This Is Our Love Song

by Ryan Loveless

  “They’re my best friends. I wish they lived closer, but we’re all spread out now.” I rattled out the lie like I was on the Big Breakfast couch. “So what do you do?”

  “I’m a YA librarian,” Travis said.

  “A what?”

  “Sorry. Young adult.”

  “So you help teens figure out what to read?”

  “Yeah, but there’s a lot more to it than that. The library where I work has a teen center. It’s a designated safe-space hangout for after school. Most of the kids look at me like I’m insane when I suggest anything reading-related to them. I’m in charge of a lot of programs. We try to keep them busy and give them things to do that will expand their minds and help them grow into good individuals.”

  “Wow.”

  “We actually have a recording studio. I’d love for you to come by and visit, if you’re interested. I could introduce you to some of our teens. I mean, I know you’re busy. I don’t want to put any stress on you.”

  “No, actually I’d love to. It sounds like you have a really interesting job.”

  “I have the best job,” Travis said. “And, well, I hope you don’t mind my saying this, but working with teens, I get pretty good at telling when they’re not being totally forthcoming.”

  “Oh yeah?”

  “Yeah. When I asked you whether you were still in touch with your friends in Icon earlier, I got the impression you didn’t want to talk about it.”

  I looked away.

  “Hey, it’s all right. I’m not going to push you. I just want you to know I intuited something was off.”

  “I wish Russell lived closer. I miss him.”

  “And the other one? Sorry, I don’t remember his name.”

  “Paeder. It’s… he’s… complicated.”

  “I’m not pushing. Do you want to ask something about me?”

  “How did you and Malik and Jordana meet?”

  “Malik and I were college roommates. First time I met him, he was in his underwear, painting his chest the school colors, getting ready to go to a basketball game.”

  “Love at first sight?” I asked.

  “Oh no, I thought he was a brain-dead jock. But since he was living with me, I had to give him a chance, and he proved me wrong.”

  “You thought you could push me over yesterday,” I said.

  “I guess I should have learned not to prejudge people, huh?”

  I grinned and saluted him with my water glass. “Some lessons take time to sink in.”

  Gesturing with his fork, Travis said, “This is really, really good chicken.”

  I laughed.

  “Keelin, yesterday I met a guy who made me respect him. And I’d like to get to know him better.”

  “Hmm.” I scrunched my nose. “Do you have his number? Maybe we could have him over?”

  “I don’t have his personal number, but I’m hoping he’ll give it to me.”

  I laughed. “I’d say there’s a fair chance.”

  It seemed we’d crossed a boundary. Funny how honesty and openness could do that.

  After dinner, I asked if he wanted to take a glass of wine into the den to watch a movie.

  “Netflix and chill? I don’t think that’s a good idea yet.”

  I smirked. “I know I’m incredibly sexy, but I’m confident you can resist jumping on me.”

  “How can you be so sure?” Travis grinned.

  “I’ve got a secret weapon that guarantees instant erectile dysfunction.”

  “Oh yeah? What’s that?”

  I pointed at the kitchen’s entryway. “Hold on.”

  Suddenly a clatter came from the foyer. “Put your pants on, boss. I’m home!” Angie yelled.

  “Oh,” Travis said.

  “Told you,” I said. “We’re in here, Ange.”

  “We? Boss, have you got a man—” Angie froze as she walked into the kitchen and laid eyes on Travis. Then she grinned. “Well, hello, Travis.” She gave it a wolf whistle inflection.

  “Hey, Angie,” Travis managed weakly. “I didn’t know you lived here.”

  “Angie’s staying for a few days,” I provided, while Angie started picking at the leftovers on the stove. “So, movie?” I asked Travis.

  “Ooh, what are you guys watching?” Angie asked.

  “Nothing you’re interested in,” I said firmly.

  “God, exiled in this house too.” She flounced with a chicken wing in one hand and stomped out, dragging her bag with her.

  “Don’t ask,” I said to Travis.

  “Wasn’t going to. But on the subject of wine, it’s a beautiful night, and unless I’m mistaken, that’s a garden I see out the window there. Interested in a drink outside?”

  “Help me put the dishes in the washer and I’ll make all your dreams come true.” Travis gave me an impish look, so I amended: “This one specific dream come true.”

  “That’s good enough for me.” He stood up and handed me plates across the kitchen island. I put them in the washer.

  “You’re supposed to rinse them first,” he said.

  “Oh.” I stared at the plate with bits of food clinging to it in my hand.

  “You don’t usually do this, do you?” He fake gasped. “Oh my God, are you trying to impress me?”

  “No.”

  Travis’s voice rose as he tried not to laugh. “I’m not mocking you. I swear. I’m charmed. Tell me honestly. Did you even cook the meal, or should I be searching your trash for take-out containers?”

  “Yes, I cooked the meal,” I grumped. “And I know how to put dishes in the dishwasher. I just forgot.”

  “You forgot?”

  “You’re very distracting.”

  “I am about five seconds away from suggesting we skip the drinks and go up to your room.”

  I took a deep breath. “I don’t think that’s a good—” I heard the unsteadiness in my voice and hoped that if Travis picked up on it, he didn’t think it came from a lack of desire.

  “Hey, never mind, sorry. Drinks outside. Let’s do it.” He didn’t wait for an answer before he grabbed our wineglasses in one hand and the open bottle in the other and headed for the door. I waited a bit before following. I needed a little space to get my head right. All through dinner, he’d looked at me more than at his food. We’d made each other laugh, and even though we’d avoided innuendo, me on purpose, I wasn’t sure if it was the same for him. The things he did with his tongue as he ate had me aching down below. Thankfully, my erection had subsided by the time I got up, so I didn’t embarrass myself.

  When I joined Travis, we stood on the deck together feeling the breeze. Travis didn’t move when I stepped beside him and took the glasses out of his hand. But then I slid my hand into his and leaned my head on his arm, touching just below his shoulder. “When I came out, it wasn’t wholly by choice. I hooked up with a guy, and the next day I had a call from a tabloid saying they were going to run the story because the guy had proof. They said if I told my side of it, they’d give me a fair shake. Anyway, even though no one can out me anymore, I’m still cautious when I meet new people.”

  Travis didn’t say anything, but he squeezed my hand. Because of the angle I leaned against him, I couldn’t see his face as I spoke, but I felt his breath on my hair, hot and damp and full of promise.

  “Well, since we’re confessing stuff… I’m a hopeless romantic,” he said. “When I finally realized I was gay, my first thought was to plan my wedding. I got hurt a lot before I realized that guys who want me because of what they see aren’t the ones who’ll stick around.”

  “You never met anybody who stuck?” I asked.

  “I’ve had one serious boyfriend in the last six years. But mostly I’ve been alone. It drives Jordana crazy. Ever since she and Malik got together, she’s played matchmaker. And since gay marriage became legal in New York, she’s gotten worse.”

  “I wouldn’t mind having a friend like that,” I said. “I’m good at long-term. Great at it, in fact. But my histor
y with it hasn’t gone how I’d have liked. It’s been… a lot of letdowns and frustration. Mainly courtesy of one guy.”

  “Is he still… in your life?”

  “It’s complicated.”

  “So if he came back and—”

  “I don’t want to talk about this right now.” Not here, under the moon and the telephone wires crossing over the top of my yard and the big tree in the middle. It had been around since the Dutch settlers, and the houses were built up around it. But this was the part where we got it all out and decided if we’d move forward. “It’s complicated, and I can’t talk about it.” I pulled away from his side, but Travis kept holding my hand. Our arms stretched between us. “Can I ask you something?”

  He clutched the wine bottle. “Sure.”

  “What if I want to see you again?”

  Travis put the bottle down on a patio table. “What if I want to see you again?”

  I grinned. “Then we’re golden.”

  He smiled at me for a moment. Then, slowly, he stepped toward me. I stepped toward him. Our chests touched. I reached up to put my arms around his neck. The first brush of his lips to mine was a little off as we measured out the height differential, and I had a brief moment of panic that my lips were too dry, but I got over it when Travis sucked my bottom lip against his teeth. Once he released me, I wrapped my arms around his back and gave a downward tug. Instead of leaning down, he put his hands under my ass and lifted me up. I wrapped my legs around his waist. Rubbing my cheek against his shoulder, I murmured, “Do you know how sexy this sweater feels?”

  “I’ll keep it in mind,” Travis said, bending down to nibble my ear. He braced our weight against the table. I slid one hand down his back, slow so he’d have no question where I was headed. When I grabbed his ass, he huffed, gripped my collar behind my neck, and stuck his tongue inside my willing, waiting, and ready mouth.

  “Yaaaaasssss!” The light in one of the second-story windows went on, and Angie stuck her head out. “Get it, boss!”

  “She is so fired,” I muttered. Travis started laughing. “What?”

  “Nothing. Just thinking I need to tell the salesman at the menswear shop that my purchase was a blazing success.”

  I put my feet back on the ground. “How about I give you that number now?”

  AFTER TRAVIS left, which was very soon after Angie’s appearance, I went upstairs to find her. She was on the couch with Melvin curled up on her lap. “Tell me why I don’t fire you?” I asked.

  Instead of answering, she shuffled around, knocking Melvin off, and reached into her pocket for her wallet.

  “I know how much you make, and I don’t think you can pay me off.”

  “Hold on.” She riffled through the wallet and eventually pulled out a multifolded scrap of paper, which she handed to me.

  “What is this?”

  “The reason you’re not going to fire me.”

  I watched her as I unfolded it. She turned her attention back to the television. It was a half sheet, torn in two in haste. I barely recognized my own handwriting. It read:

  You’re the only thing I have standing between me and heartbreak. Please add to your list of responsibilities: Don’t let the boss do anything he’ll regret.

  I refolded it and handed it back. “I don’t remember giving you this.”

  “Yeah, you were drunk. I thought the third person was a nice touch.”

  “So, uh, when did I write this?”

  “After you did something you regretted. Or someone, I guess.”

  “Oh.” I sat down on the arm of the couch while she put the note away. “You never said…. That was really forward of me to ask you that.”

  She shrugged. “I got a raise out of you that night too, so I figured it was a fair trade-off, and this is the first time I’ve had to do anything, so….”

  “Do you think I made a mistake tonight?” I looked toward the window where she’d yelled down at us.

  “I don’t know. You always talk about getting to know a guy before you hop in bed with him. What I saw did not look like talking.”

  “We talked at dinner,” I said in lame protest. I knew she was right. Now that Travis was gone and I was able to turn my brain away from the things I wanted to do to his body, I couldn’t be angry at her.

  “So, what, you decided it was enough? A little lip service to segue to some actual lip service? This is why you gave me this responsibility, boss. I hate to say it, but you’re an idiot in love.”

  “Coming from an asexual, aromantic lesbian, that hurts,” I said.

  “It’s understandable that you’re horny. I mean, generally understandable, not ‘I can relate’ understandable. It’s been ten months since you had sex with another person.”

  “Do I want to know how you know that?”

  “I know that because that’s when my cousin came to visit and you ‘showed him around town.’”

  “Okay, you’re saying that like it’s a euphemism, but I really did do that.”

  “And then you boned him.”

  I didn’t have any defense to give. Her cousin had been hot and giving out vibes all night. Like Travis. I groaned. “I can’t believe he told you.”

  “I know you hate me bringing this up, since you’re sooo not having a midlife crisis, but have you considered evaluating your life choices lately? You know, as you get closer to four-oh?”

  “Forty is the new twenty,” I said lamely. I was already finding hair where it didn’t belong. My nose. My ears! I was going to turn into my grandpa, known colloquially as the Troll of Cairn.

  “And twenty is the new five, so let this toddler tell you—fucking someone twenty years younger doesn’t make you a spring chicken.”

  “For the record, your cousin never called me back.”

  “Of course he didn’t. He had a girlfriend, and he’s a jerk. If you’d asked me, I could have told you that.”

  “Oh shit,” I sighed. “Is he why I wrote the note?”

  She pulled Melvin away from nosing my fingers. “Night, boss.”

  “Good night. And thanks. I guess.”

  “Anytime.”

  I trudged to my bedroom. Obviously I had a lot to think about. Relationships, turning forty, traumatizing Angie by fucking her cousin… I remembered him, a twenty-two-year-old with punk stylings and a mouth locked on cynicism.

  Melvin followed me down the hall and jumped up on the bed after I opened the door. He kneaded the blanket before plopping down in the exact center. I took my clothes off and went into the en suite bathroom. When I came out again, he was fast asleep, stretched out on his side, horizontal across the bed. I wedged myself into the sliver of space he’d left for me.

  When I was twenty-two, I never dreamed I’d be alone at forty.

  “You’re not there yet,” I told myself. I had a few more months of thirty-nine. But there was the rub. How was I supposed to balance what I’d learned, which was slow and steady builds a relationship, against what I yearned for, someone to love me for me, right now and forever? I stroked Melvin. “At least I’ve got you, Melvin.”

  He opened one eye and glared. I’d woken him. I smiled back.

  Chapter Four

  ALMOST A week later, Malik and Jordana arrived for the first lesson since I’d refused his request through Travis. Malik spent the entire lesson giving me the side-eye, like he expected me to out his failed plan to Jordana. I smiled pleasantly at him, which seemed to unnerve him more. I’d known it would. Jordana was improving, and she seemed aware of it when I mentioned it.

  “I think we’ll start singing words next time,” I said, and she whooped. I laughed. “Malik, you’re up.”

  He creaked out of my poor chair. “I’m going to go freshen up,” Jordana said.

  “First door past the staircase.”

  She darted out.

  I turned to Malik. “So, is there anything you want to say to me?”

  He sighed. “I’m sorry I sent Travis over to do that, but I’m worried Jorda
na will—”

  “I know.” I cut him off. Last thing I wanted was Jordana coming back midconfession. “It happened, it’s over. We don’t need to talk about it again.”

  “I’m really, really”—the door opened—“ready to sing,” he finished as Jordana walked in.

  She squeezed his hand. “Keelin, Angie said you don’t have plans tonight.”

  “Angie wants the house to herself.”

  “You have to come to dinner with us tonight. I want you to meet Travis. He’s the reason we’re here, after all. Are you single?”

  “You won’t be much longer,” Malik cracked before I could answer.

  “Uh, currently, yeah.”

  “Seven o’clock at this little Greek place we like in Park Slope. I’ll write the address down for you.”

  “Park Slope? Brooklyn?” I said weakly.

  “Right across the river,” Jordana said.

  “Babe, maybe Keelin doesn’t want to meet Travis,” Malik said. He stood slightly behind her and gave me an odd look. I realized I had no idea what Travis had told him about our meeting. And I hadn’t told him what I thought of Travis, so he could be thinking that Jordana was setting both of us up for an uncomfortable reunion, when actually I couldn’t wait to see him again.

  It probably would be weird to pretend to meet Travis for the first time, but better to do it now, when we were still mostly strangers, than after our next secret date, right? “No, I don’t mind. I’ll come.”

  “That’s great!” Jordana gave my arms a quick squeeze. “And don’t you worry. If you guys hit it off, Malik and I will not mind at all.”

  “I don’t think they’re going to suck face in front of us,” Malik said.

  Jordana just beamed at me as I blushed five shades. “Well, uh, if it comes to that, hopefully we’ll be able to contain ourselves.”

  “I just want you guys to be happy,” she chirped. She elbowed Malik. I was starting to understand what Travis went through as the object of Jordana’s matchmaking, and I loved it.

  “Uh, yeah,” Malik said. “You guys happy.” He leaned down to me. “You’re really okay with this?”

  “It’s fine.”

  “Okay.” He straightened. “I guess we’ll see you tonight, then.”