by Wiley, John
“Nine.”
Rhys looks at his friend. “Really?”
“You said you were going to grab a CD from your apartment at 11 and you never came back. We tried to find you…but obviously we didn’t think to look in the moving truck.”
Rhys looks at the ground and sees the CD he went for lying on the floor of the truck. “No matter, no one there would have appreciated Britney anyway.”
Annie sends a text to Erick to tell him she found Rhys. “Not true,” she says as she puts her phone back in her pocket. “Liam was there.”
“Blue shirt Liam?” he asks, referring to the color shirt Liam always wears.
“He was asking about you.”
Rhys stares at her in horror. “Bitch, you better not be lying, cuz I got a booty call I gotta go make.”
Annie starts laughing as she hops out of the truck. “Come on. We’re already an hour behind schedule.”
“Unacceptable!” He chases her across the parking lot to her apartment. “If I can’t have a farewell hookup with the guy I never spoke to but always loved, you’re paying for my greasy hangover cure breakfast!”
***
The next morning, the moving truck with the words Mover and Groover painted on the sides pulls into the parking lot of an old diner from the 1950’s, that hasn’t seen many changes since it first opened. Erick and Annie get out of the truck and wait for Rhys to park his fancy blue sports car next to them.
“Where are we?” asks Rhys as he types on his phone. “I want to tell all of my followers what state we’re in.”
“All your followers?” asks Annie. “You mean both?”
“Both can be all.” He holds his phone in the air, trying to get reception.
“Can’t you just call your parents and tell them where we are?” asks Erick as he leads the way in the diner.
“No, we’re fighting,” says Rhys as he pushes the check-in button on his phone. “When I was little they promised me a pony when I graduated college; they thought I’d forget, but I didn’t. So I’m not speaking to them until they apologize and buy me that pony.”
Rhys @RhysHesPNutbutr 1m
Dear followers, we are in the Wild West. Hee Haw #ThingsTheySayInTheWildWest
“Oh my God, I always wanted a pony too!” squeals Annie. “They bought a pillow pet resembling a horse, but that’s all.”
“I had some My Little Ponies,” says Rhys. “But no real ponies.”
“So you came out when you were five?” asks Erick.
“Shut up! We’re in the Wild West, I have to act straight here!” snaps Rhys. “Hey beautiful,” he says in a deep voice, turning to the waitress. “Can I get a beer, please?”
“It’s 10 am,” says Annie.
“It’s never too early for a…ehm…beer, for us straight guys, eh?” says Rhys, punching Erick in the shoulder.
“Three chocolate milks, please,” says Annie. The waitress writes it down and walks away. “Seriously, Rhys?”
“I don’t want a gay bash!”
Annie laughs at his paranoia as she sends a text.
“We won’t let you get bashed,” says Erick. “We’re already a day behind schedule so we’re not going to waste any time letting others bash you. We’ll probably do it ourselves if you make us stop like that again.”
“I thought that was Paris Hilton filming season six of The Simple Life! I wanted to be her new sidekick!”
“Why did we have to stay there for three hours once you realized it wasn’t Paris? Or a reality show?” Erick asks.
Rhys shrugs and takes his chocolate milk from the waitress. “In case she showed up?”
“What? Just randomly?” Annie asks.
“You never know. Paris Hilton could appear at any place, any time. She usually doesn’t, but she could,” he says as he sends a tweet.
Rhys @RhysHesPNutbutr 1m
@ParisHilton stood in field for 3 hrs in hopes of u showing up to film new season of #TheSimpleLife. u weren't there, but I did see a llama
***
Tiffany grabs her purse and her keys, when her phone beeps from her back pocket. She pulls it out and reads it to herself and then laughs out loud.
“What?” asks Cheryl from the couch, where she’s sitting with her head on Joey’s chest.
“It’s from Annie. Apparently Rhys made them stop for three hours in hopes of Paris Hilton appearing to film a reality show.”
“She’s a socialite, not the great pumpkin!” sighs Joey. “Someone needs to talk to that boy.”
“As his former roommate and best friend, I think that’s your job,” says Cheryl.
“Nah, now he’s Erick’s responsibility.”
Tiffany sends a quick text back and then ties her long blonde hair in a quick bun. “See you guys after class!” she says as she runs out the door.
“Shit! Class!” Cheryl jumps up and runs upstairs to her bedroom.
“I’ll just be here…if anyone needs me…” says Joey to himself.
***
When nearing the Las Vegas City Limit Annie’s cell phone rings. “Hello?”
“Can we go to that casino?” asks Rhys.
“Erick doesn’t like to gamble,” she says as she puts her phone on speaker.
“My ass, he doesn’t gamble. His whole senior year was a gamble considering the amount of alcohol he drank.”
“Well, I’ve changed, and I really want to get to the apartment today. We can’t really afford another night in a hotel.”
“We can after we win big!” Rhys speeds past the moving truck and pulls into the casino parking lot.
“I have a bad feeling in my gut about this,” says Annie.
***
Joey sits on his couch flipping through the channels, his eyes half closed. “My life sucks,” he says in a singsong voice.
“Then do something about it,” says his brother from the front door.
“Jeremy! It’s about time!” Joey gets up and hugs his brother. Jeremy is a couple inches shorter than his brother and has jet black hair; something that led to many jokes about supposed adoption from Joey when they were younger. “It’s been so lonely here since Rhys left.”
“Two days ago?”
“He really kept life interesting. You have some massive shoes to fill.”
“Well, I’ll work on filling them later. For now I’m going to move my stuff in.”
“OK, I’ll be right down to help.” Jeremy goes outside to start bringing in boxes and Joey runs upstairs to Rhys’ old room to make sure there’s nothing left from the move. The room is bigger now that all of Rhys’ furniture is gone. He notices a red stain on the carpet by the bathroom – blood from that time they got a little drunk and played American Gladiators. They really should have tried to get that stain up, but no one ever expected them to get their security deposit back. Joey opens the blinds to let light into the room and turn to go back down stairs to help his brother. Midway down the stairs Joey’s phone chirps in his pocket. “Hello?”
“Hi, is this Joey Spencer?”
“Yes.”
“Hi, this is Madeline from the Art Institute. I was calling to see if you were still interested in the Art Instructor position that you had applied for.”
“Oh, yes, yes I am.”
“OK great, how would you like to come in for an interview on Wednesday at 10?”
“That sounds great, thank you.”
“OK, we’ll see you Wednesday at 10 AM. You can ask for me when you get here. Again, my name is Madeline.”
“Thanks!” He hangs up his phone and runs downstairs to help Jeremy move his stuff in. “My life doesn’t suck!” he sings on the way down.
***
The moving truck pulls out of the parking lot of the casino with Erick and Annie sitting in the cab, and Rhys squeezed in between them.
“I told you this was a bad – ” begins Annie.
Rhys shakes his head. “Nope. Not talking about it.”
“Sorry…” says Erick.
�
��Still not talking about it.”
Rhys @RhysHesPNutbutr 1m
#RIP car. Hope LA has nice sidewalks #NotTalkingAboutIt
***
The moving truck pulls into a parking space on the side of the road. Well, partially in a parking space; two tires are on the curb. “This place looks nice,” says Erick as he walks around the truck to Annie. “I have a feeling it’s going to be nicer than our apartment.”
“You should have actually came out here and looked at places instead of buying a place online without physically seeing it,” says Annie.
“We didn’t all get full ride scholarships to universities though.”
“That’d be hard, considering two of us aren’t going to school,” says Rhys. “It’s hard to get a scholarship for beer and rent when you aren’t in school.”
“Don’t worry Rhys,” says Annie. “One day, when you’re a famous actor, you’ll have so much money you won’t need a scholarship.”
“I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of free money though.”
Annie laughs at her friends and starts to walk away. “I’m going to go check in. Can you start unloading my boxes? I’ll be right back with the key.”
“Bitch better not be lying. I’m not moving all her shit for her,” says Rhys as he follows Erick to the back of the truck.
***
“Are you sure you’ll be OK alone?” asks Erick.
“Yeah…I’ll be fine,” says Annie. “My roommate is supposed to be here tomorrow, and plus it’s campus housing so it shouldn’t be that dangerous.”
“But it’s LA,” says Rhys. “Have you never seen a movie? People die here all the time! The only place more dangerous than a big city like LA is camping in the woods; be it in a tent or a cabin!” He looks a little pale. “I’m starting to rethink this….maybe we should move somewhere less dangerous like…I dunno…Iowa? The North Pole? YES! Let’s move to the North Pole, that place is definitely safe. Santa is like 700 years old and I hear it’s so safe there that he doesn’t even lock his doors at night. I’m going to start moving your stuff back in the truck!”
Annie chuckles and kisses Rhys goodbye on the cheek. “We’ll all be fine. Depending on traffic, I’m a thirty-minute drive if you ever want to visit. I’m sure you’ll make new friends in no time, though.”
Rhys smiles and kisses her cheek in kind. “I’m going to miss you when you get murdered, Fanny Pack.” He peeks his head out into the hallway, and once he’s sure that it’s safe, he leaves and walks back to the truck.
“I’m going to miss you, Annie,” says Erick.
“It’s like I told your friend…thirty minutes away. Plus, you already promised me breakfast every Sunday.” She hugs him tight. “You weren’t even this emotional saying bye to mom and dad.”
“They aren’t my twin! We’ve lived in the same building ever since we were conceived!”
“At least we’re in the same city!” She hugs him again and kisses his forehead. “Now go and unpack; it’s getting late; you don’t want to pay for an extra day on the truck.”
Erick kisses Annie on the cheek and leaves her to unpack.
***
The moving truck pulls into a parking lot for an indoor batting cage and pulls around to the back of the building. Once the truck is turned off, Rhys and Erick climb out and look at the building.
"Well, this is the place," says Erick, reading his MapQuest directions.
"It looked nicer online," says Rhys.
"I told you that we shouldn't have signed a lease before looking at it!"
"I feel like we just had this conversation with your sister."
"Yeah, but she has a good point. We could have stayed in a hotel while we looked for a place,” says Erick.
"And how would we pay for a hotel? I told my family I wouldn't become a prostitute."
"Really? I told mine that I would. My mom said I have too nice of an ass to keep it covered up."
"It's true." Rhys walks to a set of old wooden stairs leading to the roof. "Shall we?"
"Let's." Erick pulls an envelope with the keys to the apartment out of his pocket and walks up the stairs.
Rhys grabs his courier bag and follows. Midway up the stairs, they begin to wobble. "Think they have an escalator? Or an elevator? Or maybe some of those grooves and wedges like on that American Gladiator wall game? Basically anything safer than these stairs – a term I use very loosely by the way."
“According to the information they sent us, I would guess this place was built before American Gladiators." Erick gets to the top of the stairs and looks around. "In fact, I'd guess this place was built before TV was invented."
Rhys gets to the top of the building and looks around. The building has a flat roof with what looks like a second level over half of it. There are three doors to the second level, each leading to a different apartment. On the flat half of the roof are some children's toys, a bistro table and a picnic table. In front of the middle apartment are pink lawn flamingos leaning against the building.
"What one are we?" he asks.
"Umm…204," says Erick, reading the directions. They walk to the last door and unlock it. They walk into the apartment and turn on the lights. Straightaway they are in the kitchen slash living room. To the right are three doors; one to each bedroom and one for the bathroom.
"It does have a second level, right?" asks Rhys.
"No."
"But where am I going to put my things?"
"In your room?"
"My shoes won't even fit in that mouse hole you call a room!"
"You haven't even looked in there yet," says Erick.
Rhys walks to the first door, opens it, sticks his head in and screams. "My God, it's worse than I thought!"
Erick walks to the third door and looks in. "Oh. Do you think it's too late to go back to Ohio?"
"And live where? We already found sub-leasers," says Rhys. "Unless we could convince them that they wanted to move to California?"
Erick takes a deep breath. "Well, let's move our stuff in I guess."
"Why hello there!" says a woman in a June Cleaver-inspired dress. "I'm your neighbor Janie and I thought I'd bring you guys some muffins! They're banana nut!"
"Oh thanks," says Rhys, taking the plate from Janie. "I'm Rhys and this is Erick."
“Welcome to the roof, where the rent is cheap and the company is good. Well, as long as you don't go down to apartment 200. Two lesbian Atheists live there." Janie makes the sign of the cross. "I pray for them every day, I just don't know why God doesn't help them. The Devil must be deep in their souls." Janie walks to a corner and brushes a cobweb away. "So do you boys have nice Christian girlfriends?"
"Um actually – " begins Erick, but stops when a girl in a tight shirt and short skirt walks in.
"Hey mom, can I borrow your car?"
"Jennifer," says Janie sternly. "I'm talking here." She turns to the boys. "This is my oldest, Jennifer. I also have a husband, of course."
"Of course," says Rhys, eating a muffin.
Where are you going Jennifer?" asks Janie.
"Church. To the soup kitchen." She stretches her arms above her head. "You guys wanna come?"
Rhys shakes his head while he sends a tweet.
Rhys @RhysHesPNutbutr 1m
got muffins from the new neighbor #TakingFoodFromStrangers #SorryMom&Dad
"Why not?" asks Janie, covering her mouth in horror.
Rhys shrugs. “Apart from the fact that we haven’t even been here two minutes and we need to unpack? Because last I checked the church wasn’t especially supportive of gay people.”
"What has happened to our peaceful Christian rooftop?" cries Janie. "The devil is coming from all sides!" Janie turns and quickly leaves the apartment.
"We'll bring your plate back once we're done with the muffins," yells Rhys.
"Are you a gay too," Jennifer asks Erick, rubbing her hand down his arm.
“Well no, but I am Atheist."
Jennifer smiles
at him. "That's OK. Every guy needs to be fixed some at the beginning of a relationship."
"OK. But we're not in a relationship."
"You’re silly." She blows him a kiss as she walks to the door. "Want to go to the soup kitchen with me?"
"No. Thanks."
"I'll see you later." Jennifer walks to the door and winks at him before leaving.
"We need to keep the door locked," says Rhys.
"Hells yeah," says Erick, shutting the door and locking it.
***
A few hours later the apartment is full of boxes and furniture – none of which has been unpacked. Erick looks at his watch. "We'd better get the moving truck back. Otherwise we'll have to pay for an extra day."
Rhys nods. "OK." They walk outside, locking the door behind them and make their way to the edge of the roof. They hear a rustling sound from the middle apartment; when they look they see Janie looking at them through the blinds. "She’s crazy,” he says.
Halfway down the stairs they bump into two girls. "Hi," says the girl with big red hair and thick cat framed glasses. "I'm Chloe. Are you the new neighbors?"
"Yeah, just moved in today," says Erick.
"We're returning the truck," says Rhys, just to say something.
Chloe looks at him. "Anyway, this is my roommate Cindy." She points to a girl with long black hair and sleeve tattoos on both arms; she appears to be a few years younger than Chloe.
"You mean girlfriend, right?" asks Erick.
"You can't just ask people if they're girlfriends!" scolds Rhys. "How would you feel if a stranger walked up to you and asked if me and you were boyfriends. Well besides flattered that said stranger thinks I would even consider dating someone who thinks that Wal-Mart is a brand."
"Burn," says Erick with a roll of the eyes. "Anyway, Janie told us you were lesbian Atheists."
"Umm actually we're not girlfriends," says Cindy. "Were, but not currently."
"Oh," says Erick.
Rhys yawns.
"Yeah, Chloe here dumped me for a boy," says Cindy.
"And we're not Atheists," chimes Chloe. "I’m Jewish and Cindy is Buddhist."
"Janie can be kind of crazy sometimes,” Cindy says.
“Don’t say crazy,” scolds Chloe. “It’s not PC.”