No Reverse

by Marion Croslydon

  twenty-seven

  Cassie.

  As soon as I stepped out of the internet café, my heart fluttered in my chest.

  My flight home was booked for Saturday. Three days to go and I’d be back in Kansas City. I’d be back to Lucas. That was what Josh had agreed to.

  My cell vibrated in the front pocket of my jeans. When I saw the name displayed across the screen, my hand tightened around the device. Call me a coward, but I’d hoped my path wouldn’t cross Eleanor’s ever again. Yes, there was the fact she’d called me the scum of the earth. But what really hurt was that she was kind of right.

  I shook myself. Right now, I could only focus on getting Lucas back. With courage I didn’t really feel, I pressed the button and her message appeared.

  ELEANOR: MEET ME AT THE RADCLIFFE CAMERA. ASAP. PLEASE.

  I didn’t want to face Princess Lenor. Not now, not ever. Plain and simple.

  But Gran’s voice echoed in my head. The whole “face your responsibilities” and “don’t chicken out” pep-talks kept my fingers from pressing “Delete.”

  CASSIE: NOW?

  I’d just agreed to step inside the boxing ring. I rolled on the tips of my balls of my feet, then back on my heels, and again.

  ELEANOR: C U THERE.

  The Radcliffe Camera wasn’t far from the Turf, where I was due for the afternoon shift in an hour. I took in an enormous breath—twice—and launched myself toward the place that would soon turn into a murder scene. Eleanor might be that blow-dry-perfect doll, but no doubt that a hit from one of her stilettos would pierce right through my skull.

  I shivered. Still, I hurried. I wanted to be done with the drama. When I arrived at the Radcliffe Camera, I didn’t pay attention to it. It was massive, ancient, but I only had Lucas’s cute face in my head, his dimples, the wicked sparkles in his eyes. My fingers gripped the bars of the metal railing, which circled the camera. Three more days…

  “Thanks for coming.”

  I turned my head sideways to where Eleanor was standing. She wore one of those trench coats, the ones I saw in fashion magazines on models who looked so much like this girl Josh loved. Her hair wasn’t as professionally wavy as normal. The skin under her eyes was darker than usual. Why could she not look like an ugly, nasty bitch? For sure, that would make my life much easier.

  “I wanted to meet on neutral ground,” she said.

  I nodded, but there was nowhere really neutral in Oxford for me. Even if Eleanor carried the same passport as I, the world was her oyster.

  “Josh must—it’s better if—” she stumbled. “I mean, we both have nothing to gain if…”

  “I won’t tell anything to Josh, if that’s what you want.”

  “Thanks.”

  Silence hung between us. I put up the collar of my leather jacket as clouds now stood between the sun and me. Eleanor didn’t seem to pay attention to anything around us, not the screaming toddler passing by in its stroller, not even me.

  “I think you’re a calculating bitch and I’ve never hated anyone like I hate you.” That was just her opening line. “However, unless I’ve been completely fooled, I believe you care deeply about Josh. How much you truly care for the child, I don’t know, but Josh… yes, he means a lot to you.”

  “I care first for Lucas. He’s my priority.” Her eyes rested on me for the first time. I stared back at her because I couldn’t leave any doubt in her mind. “But I’m sorry for the hurt I caused you and for screwing up Josh’s life.”

  Something changed in Eleanor’s expression. She switched to full-on business-woman mode.

  “That’s why I have a deal for you.”

  She leaned her back against the iron railing and buried her hands in the pockets of her coat. Whatever she had in mind, I was pretty sure I wasn’t going to like it.

  But I owed it to her. “Fire away.”

  “You see, Cassandra, I have money, quite a lot of it. It’s piling up in a trust fund and I’ve now reached the age when I can do whatever I want with it. Nobody needs to know.”

  “I don’t want your money, Eleanor. It’s not why I came here. I didn’t even know about you until I saw Josh at the party.”

  Her lip curled. “I give you the benefit of the doubt. You might not have known how much money Josh was about to marry. But, now you do, you should do the best with it.”

  I’d kept my feet planted on the ground since her arrival. But I had to back away then. What she suggested made me feel like rubbing my skin with detergent.

  “You can’t buy me.” Her lip curled further as if she knew very well that she could. “I’m here for Lucas because he needs his parents. That’s the only reason I’ve come all the way to England.”

  “What Lucas needs is someone to look after him, someone with means, someone with social standing. I can provide you with all of that. I’m ready to part with a portion of my trust fund to set you up back in Kansas. I’m talking hundreds of thousands of dollars here, not the minimum wage. Enough to buy you a lovely house, picket fence and all, enough to enroll you in a college, if that’s what you want, and pay for your education.”

  If I gave up on Josh? On Lucas? On both? My toes curled up in my boots. I swear I could have jumped the Ice Queen and clawed my nails into that pale, smooth skin of hers.

  “I want my child back. Nothing more, nothing less,” I growled.

  “I can help with that. The money will allow you to live comfortably for many years without having to work, while getting an education and care for Lucas. I’m also ready to convince my father to use his connections and give you the social backing you need for sole custody. Again, I’m not talking small-town celebrities here, but state senators and governors.”

  The offer was impressive, and I bet she could deliver on it.

  “What do you want in exchange?”

  She crossed her legs at ankle level. Even leaning back as she was then, she could stare down at me.

  “You give Josh a divorce. You free him of any parental responsibilities. You get out of our lives for good and never, never mention this little agreement of ours to him.”

  I wanted to keep staring back at her, but her words knocked me down. I let my gaze get lost in the space around me, the Camera, the square and the students walking around. I shouldn’t give a second thought to what she was offering. I should turn my back on her and forget we ever had this conversation. But I couldn’t. I could get custody on my own. I could have a nice, steady life with Lucas, get an education to provide for him later on.

  And Josh could have the high-life he’d worked his ass off for.

  He didn’t even have to know about it.

  I must have been an open book, because Eleanor pushed her point home. Her voice was now shaking.

  “You did the right thing for Josh once. Do it again. He’s worked so hard to be where he is. He has the world in the palm of his hand. Don’t take his dreams away from him.”

  Her words… her words, they shook me. They were almost the same as those Jack MacBride had used that day. The day when Gran had collapsed and I’d rushed her to the hospital, the day the doctors warned us the path ahead would be long and hard. MacBride had said I was stealing Josh’s dreams, smashing them. I’d told him I wasn’t. I’d told him it was what Josh wanted, that I was what Josh wanted. Then he’d shown me the admission letter, and he’d broken me.

  I wasn’t going to choose Josh over Lucas. I wouldn’t lie to Josh anymore either. I’d been down that road before. It hadn’t exactly turned into a great success.

  Eleanor had to understand.

  “I can’t do that. I’m sorry. I know you love Josh and that underneath that tough act of yours, you just want to save what you have with him. But I can’t do it.”

  Tears pooled in Eleanor’s eyes. “Why not?”

  “Because Lucas needs to know who his parents are. He needs to know he has a mom and a dad. We’ll never be the perfect family, but it’s better than him always wondering who his dad is.”

 
I didn’t know my father’s name, what he looked like or what his voice sounded like. I didn’t want the same for Lucas. I couldn’t take his dad away from him again. This wasn’t my choice to make.

  It never had been.

  Eleanor took a step toward me. She wasn’t letting it go. “You and Josh, it won’t last. Then what? How much will Lucas actually see of his father? Christmas every two years? He’ll lose his dad anyway.”

  I stumbled backward, missed the sidewalk curb, and almost crumpled onto the floor.

  Eleanor looked like a scared rabbit. She extended her hands as if she were begging. “I love him. I love him so much.” Tears were now running down her cheeks.

  “I’m sorry.”

  I spun around and broke into a sprint. But I didn’t run fast enough: I heard Eleanor’s broken sobs.

  I knew how it felt to lose Josh. Six years on and my heart was still shattered.

  twenty-eight

  Josh.

  I wasn’t a stalker.

  But if the cops patrolled Cassie’s road and saw me there, staring at her illuminated window from the other side of the street, they might stop and ask questions.

  After my breakfast with Bruce Carrington, I’d spent the rest of the day and evening in touch with the U.S., either calling my lawyer in Kansas City, and Skyping with headhunters in D.C. Despite Carrington’s threats, the job front still looked promising, as did the adoption. Sure, one of the interviews had been cancelled at the last minute. And there will be more if I were to stay on Carrington’s black list.

  Could I make it happen?

  I wasn’t that clueless seventeen-year old anymore, but could I take care of a family?

  I was out of my depth. And the shots of Jack I’d knocked back throughout the day hadn’t made things clearer. My brain was fully functioning, but my heart was… well, my heart was still beating but I was so numb inside, that an EKG would most likely have been flat.

  Being closer to Cassie was a sure way to pick the old heartbeat up. She’d always managed to spice up my life and make me feel. She could make me feel good. She also could make me feel bad, real bad.

  I checked my watch: 1:21 a.m. She wasn’t sleeping either. I saw her walking across her room on the second floor, readjusting her hairband and tightening her ponytail. It was like traveling back in time when we used to sneak into each other’s bedrooms at night. For years, it had been only to talk; later to make out.

  I crossed the road and stepped into the gravel driveway in front of her house. I knelt down and took a couple of stones in my hand. With a toned-down version of my best quarterback throw, I targeted her bedroom window. Hopefully, I wouldn’t break anything. I didn’t, but there was no reaction from inside her room either. I threw the other stone and waited another minute. Silence. The lights were still on.

  Reminding myself that it was the twenty-first century, not Romeo and Juliet’s Verona, I grabbed my cell and dialed Cassie’s number. The call went straight to voice mail. I looked back at the road behind and the faint lights of the streetlamps. I should get back to Patrick’s place and get some rest. There was nothing for me here, especially not in the middle of the night, when I’d drunk far too much.

  Cassie used to make me feel. She also used to keep me from thinking straight. Some things didn’t change. I checked my surroundings. No police, no neighbor taking his dog or his newborn for a night walk. The path was clear, unless Sam was peeking through the living room window. In which case, I was up for a fight.

  The entrance door to the house was framed by a small roofed porch. With my arms up I could touch the top of the porch. With a push I hung at the edge of the roof. I balanced my body, back and forth, back and forth again, and slipped my foot onto the wooden beam that supported the roof. I pulled myself upwards. In a series of swift movements that would have made the kid I used to be proud, I managed to sit on the roof of the porch.

  I gave Cassie’s window a gentle knock. She appeared, frowning. When she saw me, her eyes widened. The sash window slid open and her head peeped out. Her head and her headphones.

  She removed them. “How old do you think you are?” Her voice was severe, but I could hear the humor about to break through it. .

  “Twelve.”

  At that age, there’d been no kissing involved during my night visits. “And for the record, I suspect Mrs. O. always knew I was sneaking into your room.”

  Cassie stepped aside to give enough space for me to squeeze through the window. I landed on my feet and promised myself that I would work out more often. My quarterback days felt like they belonged to another lifetime. I walked around the limited space of her bedroom. “Bare” was a polite way of describing it: a mattress splayed across the floor, a shabby dresser, and that was it.

  “It would be helpful if, from now on, you left your cell on. It might save me from breaking my neck.”

  “Each incoming call costs me money. So I switch my cell off when I don’t need it. Like in the middle of the night.”

  She crossed her arms over her chest in that stubborn way of hers I’d never managed to erase from my mind. She was wearing an off-white nightgown with a halter neck that bared her shoulders. It also uncovered that parcel of skin between her breasts. Nothing provocative, but enough to bring her taste back to my mouth.

  Heat ignited in the pit of my stomach. I coughed, walked back to the window, and sat on the edge of it.

  “Still listening to Bonnie Raitt?” I pointed at the headphones she’d thrown on top of her suitcase.

  “Joni Mitchell.”

  “With you it’s always one of the two. I’m sorry you never got a chance to try something with your music.” I really was.

  “It wasn’t meant to be,” she shrugged, then uncrossed her arms. She joined her hands in front of her. “What did you need to tell me that couldn’t wait for tomorrow?”

  Nothing actually couldn’t wait for tomorrow, but I had to come up with something, otherwise I’d look creepy.

  “I talked to the lawyer. He’s putting all the paperwork together. We should be able to launch the adoption proceedings at the beginning of next week.”

  That piece of info could definitely have waited for tomorrow.

  “Good.”

  “So you’ve booked your flight for Saturday?” I asked.

  She nodded. “I wanted to leave earlier but the tickets cost twice as much. So I took the first flight I could afford.”

  “Tell me how much it was and I’ll transfer the amount to you.”

  Cassie shuddered and her lips pressed together in a thin line. “I don’t want your money.”

  Her fists were clenched and I could feel the heat of her anger reaching across the space that separated us. I’d screwed up. So I stepped toward her, taking hold of her forearm, ignoring how soft her skin was under the palm of my hand.

  “Cass, I was only trying to help.” She jerked her arm away from my touch. “If we get Lucas back, we’ll have to share our resources, you know.”

  “I want to help as much as I can.” Her tone was final. “I’m no gold digger.” She crossed her arms again. I could have sworn she was pouting.

  She was so cute—in that stubborn way of hers—that I burst into laughter. My reaction pissed her off even more. “You’re smart enough to know that there’s not much gold to dig out of me… Yet.”

  “Everything I earn will go to taking care of Lucas,” she murmured.

  There was something underneath her words, a wound I hadn’t seen before. It was big and it was between us.

  “Anyway, all this could have waited for tomorrow. Why are you really here?”

  I lowered my gaze because I felt like a kid who hadn’t done his homework. What the hell was I doing here, well past midnight, in the tiny room of the girl who’d broken my heart?

  I shrugged. “I don’t know.”

  She uncrossed her arms again. A wisp of hair had escaped from her ponytail and my hand reached for it. I tucked it behind her ear and the tips of my fingers b
rushed against her jawline. I wanted them to run down her neck, the valley between her breasts and pretty much everywhere else. My need for her made me breathless.

  “I guess old habits die hard.” Another shrug. I begged her with my eyes not to push.

  She ignored my plea. “What do you mean by that?”

  I rubbed the back of my neck looking for an explanation that made sense. None did. So I gave up. “I haven’t changed as much as I thought, as much as I tried to… Whenever you get close, I have to get closer.”

  twenty-nine

  Cassie.

  I muffled a yelp.

  I blinked.

  I hadn’t expected his words, not now, not ever. I hadn’t expected for Josh’s soul to walk stark naked in front of me. The fact he’d let it happen made me giddy. My knees went weak.

  “The truth, Cass, the truth is that I’ve missed you. I’ve missed our friendship. I’ve missed talking to you, laughing with you, teasing you.” He chuckled but his smile was sad. “Because when you sing about home, it makes me think of you.”

  He hunched over and his shoulders drooped. My sight got blurry. I forced myself to stay put. But who was I kidding? No matter what the sensible part of my brain was yelling at me, I couldn’t hear it because I’d switched it off.

  When Josh looked up at me, I tensed my body to ward off shaking. He was hurting, hurting for me. I took a step. Two steps, until I stood next to him, so close his breath smoothed over my face. The heat between us tingled at my skin.

  He was so tall, so broad, so strong. And still, I could feel his pain, a pain only I could heal. I curved my body into him, and as soon as our chests touched he shuddered and stiffened. But when my forehead leaned against his jaw, the tension in him went away. His arms moved as if he wanted to wrap them around me but then changed his mind.

  I wanted him to cuddle me. Just a cuddle, a moment of him I could take with me. I shut my eyes and breathed in the scent of his skin. I let it wake my memories of our first time under the cotton tree and I wanted to taste his lips again. I stared up at him. His gaze was lowered, and my hands reached up to cup his face. I went on my tip-toes. Even then, because of his height, I had to tilt back my head to look at him.