Sweatpants Season

by Danielle Allen

  He closed the gap between us and cupped my face. “I like you.”

  My mouth opened and then closed, conflicted. “It-it’s the sex.” I blinked rapidly, hoping he didn’t see the truth in my expression. “We have a show to do.”

  “It’s more than the sex.” He kissed me. “You feel it, too.”

  “Whatever I feel doesn’t change the facts,” I reminded him softly, my arms falling by my sides.

  Holding me firmly around my waist, he searched my eyes. “I want to hear you say it.”

  We were face-to-face, and I let out a breath I didn’t realize I was holding. My heart pounded in my chest and I felt dizzy. I wanted to grab on to something. My mind told me to grab the wall; my body told me to grab him. But I just stood there, hoping I didn’t pass out. I opened my mouth to put an end to whatever it was that was happening, but my mouth felt dry.

  “Say it.” His tone was steady, but his eyes pleaded with me.

  My chest rattled as I inhaled. “Why?”

  “Say it.”

  I hesitated for a while before I admitted the truth. “I like you.”

  The moment the words were out of my mouth, his lips were against mine. The passion that emanated from the kiss set me ablaze. I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him even closer.

  “Why did you make me say it?” I murmured against his lips. “It makes it real.”

  He pulled away fractionally. “Because… I needed it to be real.”

  “Is someone in there?” a voice asked, knocking on the door and jiggling the handle.

  Carlos and I stared at each other wide-eyed.

  What am I doing? I work here now! I stared at the door, willing the person to stop knocking and to go away.

  “The bathroom around the corner has stalls,” a second voice said. “Come on, we’ll try that one.”

  Thirty seconds later, silence.

  “We have to go,” I whispered, turning my head to face him. “We…”

  My voice wavered at the way he was staring at me.

  With one final chaste kiss against my lips and then my forehead, he took a step back. “You go first. I’ll meet you at the studio.”

  I gave him a questioning look. “Okay.” I paused. “Is everything okay?”

  He nodded, kissing me again. “I’ll see you in a minute.”

  I started to leave, but he grabbed my hand and kissed it. “I have to tell you something. Before you go on air. The guys will kill me if they knew I told you but…”

  I froze. “What is it?”

  “There’s a newsletter that started going out this week. It’s… listeners submitted photos and Bry—City Boy compiled them and picked the women to showcase.”

  I watched his face for any tells. “When did you find out about this?”

  “When I checked my email on Tuesday.”

  I closed my eyes as I struggled with the new information. “So, you’ve known most of the week that women were being objectified and disrespected?”

  That my sister was being objectified and disrespected!

  “Yes. But I didn’t put it together. I didn’t know anything about it until it was already put together,” he assured me, before his phone started ringing.

  I stared at him with a blank expression as he used his free hand to pull his phone out of his pocket and answer the call.

  “What’s up?” He never took his eyes off me as he listened to the male voice loudly talking on the other end. “I was handling something important. I’m always ready. You’re the one that needs to be on your A-game.” He paused, running his thumb across the back of my hand. “Yeah, she’s going to show up. I told her to be here at eight. She still has ten minutes…”

  Removing my hand from his, I exited the bathroom.

  Chapter Fifteen

  I stared between City Boy and Country Boy as they did the Date Night with The Lost Boys introduction. They barely said hello when I entered the studio. Carlos arrived two minutes after I did, and he was the one who set me up at the microphone and tested my headphone. He was on the other side of the glass, but I could see him clearly. Everything seemed simple enough, but my head was spinning. I eyed City Boy, the baby-faced asshole with curly, reddish-brown hair and Country Boy, the tall, lanky jerk with dimples, as they sat across the table. While the two men looked like they’d be harmless, the reality was that they were toxic.

  “…and without further ado, we have Date Night adversary, A. Bishara, in the building,” City Boy announced leaning into the microphone. “Welcome!”

  “Adversary is right. And thank you,” I returned staring daggers into him.

  “Oh, you want to get right to it, I see,” Country Boy chuckled, looking at me with amusement. “But before we give you a chance to tell us what your problem is with us, we need to take some calls and emails.”

  “Let’s give our listeners a little back story on A. Bishara.” City Boy grinned. “She wrote an article attacking us, folks. She said that we were toxic and that we gave out bad advice. When that wasn’t enough, she did it again in another article. It’s like she’s obsessed with us.”

  “Stage-five clinger,” Country Boy added.

  “Definitely,” City Boy laughed. “So, now that you’re caught up on who our guest is and what her jaded perspective is, let’s get started with your emails and calls.”

  “We’re ready to show her that we’re not who she says we are,” Country Boy cheered.

  I shook my head. “I’ve listened to enough—”

  “Sorry, sweetheart, your mic isn’t on,” City Boy interrupted me with a smug grin. “We’ll turn it on when it’s time for you to do more than just sit here and look pretty.”

  “I didn’t want to be the one to break it up, but now that City Boy has opened the door: A. Bishara… not bad.” He stood so he could see more of me. “Not bad at all.”

  “Fellas, come on,” Carlos spoke up, his jaw clenched. “Let’s show the lady some respect.”

  “Los Cabos, the diplomat,” Country Boy groaned. “We’re paying her a compliment.”

  He looked from me to them. “Let’s just get to the emails.”

  “Someone is in a mood tonight,” Country Boy joked, looking at City Boy for backup.

  City Boy was staring at me. “I think I know why Los Cabos is getting bent out of shape.” He paused for a beat too long. “You know he likes to keep us on time.”

  “That’s the truth,” Country Boy agreed.

  “So, let’s get to it.” He looked down at a piece of paper. “First up, we have GreatestShowman27. His email says: What’s the best advice you can give me to meet women and score a date? I’m a pretty good-looking guy. I have a good job. I dress well. But I’ve never been good with striking up conversations with women. I get nervous and I end up going home early—and alone. What are some ways I can score a date? Or even some regular ass? It’s been so long, I’m okay with either at this point.”

  I looked around the room as I braced myself for ignorance.

  “Well,” City Boy started. “This right here is a common issue with lots of men, so this is a perfect place to start.” He winked at me. “Give our guest a taste.”

  I rolled my eyes. Country Boy stifled a laugh, avoiding eye contact with me. Carlos sat back, expressionless.

  “GreatestShowman27, you’re a good-looking dude with no game. Sounds like you feel intimidated by women. You have put pussy and women on a pedestal, and that’s why you’re having such a hard time. You need to remember that women are just people. If you see a woman and you think she’s out of your league, level the playing field. If you’re nervous, make her nervous. If you’re feeling like a seven, make her feel like a six. You have to feel like you have the upper hand. Once you feel like you have the power in the situation, all your nerves and anxiety will disappear.” City Boy looked around. “Let’s see what the boys think. Los? Country?”

  “I have to say I agree with City Boy,” Country Boy stated, nodding aggressively. “You have to level
the playing field. If you think she’s better than you or too good for you, you’ll never be comfortable enough to make a move. Even if it’s just in the beginning.”

  I sighed loudly to convey my displeasure.

  “GreatestShowman27, you should work on your self-esteem, man,” Carlos chimed in. “Your focus shouldn’t even be on getting a date or a one-night stand. Your focus should be on you. Women like a confident man, so until you figure out how to channel your confidence, you won’t have the success in meeting women that you’re seeking.”

  “The man is trying to get some ass, Los! You’re always trying to mentor somebody! If the man wants ass, let him have ass,” Country Boy joked, causing City Boy to laugh.

  Carlos chuckled to himself. “You know I’m right though.”

  “I know working on himself is important, but you can’t tell me it’s better than pussy,” City Boy responded before looking at me. “Oh, excuse me, vagina.”

  I knew he was hoping for a reaction out of me and I refused to give it to him. I just stared at him, expressionless, taking in all his bullshit.

  “City Boy, chill,” Carlos cautioned.

  “I’m speaking the truth! Back me up, Country.” City Boy looked to his left.

  “Like I said, if the man wants ass, let him have ass.” Country Boy shrugged. “Maybe you need to get some ass, Los. Maybe that’s why you think this man should write daily affirmations or some shit instead of running game and fucking. When was the last time Los got some?”

  My eyes darted to Carlos. Ummmmm…

  “Good point!” City Boy exclaimed, hyping the situation up. “Let’s talk about it! When was the last time you got some? I don’t mind answering. For me, it was last night.”

  “For me, it was this morning,” Country Boy interjected.

  City Boy howled. “So, Los, let’s talk about it. How long has it been? Your dry spell could help somebody out. Even good-looking, confident dudes go through dry spells, and the world needs to know about it!”

  “Maybe Los Cabos is really GreatestShowman27,” Country Boy clowned before succumbing to raucous laughter. Everyone joined in while I sat silently holding on to the truth about Carlos’s dry spell. Country Boy shook his head once he caught his breath. “I’m kidding, I’m kidding. It’s funny because nothing intimidates Los. I know it doesn’t sound like it, but Los has game.”

  “When you’re confident in yourself, you don’t need game,” Carlos countered, redirecting the conversation. “So, like I was telling our listeners—focus on being confident in yourself and then you don’t have to run game on anyone.”

  City Boy chuckled. “Since Los doesn’t want to admit to his dry spell, we’ll move on to our next email…”

  Three more painstaking conversations took place that I had to listen to, and I considered leaving after each one. It was like the longer I sat there, the angrier I’d become. Because I’d already been announced, I didn’t want to give them the satisfaction of telling their listeners that I left. So, I sat there, stone-faced, taking mental notes.

  “And for our last email, we have Cole,” City Boy started. “His email says: I want to convince my girlfriend to have a threesome. She’s not into it. How do I get her to change her mind?”

  Country Boy whistled. “That’s a tough one. But I don’t think there’s a way around that. If she’s not into it, she’s not going to do it.”

  “Unless you can finesse her,” City Boy replied with a laugh. “Here’s what you do, Cole. If you want a chance to score a threesome, you’ll have to make it seem like it’s her idea. Don’t bring it up again unless she specifically asks you what your fantasy is or what you would want if you could have anything in the world. Instead, every few weeks, watch a movie with a threesome in it. If you two are into watching porn together, watch threesome porn. Think of all the ways she’d get pleasure from it and when she asks you why you want a threesome, tell her all the ways she’d be pleased. Make it about her, and you’ll convince her that this is something that she wants, something that she’s into.”

  I couldn’t take it anymore. “So, basically gaslight her?” I muttered, crossing my arms and leaning back in my chair.

  “Do you have something to say?” City Boy directed his question at me.

  I narrowed my eyes at him. “Are you going to turn my mic on?”

  “First…” He turned to Carlos. “Los Cabos, what do you think?”

  “I think you have to hang up the dream, Cole. I agree with Country Boy. If she says she’s not into it, leave it alone. Decide what’s more important: your girlfriend or your fantasy. Because if you go for one, you’ll lose the other.”

  “I’ve never known Country Boy and Los Cabos to give up so quickly.” City Boy laughed and then directed his attention to me. “We haven’t made it to the guest portion of the show, but it’s good to see A. Bishara already has some thoughts.”

  Country Boy laughed.

  I shifted my eyes to him and curled my lip in disgust. City Boy was the worst of the worst, but Country Boy’s willingness to normalize and cosign on City Boy’s bullshit was astounding.

  And then there’s Carlos.

  He was there to gently admonish and to keep the other two in line, but much like what I’d heard in the four months’ worth of podcasts I’d listened to, he never blatantly called City Boy out.

  “We’re now turning on A. Bishara’s microphone,” City Boy announced. He hit a button and then sighed dramatically. “Here it comes.”

  “What you’re calling advice is really just manipulation, predatory behavior, and ignorance. Just sitting here listening to the complete bullshit coming out of your mouth has really just proved all my points for me.”

  “Woah!” City Boy held his hands up as he laughed. “She’s just as aggressively annoying in person as she is in print. That’s crazy.”

  “What’s crazy is that you don’t see how destructive your advice is.”

  Country Boy whistled. “I have to say I didn’t see this coming.”

  “I did,” Carlos spoke up.

  “When you said you wanted to come on the show, I thought you would give it a chance. But it’s clear you were never trying to give us a chance,” City Boy baited me. “Sounds a little judgmental to me.”

  “You told one of the callers to not take no for an answer when pursuing a woman.” I leaned forward. “You actually said that women play hard to get and no doesn’t mean no except for in the bedroom. While I’m glad you had the common sense to add that caveat, what message are you trying to convey by telling people to not respect a woman’s no.”

  “It’s called being persistent,” City Boy argued.

  “It’s called being a predator,” I countered, narrowing my eyes.

  Country Boy’s eyes bulged as he watched us. Carlos silently observed the scene, his face emotionless.

  City Boy’s jaw dropped. “Predator? Are you serious? Come on… you’re taking it too far now.”

  “Taking it too far? If someone tells you no and you keep pursuing her, you’re taking it too far.”

  “I don’t like how you’re trying to twist this so chill out,” he barked at me. “I’m serious.”

  “I’m serious, too. You told someone to disregard a woman’s no and keep going after her. What kind of shit is that? If a woman says no—leave her alone.”

  “Women like the chase.”

  “Women like to be pursued, not chased. If you pursue a woman, she’s an active participant. If you chase her, she’s running from you.”

  “Bullshit. You seem focused on just me. The Lost Boys include Country and Los. You haven’t directed your anger at them. Why are you so focused on me? You have a thing for me?”

  “I’m focused on you because you’re the primary problem. The other two are complicit. And I have issues with that as well. But you are the one who says the outlandish bullshit. And no, I don’t have a thing for you. I actually don’t like men who promote toxic masculinity.”

  City Boy chuckled. “
Let me ask you something… are you single?”

  I made a face. “What does that have to do with anything?”

  City Boy laughed. “I guess that explains everything, fellas.” He grinned. “Your advice comes from your perspective as a single woman with no prospects. Now I’ll admit, you’re not bad looking, but your overbearing attitude is a real turn off.”

  “I don’t exist to turn you on,” I snapped. “And don’t try to deflect from the topic at hand. All of the advice that you’ve given has been disgusting and sad.”

  “What’s sad is the fact that you can’t get dick because of your ugly ass personality and—”

  “City, chill,” Carlos cut in roughly.

  City Boy glared at him. “No, she wanted to step into the ring. She asked for this.” He took a breath and then his lips turned upward, but the smile didn’t reach his eyes “But I’ll chill. You just have to stop slandering me.”

  “How am I slandering your name?” I shrugged my shoulders, purposely ignoring the fact that he called me crazy. “You advocate for disrespect. My issue is that you’re trying to normalize emotional manipulation and the objectification of women. That’s not me slandering you. That’s me calling you on your shit. And I get why you’re so mad right now… there’s nothing a man like you hates more than a woman who calls you on your shit.”

  “You must not have had dick in a while, huh?”

  “That’s enough,” Carlos growled. “Show her some respect.”

  I didn’t look his way, but I could hear the warning in his voice.

  City Boy’s eyes darted to Carlos before making a face. “Are you going to be like this all night because a lady is present? I mean, I’ll give it to her. She’s not a four. But you’re acting like—hey! I have an idea.” His face brightened with apparent amusement. “Since Los Cabos hasn’t gotten any in a while and A. Bishara needs some dick in her life, so she can get the stick out of her ass, maybe they should do each other.”