Moored Heart (Catalina Dreams Book 1)

by I. M. Flippy

  Jason couldn’t stand, and nausea roiled his stomach. He settled for leaning on a rack of T-shirts because there was nothing that would break if he knocked it over.

  “Jason!” Charlie’s mother said. She was right on top of him. She threw an arm around his waist, righting him. She was a small woman, but she felt strong and solid, allowing him to lean on her. “Oh, my Lord, what did you do to yourself? Don’t you have a bad leg? Did you run here? That was stupid, wasn’t it?”

  “Yeah,” Jason agreed. He let her walk him over to a chair next to the cash register. “I have to talk to Charlie. I have to apologize. Please, I have to…”

  “Charlie is on a bike tour,” Sandra said. “You’ll sit right here. Let me get you some water. Though I’m tempted to throw you out of here. I still might. I’d like to see just what you have to say for yourself. Does your leg hurt badly?”

  “Yes.” She moved too quickly around him. He had to shut his eyes as his stomach continued to twist and turn. His leg throbbed from his ankle all the way up his thigh and into his buttock. He sat, hunched forward, and breathed through the pain. The bike ride had been a worse than average Bad Leg Day, but this was much worse. He had not felt pain like this since his days in physical therapy.

  Sandra came back with Ibuprofen and a bottle of water. Jason let her spill three capsules into his hand that shook so badly he nearly dropped them on the floor. He forced himself to swallow the painkillers and guzzled half the contents of the bottle, water dripping down his throat. He still hadn’t caught his breath. The Ibuprofen would not dent the pain much, he already knew. But it was better than nothing.

  He had to appreciate the hospitality of Charlie’s mother who took care of him even as she yelled at him for hurting her son.

  Finally, he sat back and rested his head on the counter behind him. There was something calming about the shop. It didn’t have that cloying stench of sweet potpourri like a lot of the other touristy shops. It smelled like air conditioning and sage and also faintly like weed. It was calming and familiar and he smiled, centering himself on the scent and on the pain. He breathed in and out and finally opened his eyes to face the angry mother glaring at him.

  “Well?” Sandra crossed her arms. “What do you have to say?”

  “I—”

  “Hey, Sandra, I thought I’d pick up Charlie his favorite boba. Do you want something too?” Andy appeared from the backroom, and immediately Jason knew he was about to die. Andy came around the counter and stopped short at the sight of Jason. “What is he doing here!”

  At least if I’m dead my leg won’t hurt anymore, Jason thought.

  “Hey, Andy.” Jason hung his head. The collective glare between them felt like a heavy weight pushing him down. “Came to apologize.”

  “Charlie doesn’t want your apologies!” Andy said, scowling. “You made him feel like shit, you know? Like absolute shit! He’s been crying since this morning over your wrinkled sorry ass!”

  “Okay, Andy, c’mon…” Sandra shoved Andy back behind the counter.

  “Ugh.” Jason rubbed his eyes and breathed into his hands. “I’m sorry,” he murmured. “I’m so sorry. I fucked everything up, I...”

  He heard them angrily whispering at each other and then Sandra said, “Just go get the boba. I will see what he has to say. Go, go! You’re a good friend. Now get the hell out of here.”

  When she came back, she looked no friendlier. The scowl quickly returned to her face. “You know, people think Charlie’s naïve, but he’s not. He’s very thoughtful, and he’s observant of people. He has a good sense about them. But he’s not used to cruelty. It took him by surprise. No one has ever hurt him in exactly that way. It shocked him. I haven’t seen him that upset in ages.”

  “Yeah.” That one word was enough. A sob burst out of him, and he clapped his hands to his eyes, heaving painfully. “Yeah, I know… I… He’s so good and I…”

  “Wow, okay…” Sandra crouched down beside him and patted his back. “It’s good you’re this upset. I hope it means something.”

  It took him a couple minutes before he could compose himself again, but Sandra’s hand on his back was comforting.

  “If he doesn’t forgive me, I understand,” Jason rasped. “I don’t deserve it anyway. I feel like it was a test, and I just failed miserably.”

  “I think it can be fixed,” Sandra said. “I think you’re a good man who made a mistake. The reason I think that is because, like I said, Charlie has good instincts about people, and he thought you were a good man. That’s all I need to know. You hurt him, but if you can do the work to not hurt him again, you might have something.”

  “I thought the gunshot was hard,” Jason said, wiping his eyes. “This might be harder.”

  “You have a long time to work on it,” she said. “I know you’re forty—”

  “Forty-two.”

  “Ech, you’re a baby,” she said. “Your life is just beginning.”

  “Really,” Jason said.

  “Yes.” Sandra looked certain enough to give him hope when she said, “Because you only just met Charlie. It’s fixable. Just never forget how you feel right at this moment. Don’t forget what you’ve learned.”

  “Yeah.” Jason sat up and he was about to ask for Kleenex when she stuck a box right under his nose. “Thanks.”

  Jason stayed right where he was as Sandra walked around, humming and puttering. He felt like she was watching him, as if waiting for him to do something and he couldn’t think what.

  When he heard a commotion in the back room, he assumed it was Andy. But then Charlie’s familiar voice cracked the silence. Jason sat up straight with his eyes shut, hearing Charlie breathlessly telling his mother that a client had ridden much harder than he’d expected but that he enjoyed the workout because it had taken his mind off Jason. It was all a terrible hum around him, and Jason finally opened his eyes again when he got dizzy and wondered if he’d fallen asleep and was dreaming.

  “Charlie...” Sandra said.

  Charlie was behind him, yet Jason could feel that he’d suddenly noticed him.

  “Oh!” Charlie came around and stared at him blankly. “Oh. I didn’t... What are you doing here? I didn’t expect to see you. Jesus, are you all right?”

  Jason looked down at the floor. Maybe he was shit out of luck after all, he thought. His heart pounded in his chest. He’d overestimated Charlie’s feelings wildly. Should he be more upset?

  “I messed up,” Jason said. “I really fucking messed up.”

  Charlie took a deep breath, stared up at the ceiling, and said, “Okay. Hold on a second.”

  Jason stayed right where he was, not that he could have gone far as he could hardly walk at the moment. Charlie found a chair in the back room and dragged it out to the front. He nodded at his mother who marched to the front of the store and turned the Open sign around to Closed before Jason heard the jangle of keys as she locked the door.

  Sandra passed Charlie as she quietly made her way out. Jason couldn’t hear what she whispered in his ear, but he heard Charlie sigh and mutter that she should mind her own business and it made him smile.

  “Okay.” Charlie dragged the chair up next to Jason and took a deep breath. “I’m glad you know you messed up.” He played with his hands and Jason fixed his eyes on the motion. The slow tangling of his long fingers was calming. “I was really pissed at the dock. I was really, really pissed at you. And then I was just upset. It felt like you threw out everything between us. Everything that I thought was real went right out the window. It made me feel awful. That you could throw me away that easily.”

  Jason choked at that and covered his mouth. “I… I know. I know that’s what I did. I have no excuse for that. I was just scared, and I didn’t even know why really—”

  “Hold on.” Charlie spoke so quietly Jason could hardly hear him. He pushed his hair back and turned to face Jason. Their chairs were so close that their knees knocked together. Jason clenched his fists in his lap, r
esisting the urge to touch him. “I want to say this first. I was mad and upset and I felt super shitty. And then I had to go on this bike tour. It was a long one. It was nice. Too rigorous for you, of course. But it felt good after being so upset for a few hours. And there were enough times where I was just coasting between the hills to think. I thought about when we went riding and how you tried to power through until you couldn’t. And I thought about that awful expression on your face when you were in pain and pretending it wasn’t that bad. How you come from a world where you have to tough it out and do a really hard job even if you’re scared or you’re upset. That’s not how I grew up at all. If I sneeze, my mother tells me to stay home. And I thought how in your world maybe they wouldn’t be so cool about you liking guys…”

  “I’m not trying to excuse anything,” Jason said. He unclenched his fingers and folded them together as if he might hold himself together through his hands.

  “I’m not trying to excuse you either.” Charlie put an arm around his shoulders, and Jason melted against him. “I’m saying I think I can imagine why you reacted that way and I think I can understand. Maybe you didn’t know why you were scared, but your lizard brain sure did and why wouldn’t it? You were probably conditioned to be afraid of that your whole goddamn life, even if you didn’t realize it. I figure you’ve done things I’d be terrified to do. If you were afraid of this, there must be a reason.”

  “I told them about us,” Jason said. “Cal and Alyssa. It didn’t go that great, but it could have gone worse. But Alyssa came to me later, and she understands. She’s not even surprised. I told her…” He blew an O into the air, summing up his nerve. “I told her I’m in love with you.”

  “Don’t say that if—”

  “I love you,” Jason said. “I don’t care what Cal says. I’ll call my parents tonight and tell them too, and I don’t care what my father says either. I love you. I was scared. I was petrified. But I’m much more scared of losing you and all our future conversations about true crime and serial killers.”

  That made Charlie laugh, his grin splitting his face and making those pleasing lines around his mouth. He looked at Jason, who couldn’t move, and then hands were covering his, their fingers tangling together. “You didn’t lose me,” Charlie said. “You just told me how you feel. Seems like that’s hard for you.”

  “Yeah, heh.” He nodded. “I’m working on it. I will work on it. I’ll buy books. Maybe I could see a guy, a therapist. I could uh... meditate or... journal. Anything. But I’ll work on it. I’m ready to, Charlie, if—”

  Charlie cut him off with a kiss. He shut his eyes as Charlie met his lips and nudged them apart, his tongue slipping in, making him whimper. “I believe you,” Charlie said. “And I love you too.”

  “Charlie…” Jason’s anguished cry meant arms around him, holding him up. Those familiar hands rubbed up and down his back and he buried his face in Charlie’s neck.

  I didn’t lose him… Thank God I didn’t lose him…

  “There’s one problem,” Jason said, refusing to let Charlie out of his embrace.

  “What’s that, baby?” Charlie cooed.

  “I’m pretty sure Andy is going to kill me.”

  “He might. I’ll see what I can do.”

  Epilogue

  Six months later…

  “It’s not done,” Jason said, rubbing the back of his neck. The corner of his mouth turned up. They were sitting at a table on the patio at El Pato, nursing their second margarita each, their fajitas long forgotten as they hung around slowly getting drunk and staring at each other with wide and dopey smiles.

  “It’s as good as done.” Charlie frowned, annoyed that the patio chairs were not more functional for cuddling. He scooted yet closer to Jason and leaned on his shoulder.

  “It’s a first draft,” Jason argued. Charlie found Jason’s free hand and raised it to his lips, softly kissing his boyfriend’s knuckles. Jason bit his lip, watching him. They’d just come from his yacht where Charlie spent a good amount of time these days. “The editor will probably have plenty to say. There will be revisions and notes and—”

  “They’ll love it,” Charlie whispered, turning his hand over to kiss Jason’s meaty palm. “I’ve read a bunch of books about cops lately. Yours has better writing. Its themes are deeper. But it’s a page turner too. It’s great.”

  “You don’t have to tell me everything I do is amazing,” Jason said.

  “Too bad.” Charlie beamed and leaned over to kiss Jason.

  Six months. It had flown by. They were still in the euphoria of a honeymoon period, but Charlie had seen day by day how Jason tried. Charlie had developed the skill of reading Jason like a book, if not a book that sometimes needed translation. He could tell when Jason was sitting on something he needed to say or pretending to be fine when he was not fine or when his leg was bothering him, and he refused to appear “weak.” But more and more, Jason opened up voluntarily. Important talks always seemed to happen in the dark as they were falling asleep. Charlie thought of it as a confession booth. It was easier for Jason to speak in the shadows. Sometimes they talked for hours so that Charlie slept into the morning and had to speed back to shore on the dinghy and run to Porpoise Pot to open up and start his shift.

  He loved those mornings. He wanted nothing more than for Jason Winters to make him late for things.

  “Can I ask you something?” Jason said. “I hope it’s not touchy.”

  “Of course.”

  Jason sat back but let Charlie keep his hand, fixated on the way he fidgeted with it and occasionally kissed a fingertip. “Are you happy working at Porpoise Pot? I don’t mean there’s any reason you wouldn’t be. It’s just that I’ve been all about my book and you’ve been heroically supportive about it and I want to make sure you’re doing what you want to be doing? Sometimes you get insecure about things, you know. Don’t think I haven’t noticed.”

  Charlie smiled and his eyes crinkled as he leaned forward and kissed Jason’s forehead. “You’re adorable,” Charlie said. “I know, I get insecure sometimes and I’m working on it. And I know what you mean. But I am doing just what I want to be doing. The thing is, mom’s got a decent retirement fund. She’s gonna leave the shop to me, and I have a lot of ideas for it. I want to expand it, sell more artisan stuff made on the island. Stuff like her blankets, but more. Hire more people to give tours and stuff like that. She just doesn’t have the energy for much expansion herself and I don’t blame her. But when I think about working on that and being with you and our future? Yeah. I’m doing exactly what I want to be doing.”

  “Lovebirds!” Cal appeared with Alyssa by his side, closely followed by Sandra and Andy. Jason and Charlie twisted in their chairs and watched their friends arrive in a small parade. Charlie had invited everyone to come celebrate with them, but it was still odd to see that particular combination of people together in one place. It put Charlie in mind of weddings, and the thought of that gave him a shiver. It was not out of the question at all. They’d had conversations about being married someday. “What’s up, guys?” Cal laughed and slapped Charlie on the shoulder and they all dragged chairs over to sit around the table.

  “Hey, Cal,” Charlie said. “How about that draft, huh?”

  “I’m relieved we’ve finished reading it,” Alyssa rolled her eyes. She’d cut her hair short, and she wore a pretty white dress. She squeezed Charlie’s shoulder in a familiar manner when she sat down. “That group text wouldn’t leave me alone.”

  “I had a lot of thoughts,” Charlie said.

  The server came to take orders and, against everyone’s better judgement, they asked for top shelf tequila shots all around.

  “I really liked reading it that way,” Cal said. “With Charlie’s commentary? You’re very thoughtful about that stuff, ya know. It made it fun!”

  “Well, I thought you had interesting stuff to say about it too,” Charlie argued. “I mean you were there.”

  “Do you two need to get a
room?” Andy said, and Jason feigned offense.

  “Put enough tequila in me and I might,” Cal said.

  “Hey!” Jason said. “Keep your mitts to yourself, if ya know what’s good for ya!”

  The shots came, and the server doled them out on the table. Cal raised his shot and winked at Andy. “It’s okay. Andy’s my real number one. Isn’t that right?”

  “You know it, daddy.” Andy blew him a kiss and Cal turned red, probably already regretting his pretense at flirting. Charlie raised an eyebrow and rested his hand at the back of Jason’s neck, feeling more possessive than was warranted. He blamed that on the tequila.

  “In all seriousness,” Alyssa said, raising her shot. “We’re here to celebrate Jason’s book and all his hard work. And six months of happiness for him and Charlie. I hope that six months turns into sixty years. I wish you all the happiness.”

  “Hear! hear!” Sandra said, slapping the table.

  “Bottoms up!” Andy crowed.

  Everyone threw back their shots and Charlie shivered and grabbed for a glass of water.

  No more shots, he reminded himself. He liked this pleasantly buzzed feeling, and he didn’t want to ruin it by getting wasted.

  “I have an announcement actually,” Jason said. Charlie drank some water and looked at Jason in surprise, racking his brain for what it could be. They hadn’t discussed anything lately that would require an announcement. “Charlie thinks I have some kind of problem with this because he knows me, but I luckily still have the capacity to surprise him. We’re going to find a place together, babe. What do you think?”

  Charlie stared at his boyfriend. “Really? Are you sure?”

  “My future is with you and that yacht is feeling too small for the both of us,” Jason said firmly. “I have some places picked out. If you don’t like them, we’ll find a place you like. I want to make a life with you.”

  “I knew he was the one,” Sandra said, and shook her head as she reached for a napkin to dab her eyes.

  “I’m so happy for you,” Alyssa said. Charlie smiled at her fondly. It had been a great relief to discover that being with Jason meant he’d picked up some new friends and that Alyssa was one of them.