Doctor How and the Illegal Aliens: Book 1: The Doctor Who Is Not a Time Lord

by Mark Speed

  The footsteps were heavy, and the door was answered by a plump Afro-Caribbean woman in her forties. Her clothes were cheap but smart. “It’s Kevin again, innit?” she said, before he could utter a word. “I swear I will disown that boy one day.”

  “Is he in?”

  “Nah, he’s out with his mates. Well, he’s out. Whether they’re his mates or not is another matter. He’s had his dinner so probably won’t be back soon.” She paused. “I hope it’s not serious. Mind if I see some ID?”

  “My card, Mrs Thomson. Here.”

  Mrs Thomson examined his card. “What does someone from the Technology Transmission Department at Imperial College want with my son? Anyway, I need to see photo ID. Sorry.”

  “Certainly. My driving licence.”

  She examined the Doctor’s licence but kept his business card. “Good enough. Won’t you come in, Dr How?” She put his card on the mantelpiece, next to a wedding picture of what he assumed was Mrs Thomson and her husband – an older white man with black-framed glasses. “Tea?”

  “No, thank you. I wasn’t planning to stay long.”

  “Come.” She took a seat on a black leather armchair and motioned him to a place on the matching sofa. “I take it you’re not about to offer him a position as an associate professor?” She let out a cackle and slapped a substantial thigh, which wobbled.

  He smiled. “Unfortunately not, although I don’t doubt that your son is smart enough.”

  “Reeaaaally?” she said. “I just wish I could direct that brain of his into something more productive. Like so many young ones, he’s not got the focus. Lord knows I’ve tried to make him knuckle down. ADHD I think it is. I see it a lot up at the hospital. I work in A&E. The younger ones, they just don’t have the patience to sit quietly. Can’t read a book or a magazine. Always fiddling with their phones.”

  “As I said, he’s certainly smart enough to be able to hack into a pretty secure environment.”

  “Oh, no. Not that again. I told him it’s dangerous. You hack into the American systems now and they extradite you and put you away for decades. I can’t afford no fancy lawyer. It’s him and his conspiracy theories, you know. UFOs and all that nonsense. I mean, I always tell him that if aliens were so smart, why in the name of God would they bother with us? Eh?” She shook her head.

  “I suppose it’s at least stopped him from getting into other sorts of trouble. His record says he was cautioned for a few petty offences – shoplifting and the like.”

  “Ah, you know about that. That was enough for him. He’s fairly legit now – computer repairs, phone unlocking, that sort of thing. Works out of his bedroom.” She flicked her head in the direction of a hallway.

  “Yes, I know exactly the sort of thing. Password resets on stolen PCs and iPads. Unlocking smartphones.”

  “What can I do, Dr How? It gets him a modicum of respect on the estate. He’s like his dear departed father – smart, but not the kind of man who can stand up to other men. Not physically, at least. But he has a good heart, I promise you. Maybe one day he’ll set up a proper shop down in Brixton. I always hoped someone would take him as an apprentice at one of those places in the arcade, or Brixton Village.”

  “It would certainly be a good use of his talents, Mrs Thomson. It’s been nice talking with you, but I have to get on.”

  “Would you like me to get him to write you a letter of apology, Doctor?”

  “Heavens, no. Just tell him that if he tries that stunt again he’ll find his hard disc reformatted. He has quite a collection of programs on it, so he knows how many days it’ll take to download and reinstall them. Tell him I mentioned that. Oh, and tell him I’m not bluffing. I wiped out his high score on Bioshock.” It wasn’t all that had happened to Kevin’s computer. He wasn’t sure whether Kevin knew just how much trouble he might be in.

  “Serves him right, Doctor. I’ll let him know. You take care on the way out. Do you know where you’re going?” She rose to let him out.

  It was dark outside, and the night was overcast and moonless. The streetlights on the estate were of the mercury-vapour variety used for industrial parks, giving a stark white light with a hint of pink.

  “It’s not much of a walk home from here.”

  “Best stick to the main road, though. Bye-bye, Doctor. And thank you for not being too hard on the boy.”

  He trotted down the concrete stairs, footsteps echoing around and out of the stairwell. He pressed the green exit button, the gate buzzed, and he was out onto the tarmac.

  There was a route round the back of the block, and that was his fastest way to the South Circular, and home. Attention wasn’t on him, but he was very interested in seeing who it was on now as he walked stealthily towards the service area at the rear of the flats. He stopped at the corner of the building and listened.

  “I told you, I know nothing,” said one voice.

  “Jesus, Kevin. The Feds knew exactly who and what they was lookin’ for. They went straight into Joe’s and nicked him. His brother says they even quoted the serial number of his laptop at him, and it matched. Boom – straight in the van, no arguments.”

  “Spyware,” said another voice. “Shopped him. You said that machine was clean when you was done with it.”

  “I swear it was clean,” said Kevin.

  “You got careless. Know what happens when fruit gets handled carelessly, Kevin?” said the first voice.

  “It gets bruised,” said the other. There was the sound of scuffling, then the noise of a body being bounced off something large and hollow.

  “I don’t know nothing,” said Kevin.

  “How comes you got a nice friendly visit from the Feds ten minutes ago, eh? Giving you a reward from Crimestoppers, was they?”

  “On my life, I don’t know who that was. It can’t have been a Fed. You saw him – he wasn’t wearing a stab-proof vest, was he?”

  “So if he wasn’t a Fed, who was he? Went straight through the gate.”

  Dr How stepped out from behind the corner. “It’s easy if you have one of these,” he said, and held up the oblong metal object.

  Kevin’s two interrogators had him pushed up against one of several giant dumpsters. They loosened their grip. All three stared at the suited man.

  “Whoa, it’s the Feds,” said the larger of the two assailants.

  “Good evening, officer,” said the other. “We was just having a quiet word with young Mister Thomson here.”

  “I assume you’ve finished now, gentlemen?”

  “Who’s asking?” said a much deeper voice. A chunky youth stepped out of the shadows. “My Dad always told me to ask for ID. No warrant card, no conversation.”

  “Consider me just another one of Kevin’s customers who wants a word,” said the Doctor.

  “Who are you?” asked the chunky youth. “You’re on my turf. You ain’t got no visa and you ain’t paid no entry fee. Know what I’m sayin’?”

  “Do excuse me. I thought this was public property. I didn’t realise you were King of the Dumpsters.”

  Chunky’s companions knew better than to laugh. Kevin’s eyes opened in terror. There was a snick as a blade opened in Chunky’s right hand. It glinted as the youth pointed it at Dr How’s face.

  “Just a word of advice, mate,” said one of the youths holding Kevin. “Now would be a good time to show some serious respect.”

  “Yeah, and like maybe say your prayers if you don’t,” said the other. Kevin was pushed back against a dumpster and all three advanced on the Doctor.

  “Kevin,” called the Doctor, “I want you to look away now.”

  “No need,” said Chunky. “He didn’t see nothin’. Did you, Kev?”

  “Nothing, I swear,” said Kevin.

  “Cover your eyes, Kevin,” ordered the Doctor. He raised the metal object above his head. Its brushed metal casing reflected the light in a diffuse, unthreatening way. The trio’s eyes followed it.

  “Wh –” Chunky managed, before a blinding flash l
it up the service area.

  “Come, Kevin,” said the Doctor. He pocketed the object and walked past the youths, who were rubbing their eyes and crying in agony. Chunky stumbled into a dumpster and fell over, letting out a fresh scream as he fell on a broken bottle and cut his shin. The Doctor grabbed Kevin by the lapel of his anorak and pulled him to his feet.

  “What have you done to them? We should get an ambulance. My Mum’s a –”

  “They’ll be alright in a few minutes. Your he-man might do well to get a tetanus jab though.” Still holding Kevin by the lapel, he marched him off along the narrow path that led to the South Circular.

  “Oh, I get it. It’s like in Men in Black! Cool, man!”

  “No, not really. They’ll be a bit confused as to what happened, but they’ll just associate you with pain from now on. You’re coming with me.”

  “Jesus, I can’t believe it. You’re like Agent K.”

  The Doctor swung Kevin round. “Get this into your dense little head, Kevin. Men in Black is fiction. What is fact, my friend, is that you are in serious trouble. Maybe more trouble than you could ever imagine.”

  “With who?”

  “No, not with Who. With me. With How. And some other people. I don’t know who.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  “You understood enough to hack into my systems. Then you came knocking at my door. I’ll be needing answers, Kevin.” They reached the South Circular. The rush-hour had finished, but there was a steady stream of traffic as they turned and headed west.

  “Now, you either come with me and give me some answers, or you go back home and face your mother’s wrath. And I’ll also trash your computer remotely.”

  “You’d have a job. I’m the best.”

  “Really? Guess who put the spyware on Joe’s machine that got him nicked?”

  “Well, it wasn’t me.”

  “I know.”

  “So it was you?”

  “No, it wasn’t me. I don’t know who or what it was, Kevin. And if I don’t know who it was then if I were you I’d be very, very scared right now.”

  They reached the busy junction. Seeing a gap in the speeding traffic, the Doctor grabbed the youth’s arm and forced him to run across the dual carriageway to the traffic island. They caught the last seconds of a green light on the other side. They were now heading south along the A23.

  “But I don’t understand.”

  “Never play a game you don’t understand, Kevin. You broke someone’s rules and you paid for it.”

  “What’s the worst that could happen?”

  “Oh, gosh, Kevin. What do you think the King of the Dumpsters was going to do to you after Joe’s court case over the stolen laptop?”

  “I could have talked my way out of it.”

  The Doctor stopped and turned to face the youth. “Really, Kevin. You might have found it a whole lot more difficult with no teeth.”

  “Look, it wasn’t –”

  The Doctor continued his brisk walk. “Just suppose – I don’t know how good you are with hypothetical questions, Kevin – but just suppose whoever did that to Joe’s laptop – I say ‘Joe’s’ laptop, but of course it’s stolen –- just suppose they did that to every single machine you’ve hacked in the last two months.”

  “They couldn’t. Could they?”

  “Oh yes, they could, Kevin. And can you just imagine how unpopular that would make you in your manor? Yes, I can hear your little brain working like mad now. Part of you’s thinking that things might be quite a bit easier with the boys in the slammer. But it’s not a full flush, is it? And then they do get to come out in a few months. Not so much fun then. Not so easy to talk your way out if it, is it?”

  “Jesus. How do you know all this?”

  “Because I did you a bit of a favour, sunshine. I stopped it from happening. I’ll show you everything when we get back to my place, which – as you know – is but a short distance away.”

  “I’m not going in that house with that mad dog of yours. He’ll kill me.”

  “He’s a she. Still, we’d better make sure you get off on the right foot with her. Here, let’s get her a tin of dog food.”

  They ducked into a small independent grocer’s. The Doctor scanned the tins. “Hmm. Rabbit. I think she’d go for that. I remember her catching something small, cute and furry once. Trouble was, it only looked cute. Pure evil, it was.” He declined a plastic bag. “She prefers things raw, and I rather suspect this is cooked. Still, it’s the thought that counts, isn’t it?”

  They crossed the dual carriageway, then headed down the leafy road which led into Telford Park Estate. The noise of the traffic quickly died behind them. A couple of hundred yards later they were at Dr How’s front door. “I’m not quite sure whether she’s expecting you,” he said as he unlocked it. “She can be a bit funny with strangers, so you’d better leave the introductions to me. But I’m sure she’ll like you. Eventually.”

  Kevin crept warily into the porch behind the Doctor, who closed the front door behind him. He clicked the timer switch and the UV light came on. “If you’ll just raise your arms, that would be great.”

  “What’s this?” Kevin noticed his white shoelaces glowing.

  “UV light. Kills bacteria. Can’t be too careful. You’ll find I can be a bit fastidious where hygiene is concerned. Get used to it.” He opened the door to the rest of the house and they went in.

  “Trini,” called the Doctor. “We’ve got company.” There was no response.

  Kevin screamed and grabbed the door handle, unable to turn it in his panic.

  “What is it?” asked the Doctor. The youth was now in petrified shock, his back to the door. The Doctor pushed him away from the exit, out into the hallway. A huge spider covered in short jet-black fur, its head the size of a bowling ball and a body twice the size, was dangling on the end of a single sliver of silk, its legs spread out three feet on either side for balance. Its eight green eyes were locked into Kevin’s, less than two feet from his face. Its mandibles twitched. Kevin let out a small choking noise.

  “What’s the matter, Kevin? Have you got arachnophobia?”

  Kevin choked back a gurgle.

  “Oh, Trini. You’re not hypnotising him, are you? I’m so sorry, Kevin. It’s one of their hunting strategies in the wild for larger kills. She doesn’t get much of a chance to practise it these days, but even so, it’s a bit rude. After all, she’s not intending to kill you. Not that I know, anyway.”

  “C-c-c-c. S-s-s-st –”

  “Can I stop her? Yes, of course. Trinity, would you please let Kevin go?”

  The spider rose silently on her silken sliver and, with a flick of her body, stood upside-down on the ceiling, eyes still fixed on Kevin.

  “Come on, let him go.” Trinity backed off to a point in the ceiling just above where the stairs began. “Oh, very well.” He turned to Kevin. “She wants to show off. It’s her favourite party trick. Watch this.”

  The Doctor went up to the third step. Trinity dangled a hind leg. The Doctor jumped up and grabbed it, as if it were a trapeze bar. She held that leg steady whilst she crawled back to her previous position in the middle of the hall ceiling. “Pretty impressive, isn’t she? Capable of holding thirty times her own bodyweight.”

  Trinity dabbed the spinner in her rear on the ceiling and spun out a fresh sliver, returning the Doctor gently to the floor. She flashed back up to the ceiling on the silk, then dropped to the floor without a line, landing silently on her feet in front of Kevin. She backed off a few feet, to the end of the corridor next to the stairs.

  “Now, she’s said hello to you. It’s only good manners that you say hello to her.”

  “H-h-h-h-h. T-t-t-t-t-t. Ht.”

  The Doctor shook Kevin by the shoulders and waved his hands in front of his eyes. “Come on, snap out of it. She’s not going to bite you, lad.”

  “H-h-h-hello, T-Trinity,” said Kevin.

  “I thought the cat had got your tongue ther
e, Kevin.” The Doctor looked down at his guest’s jeans. “At least you’ve not wet yourself.”

  If a spider could have laughed, it would have looked like Trinity did at that moment – her head nodding and mandibles twitching.

  “In the wild, with larger prey, they hypnotise them first, you see. Bit like a snake does. Then the next thing you know, you’re dead. Or probably you don’t know at all, because you’re dead, come to think of it. Whilst she’s got you fixed with her two big eyes, the others are busy working out the physiological details – what sort of sensory systems you’ve got, how good they are, muscles, central nervous system, circulatory system – you know; veins, arteries, that sort of thing. Then she’d probably either paralyse you or just slash an artery. Or, if you’re smaller, chop your head clean off. If your head’s the important bit, that is. Normally the case, but you just never know, do you? Well, she does. Obviously. Or at least, she does if you make the mistake of giving her a few seconds to work it out. Are you better now?”

  “She’s not a dog. She’s a spider.”

  “And they say science education is on the decline in this country. Well, not exactly a spider, but near enough. Let’s just call her the most efficient predator I’ve ever met. She’s not from round these parts, you know.”

  The Doctor turned to address Trinity. “Kevin’s actually very thoughtful. He insisted we stop and buy you a can of this.” He held up the tin of dog food. Trinity’s attention switched to the can, and he handed it to Kevin. Her attention stayed on the can.

  “Good girl,” said Kevin. “I hope you like rabbit?”

  Trinity’s rear legs straightened with a twitch that made Kevin start.

  “I’d take that as a yes, Kevin. Now, how about you just give her the food? She’s in feeding mode now, and you don’t want to leave her in that state without giving her something. Quickly.”

  “Do you have a tin-opener?”

  “I hardly think that will be necessary, Kevin.”