“Ya, thank Gott for that. I was mupsich to do that.”
“Nee, you were being badgered. The bishop is out of town, but I’m going to follow you to the deacon’s. We’ll tell him what happened.”
“Any chance Hershberger can be made to leave tonight?”
“Don’t know.” Eli waited for Abram to jump out of his buggy, and then followed him to the deacon’s house. As he drove, he kept an eye out for any sign of the Hershbergers. At the deacon’s, he reported what had happened.
“Well, I wish you hadn’t been pushed to the point where you felt you had to abuse a wall. But much better that wall than your family.”
Abram nodded, feeling tired and ashamed. “Deacon, I was stupid. I saw him and nearly came right here before I remembered. Then I went to Daed’s. Hershberger kept hassling me and I nearly lost it on him. I did take it out on Daed’s barn wall.” He showed the deacon his bruised, swollen and wrapped-up hand.
“Denki for telling me. This isn’t gut, your blowup. I urge you to call your counselor right away and let him know what happened.”
“Ya, I will.” And Abram had every intention of doing so. But, when he came home to his daed’s house, he found pandemonium. “What’s going on?” The monster in Abram’s soul twisted uneasily.
“Hannah was outside, getting some fresh air and a break. She was looking for you after your daed told her what happened. Hershberger came roaring down the road in his buggy, stopped and started bothering her about when you hit her. She tried to tell him to let her be, but he kept at it. Every time she tried to run into the house, he’d cut her off with his buggy. That man has seriously lost it!” Martha was shaking as she tried to calm a crying, trembling Hannah.
Abram sighed. He tried to push back the angry words. But they flew out of his mouth, almost unbidden. “Hannah, how could you be so mupsich? Here, I’ve been trying to protect you and Eleanor, moving us here and there as we work to avoid that crazy man. It makes me think you want to be hit!” Here, Abram lost all control over his actions and approached his wife at a run. One fist was raised in the air as Hannah screamed.
Seeing his own son rush toward Hannah, about to hit her, propelled Isaac into action. Jumping into Abram’s path, he grabbed his son’s arms with both of his hands and held on. Feeling the unusual strength in Abram’s body, he braced his feet and legs. “Martha, get her upstairs! Now!”
Martha obeyed, grabbing the whimpering baby and sobbing Hannah, and then rushing upstairs with them. Hurrying toward the farthest bedroom, she whispered to Hannah to lock herself and Eleanor in, and then ran back downstairs. She saw Isaac struggling to hold Abram back from the stairs. Hurrying to his side, she put her hand on Abram’s bearded cheeks and turned his face to her. “Son. Listen to me! Is this worth it? Do you want to lose them? Because, that’s exactly what’s about to happen! And, if you keep acting like this, I won’t do anything to stop it. And I don’t think your daed will, either.”
Isaac sighed as he felt the tension drain out of Abram. Still, he held onto his son, not wanting him to run upstairs to hurt his daughter-in-law and granddaughter. “Are you going to sit and listen to reason?”
Abram bowed his head. “Ya, I am. I don’t want to lose them.” His voice was low and completely dispirited. Trudging to the sofa, he landed heavily on it. His eyes closed as he leaned his head back, knocking his straw hat off his head. “Please forgive me.” He began to sob. “Daed, I don’t know how to stop that man’s evil! He’s doing this on purpose, trying to make me lose control and that’s just what I did.”
“Ya, you did. Do you have your counselor’s number? I’ll call him for you.”
Abram dug into the pocket of his black pants and pulled the card out of his wallet.
Isaac took the card and hurried outside to make the call. After a few minutes, he came in. “He’s on his way and should be here within the hour. Meantime, you’re staying right in here. Hannah and Eleanor are staying upstairs until we are gut sure that you won’t go after her again.
Abram, feeling like a complete loser, nodded.
Martha stood. “Abram, if I go into the kitchen for iced tea, will you stay on that sofa?”
‘Ya, I will, Mamm. And denki for helping.” As Abram spoke, he realized he didn’t feel what he had come to term as “the monster” lurking beneath the surface of his personality. “Daed? Whatever made me lose it a few minutes ago is gone. Or at least it’s not trying to get out of me.”
This was the first time Abram had ever mentioned an internal entity fueling his rage fits at Hannah. Isaac cocked his head and sat next to Abram as Martha came in, bearing a tray with three glasses of iced tea. “Tell me about this thing.”
“What thing?” Martha was curious.
“I don’t know. Abram said that something inside him made him lose his temper today.”
“Son, hold onto that. I’m taking some tea to Hannah. I don’t want her downstairs until your counselor says it’s okay.”
Abram nodded, feeling exhausted and grateful. Taking a long gulp from the sweet tea, he waited for his mama to come back downstairs.
Martha hurried back into the living room. Patting her neat hair, she sat next to Abram and grabbed her tea. “Now, what is this ‘thing’ you’re talking about?”
Abram was sure he was onto something important. “I’ve been feeling something inside me whenever I’m about to lose it. Not something physical, it’s more like something in my...my mentality that forces itself out. I don’t want it to win. I try hard to keep it from coming out because I don’t want to hurt anyone. Only today, it—”
“Nearly won. Son, were you going to hit Hannah?”
Abram knew he couldn’t lie. “Ya, I was. Only... I think, instead of wanting to hit her, I wanted to hit Hershberger. She was the one in the room, the one who had come into contact with him.”
“But we were in the room, too, Abram. Did you want to hit us?” Martha was not going to let Abram avoid his responsibility.
“Nee. I wanted to scare you. I wanted to scare you bad, Mamm. So that you would stay away from me and let me do what that monster in me wanted to do.”
“Okay, I think we have something to discuss with your counselor. And he should be here soon.”
Shortly after, the counselor arrived. “Hello! I hear we had a bit of an incident here. Abram, I want you to tell me everything. He accepted the welcomed glass of iced tea—the humidity outdoors was building.
Abram repeated everything that had happened. As he did, his parents nodded or interjected with something Abram hadn’t mentioned. “And Joshua, today was the first time that I couldn’t hold my monster back.”
“The monster. I’ve heard tell of him in many incarnations: monster, thing, runaway buggy, you name it. Tell me about your monster.” A skilled counselor, Joshua knew to give Abram the freedom he needed to unload what was happening to him.
“My monster lives inside my spirit. He only comes out when too many events have happened too soon together. He...made me want to hit Hannah today. I very nearly did, and would have, had my daed not been holding me back.”
Chapter 6
Joshua sat back, knowing that Abram had had a major breakthrough. “Tell me more.”
Abram sighed. “I know that if Hershberger had been in this room, I would have struck him. Because he wasn’t, I raged at and went after my wife. Hannah. He found me when I was on my way back to the deacon’s after finishing work. Today was...frustrating, but I was dealing with it. Using the skills you taught me. Then, he came after me and tried to make me go after him. He called me a wife abuser and said it wasn’t fair I got to stay as a member, but he and his wife had to leave. I very nearly forgot about not leading him to the deacon’s. When I remembered, I could only think to come here. And thank Gott, I did. Because, if I hadn’t, I would have hurt Hannah. And I...I don’t want to do that.”
Joshua nodded. “How’s your monster now? What is he doing or telling you?” Joshua was busy scribbling notes into his legal p
ad.
“He’s quiet. He’s satisfied because he made me blow up.”
“Ya, I see what you mean. Abram, just be careful that you don’t shift too much responsibility from you onto your monster. You still have to take responsibility for your actions, no matter what the cause of your anger.”
Abram heard the message Joshua was giving and nodded. “Ya, I’ll be careful. If I hadn’t been so upset from my encounter with Hershberger, I would have had better control.”
Abram’s parents heard Joshua’s caveat as well and vowed they would make sure that Abram always took responsibility for his actions.
“Also, let’s go over the beginnings of an emotion. When I say, ‘You made me mad,’ what I’m actually saying is, ‘I choose to be mad at whatever you’ve done.’ You see, we choose how to respond to something that’s happening.”
“So, Hershberger didn’t ‘make’ me mad, even though he was doing his level best?”
“Ya. You ‘chose’ to respond with frustration and anger. I know, you and your monster needed to release that. But that’s what the exercises and the pillow are for. So you can release them in an appropriate manner. See, you can choose, as long as you have some hold over your temper, to hang onto your responses until such a time as it’s safe to acknowledge how you’re feeling and respond in a way that we’ve agreed is safe.”
Abram nodded, feeling some excitement. “So, does it work that way with other emotions? Like sadness?”
“Ya. Any emotion.”
“I’m putting this into my notebook. Oh. It’s at the deacon’s.”
“Here, write it on this.” Joshua ripped a page out of his pad and gave his pen to Abram, who wrote down everything he’d just learned.
“Now, where is Hannah?”
“Upstairs, with Eleanor. Mamm wouldn’t let me be around her while I was still so angry.”
“If you are calm and can apologize to her, she should come down.”
“I’ll get her.” Martha hurried upstairs.
Hannah came down cautiously. Her face was still tearstained and her eyes red. She had chosen to leave the baby upstairs in a makeshift bed, surrounded by pillows. “Abram, are you calm now?”
“Ya. And I’m sorry for what I did. I need to tell you something I learned today. Come, please.” Abram urged Hannah to sit with the rest of the people gathered in the living room. After Hannah had settled herself on the armchair, he continued. “I began to realize a few weeks back that there’s something in my temperament that comes out...wait...that makes me blow up when things happen. Wait.” Abram closed his eyes, wanting to get it right. “That monster pushes me to blow up and I choose to let him succeed. Like today, when Hershberger encountered me on my way home. I very nearly went to the deacon’s and betrayed our hiding spot. He was yelling about me being able to stay here while he and his wife have to leave again. It was already a frustrating day for me, and I was working on my frustration and anger when he began to needle me. I’m...I’m sorry, Hannah. What I did was wrong and I know I need to work again to regain your trust.”
“Ya. You do. I don’t want to be exposed to that and I certainly don’t want Eleanor exposed to it either. I am thinking of staying with my mamm and daed for a few days. Until I know you truly have control again.”
Abram was stunned. This Hannah was new and strong. Wait, she wasn’t new, she was the old Hannah he’d dated. He knew she was right. Reluctantly, he nodded. “Ya. I know. I don’t like it, but I do understand. I hope you’ll only be away for a few days, because I will miss you something terrible.”
Joshua had been watching the interaction between Hannah and Abram. He sensed that Abram’s responses were honest and from the gut. “Hannah, I agree. But I have to tell you, I believe he’s being very honest here. Take your time at your parents’ house, because two lives depend on that.”
“I will. Do you agree with Abram about this...monster he mentioned?”
“Ya. I’ve heard it referenced by other terms. It means he’s recognizing the lack of control and the urge to strike something or someone. He also knows that he needs to accept responsibility for choosing to respond with anger or violence.”
Hannah looked silently at Abram. She loved him, but she was getting tired of all of the drama. “Husband, you’ve made a lot of progress. I’m glad, because I’m getting really tired of the anger, and I hope you’re able to begin controlling it better. Soon.”
Abram heard and understood the message that Hannah was sending. For a few seconds, he thought his monster would respond. As he checked his emotional responses, he decided he must have been mistaken.
Shortly before Joshua left to go back to the counseling center, the deacon came over to Isaac and Martha’s home. “I needed to stop and give you a report. I, along with the two remaining elders, made it crystal-clear that Ben Hershberger and his wife must leave tonight. I persuaded his wife to leave the house and barn keys with me so their children can get in, pack everything and ready the house for sale. I also have their oldest son’s name and will be calling. The elders are supervising as they pack their wagon and buggy with the items they need day-to-day. They should be gone before sunset.”
“Thank Gott! And thank you. What will be done to make sure that they actually leave town once they’ve packed their necessities?”
“We’ll be following them out of town. I gave them a list of Amish communities—but before I did so, I alerted the elders of those communities about what Ben has been doing.”
Isaac’s reaction was a short bark of laughter. “They may have to leave this part of the country to find an accommodating Amish community.”
“And I pity the poor elders and people of the community where they choose to settle!” Martha shook her head.
Abram, seeing his parents talking with the deacon, came over to them. “You pity who, Mamm? And why?”
“The Hershbergers were made to give their house and barn keys to the elders, who are supervising as they pack their necessities. Then, they’ll be escorted out of the community. I was telling Deacon King that I pity the elders and members of the community where they decide to settle.”
Abram’s smile was slight. “That man has a scary ability to zero in on the weaknesses of others. He sure found mine.”
“Nee, son. All he would have had to do was listen. He lacks insight, or he wouldn’t act like this.” The deacon slapped his hat on his head. “I’d better go so I can make sure that they do leave.”
That night, lying in bed alone, he thought about how much his missed Hannah and even the sounds Eleanor made as she slept. Hopefully, the Hershbergers are gone for gut. I’m less likely to blow up now. I just have to continue working and learning, so that, one day soon, I won’t have to worry about this monster temper. What Abram didn’t realize was that his “monster” was still within him. He also had a long road to travel before he could say he’d beaten the monster.
SEVERAL DAYS AFTER the Hershbergers left, Abram came home. He was vaguely dissatisfied, having not gotten a commitment from one of his customers. As he groomed his horses, he went over the conversation in his mind. You really need to be more attentive to the needs of your horses. Ya, they’re equipment as such. But they are living beings and if you don’t take care of issues with their feet and hooves, they run the risk of developing infections. When you notice them limping or if they’ve thrown a shoe, call me. I’ll take care of them.
“Ya, I will. But, if I don’t have enough money, it’ll have to wait.”
“Nee, Jacob. Set money aside every week so you can take care of unexpected expenses and emergencies. Would you let an infection in your tooth go on until you had the money to pay the dentist?”
“Well...nee, but sometimes my wife decides we have to buy something for the house.”
“Make it clear to her that the two of you have to budget for your livestock every week before she buys anything for the house or for herself.”
Abram was uncomfortably aware that Jacob wouldn’t do what he s
aid. As much as he cared for horses, this rankled him. Tossing his toolbox down harder than necessary, he sighed and began pacing. After having done several rounds, he realized that his monster wasn’t subsiding. And Hannah had just come home with the baby a few days before. He decided to tell her that he would be going to his parents’ for a few hours until his anger receded. “Hannah, something happened today and I’m having trouble with my temper. I’m going—”
Hannah reacted. “Oh, no! We’re going, then.” She began to hurry upstairs to pack necessities for her and Eleanor.
Abram, now angry and uncaring whether he controlled his reactions, grabbed Hannah’s upper arm, hard. “Nee! I’m the husband. I decide whether you go or stay! You’re staying! And I’m going to my parents’!”
“Abram! Stop!” Hannah struggled, trying to pull her arm out of Abram’s strong grasp.
Abram was angered by Hannah’s continued struggling. Gripping her arm with one hand, he slapped her with the other. As she continued to struggle even more, he continued to hit her, mindless of the baby’s frightened cries. Instead, he only saw through a filmy, red haze. Soon, his arm was exhausted and Hannah was nearly limp in his hand. Recovering himself, he looked at her and gasped. “Hannah! I’m so sorry!” He heard the baby’s frightened and enraged cries and didn’t know what to do. He dropped Hannah’s arm and ran. Hitching the horses to his buggy, he hightailed it to his parents’, sobbing all the way. “Mamm, Daed, I-I’ve done it now. I was upset when I got home and my walking and mental exercises were doing nothing. I decided to come here until I calmed down. I went to tell Hannah, and she said she was going to pack things for her and Eleanor. I got angry at her and...”
“Husband, I’ll go and see what she needs. You take care of Abram.”
“We’ll be going to the Yoder’s. If you need to take her to the doctor, that’s where we’ll be.”
Martha ran to the barn and quickly hitched her horses to the buggy. Hurrying, she got to Abram and Hannah’s in record time. Rushing inside, she saw Hannah, standing at the kitchen sink, washing a dishtowel out in cold water. “Oh, child! I’m so sorry! He’s at our house and Isaac is taking him to the Yoder’s. Let me see what we have here...” Gently, Martha moved Hannah’s head, making note of the bruises and cuts on the younger woman’s face. “Okay, where is Eleanor?”
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