by T. L Smith
“It won’t hurt,” he tells me, gently stroking my head.
“But it always hurts, Daddy,” I tell him, hoping he will leave me alone for tonight.
“Don’t you want to make Momma and Daddy happy? This is how you do it, pumpkin,” he says and kisses my cheek.
“Stop!” I scream at the top of my lungs, it's hurting my head. These awful thoughts are swimming around and playing on replay.
“Kristy what’s wrong?” I hear Julia’s voice.
“Leave, get out now,” I tell her, pointing to the door. A second later, the door slams and another flashback assaults my brain.
“Sweetie, why are you bleeding?” Momma asks. I shake my head. I can’t tell her. Daddy told me not to tell her.
“You can tell me. You can tell me anything,” she says while flicking the knife in her hand.
“I can’t. Don’t make me tell you,” I cry to her.
“It’s okay, sweetie. Let’s go and see how far up the tree we can climb,” she says, placing the knife down, grabbing my hand and running out the front door.
I walk to the mirror and see a razor sitting on the counter. I take out the blade and let it touch my skin. The thoughts aren’t leaving and I need to make them leave. They aren’t mine, they can’t be mine. I let the blade sink into my wrist, slight pressure at first, hoping the thoughts will leave, but they don’t. I apply more pressure and watch as the blood comes thick and fast. Once the blood is running I try to concentrate on that, hoping the thoughts will flow out when the blood drips. They don’t. I do the same to the other wrist and then watch as the blood leaves that one, but my mind is on repeat. Repeat of dreadful things.
I pull my yoga pants off, which are now covered in my blood and apply pressure to my upper thigh, cutting clean lines across my thigh. I make at least three strokes when the thoughts start to leave. When they do, the last thing I hear is Kai’s voice.
It’s so peaceful now.
No disturbing voices.
No hurtful memories.
Maybe the blood has done the trick. Maybe I washed it all away when I bled myself out. Maybe I got rid of the demons that were there when I cut myself and let them fly free.
Just maybe.
The human brain is protected by the skull (cranium), a protective casing made up of twenty-two bones that are joined together.
I wake to the sound of beeping and notice my arms are tied down to the bed. It stings when I move and I try to think of where I am and how I got here. That’s when I remember all the blood, but how did I get all that blood on me? I look to my left and see Tyke sitting next to me. He gives me a soft smile and reaches over and holds my hand.
“You sure did a silly thing,” he says, then reaches down and kisses my broken hand. I try to talk, but my mouth is so dry. “Don’t say anything, I’m here for you. I always will be, Kristy,” he says, then sits back in his chair. My eyes start to feel heavy and I drift back off, comforted by his hand touching mine.
I’m woken not long after by voices in the room. I open my eyes and see Kai, dressed in a business suit, talking to someone who looks like a doctor. He’s holding what I assume is my medical chart and is reading over it with Kai. I cough and try to sit up, when their eyes find mine. Kai reaches for the water places a straw in it and puts it to my mouth. I take a long sip and then sit back and look around for Tyke.
“Where’s Tyke gone?” I ask in a still dry voice. Kai creases his eyebrows.
“Who is Tyke, Kristy?” I shake my head and look around the room for him. He couldn’t have gone too far.
“He’s a detective like you. I’ve had lunch with him a few times,” I say and then look up to watch as his face hardens. He turns back to the doctor. I look at the doctor and he smiles at me.
“Kristy, my name is Dr. Preston Walker. I was wondering if I could ask you a few questions.” He takes the same seat that Tyke was in not that long ago. He pulls out a pen and a notebook, waiting for me to answer. But nothing comes. “I want you to know you don’t have to answer anything you’re not comfortable with, okay?”
I look straight at him, he turns to Kai and asks him to leave. Kai is resistant at first, until the doctor says we need to chat privately. Once he leaves, Dr. Walker starts asking his questions.
“How about you tell me a bit about yourself?” He looks up from his notepad at me with a straight look etched on his face. His teeth are very straight and white and his hair has a wisp of gray to it. His body is lean. I can tell he takes pride in his appearance.
“I was raised by my grandmother and now I live in the dorms on campus where I’m studying,” I answer, keeping it brief and to the point.
“Okay, and what about friends? Do you have many of them?” he asks while he writes. I look down and see he’s writing everything down as we talk.
“Yes, I have Julia, she’s a good friend.” He seems interested in what I have to say, I wonder if it’s a part of his job?
“What about Detective Kai? Is he your friend?” I shrug my shoulders at him, I still don’t know exactly what we are, but being friends is a start, I guess.
“That’s good. What about how you got here? Do you know how you got here, Kristy?” he asks, smiling and making me feel comfortable.
“Yes, there was blood, so much blood. I needed the pain gone and it helped me not to feel,” he nods his head again and writes down more.
“I would like it if you would start seeing me twice a week while I’m in town, Kristy. I promise to help with any issues that you have going on. Plus, I’m a very good listener and sometimes we all need one of those, don’t we?”
I take his card and read it. His name is in bold writing, followed by Psychiatrist. He shakes my now free hand before he stands to leave. As he reaches the door, he turns back around.
“I’m eager to get to know you and I look forward to next time.” I don’t say a word, I try to form some kind of thank you, but nothing seems to work. The moment he leaves, Kai pops straight back in.
“You can’t do that again,” he says, coming close, but not touching me. I look back down at my wrist and nod my head.
“No, you don’t get it, I found you Kristy. I can’t do that again.” I look up to him and see the hurt in his eyes. I don’t want to be the cause of his pain.
“I won’t,” I say in a small voice.
“You don’t know that. What if something happens again and you do the same thing? Please tell me you’re going to start to see that doctor.”
I wasn’t planning on it. It’s not that I don’t want to; I just think it will be a waste of time. The look in his eyes has me nodding my head in agreement.
“I just want you, nothing else but you. I can take you broken or crippled. But the one thing I can’t take is you dead. Do you understand me?” Tears start to well in my eyes. No one has cared for me like he has before. I can hear the hurt in his voice and it saddens me.
“You’re going to have to stay with me for a while and I won’t take no for an answer. Julia has packed you a bag and it’s here now. Your room is full of blood. There’s so much blood that it’s actually scary to walk in there.”
Shit, poor Leanne. I can’t imagine what she thinks of me now. She must be putting in for a new roommate and I can’t blame her. First a beating and then blood everywhere! That’s probably not the best way to earn her friendship.
“When can I leave?” I ask Kai.
“You will be discharged to my care today. Dr. Walker gave you the all clear, but you have to attend regular appointments with him. We have to change your bandages regularly to prevent infection as well.” I don’t say a word, my brain isn’t functioning right to answer him.
“I’ve asked for a long weekend even though Thanksgiving is our busiest time of the year. The boss was fine with it, thank God, so I’ll be here to help you,” he says. I look up at him and realize he said it was the weekend. But it’s only Tuesday isn’t it?
“What day is it?” I ask.
“Thursday,” h
e answers. “You lost so much blood, you have been in and out of it,” he tells me then goes into the bathroom to grab my bag.
I sit up and look at my wrists for the first time and see they are heavily bandaged. I pull my nightgown up and see the same with my upper thigh. When I pull it back down, I see Kai standing there staring at my cuts on my legs. He looks back at me and his face hardens again. Sometimes I wish his face would be more expressive; it’s usually always the same. It’s the mask he hides behind because if he lets people in, they may know all his secrets.
“Let’s go home,” he states, walking over and pulling out some clothes for me to wear. He walks behind me and undoes my dressing gown. I let it fall, then feel him slide my arms into a shirt. When I see the sleeve, I realize it’s not mine. I turn my head to ask him and see that he looks sad and his face is tight. He tells me the shirt is his. He wanted something loose that wouldn’t hurt me. I smile and completely forget that if he wanted to, he could see me naked right now and I wouldn’t care.
He buttons me up while standing behind me, giving me my modesty, and then pulls the shirt down before walking around to the front of me. He brushes my hair back from my face and pulls out a pair of track pants from my bag. He dresses me in those too.
Once I’m dressed, he leans in and kisses me on my forehead. I let my eyes close feeling his touch on me. I don’t think it’s a thing I ever want to stop.
The sense of touch is activated by neural receptors, such as hair follicles found in the skin, but also pressure receptors on the tongue and throat.
When we arrived at Kai’s after leaving the hospital, I am put straight to bed with the remote and fed. He cooks my breakfast, lunch, and dinner and he doesn’t disappoint. I was right when I answered where I’d want to dine forever… it would be with him and he could cook. Plus, the view is a major bonus point as well. Kai hasn’t slept in the same bed as me though. Last night, after he took the plate from me when we finished eating, he went for a shower then came back and kissed my forehead before going into the living room. I waited for a good while for him to return and, when I ventured out, I saw him on his sofa stretched out, asleep. I grabbed a blanket and covered him and went to sleep myself.
I haven’t moved from the bed today, apart from going to the bathroom, which is located in his room anyway. I stand and walk to the bathroom, this time hoping to shower away the dried blood I can still see on my skin. I listen, but don’t hear Kai anywhere, so I start to undress. Once the shower is the right temperature, I climb in and lean my head against the wall, letting the water wash away the blood.
I’m still not sure exactly what happened. I remember some parts and the memories haunt me. I wish they would disappear forever. I awoke during the night in a cold sweat as they slaughtered my dreams. Just thinking about them now has me starting to panic. I sit down in the tub and let the water wash over me.
That’s when I hear it.
I hear it again.
The count… One, Two. My breathing starts to grow deeper and I clutch my hair and pull at it. I don’t want the memories, anything but the memories.
“Why did you tell your mother, Kristy?” he asks, standing over me in my bedroom. I shake my head to tell him I didn’t and he swears.
“You did, don’t lie to me. I did not raise a liar. I told you not to tell anyone, it’s our little secret.” He leans down and pulls my blanket back. I shake my head, but he won't listen.
I come back from the memories and look around the room. I can’t see anything or anyone. Where did that song come from? Why did I hear it? I find Kai’s razor sitting on the bench and extract the blade. I look at my skin and don’t think as I position it above my non-abused thigh. I need the memories gone, banished from my thoughts.
The first cut helps and I watch as the blood mixes with the water, becoming a faint red stream. I make another cut just above it, drop the razor in the tub and lay back as the memories leave me. I start to feel free, back to myself. I let myself doze off and hope for a peaceful sleep as the water cascades over me.
I wake to a slap across my face, just as I’m nodding off. I open my eyes and see Kai standing above me with a helpless look in his eyes. He turns the shower off and I look down to see the bleeding has stopped and so have the thoughts as well. He grabs a towel and leans down to pick me up. I try to lift my arms to go around his neck, but they are too lazy to move. He swears under his breath when he picks me up and takes me to his bedroom. He begins pacing back and forth, looking a little lost.
“Why?” he asks, pulling at his mohawk.
I can’t answer him. He’d be disgusted if he knew some of the things my mind was producing. I shake my head and don’t answer him. He looks at me with a pained stare and walks from the room, returning with bandages. He unwraps the towel and leans down next to me. I no longer care if he sees me naked. He has seen me at my worst and he’s still here.
Or is here out of guilt?
“I can look after myself, Kai. I can go home,” I say. His eyes shoot up and he glares at me.
“You can’t look after yourself and you do need help. Kristy, I’m going to ask you something and I want you to answer me, okay?” I nod my head and he looks to the floor then back at me. “Do you remember me?”
I shake my head, not understanding what he’s talking about.
“We met at a coffee house, then again at a bar that’s across from the college. Do you remember?” His hands stop on my thigh while he looks at me.
“No. I remember bumping into you at the coffee house, but I’ve never been to that bar because it’s not for college students,” I say, remembering the look of that rundown place.
“Do you know who Kayla is?” he asks.
I remember that name. Tyke mentioned it the first time I saw him.
“No, but I have heard it from someone before,” I tell him. He places the towel back around me and sits on the edge of the bed.
“Who told you that name?”
“Tyke did. He came to my apartment looking for her. I told him it was the wrong address,” I say, resting my head back against the pillow.
“Who is Tyke, Kristy? You’ve said that name more than once.”
“Tyke is Detective Black. He was in my class. I’ve seen him outside of class a few times to eat.” His face grows serious and he shakes his head, then grabs his cell and walks out of the room. I hear his muttered talk and try to listen to what he says, but I can’t hear much. He returns not long after and sits back next to me.
“What did Tyke want, Kayla?” he asks.
I shake my head, because I don’t know. I didn’t know the name, so why would I ask?
“If you see him again, I want you to call me immediately. Can you do that?”
I nod my head solemnly, not understanding what he’s talking about, but I trust him.
“You have to see Dr. Walker tomorrow, so I’m going to make you appointment. You need to get better. My heart can’t take finding you like that anymore, Kristy. Promise me you will see him?”
“I promise,” I say and reach for my cell. Kai takes it away from me and pulls the blanket around me.
“I spoke to your friend Julia, she knows where you are and I keep her updated. Well, actually, she calls my cell every hour, which is quite fucking annoying,” he smirks softly and shakes his head.
“She’s a good friend. I feel bad for her seeing me like that and I feel disgusted that you have to,” I say and look down and pull the blanket up further.
“Don’t ever feel anything but beautiful around me, because that’s how I see you. You may be broken Kristy, but we can put you back together. Have faith in us. I won’t ever ask you to do something you’re not ready for.” He leans in and kisses me on my forehead again. Those kisses are beautiful, but I also wonder why he won’t try anything else.
I watch as he walks out and tell myself I can do it. I can beat it for him. I’m not sure if it’s love I feel for him though I know it’s a strong feeling. I’ve never felt like thi
s toward a man before, especially one that has seen me at my worst and tried to help me put myself back together.
Sensory neurons change light, touch and sound into neural signals, which are sent back to our central nervous system to help our body understand and react to its surroundings.
The weekend flew by. We talked and stayed in bed and watched movies. Kai kept my demons at bay and slept next to me every night. I don’t think it was for comfort tough, I think it was more for my safety. I wish it was the other way around, but I don’t see the possibility in that. He treats me like I’m a fragile doll and it scares me that he sees me like that now. I don’t want him to. I want the old looks of lust and the genuine smiles.
Today I have a doctor’s appointment with Dr. Walker. I don’t know how that is going to go, but I hope it helps me in some way. With any luck, I can get Kai to stop treating me as a fragile human that might crack. I watch while he walks out of the bathroom wearing only a towel. A part of me is disappointed that he didn’t walk out naked like last time, but as I said, he thinks I’m fragile.
His kisses have only been short over the weekend, a kiss on the forehead here and there. There were times I wanted to grab him and kiss him to show him I am not so breakable, but I couldn’t do it. I look at him, now getting dressed, and then look down at myself. My bandages are covering my damaged skin so you can’t see any cuts. I have on a sweatshirt and tracksuit pants, nothing attractive, but it will do. I walk to him once his pants are on and trail my hand up his back. He turns and captures my hand and kisses it, then walks off to pull on a shirt.
As he walks back to me, I build up enough courage to kiss him. I miss his lips. He stops in front of me and I stand on my tiptoes and place my lips on his. I move them and when I notice he doesn’t kiss me back, I stop and pull away. He sees the look of hurt cross my face and grabs my hand as I turn to walk off.