Some Kind of Wonderful

by Barbara Freethy

  He liked her positive attitude. "I'll be right behind you every step of the way."

  "Thanks." She studied him for a moment. "Your friend, Caitlyn -- she's nice."

  "Very nice."

  "But she doesn't like me."

  "It's not that. She became attached to Emily. It's hard for her to let go. But she'll come around." At least he hoped she would. Because it would be hard enough saying good-bye to Emily without saying good-bye to Caitlyn, too.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Later that afternoon Caitlyn picked up the phone and dialed. "Mom," she whispered. Her voice was shaky, her insides still in turmoil from watching her future evaporate before her very eyes. She'd tried to talk herself into a better mood most of the day but the pain wouldn't go away, and she couldn't take it anymore.

  "Caitlyn? What's wrong? I can hardly hear you."

  "Emily is going back to her mother," Caitlyn said with a sob.

  "Is that bad?" Marilyn asked after a long pause.

  "She's not going to be my baby. I'm not going to be her mother." The realizations poured out of her mouth, each one hurting her heart a little more.

  "Oh, honey, I didn't know you'd gotten so close."

  "I'm never going to have children," Caitlyn said baldly. It wasn't the way she'd intended to tell her mother, but it came out, just like that. The words she'd been hiding for a year and a half had come out in a rush.

  "That's not true, Caitlyn. You'll have a baby of your own one day. You can have one with Brian. Or if you really don't want him, with someone else."

  "You don't understand, Mom. You have to listen really carefully right now, because I don't think I can say this again. I can't ever have children." Caitlyn let the words sink in. "The accident crushed my ovaries. There was permanent damage. I wanted to tell you before, but I couldn't." She closed her eyes and tried to prepare herself for her mother's reaction.

  "My God, Caitlyn. Why didn't you say something? Are you sure?"

  "I'm positive. I'm sorry, but you're not going to be a grandmother." The tears ran down her cheeks.

  "I can't believe it."

  "You have to believe it, because it's true."

  Silence filled the phone line. "Well. Well," her mother said finally.

  "Don't say you'll fix it, because you can't," Caitlyn said, trying to ward off any suggestions. "No one can fix this."

  "What do you want me to say?" Marilyn asked cautiously, as mother and daughter waded into unfamiliar territory.

  "Nothing. I just want you..." Caitlyn drew in a deep breath. "I just want you to be my mom."

  "I'm coming over. I'll be there in fifteen minutes."

  "What about your classes?"

  "They can wait. My daughter needs me."

  And she did. Caitlyn hung up the phone and rested her head on her arms. A few minutes later she heard a knock on her door. She knew it was too soon for her mother to have traveled across town. That left Brian or Matt, and she didn't feel in the mood to talk to either one of them.

  She'd just let whoever it was knock. She wasn't going to answer the door. No good ever came of opening that door. She'd learned that the hard way.

  "Caitlyn, come on, open up. I know you're in there," Matt shouted, knocking relentlessly against the door frame.

  Caitlyn put her hands over her ears, trying desperately to ignore him. She didn't want to talk to him, didn't want to see him, didn't want to hear anything about him or Sarah or Emily, about the family he would have without her.

  "I'm not like Brian. You can't just tell me to go and I'll go. I'm not leaving." The pounding began again, beating in time with the pain in her head. Finally, she got up and opened the door.

  "What do you want?"

  He stared at her, then reached out his hand to touch her face. She jerked away; she couldn't help it. The thought of his touch was too painful.

  "I wanted to make sure you're all right."

  "I'm fine. Any other questions before you go?"

  "Just one." He put his hands on her waist and yanked her up hard against his chest, crushing her mouth with his. She tried to resist him, but his kiss was like a steamroller, knocking every piece of her resistance out of the way.

  "Stop," she gasped, breaking away from him.

  "I'm not the enemy. Why are you treating me like one?"

  "You are the enemy," she cried. "You made me believe in the impossible. You made me feel things I didn't want to feel. You melted the ice around my heart, and then you broke it."

  "I didn't mean to. You knew Emily had to go back to her mother. You knew that."

  "But I was her mother this past week. I was there with her, with you, on the roof, in the car, at the Emergency Room. And now I just have to back off and say good-bye and pretend I don't love her." Her voice broke. "But I do love her, Matt. I love her like she was my own baby. And I have to watch some other woman take my place."

  "Not some other woman, her mother. Her mother, Caitlyn." He gave her a little shake. "Emily needs Sarah."

  "I know that. I know," she added when he didn't look like he believed her. "It still hurts."

  "Let me help you with the hurt."

  "You can't."

  "Just because Emily goes back to Sarah doesn't mean you and I aren't..."

  He hesitated for a second too long, a very telling second. "Aren't what?" she asked. "Aren't neighbors? Friends? Lovers? What am I to you, Matt? What am I to you without Emily between us? Well, I'll tell you what I am -- I'm nothing. The only reason you crossed that hallway was to get a baby-sitter. Now you don't have a baby. You don't have a reason to come over here."

  "That may be how it started, but that's not how it is now, and you know it." His eyes narrowed. "You're looking for a reason to push me out that door. Just like you did with Brian."

  "This is not the same thing."

  "This is exactly the same thing. You want me to tell you it was nothing. Is that how you feel, Caitlyn? Because what am I to you without a baby attached? Answer me that. Do you want me at all if I can't offer you a child to take care of?"

  "That's not fair."

  "Life isn't fair. You of all people should have figured that out."

  "I think I hate you," she said with all the passion in her soul. Because she didn't just hate him, she loved him. And she hated him even more because of that.

  "When you're sure, let me know. For what it's worth, you were everything, neighbor, friend, lover... everything. But I don't have a baby to offer you. So if I'm not enough, then I'm not enough."

  "And I don't have a baby to offer you," she said, her heart ripping in two.

  "I don't have to have children."

  "Don't lie to me, Matt. I saw you with Emily. I saw you acting like a father. I saw you falling in love with that baby. I didn't go there alone; you went with me." And she saw the answering truth in his eyes. "But the difference is, you can have a baby with someone else. And you should. Because you would make..." She stumbled over the words. "You would make one hell of a father."

  "Caitlyn--”

  "Go home, Matt. I can't do this anymore." And she shut the door in his face, putting him where he should have been all along, on his side of the hallway.

  * * *

  Caitlyn's mother convinced her to come home and spend the night with them, and too tired to hang on to her independence for one second longer, Caitlyn agreed. She needed the distance. She didn't think she could stand to see Matt or hear Emily's cry. It would hurt too much. So she packed a bag and let her mother drive her home.

  To her credit, Marilyn said next to nothing on the way there, just reaffirming her support. Back at the house, Caitlyn excused herself, climbed the stairs to her old bedroom, and collapsed on the bed. She slept for five straight hours, waking up a little after nine o'clock that night.

  For a moment, she was disoriented by her surroundings and the darkening light. She found herself reaching for Matt, listening for the baby, only to realize that neither one of them was there. All she could do was
wrap her arms around herself and hope that the chill would eventually go away.

  "Caitlyn, are you awake?" Marilyn pushed open the door to the bedroom. "I thought I heard you stirring."

  "And I thought I was being quiet."

  "I still have a mother's ears." Marilyn sat down on the end of Caitlyn's bed. "I'm glad you called me today."

  "Thanks for coming."

  "Thanks for asking."

  Caitlyn picked at the top sheet, wondering if the lectures would now begin, the endless suggestions on how she could repair her body, fix her little problem, but her mother remained oddly quiet. Finally, she looked over at her. "Well?"

  "I was going to ask you the same thing."

  "I had all sorts of tests, Mom. I even had a second opinion. There is no miracle cure. I simply can't have a baby."

  "There's nothing simple about what you just said. I only wish you had told me sooner. Why did you keep it a secret?"

  "I told myself I didn't want you to try to fix me, and I knew you would try. Just like you fixed everything else about me, my hair, my eyes, my teeth, my body."

  "Caitlyn--”

  "No, wait, let me finish. That isn't really why I didn't tell you. Just what I told myself. The other reasons included not wanting to hurt you, not wanting to tell you that you couldn't have grandchildren."

  "You're more important than grandchildren."

  "Well, that wasn't really why I didn't tell you, either."

  "Good heavens. Are you going to make me guess?"

  Her exasperation drew a reluctant smile from Caitlyn. "I couldn't accept it, Mom. I knew if I said it out loud, if I told people, it would be real, and I didn't want it to be real, so I pretended it wasn't there."

  "And you sent Brian away." Marilyn nodded her head as it all became clear to her.

  "It was easier with Brian gone. There wasn't any wedding to plan, no future to think about, at least not one that included children. I didn't have to deal with any of it. But that changed when a man knocked on my door one night and told me there was a baby in the hallway."

  "Matt."

  "Matt," Caitlyn echoed. "His sister had dropped the baby off, asking for help. It's a long story, but he wasn't sure where she was or if she was coming back. I knew I should keep my distance. But one look at that baby and I was gone. I fell in love with Emily, head over heels in love." She shook her head at the hopelessness of it all.

  "Are you sure Emily is the only one you fell in love with?"

  "Of course." Caitlyn looked away from her mother's sharp gaze.

  "We've come this far, Caitlyn. Don't you think you could tell me the whole truth, especially if I promise not to point out why Matt is completely unacceptable."

  Caitlyn looked at her mother in surprise. Was that a teasing note in her voice? Was there a smile trying to fight past her cool expression? "Is something funny?" Caitlyn asked suspiciously.

  "No. Nothing is funny. Tell me about Matt."

  "He's my neighbor."

  "And he's very good looking in that rugged, dangerous, bad boy sort of way."

  "Mother! What do you know about bad boys?"

  "I've been around the block a few times. And I'm not blind. I did notice that Matt is a very attractive man and that the two of you couldn't keep your eyes off each other. At the time I still had hopes that you and Brian would get back together. I realize now I never had a chance. Neither did Brian."

  "Brian is a good man," Caitlyn said, the truth of that situation becoming stunningly clear. "But I can't marry him to make you and Dad happy, or even to make Brian happy. It wouldn't be fair. I'm not in love with him. And I'm not the same girl he loved."

  "No, I don't suppose you are."

  "As for Matt..." She let out a long weary sigh. "Maybe it's love. I don't know. We weren't living in reality. Emily was just borrowed. It was a mistake to start thinking that Matt and Emily and I were a family. I kept telling myself to remember it would all end. But every moment was so wonderful that I didn't want to back away. I knew I was heading straight off a cliff, but I couldn't stop myself."

  "That's the way love is, Caitlyn. It's madness. It's wonder. It's crazy and beautiful and dangerous, all at the same time."

  Caitlyn had never heard her mother speak with such passion. "Is that the way you feel about Dad?"

  "All the time. Love will change your life forever, and it's no use pretending it will go away just because you want it to."

  "But it is over, Mom. Whatever we had is gone. Matt has the family he missed all those years, and now I'll go back to being his neighbor. There won't be any reason to cross the hall, no crying baby, no mystery to solve, no nothing."

  "How about love? That's a good reason to cross the hall. Are you so sure Matt didn't fall in love with you the same way you fell for him?"

  Caitlyn knew Matt had feelings toward her, but she also knew they were tied up with Emily. "I think he liked the way we made up a family, because he'd missed that in his life. But without Emily, I don't know who we are to each other."

  "Maybe you should find out."

  "I thought you said Matt was completely unacceptable."

  Marilyn smiled. "Believe it or not, I'm going to let you figure this one out on your own."

  "You're awfully calm about all this," Caitlyn said suspiciously. "Why?"

  "Don't you think one of us should be calm? I figure right now it should probably be me."

  "I'm still sorry there won't be any grandchildren for you."

  "Oh, Caitlyn. It's you I feel bad for. I know how much you love children. But there are other options. Maybe as time passes, you'll be able to consider them."

  "Adoption?"

  "Why not? You fell in love with Emily. And she wasn't yours. She wasn't Matt's, either, but that didn't stop the two of you from making a family. Why couldn't you do it again?"

  "That was different. Matt had no choice in that situation, but now he does have a choice. What man wouldn't prefer a baby of his genes, his blood?"

  "The only one who can answer that is Matt."

  "I can't deal with it right now. Everything has happened too fast. It's too much. I need a break."

  "You can stay here tonight, Caitlyn. But tomorrow you should go home, because whether Matt is across the hall or across town, it won't change how you feel about him. And as much as I would like to fix this for you, I'm afraid the only person who can fix this is you.”

  * * *

  Late Friday morning Sarah walked into Jonathan's office with Emily in her arms. Already, she had changed, her face a rosy pink, her eyes alight, her posture optimistic. The reunion with Emily and her brother had done amazing things for her confidence. Jonathan almost didn't recognize the lost soul who had broken into his church only a week earlier.

  "Hi," she said simply.

  "Hi yourself. You look like you had a good night."

  "Emily still cried, but Matt sat up with both of us, and he told me that she's been crying with him, too. Then he took me up on the roof of his building, and Emily quieted right down. She likes being outside."

  "No one should have to take care of a baby alone. I'm glad you don't have to anymore."

  "I don't want to get in Matt's way. I want to be able to make it on my own. That's why I've decided to take that spot in the transitional home, if it's still okay."

  He smiled warmly at her. "It's still okay. They'll help you with baby-sitting and job hunting, and you'll have other women to talk to who've been in your shoes."

  "That will be nice," Sarah replied, but her tone, the expression in her eyes, told him she'd already moved on to something else in her head. But what? He couldn't read her anymore. She'd gone from someone who was hurt and helpless to a woman who was slowly taking control of her life. He wondered if there would be any room left for him in that life. Not that it should matter. He'd done his job. Only now he realized just how personal that job had been.

  "Can I still come and see you?" Sarah asked him.

  He felt his pulse jump. "Do y
ou want to?"

  "Yes."

  Their eyes met, and he saw an awareness there that had begun to grow in the past few days.

  "You've been a good friend to me," she added. "I'd like to be a friend to you now."

  "I'm not sure that I can be friends with you."

  The light in her eyes vanished. "Oh, I guess not."

  "Not because you're not worthy. That's not it." He took a big breath and stepped over the line he'd been straddling for the past week. "It's because I'd like to be more than your friend."

  "You would?" The light came back on along with a slow wondering smile.

  "Yes."

  "I would, too."

  "Really?" He paused, trying to keep a lid on the joy that was racing through him. "I don't want to take advantage of you, Sarah. I don't want you to confuse gratitude with anything else. That's why I didn't say anything before."

  "I am grateful to you, Jonathan. I can't help that. But I like you as a man, not just as a minister. In fact, the whole minister thing kind of scares me, because I've never been very holy. And maybe a holy man should have a woman who has lived a better life than I have."

  "It's not where you've been, it's where you're going."

  "Where we're going?" she asked hopefully.

  He nodded but there was still a worry in his heart. "I don't know where I'll end up, though, Sarah. If we don't see a miracle at Sunday service, I may be transferred somewhere else. I don't want to take you away from your brother."

  "Maybe there will be a miracle on Sunday. I'm beginning to believe anything is possible." Emily woke up and stretched in Sarah's arms. "Isn't she beautiful, Jonathan? Sometimes I look at her, and I am completely awed."

  "I know the feeling. I've been in awe since I found you in my church. I thank God he sent you to me."