some fucking pussy with a Mercedes. Look at me.”

  I felt tears stinging my cheeks, but I refused to look at him. He jerked my face up, my hair still in his hand. His other hand snaked up around my neck, and yanked back. I felt my grandmother’s pearl necklace snap around my neck, the individual pearls falling to the bathroom floor.

  “You’re pathetic,” I literally spat at him. He wiped his cheek, and then smiled at me. He hit me again, this time with the back of his hand. I felt a warmth spread from my lip, and I knew I was bleeding.

  “I’m not pathetic,” he said, laughing. “I’m fucking pissed because some slut thinks she can just walk all over me and get away with it.”

  “I walked out on yo
u in that restaurant because I don’t do assholes,” I said, staring at him straight in the eye this time.

  He wasn’t laughing anymore, just looking at me with what I could only describe as…hunger. It was terrifying.

  “Behind every great asshole is a bitch that did something to piss them off.”

  And then he kicked me. I couldn’t breathe; the air was knocked out of me, literally. He’d kicked me right in my stomach, and I swear I felt it burst inside of me. I struggled to bring air into my lungs, but my body resisted. I tingled, all over, and not in the good way. I felt myself struggling between breathing and vomiting, again.

  I was going to die. I knew that the police should be there any minute now, but I knew I was going to die. Collin wasn’t going to let this go. He was the one who had hurt me, but he was turning it on me. He was turning his own insecurities into my fault, when all I’d wanted was to be loved by someone who would actually appreciate me. All Collin wanted was a pretty trophy on his arm, and someone to give him a blow job every once in a while.

  I felt another blow to my ribs. He wasn’t holding my hair anymore, just let me crumple to the floor. I was on the verge of passing out, and part of me wanted to just let go, but I couldn’t. I needed to fight it, to let him know that he wouldn’t win, so I tried to stand up, using the edge of the tub to brace myself.

  “You’re a coward Collin. I’m not better than you. Or I wasn’t. All I wanted was someone to love me, but you’re incapable of love.”

  The last thing I remember before blacking out was another hit to the jaw, and that same bathtub coming perilously close to my face.

  Chapter 30

  My head hurt like hell. I felt like there was a jackhammer and rock concert living inside my brain at the same time. It was so loud, all I could see was a bright white light, which made my head hurt even more. I swear my skull was about to shatter into a thousand pieces, and then all those pieces would spontaneously combust.