“Cradle. I nursed her after he left. I think she’s still upset.”
Martha hurried over to the cradle and, seeing Eleanor still whimpering, she sighed and lifted the baby into her arms. “Oh, boppli. You go with your mother while I take care of her injuries.” Martha gently set the baby into Hannah’s arms. “Your arms are okay? Not hurt?”
“Just my left upper arm is bruised. Where he grabbed and held me.”
“I’m going to take care of your face. I hope we won’t have to go to the hospital. Because—”
“They’ll report this.”
Linda came rushing in. “Take her to the hospital, Martha. This may be what Abram needs to shock him into realizing he has to control his temper.”
“Linda!”
“Martha, sometimes a shock is the best thing for someone who can’t control his temper. Let’s go. Hannah, we’ll take care of Eleanor while you’re being treated. Do you want to go with your parents?”
“I don’t want him arrested! He tried to tell me that he was going to go to his parents’. I told him I wanted to go with the baby to my parents. And he lost control! It was—”
“Nee, child, it wasn’t your fault. I’m going to have Leora, my daughter-in-law, talk to you tomorrow. She witnessed this first-hand with her daed.”
IN THE URGENT CARE treatment room, the doctor treated Hannah’s cuts and prescribed ice packs and ibuprofen for the pain and swelling. “Mrs. Beiler, I suspect how this happened. But I need you to confirm it for me. Did your husband abuse you?”
Hannah sighed, looking at Linda and Martha. She didn’t want to do this. “Y-yes. He did. He tried to tell me that...that he would go to his parents so he could calm down. But I insisted on going to my own parents with the baby. That’s when he got so mad.”
“I have to report this. You know that, right?”
Hannah sobbed, trying not to grimace and open the cut on her lower lip. “Ya. I do.” She decided she would do whatever it took to make sure that Abram didn’t have to spend time in jail.
AT HOME, SHE PACKED several days’ worth of clothing for herself and the baby, and then went with Linda to her parents’ house.
“He beat her pretty badly. The doctor at the urgent care center reported it to Englisch law enforcement. So, I expect they are at their house or at Abram’s parents, picking him up.”
“Daughter, what happened?” Ruth’s voice was a cry, which roused the sleeping baby.
Hannah began to rock her wailing daughter. “Let me take care of her. She’s hungry and probably wet.” As she changed the baby in a first-floor bedroom, she struggled with tears. Undoing the top of her dress, she began to nurse the restless, hungry baby. As she looked at the baby’s large, innocent eyes, she felt calmer. “We’ll go talk to the bishop or the deacon about this. He knew he was losing control and he tried to tell me that.” Hannah made the mistake that so many other abused women made—she tried to take the blame for her husband’s actions.
Chapter 7
The next day, Hannah opened the front door of her parents’ home. Seeing Deacon King and Eli Yoder, she let them in.
“Hannah, he’s in jail right now, and the jail personnel are saying he’s staying there until he goes to court. It’s likely he’ll be put into what’s called a ‘diversion program,’ where domestic abusers are required to receive intensive, at-home treatment. If he completes this program, all charges are removed from his record, which basically makes it look like he’s never been charged with anything. Do you want this for him?”
Hannah thought. “Does he have to stay in jail? Or can he come home?”
“They won’t let him go until someone pays some money to ensure that he’ll appear in court when he’s ordered to do so. That could be today.”
“And, if he does everything the judge says he has to do, he won’t have these charges on his record?”
“Ya, as long as he doesn’t do anything like this again. Ever.”
She sighed. “How much money?”
“One thousand dollars. Because this is the first offense that the sheriff knows of.”
Hannah grimaced. “I have to talk to him about this.”
“That’s what I thought you’d say.” Eli turned to Hannah’s mamm. “Mrs. Zook, if you’ll take care of the baby, we’ll take Hannah with us to pay the bail.”
“Only if it’s understood that, once he’s out, she and Eleanor stay here until he knows the magnitude of what he did.” Big Sam’s voice was a virtual growl.
“Ya, we agree with that.”
“Gut. Coffee?”
“Ya, denki.” The conversation around the Zook’s table was quiet as everyone worried about Abram behind bars and the risk to Hannah and Eleanor.
“Hannah, Abram needs to understand that last night’s beating had a definite effect on Eleanor. She heard everything, even if she didn’t see it.”
“She sees my face. I’m not happy with him right now. I would rather stay here for several days until I am over my own anger at him. But I don’t want him in jail!”
The three left after Hannah helped her mamm with dishes and cleaning the kitchen. Riding with the deacon and Eli Yoder, Hannah was careful to keep her face downcast because of the cuts and bruises she had suffered in the beating.
IN THE JAIL, HANNAH discussed the bail amount with Abram. “I don’t want you here. This is a big amount of money, so I wanted to discuss it with you to get you out of here. It’s the only way you’ll get out before the trial or hearing or whatever it’s called.”
Abram forced himself to look at what he’d done to his beloved wife. He wanted to vomit at the sight of what he’d done. Sighing and swallowing heavily, he nodded. “Ya, go and get the money and get me out, please.”
“I will. Just so you understand, I will be at my parents’ with Eleanor. I do not like what you did to me last night. And you need to know that even though Eleanor didn’t see you hitting me, she heard everything. It affected her as well. You stay at our house or at your parents’. I don’t care. But you will never ever do this to me again. Do you understand?”
Abram nodded, feeling as small as Hannah intended for him to feel. “I do, ya. I am so sorry! I should have just gone to my parents’ without even trying to talk to you last night.”
Hannah resisted telling Abram that she was at fault. Eli had helped her to understand the mistake she was making. “Ya. We have to do something about that. A signal or something.”
“Ya. I’ll think of something. And, Hannah? Denki. Please forgive me.”
Hannah sighed, feeling the pain of her bruises and cuts catching up to her. She also felt the pain of Abram’s broken promise weighing down on her. “I forgive you. But I will never forget.” She stood and left.
Abram, seeing his wife’s straight back as she left the visitation room, dropped his head on the counter in front of him. Gott, please help me! I can’t control it by myself. I have some coping skills, but last night, they weren’t enough.
Late that morning, Abram finally walked out of the jail a free man. He knew he’d have to appear in court and spend precious money on an attorney to represent him.
AT HOME, HE CLEANED up the mess from the night before. He put chairs back where they belonged and, as he cleaned up the bloodstains on the floor, he sobbed. Hearing the door open, he looked up. Seeing Hannah’s injured face, he cried even more heavily.
“I’m here to get more things for Eleanor. I’ll be at my parents’ for at least a week, probably two.”
“I understand.” Sighing heavily, Abram regained control of his sobs, though tears continued to roll down his cheeks. “I have to work more with my counselor and our peer counselors. Report to the sheriff when he comes out here. Then, I have to be in court at the end of this week.”
Hannah wanted to apologize. Remembering what he’d done to her, she resisted. “Let me know when we have to work with our peer counselors. I’ll be there. I won’t be at Sunday services this week.” She indicated her battered face.
“Ya. Oh, I have to meet with Leora Yoder today. I’ll be doing so after we both finish work.”
“She’s Wayne Lapp’s daughter, ya?”
“Ya. She witnessed his abuse of Lizzie Lapp—her mamm and his wife.”
“Please do something for me? Would you let her know that, if she can, you’d like to meet with her more than once? I think I need to learn from her.”
Hannah paused, stunned. Shaking herself slowly, she nodded. “Ya, I will.” Then, she was gone.
Before Abram could relax, someone knocked on the door. Seeing the bishop and deacon, he grimaced. “I hope...”
“Nee. This isn’t anything to do with being banned. I understand you just got out of jail?” Bishop Kurtz walked into the house, followed by the deacon.
“Ya. Hannah was kind enough to pay the bail money.”
“We think it’s a gut idea for you to meet and talk with Wayne Lapp. He’s agreed to help you out.”
“Ya, Hannah’s seeing Leora today and I asked her to see if Leora would be willing to work with us together. I’m willing to do everything it takes to beat this. I can’t do this to them again!” Once again, Abram began to cry. “Seeing...her face...all bloodied made me...realize that I don’t have...control after all.” He dropped his face into his hands.
The bishop placed a large hand on Abram’s shoulder. “Son, have you asked forgiveness?”
“Ya. And she forgave me. But she is so angry with me, as she has every right to be. I exposed Eleanor to this nastiness!”
THAT AFTERNOON, ABRAM, Eli and Deacon King met at the deacon’s house. Abram paced nervously as he drank lemonade. He was nervous about meeting Wayne Lapp. From what he’d witnessed and heard, the man had some real issues. At a knock on the door, he started, nearly spilling his lemonade.
“Abram? I’m Wayne Lapp. I understand you had a bad time of it last night.”
Abram shook Wayne’s hand. Looking into the older man’s kind brown eyes, he relaxed incrementally. “Ya, but I gave Hannah a worse time. And our little girl.”
Wayne grimaced. “Ya, I know about that as well. Let’s sit.”
“Coffee, Wayne?”
“Nee, it’s too hot. Lemonade, if you have it.” Sitting, he faced Abram. “Son, you’re in for a tough time. Jail is no fun and court is less so. I strongly advise you to do everything they tell you. With all your soul, heart and mind. Are you in counseling?”
“Ya. I see Joshua, from the Amish-Mennonite center. He comes to our house. And I work with Eli and Linda Yoder.”
“My daughter is with Hannah and Eleanor right now. She’s telling Hannah exactly what I did to her mamm and her. It wasn’t pretty. You see, I suffer from PTSD. I witnessed my own daed abusing my mamm and my sisters. He also abused us, sometimes physically, sometimes emotionally. I carried that into my own marriage and relationships with our kinder. Abram, you need to do everything you can to get control of this so your daughter isn’t scarred. She’s a baby still, so she has a chance of not being affected. As long as last night was the only episode that happens.”
“Wayne, what led up to you abusing your wife, if I can ask?”
“Ya, you can. If my experiences and actions help you, then I have done a little bit to make up for what I did to them, to Lizzie. What is Hannah telling you now?”
“She’s forgiven me.” Abram looked outside and allowed his gaze to sweep over the pasture in back of the deacon’s property. He allowed the scene to help him calm down. “But she is angry and staying with her parents for a week, maybe two.”
“Tell me about your childhood experiences. Did your daed abuse your mamm?”
“Nee. They sent me to spend the summer with my uncle, who farms. I was interested in farming at that time. While I was there, I witnessed several abusive episodes. He would get all tensed up and just blow up at my auntie and my female cousins for what felt like nothing at all. I got confused and thought that was how husbands and fathers were supposed to act. Then, when I got home, I got even more confused.”
Then Abram revealed something he’d never spoken of to anyone else before. “I tried to talk to my uncle about the differences between how he treated his family and how my own daed treated us. He took me to the farthest field away from his house. There, he beat me for questioning his leadership role. He did knock my head, and I was unconscious for several minutes. When I woke back up, he was dragging me back to the farm. From then on, I stayed as far away from him as I could. I never questioned his actions again. And I never went back there to stay even one night.”
Eli spoke up. “I wonder if he hit you hard enough to give you a concussion.”
“I don’t know...maybe. All I know is that after that, I found that it was harder for me to keep control over my temper in certain situations. I had to struggle, to force myself to stay calm.
“Then, I met Hannah Zook. I thought she was the most beautiful girl I’d ever seen. Her spirit loves Gott. She is so intelligent and so independent. And I fell in love with her for those qualities. After we got married, I told her that I would make all the major decisions, and she was able to make decisions about the house. We would share decisions about our kinder. Then, nearly a year ago, we had to go to an obstetric specialist in Philadelphia. She tried to remind me that we would have to be up extra early so we could leave and make our appointment on time. My...I call it my ‘monster’...came out and I got so mad at Hannah. I hit her once on each cheek with my hand. That’s how the community learned about how I’ve been treating her. She wanted to stay home from the community meeting because of the bruise on her face. I made her go to service and the women of the community—as well as a few of the men—saw what I did to her. That’s when we started working with the Yoders. And that’s how I started working with Joshua. This reminds me, I need to call him.”
“There’s time after we finish here. I’m beginning to see that you have enough awareness of your emotional reactions and your temper—your ‘monster’—that you should be able to stop these actions. Sooner rather than later, hopefully. Have you ever told anyone about your uncle striking you until you lost consciousness?”
“Nee. This is the first time.”
“Eli, you think it could have had an effect on his ability to control himself?”
“I don’t know. I do know, Abram, that you need to tell Joshua about that event. Today.”
Wayne began to tell Abram what had happened to him and what he did to Lizzie, Leora and his other kinder. “I put them through a terrible time. I didn’t want Lizzie, or Leora, to work outside the home. I thought that my earnings should be the only ones supporting us. Then, I had a bad accident with my router saw. Nearly sliced my arm off.” Here, he showed Abram the deep scars still evident on his forearm. “I was in the hospital for weeks. The other carpenters filled my orders for me so we wouldn’t lose the house or my equipment. Lizzie went back to work in the quilt store. Leora kept working there, and they both still work there today. It took me a long time to accept that just because they worked outside the home, it didn’t make me less of a man. In fact, it makes me more of a man to be able to accept that they can work outside the home. You ever heard of ‘sexism?’
“Nee, what’s that?”
“The mistaken belief that our women are less than we are. Less capable. Less able to earn. Have fewer rights than we do. I believed that if they worked outside the home, they were diminishing me. Instead, it’s the other way around. If we are strong enough inside ourselves, inside our self-esteem, that our wives and daughters work outside the home or make decisions with or without us, we are still the heads of our homes.”
Abram shifted. “And see, that’s where I have a hard time, because of what my uncle taught me. I
n my head, I know he’s wrong. But in my emotions, I believe...nee, I’m afraid to challenge that.”
“You got out on bail, ya?”
Abram nodded.
“Did Hannah make the decision all by herself to get the money out or did she share the decision with you?”
“She shared it with me.”
Chapter 8
Abram and Wayne continued talking. Wayne detailed, in chilling words, how he set Lizzie, his wife, up for his abusive actions. “I stalked her, though she did nothing wrong. In my disordered thinking, I thought that if I could keep her off balance, she would say or do something that would betray her true intentions of leaving me. I thought her desire to work was because she wanted to leave me. So, I decided that I would control how she did so. By killing her and Leora.”
Abram shuddered. He remembered that horrible day only too well. He had seen the crazed look on Wayne’s face as he approached Lizzie, hands outstretched for her neck. “She didn’t want to leave, though. You’d been badly hurt. You couldn’t work for such a long time! And her ability to work in the quilting shop meant that your bills were paid.”
“Ya, but my PTSD and all of my childhood experiences had me convinced otherwise. Abram, I spent time in jail. And I was required to go to a mental health facility, where I finally faced my horrible memories...my demons, if you will. While it was difficult for me to face them and start to work on making them less horrific, my therapists and psychologists refused to let me avoid them. It took time, but eventually, I began to see just how my faulty beliefs were destroying my life and threatening Lizzie and Leora.”
Amish Love Be Kind 3-Book Boxed Set Page 14