Goodnight Sam

by Inger Iversen

I feel warmth. I have not felt this way in nearly 300 years, but my body seems to remember the sensation. As his hand caresses my face, I lean in closer to him. His touch has always been so commanding yet soothing. It pulls my attention to him and creates a sensation that I thought my body had long forgotten. We dress as though the warm summer air annoys us, and his short sleeves show the scars he acquired before his change. I trace a scar with a finger and listen as his breath quickens in time with mine. His hand lightly moves down my neck. I haven’t felt like this, ever. I was only twenty when I was changed and I hadn’t experienced love yet. I pray that he kisses me before he goes but I know the chances of that are remote.

  His body, though, is now closer to mine and his hand has moved back to my face, allowing his thumb to trace my bottom lip. It takes all of the power I have inside of me not to kiss him. I can only imagine the sweet and smoky taste of his lips from years and years of smoking Alseda leaves. His strong hands pull me even closer to him, so close that I can feel the coolness of his skin through his clothes.

  Such intimacy I have never known before. Though there is a connection that I share through the Silver Kiss that feels physically satisfying for both me and my prey, it is nothing so intense that I could call it an emotional bond or that I would want to nourish with more time and attention.

  Sam is so close now that I can smell his skin as he moves his mouth to my ear. I tremble, his closeness to me has my body on alert and I am afraid that if he touches me again that I will explode in ways I never have before. His voice is husky and deep and in this moment I have never wanted anything or anyone more than I do now. If it comes to it, I will beg and bargain, because if I lose him tonight, it will not be before I have given myself to him.

  “I have loved you since the day I found you in the snow: broken and bloodied, praying for death to take you swiftly. I could see your beauty and spirit through the dirt and blood and I could feel you calling to me. You thought yourself a coward later for praying for a swift death, and no matter what I said to you, you believed that you would never forgive yourself.”

  He pulls me closer and I hold tight to him. He is still holding my head and he speaks to me so quietly and hushed, as if his next words are a secret.

  “I dreamt of you for so many nights after I changed you. I thought that the best I could do for you after sentencing you to this life was to teach you how to survive it.”

  With each word Sam’s lips graze my ear, and my ache for him grows ever stronger, threatening to erupt. The cool air continues to blow gently around us and the birds of early morning begin their pre-dawn song and dance, welcoming the advance of the sun. If it were possible for me to shed a tear, I know that I would not be able to control the flood; they would fall and never stop flowing.

  It is not just sadness that would fuel my tears but anger as well. Though I had spent the last 300 years with Sam as a companion, his aloof and stoic nature often left me feeling isolated and bitter.

  “I feel that we should be closer. You've always kept me at a distance and it’s very…” I am at a loss for words, amazingly. When thinking it to myself, I can say everything I feel without pause but this morning is different.

  “We have been engaged in this push and pull for so long , it seems to me that like you enjoy pushing me away”, I finally venture.

  I hope that Sam opens up to me tonight because in my gut I can feel the fear spreading throughout me like an uncontrollable oil spill in a bitterly cold ocean. Sam pulls my face around to his and in his eyes I see fragments of anger coated by pain. His hair moves with the wind and covers his eyes. I stop myself from brushing it aside for him. It makes him look younger and less haunted by the past and how his actions tonight will impact my future. A small part of me is happy that he is so affected by his absence in my future, but at the same time I worry that his last night here will be burdened with thoughts of me and my loneliness.

  Sam brushes the hair from his face revealing to me through his eyes his true age, and I want to touch him; maybe my touch could have the same effect that his has proven to have on me.

  “I have kept you closer than I have allowed anyone to be in my entire life. I have told you things that no one else has ever known, and I have protected you at the risk of my own life in several on occasions,” he explains.

  It sounds as if it is merely a comment and not retaliation to my accusation. The silence between us is painful and though I am with him, I know he is already gone, but I am still not ready to give him up. My human emotions are considered a weakness but I will use them. I have not been as Sam has for as long as he has and I wonder if he is even capable of feeling anything other than disdain for life. I am getting scared now, and my only weapon is guilt. I know it is wrong, but I truly believe that if Sam were to allow me, I could make him content.

  “You have kept me at a distance, used me as your priest, trained me to live as your other half, and now you leave me. Why? Because you tire of living and there is nothing on this earth left for you to see? Did you forget that you made me this way? You owe me more than this!” I demand as I gesture around us.

  At this empty dock where the night sounds are silenced, a predator is speaking. From deep within my energy explodes around us. Sam’s eyes close. I know what I have said has affected him, but I am not sure how. I know that I can ask him to stay and that I can ask him to live with me in this world, but would he truly be alive or would he just simply exist in this world at my side, hollow and broken? Am I asking him to sentence himself to a fate worse than death?

  Sam’s eyes remain closed but his hand finds mine again and when he speaks I can hear the centuries of pain he's spent years trying to disguise.

  “What is it you truly want from me?” he asks, and in this moment I know that he will give in to me, even if I ask him to stay.

  I open my mouth to tell him to live, but nothing comes out. Shocked, I try again, but soon I realize that the man I love is asking me what he could do to make me happy. I have never been in love, but after living three centuries and watching people live normal lives, I've learned not only what true love is, but that also in this world there are times where we are unable to have it. I've watched families say goodbye to loved ones, lovers realize for the first time they could want more than just sex from one another , and I've witnessed people lose all that they have and somehow still recover from the loss. I've often wondered why and how, but in this moment I understand it. They were lucky to have experienced love at all. I understand that though I don’t want to live in this world without Sam, I don’t want him to live in this world if he can’t experience the same joy that it offers me. I know that Sam loves me because in this moment he would continue to live for me, though he wants nothing more than eternal peace. All along his gift to me has been love, and I hadn’t realised it until now.

  “Open your eyes Sam,” I demand, but in a gentler tone.

  Sam’s eyes open slowly, releasing a single pink tear. This man that I had seen kill without mercy or regret sits in front of me, a shell of himself, and I can’t ask of him the impossible, but neither can he ask it of me.

  “Sam, I will not ask you to live if you do not ask me to live without you.” I say in a strong and sure voice allowing my choice in the matter to be clearly placed in front of him. He examines me, his youthful face wrinkled in distaste at my new demand.

  Sam drops my hand and frowns. He thinks this is a trick to get him to change his mind, but it isn’t. If Sam dies tonight, so will I.

  “Sam, I won’t live without you and I won’t force you to live. I know you love me, and you must trust that I love you, and have made this decision with a clear heart and mind. I will follow you wherever you go because I love you like I have loved nothing else on this earth”, I assure him, touching his face and praying silently to whoever may listen to our kind that my touch would soothe, if not convince him.

  “I cannot watch you burn, lo
ve. Please do not force me to,” he begs.

  Sam moves closer to me, taking my hands and squeezing them tight in his. I welcome the ache of it.

  “And you expected me to watch you die?”, I ask incredulously.

  Sam scoffs at my question.

  “No, love. I was going to send you away beforehand and then have you come back to collect my remains,” he replies solemnly.

  I am not surprised by his morbid plan. It was certainly better than the alternative, but my path is set. This knowledge will not sway my decision in the matter. I have made my choice and it is final.

  “Sam that is my final offer,” I say as I look towards the horizon to see the pinkish hues growing brighter. I know pain from war and from the sun; I would rather face a million wars than to suffer the pain of the sun, but more than that, I would suffer anything to be with Sam, even in death. My choice is made and I hope that Sam will be content with it.

  “There must be something else, anything else! You want me to live, yes?” He pleads, his voice becoming frantic. I feel horrible that I have taken the peace from Sam’s last night, but it was the only way that I could allow this, and I didn’t think I would have the courage to face the sun without him.

  “Sam,” I coo. “We