Flaw Less

by Shana Burton

  Upon Intermission’s arrival, Ray escorted Reginell to the VIP section of the club. “Here she is, fellas, Miss Reginell Kerry,” announced Ray as he introduced Reginell to the members of the group. “Everybody around here knows her as Juicy.”

  “I see why,” replied a dreadlocked member of the band. “What’s up, sexy? I’m Hurricane.”

  “I can’t believe it’s really you! I’m a huge fan of your music!” gushed Reginell, shaking his hand profusely.

  Intermission’s lead vocalist approached her next. “Glad to hear it. My name is—”

  “You don’t have to tell me,” butt in Reginell. “You’re Tron, right?”

  He smiled, pleased to be recognized. “Yeah, I’m Tron. Ray here tells me that you’re a singer.”

  “More like a hummer,” cracked one of the bandmates. The others snickered.

  “Man, shut up. I’m trying to conduct some business here,” said Tron and put his attention back on Reginell. “So you sing, ma?”

  Reginell’s face lit up. “Yeah, I can sing something for you right now if you want.”

  Tron traced her lips with his finger. “Yeah, I bet you can do all sorts of things with that pretty mouth of yours.” The group members laughed again.

  “Ray said that you’re looking for singers for your new record label,” stated Reginell, ignoring the inside joke between the guys.

  Tron nodded. “I’m looking for talent. You think you’ve got what it takes?”

  “I know I do,” guaranteed Reginell. “Just give me a chance to prove it.”

  “Oh, you’ll get your chance,” promised Tron. “First, why don’t you show me some of those dance moves you were doing on stage up there.”

  “I thought you wanted to hear me sing,” said Reginell, a little deflated. “Ray said that you wanted me to audition.”

  Tron licked his lips. “So, you wanna audition for me, huh?”

  Her smile weakened. “Yes, I thought that was the whole point.”

  “My office is available if you need her to audition in private,” offered Ray, obviously in on whatever they were plotting.

  Tron nodded. “It looks like I may have to take you up on that, Ray.”

  “Aye, if you audition for Tron, you’ve got to audition for me too,” spoke up another member of the group.

  “Look, we’re talking about singing, right?” Reginell asked cautiously. “I’m not down for anything else.”

  Tron groped her. “We’re talking about you doing whatever it takes to impress me. And after you show me how good you are, you’ve gotta show my brothers too. They get final input on any new artists signed to the label.”

  “Why can’t I just perform for you?” she bargained.

  “We’re a family around here. What’s good for one is good for all,” hedged Tron. “Now, why don’t you show me where Ray’s office is?”

  Reginell knew that this so-called audition would include a romp on Ray’s couch, which was a common practice for men willing to shell out extra money for the service. Reginell hadn’t stooped to having sex with any of the club’s patrons but didn’t know how she could avoid doing so now. She turned to Ray. “Hey, can I talk to you for a second?”

  Ray exhaled sharply and moved off a little distance with her. “What’s up?”

  “Ray, this feels like a setup,” she whispered. “I don’t want to go in there with him.”

  Ray shrugged. “Okay, cool.” She heaved a sigh of relief. “Consider this your last day. I’m terminating our agreement. You’re fired.”

  “What?”

  “Reggie, I don’t have time to play these games with you. I did my part. I got you the audition; I arranged for Tron to come here to see you, and what do you do? You refuse to even go in there and sing for the man.”

  “Ray, my voice is the last thing on his mind, and you know it!” refuted Reginell.

  “We’ve already had this discussion, Reggie. It’s no big deal. It’s just sex.”

  “Sex is a big deal! I don’t even know those guys. You know, just because I work here doesn’t automatically make me a ho.”

  Ray eyed her as if to say it did. “I thought most chicks would kill to kick it with a celebrity.”

  “This is a little more than just ‘kickin’ it.’”

  “I told you when we first met that my reputation is on the line. When you flake out like this, it makes me look bad. Why would I put up with that when it’s easier just to replace you with some other girl?”

  “Ray, I’m not trying to make you look bad—”

  “Then don’t!” he barked. “Just go back there and walk out with your record deal.”

  “But—”

  “Look, Reggie, either you’re in or out.” He pointed at Tron, who was flirting with another dancer. “You see that? He’s already moving on. That’s how it works in this business. If you don’t take advantage of your opportunities, somebody else will.”

  Reginell knew that she was losing time and possibly Tron’s interest. Her soul couldn’t afford to go along with the plan, but her career couldn’t afford to let this chance slip away. “All right, I’ll do it this once,” she stipulated. “I need a drink first.”

  Ray smiled. “That’s my girl. Don’t worry, this will just be a footnote on your way to the top. Tron knows a lot of big names. Signing with him can take you places.”

  Reginell wondered if hell was one of those places.

  Tron walked over to Reginell and Ray. “What’s up? Are we gonna do this or what?”

  “Yeah, you know how it is,” said Ray, summoning a bartender. “She just wanted to make sure it was all right with Daddy.” Ray pulled out a set of keys and handed them to Tron. “You can go on back to the office while I get her situated.”

  Tron smacked Reginell on the rear. “Don’t keep me waiting.”

  The bartender brought a whiskey sour to Ray, who handed it to Reginell. “Just show the man a good time,” he urged as Reginell woofed it down. “Everybody can walk away from this thing getting exactly what they want.”

  Reginell thought of what was waiting for her inside of Ray’s office. She knew how used and empty she would feel coming out of that room. “Can I have another drink? And some kush too, just to take the edge off.”

  That night wasn’t the first that Reginell depended on the mind-numbing effects of drugs and alcohol to get through her shift at work. Together, they had the phenomenal ability to make her forget that she was in the moment; they made her feel nothing. Feeling nothing was a whole lot better than feeling dirty and used like a whore. Feeling nothing enabled her to withstand Tron, and later his bandmates, desecrating her body with their sweat, their hands, and their bodily fluids, soiling her temple and her spirit. She felt nothing and, to them, she was nothing.

  When Reginell returned home early the next morning, she headed straight for the shower. One hundred, fifty, and twenty dollar bills littered the floor. Inside the stall, Reginell sat crying as the water streamed down on her. By now, the high had worn off, leaving her to face the reality of what she’d done in harsh sobriety. She was a whore—worse than that, if possible. She was trash, unworthy of love, of respect, and of anything sacred. She couldn’t show her face to God or to the people she loved most. What would they say if they knew what she’d done? She had pawned everything that was special about her in exchange for a record deal that Ray had called to say was now off the table due to “creative differences.”

  She accepted that she was the slut everyone thought she was. She had done too much to turn back but didn’t have the first clue about how to move forward.

  Chapter 8

  “I think my mother would’ve preferred that I told her I was gay during my senior year in high school. It definitely would’ve gone over better than telling her I was pregnant.”

  —Kina Battle

  Kina rubbed her hands along her new desk for what must have been the hundredth time that Tuesday morning. After Charles called the day before and offered her the job as his new
administrative assistant, she immediately went into praise mode, followed by a phone call to her friends to announce her new position.

  Kina set Kenny’s picture down on her desk and stood back, beaming with pride. “You did good, girl!” she said to herself before settling into her new leather chair. She swished around a little to adjust the seat to her bottom.

  “So are you settling in all right?” asked Charles, approaching her.

  She sat upright. “Oh, yes. I’ve never really had a big space like this to myself,” admitted Kina. “Everything is set up so lovely. I can’t believe I’m actually getting paid to be here.”

  One of the associate pastors followed up with a bouquet of flowers to set on her desk.

  “And these are for you as well,” announced Charles and handed her the vase. “They’re from all of us to welcome you to the family.”

  “Oh, wow!” gushed Kina. “Pastor, you didn’t have to do all of that. Just working here is enough for me.”

  “Well, yours is the first face people see when they walk through the door, so I’ve got to do everything I can to keep a big smile on it.”

  Kina blushed. “Thank you.”

  “Is there anything else you need? I know it’s going to take a minute to figure it all out, but I want to make sure you’re off to good start.”

  “Yes, I’m fine. Everyone has been so helpful. I can already tell I’m going to love working here.”

  “I certainly hope so. It’s the Lord’s will that every man find satisfaction in his work. Mount Zion Ministries wants to be as big a blessing to you as you are to us.”

  “You were a blessing to me long before I was on payroll, Pastor.”

  “You’re mighty kind, my sister.” Charles returned her smile. “I’ll be in my office. Give me a buzz if you need anything at all, and I’ll come running. You have a blessed day, you hear?”

  Charles was so kind and thoughtful. It made her wonder how Sullivan managed to garner enough favor with God for Him to send her a man like Charles. It also made her wonder if he ever did wrong in a past life to deserve a woman like Sullivan.

  A long day at work followed by a longer day at the gym wasn’t exactly Kina’s prescription for a day of fun, but she was as committed to taking care of herself on the inside as she was on the out, so she dragged herself to Fitness Fanatics with the last bit of energy she had after leaving church for the day.

  After expelling 800 calories between the treadmill, free weights, and ten laps around the indoor track, Kina prepared to leave, unaware that someone had been watching her.

  “So, how many pounds have you lost?”

  Kina turned around. “Excuse me?”

  A woman with sister-locked twists offered a kind smile. “I know a success story when I see one. I’ve been coming to this gym for a while. I’ve seen you here a few times, enough to know that you’ve shed some serious LBs, so how much have you lost?”

  Kina grinned, ecstatic that someone had noticed. “I’ve lost thirty-three pounds and counting.”

  The woman’s eyes widened. “Wow, that’s impressive. How long did it take to come off?”

  “I’ve been seriously working out and watching what I eat for about six months now.”

  The woman outstretched her toned arms. Kina caught a glimpse of her strong, sculpted mahogany legs as well. “This is what six days a week for five years in the gym will get you.” She put her arms down. “It wasn’t that long ago that I couldn’t stand to look at myself in the mirror. Now, I can’t stay out if it!”

  Kina laughed. “I can’t wait until I’m at that point, but I definitely like what I see more than I used to. I decided to make some changes after . . .” Kina bit her lip.

  “After what?”

  Kina shook her head. “It’s not important.”

  The woman encouraged her. “Sure it is. What were you going to say?”

  Kina exhaled. “After my husband died a year ago.”

  “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. Was he sick?”

  “Not the way you mean.”

  The woman nodded, understanding. “Well, look, if you ever want to talk about it, I’m a great listener.” She laughed a little. “I guess it would help if I told you my name first. I’m Joan.” She extended her hand.

  Kina received it. “I’m Kina.”

  Joan smiled. “That’s pretty. I like that . . . Kina.”

  “Joan is nice too,” complimented Kina. “It’s a name that evokes strength and confidence.” She paused. “Plus, I was a huge fan of Girlfriends. Joan was always my favorite.”

  Joan chuckled. “Joan was a little neurotic for me. I always liked Toni. She was just so fiery and sexy.”

  “And a complete witch—don’t forget about that!” added Kina with a laugh. “I actually have a very close friend who’s just like that.”

  “Don’t we all?” retorted Joan. They both laughed. Joan’s laughter was infectious. “Hey, listen, have you finished up your workout?”

  Kina wiped her sweaty brow with a towel. “Yeah, why?”

  Joan checked her watch. “It’s after six o’clock, and I haven’t even had lunch yet. You wanna grab a bite to eat? It’s my treat. I know we just met, like, five minutes ago, but I’d love the company. Truth be told, I hate eating alone. It’s one of the downsides to single life.”

  “Don’t I know it!” Kina patted her stomach. “You know I could use a li’l something on the belly, but you don’t have to pay for it.”

  “No, I want to. Don’t worry—I’ll let you treat next time! Hopefully, this is just the first of many meals together.”

  Kina was thrown a little by the invitation, but she too hated eating alone and agreed to a bite at a café across the street. Besides, Joan seemed cool. Kina was amazed by how quickly the two of them hit it off.

  “So, Kina,” began Joan once they’d sat down, “tell me what you like to do for fun.”

  “Fun?” repeated Kina. “I hardly know what that is anymore! Fun is one of those things I’ll get to eventually. Right now, everything is all about work, school, my son, and, of course, my church.” The corners of Joan’s mouth dipped into a frown. Kina picked up on it right away. “Did I say something wrong?”

  “No . . . not really.”

  “So what’s the long face about?”

  Joan hesitated. “I have issues with some of the doctrines of the church.”

  “You’re not an atheist, are you?”

  “Of course not!” scoffed Joan. “I know there’s a God, and I believe He loves me just as I am.”

  “I don’t know of any church or pastor who’ll disagree with that.”

  Joan folded her hands together. “Most churches don’t accept my lifestyle, Kina. I guess you could say I’m living in sin by some standards.”

  “How so?”

  Joan took a deep breath. “I’m a lesbian, Kina.”

  Kina froze, stunned. “Oh . . . I didn’t know.” She gulped. “You seem so . . . heterosexual.”

  Joan laughed. “That’s the first time I’ve heard that one!”

  Kina smiled politely but didn’t say anything.

  “Does my being gay make you uncomfortable?”

  “No, I admit that it caught me off guard, though. I haven’t been around many gays.”

  “I’m sure you’ve been around more than you think,” quipped Joan.

  “Don’t you think being gay is a sin?”

  “I think there are lots of sins. If being gay is one, I don’t think it’s any worse than others in God’s eyes. I definitely don’t think I should be ostracized because of it.”

  Kina nodded slowly and blurted out, “How did you get like that? I mean, have you always been gay?”

  “I’ve always felt like I was different. I have sisters and female friends. I knew I didn’t feel the same way about men as they did. I was just always more attracted to women both physically and intellectually.”

  “So you’ve never had a boyfriend?”

  “Sure. Trust me—it w
asn’t exactly acceptable to be gay when I was coming up. There was no Will & Grace or L Word to soften the blow. I had boyfriends, many of whom were gay themselves, but they knew their secret was safe with me and mine was with them.”

  Kina was intrigued. “So when did you, you know, come out?”

  Joan thought back. “I was a freshman in college. By then, it was a lot more acceptable in society, and I think my family had their suspicions anyway. No one seemed overly shocked when I brought my girlfriend home for Christmas that year.”

  Kina chuckled. “I think telling my parents I was gay definitely would’ve gone over better than telling them I was pregnant when I was a senior in high school. Growing up in the church, I was always taught that homosexuality is an abomination. Then again, it can’t be any worse than what E’Bell did to me.”

  Joan stopped eating. “Who’s E’Bell?”

  “He was my husband, the one who died. He was . . . um, he was abusive to me and my son Kenny. With Kenny, it was mostly verbal. With me, it was verbal and physical.”

  Joan put her hand on Kina’s. “I’m so sorry to hear that.”

  “Yeah, he could be a real monster when he wanted to,” recalled Kina with tears filling her eyes. “He was always so angry and blamed me for everything. Sometimes, he would even hit me in front of Kenny.” Kina closed her eyes. “I was afraid all the time. You never knew what would set him off. It was awful.”

  “Kina, were you the one who . . .”

  Kina shook her head. “I didn’t kill him, Joan. One night, we were arguing because I’d decided to take Kenny and leave him for good. He went ballistic. I don’t even remember everything that went down. I just know that he beat me unconscious. When I woke up, E’Bell was on the ground bleeding, and my son was there with his father’s gun at his side.”

  “So it was your son?”